Does gay dating solely revolve around sex?

LegacyUser · 05-10-2019 8:16pm #1

So I'm 30 years old and have been on the dating scene for a number of years now. I have always struggled with it, mostly because I believe that I have high standards, or maybe just different standards to everyone else.

I have mostly used Tinder and Grindr for dating, as I'm not into the gay pub and club scene. Nothing against it, it's just not my thing.

I may be old fashioned and definitely in the minority when I say that sex isn't everything to me. I had been in relationships for a number of months where, while we did fool around, we never had sex. It was a fulfilling relationship and didn't feel that I was necessarily missing out on anything.

That may have been a very rare thing, because I'm continually railroaded when trying to date guys. I know Grindr is largely a hook up app, but there are guys there looking for dates and relationships, myself included. I've found many of them asking early on whether I'm "top or bottom". I refused to answer and he didn't want to continue talking as he said what's the point if we're incompatible in the bedroom! I find this a crazy question to ask before a first date and would equate it to a straight guy asking a girl if she likes giving blowjobs! Another guy said he prefers to have "fun" first and then hope for something more to develop.

These aren't isolated incidents and happens with most guys I find somewhat attractive and interesting. I've even had a potential relationship (from Tinder) fall apart because I turned down full on sex on a number of dates we had because I didn't feel ready, but to him it was a regular thing to have sex on the first date. I think he dumped me because we weren't sexually compatible (but this is just me guessing).

Sometimes I think my mind has this idealised version of dating, or more likely that I think the whole gay dating scene is seedy. I would believe most guys are pretty randy, and maybe it's my own hidden internal homophobia that is causing me to treat sex as this special occasion reserved for "the one". I would truly like to treat sex as a more casual thing because it seems to be setting me back in dating.

What are your experiences? Does it all come down to sex in the end?

J_E · 06-10-2019 5:38pm

mealforone wrote: »

I have mostly used Tinder and Grindr for dating, as I'm not into the gay pub and club scene. Nothing against it, it's just not my thing.

This immediately stuck out. You are naturally going to be limited if this is the only way you interact with other men. Online communication is not quite the same and it's hard to read more subtle interactions. I really suggest you get involved with an LGBT social group, if only just to create some healthy relationships with other men and see that it's not all about sex. It's not that you won't find relationships on these apps - but there is a motivation for many to have a sexual encounter as part of a connection they make with someone.

imme · 06-10-2019 8:08pm

Sex is the default attribute with online, definitely apps and some websites.

There is little room for people who aren't sex-first type of people or sex before relationship.

Sex or sexual activity is important to relationships imo.

Where else can you look, friends of friends introduction, social LGBT groups or societies, may be.

bikeman1 · 06-10-2019 9:09pm

For me, sex is a very important part of the relationship. I would say many other gay guys are the same. Just because some guys want sex, it is not the ONLY thing they are thinking, but rather part of their overall desires with another guy.

Sameasyou · 08-10-2019 1:14am

I’d say you know what’s best for you. I’m guessing those apps you are using are geared more towards hookups, and most lads who use them are just wanting sex without having to do any work for it.
My best advice is to only ever do what feels right for you. Nothing worse than going through the motions with someone you’re hoping to build a relationship with only to find that you were just being used.
There’s still some people who appreciate older fashioned values so don’t be disheartened if you don’t find them on a hookup app.

AllForIt · 08-10-2019 2:49pm

The only reason to use gay dating apps is to look at some of the pretty pictures.

But seriously I can't bear them. Either it's a "Hey" from some completely blank profile, a query as to your preferred sexual positions, some catfish that 'joined recently' who is way out of your league, some legit guy who is the complete opposite of what you stated your looking for, and the worst for me is ppl who play games particularity those that show an interest in you but in reality just testing to see if your interested in them and then backing off after a short period of engagement with them.

I've had a couple of serious relationships (met them in bars) and now single again but I've never consider myself as someone 'looking to date' or 'want a bf'. For me these things happen naturally and looking for such an outcome can't be forced. Dating apps are no replacement for real life socializing and that is a problem if living in rural Ireland so you must get yourself out there. But yes I would say it's true most ppl on dating apps are only looking for sex and you won't be disappointed if you don't expect anything more from them than that.

Gael23 · 10-10-2019 7:58am

I feel a bit the same as the OP. I’ve hooked up with a couple of gorgeous men on Grindr but you meet, have sex and that’s it.
I don’t really drink that much which I know isn’t a huge thing but aside from that I find it difficult to go and sit alone in a gay bar hoping to catch a lads eye.

JackTaylorFan · 12-10-2019 7:34pm

Ooof! As a trans woman trying to date, I feel ya.

