Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

Poem - Living in Dublin

Options
  • 09-08-2019 9:07pm
    #1
    lustig2014
    Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭


    Hi

    I wrote this a few weeks ago which sums up my experiences of living in Dublin. Would appreciate any feedback positive or negative

    Gerard


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    hgfj
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭hgfj


    Yeah, I like it. I think it's good.


  • Options
    #3
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    I don't like the rhyming scheme.


  • Options
    #4
    Sheridan81
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,429 ✭✭✭Sheridan81


    The first two verses are weak. They sound like rap lyrics.

    "A hostile crowd, now understands"

    is the weakest line. Why are they hostile and what do they now understand? It's just left there.


    "A forward plan is still unseen"

    strikes me as weak too.


    I would probably keep these three and a half lines

    "The young discuss and challenge truth
    the old dismiss too long in tooth
    a desparate man wants fixed for sorrow
    *something* a hip bar tomorrow"



    I would be tempted to drop the first two verses and just start from the third. I don't know who Jim C is and that line is awkward too, like it's missing a link like 'Is' or 'will' or some such. I might drop the 'some' from the last line.


  • Options
    #5
    lustig2014
    Registered Users Posts: 69 ✭✭lustig2014


    Sheridan81 wrote: »
    The first two verses are weak. They sound like rap lyrics.

    "A hostile crowd, now understands"

    is the weakest line. Why are they hostile and what do they now understand? It's just left there.


    "A forward plan is still unseen"

    strikes me as weak too.


    I would probably keep these three and a half lines

    "The young discuss and challenge truth
    the old dismiss too long in tooth
    a desparate man wants fixed for sorrow
    *something* a hip bar tomorrow"



    I would be tempted to drop the first two verses and just start from the third. I don't know who Jim C is and that line is awkward too, like it's missing a link like 'Is' or 'will' or some such. I might drop the 'some' from the last line.


    Thanks for this feedback

    Jim C is James Connolly


  • Options
    #6
    dogsarewalked
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭dogsarewalked


    loved the first three verses in particular. I really like it. fair play.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    Kevplunkett
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Kevplunkett


    I think it is quite good as well. I was also not quite certain about the two lines regarding the couple and the crowd (please forgive me if I am not reading the lines clearly or carefully enough) however I liked the lines referring to Patrick Pearse and James Connolly and the humanity of the poem.


  • Options
    #8
    BDI
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,005 ✭✭✭BDI


    Does it inspire feeling or thought or anything in me? Probably not.
    Is my day anyway different from reading it? Nope

    Is it an ok poem? Probably

    Does my opinion matter? Probably not.


  • Options
    #9
    puppieperson1
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 301 ✭✭puppieperson1


    needs to be more gritty to create a sense of real despair - also the rhyming is childish doesnt need to rhyme but does need to capture the despair of the Dublin you once knew. Some good lines in there keep it up.


Advertisement