Husband doesn't have any friends

JasonStatham · 03-08-2020 11:33am

If he's happy, leave him alone.

Yyhhuuu · 03-08-2020 11:15pm

I agree with last poster. If hes happy leave him alone. I myself find it very difficult to make new friends. I think with Covid one or two people I thought were friends didnt contact me it just made me appreciate how alone I was. Sometimes I find it hard to differentiate between friends and acquaintances. I was an only child so used to being on my own but it's nice to share things but I find it incredibly difficult to find people I can click with. I'm not sure what the best way is to meet new friends, I suppose sharing a common interest makes it easier to make new friends.

vikings2012 · 03-08-2020 11:53pm

OP, you know your husband the best. You have a feeling that he would like some company and mates, and your feeling is probably correct.

For some this can be a difficult subject to bring up so I advise that you thread carefully.

In his mindset, you might be his best friend who he 100% trust and counts on. By bringing up this topic, it might create a feeling of inadequacy for him or he might be of the opinion that you are bored of his friendship.

Imagine if your best friend said to you, ‘I think you need to make more friends or be more social’, how would you feel?

Unlike others here, I value my friendships a lot. I have a small circle but I find it has huge mental health benefits for me. I would probably meet up with one of pals at least once a week. It might be only a 20 min chat about something ****e but all the same I value it.

Perhaps it’s no harm to find out your husbands opinions and views on maintaining friendships etc. You could start the conversation about your life and your friendships. E.g. pose the question to your husband - ‘do you think I have enough friends or do you think I should be more social’ . It’s a great way to find out his views on the topic while at the same time it doesn’t come across as you interfering.

04-08-2020 12:06am

The only time I miss not having a large group of friends is when there's a set event I would like to attend but have no one in my circle with a similar interest. It's at this stage that my wife remembers the bad times part of her vows and comes along.

Other than that, I'm fine. I tick along and get enough socialising from the couple of times I meet up with people.

XsApollo · 04-08-2020 7:52am

I presume in your 20’s people are more worried about social norms and what people think.
As you get older you sort of come to a realisation that there isn’t something wrong you, it’s who you are and you settle down.

In my own experience anyway.

ronivek · 04-08-2020 7:55am

qwerty13 wrote: »

In my view, true friends and family enrich your life. I don’t understand the “I have no time or interest in my friends since I got partnered up / married / had kids” attitude. To me that sounds like the ‘friends’ were only ever acquaintances or drinking buddies.

Good for you if you can easily make multiple meaningful friendships; it doesn't come so easily to everyone.

Furthermore not everyone needs more than one or two close relationships to feel reasonably fulfilled and content with their lot. In fact I would argue if you have many 'close relationships' the reality is maybe they're not as close as you seem to think they are.

Mad_maxx · 04-08-2020 1:12pm

Owlet wrote: »

Title sums it up.

I've noticed over lockdown that really truly all my husband talks about his is work or what's in the news. He is reasonably close to his parents (they live 3 hours away) and has one friend who he messages on and off but they haven't actually met up for years. I don't really know if it bothers him (if not that's fine I guess, though I wish he had something else to talk about!) and the last thing I want to do is upset him by asking and seeming insensitive. I don't have tonnes of friends myself but a couple social circles and pre covid I would regularly meet up for dinner and drinks with people. We have young children which naturally makes it harder to get out and about, but I do worry because we are moving to a new more suburban area next month (city centre now) and I don't want him to feel or become completely isolated. He likes motorbikes so I once encouraged him to attend meet ups. He went to one but I think he found it hard striking up a conversation. He's a nice guy and not a massive weirdo or anything. He's very confident and well liked at work (senior manager) but really seems to struggle socially.

Shall I leave sleeping dogs lie or should I try to raise this delicately? If so how? He is a very sensitive person which is often a virtue but it makes bringing up anything emotional extra hard.

Guy's rarely are interested in accepting new friends into their group come a certain age so meet ups etc rarely lead to anything

You can be perfectly sociable and be unable to make new friends

The_Conductor · 04-08-2020 2:43pm

OP- I genuinely don't remember the last time I interacted socially with anyone other than my wife and children.
I talk (in passing) to one guy from work (we've a few things in common- including the fact that we're both adopted and both IT nerds- but other than that- I don't remember talking to another guy- about anything- in a long long time.

Yes- it gets lonely at times- but then one or the other of my kids gives me a hug- and the world seems a better place.

My wifey- has a close friend who she rings every single day- they have a natter, compare notes, support one another.
I'm sure there are guys out there who do something similar- but I'm certainly not one of them.
Sure- there are some guys who go cycling, or running, or watch football, or go to the pub for a pint (or three) once a week (or more often)- but there are also some of us who don't. Different people are wired differently- and have different wants or needs for social interactions- and you and your hubby might just be two such people with different needs- his might be fulfilled with his interactions with you and your children- whereas you might have a need for a wider social group.