Most men who approach me, knowing I'm trans (as I am very upfront about it on dating apps), all seem to have a very similar expectation. They expect sex. They don't want a relationship with a trans woman. They don't respect my boundaries. They ask really sexualised questions way too early. Can be pretty ill-informed and ignorant, too. Trying to avoid chasers, cheaters and the transiently "curious".

I mean, if I wanted sex, it would be easy to get. But, nope, the whole casual thing leaves me cold.

It's pretty depressing.

adam88 · 18-10-2019 5:50am

mealforone wrote: »

So I'm 30 years old and have been on the dating scene for a number of years now. I have always struggled with it, mostly because I believe that I have high standards, or maybe just different standards to everyone else.

I have mostly used Tinder and Grindr for dating, as I'm not into the gay pub and club scene. Nothing against it, it's just not my thing.

I may be old fashioned and definitely in the minority when I say that sex isn't everything to me. I had been in relationships for a number of months where, while we did fool around, we never had sex. It was a fulfilling relationship and didn't feel that I was necessarily missing out on anything.

That may have been a very rare thing, because I'm continually railroaded when trying to date guys. I know Grindr is largely a hook up app, but there are guys there looking for dates and relationships, myself included. I've found many of them asking early on whether I'm "top or bottom". I refused to answer and he didn't want to continue talking as he said what's the point if we're incompatible in the bedroom! I find this a crazy question to ask before a first date and would equate it to a straight guy asking a girl if she likes giving blowjobs! Another guy said he prefers to have "fun" first and then hope for something more to develop.

These aren't isolated incidents and happens with most guys I find somewhat attractive and interesting. I've even had a potential relationship (from Tinder) fall apart because I turned down full on sex on a number of dates we had because I didn't feel ready, but to him it was a regular thing to have sex on the first date. I think he dumped me because we weren't sexually compatible (but this is just me guessing).

Sometimes I think my mind has this idealised version of dating, or more likely that I think the whole gay dating scene is seedy. I would believe most guys are pretty randy, and maybe it's my own hidden internal homophobia that is causing me to treat sex as this special occasion reserved for "the one". I would truly like to treat sex as a more casual thing because it seems to be setting me back in dating.

What are your experiences? Does it all come down to sex in the end?

Can we meet marry and ride off into the sunset,,,,,, thought I was alone I’m what I was looking for. Kudos to you. Fair play and happy hunting in the future

Gael23 · 27-10-2019 10:06pm

Is there a possibility that a Grindr meetup could lead to something more than a hookup? Hoping to meet with a guy soon (he messaged me) Appearance wise he’s gorgeous and from what we chatted about he’s my type of guy. So if we meet and it goes well I would be open to taking things further. Not sure if that ever happens on Grindr

Annasopra · 27-10-2019 10:43pm

Gael23 wrote: »

Is there a possibility that a Grindr meetup could lead to something more than a hookup? Hoping to meet with a guy soon (he messaged me) Appearance wise he’s gorgeous and from what we chatted about he’s my type of guy. So if we meet and it goes well I would be open to taking things further. Not sure if that ever happens on Grindr

Yes of course it is

I met someone on grindr once for a hookup and it turned into more thsn a hookup.

But you could just say to this guy - lets meet for coffe or a drink first

Ten of Swords · 27-10-2019 11:22pm

Gael23 wrote: »

So if we meet and it goes well I would be open to taking things further. Not sure if that ever happens on Grindr

It is possible and it does happen but don't get your hopes up until you know what this guys expectations are.

Gael23 · 27-10-2019 11:38pm

Ten of Swords wrote: »

It is possible and it does happen but don't get your hopes up until you know what this guys expectations are.

I know he might just want sex or even forget about me and we never meet so trying not to get my hopes up. Will just have to see how it goes I guess

Mr.Frame · 28-10-2019 6:43pm

Gael23 wrote: »

I know he might just want sex or even forget about me and we never meet so trying not to get my hopes up. Will just have to see how it goes I guess

See how things go, Dont go with any expectations and who knows

Best of luck

Gael23 · 28-10-2019 10:09pm

Sent him a few messages today and he hasn’t read them or replied so not too hopeful. I know I shouldn’t be disappointed but still....

Barna77 · 03-11-2019 7:32pm

I know some guys who have had sex with pretty much all men in Dublin

and then thy look at me and five out because I don't do hook ups. What's wrong with a nice date.... I can't even remember when was the last time I had one...

AllForIt wrote: »

the worst for me is ppl who play games particularity those that show an interest in you but in reality just testing to see if your interested in them and then backing off after a short period of engagement with them.

This.
Truly infuriating.

Does gay dating solely revolve around sex?

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