I don't think its even a man/woman thing- I've neighbours who are female both with and without partners- who are similar to your hubby- and then an elderly next door neighbour (male who never married) was completely the opposite- he *needed* to interact with as many people as humanely possible- often refusing to let them go on their way, accosting them in the street and thinking nothing of talking for an hour about a football match, the weather- or whatever.

Different people are different.

Coybig_ · 04-08-2020 2:54pm

For me OP, a lot of my friends I acquired when I was at a different point in my life. These are lads that I used to go to the pub with every weekend religiously and play 5 a side with regularly.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm a bit over the pub scene and don't enjoy it as much. I dont like the hangovers and due to me not drinking much anymore I dont have a big tolerance so I cant keep up with my friends.

I do have a handful of friends who I would keep in contact with now but even some of those have probably grown apart from me in terms of interest.

I go to matches with some of them, but I have brothers and a father with for that too. I see my friends once every 3-4 weeks and that suits me fine.
I'm honestly more content chilling out with my pets.

Bobtheman · 04-08-2020 6:36pm

Everyone is different. My wife doesn't need friends as much as I do. I just wish at times she had a wider circle so she would have a more rounded view on certain things.
However I think he sounds like he could do with a hobby. There isn't a person alive that could not benefit from something extra

TheBoyConor · 05-08-2020 11:58am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I lost 2 very good friends separately over the years when they got with partners.
Both shut off all friends along with their OHs doing same with their friends.
It's a sad, pathetic thing to do imo, to give up your friendships to spend all your free time with just your spouse.
If you think your husband or yourself fall into that category then that's a problem but if he's always been like this and not just chucking his friends for you, then that's just his personality.

And when it all goes south and they break up, they inevitably come crawling back. Pathetic doesn't begin to describe it. They don't even see how ridiculous they look.

Kylta · 06-08-2020 7:05pm

I'm in my 50s and separated, and single at the moment. I'm fortunate enough to have many friends from my teens to work. I think when you start settling down with small kids the tendency is to concentrate more on your family than friends. The trick is not to lose friends. If off shortly for a break with two mates one married and one single(saying that im comfortable holiday on my own ) I know women make friends quicker with other women( they love to gossip/backbite/nag etc). But men are sometimes awkward at making friendships when they get older. But men should really make the effort because has we get older and we retire if we have nothing on our mind our things to do that's when I believe you mental health will suffer.

07-08-2020 12:58am

1) This question could only have been posed by a woman.

2) Where is a man who takes his career seriously while raising young kids and keeping on top of household stuff supposed to get the energy for socialising?

3) It is perfectly normal for a man to want to spend his limited amount of free time in the company of himself and his family. It's called home. Home is, or at least ought to be, a sanctuary from the world.

4) You seem to have a good man there. Stop this headwrecking and give the man love and attention. Kindness. Sex. Hugs. Conversation. Listen. Keep it simple. See Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs under 'Love and belonging". He could be off every night and boring you to death with his soccer obsession or something equally stultifying. It's a blessing to have somebody so easily satisfied and not spending hours a week on the phone bitching about frenemies, or the latest, vacuous reality tv rubbish.

5) It's almost as if you are the one uncomfortable with his spending so much time in your family home and you'd like a break from him. If so, perhaps think about why this is the case?

qwerty13 · 07-08-2020 1:29am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

1) This question could only have been posed by a woman.
>> that is really unfair, and sexist

2) Where is a man who takes his career seriously while raising young kids and keeping on top of household stuff supposed to get the energy for socialising?
>> a lot of people, male and female, have a full and busy life, with many obligations. This is not exclusive to men. Many people, make and female, enjoy having hobbies and friends overlapping with or outside of their relationship with their partner

3) It is perfectly normal for a man to want to spend his limited amount of free time in the company of himself and his family. It's called home. Home is, or at least ought to be, a sanctuary from the world.
>> home is hopefully a safe and happy place. This does not mean that it should be so to the exclusion of any other outside interests, or other people. I believe that it’s good and healthy to have varied interests, and groups of people in your life.

4) You seem to have a good man there. Stop this headwrecking and give the man love and attention. Kindness. Sex. Hugs. Conversation. Listen. Keep it simple. See Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs under 'Love and belonging". He could be off every night and boring you to death with his soccer obsession or something equally stultifying. It's a blessing to have somebody so easily satisfied and not spending hours a week on the phone bitching about frenemies, or the latest, vacuous reality tv rubbish.
>> it’s not the 1950’s. Women have a tad more aspirations these days than ‘a good man’. Your comments actually read like a US manual for the 1950’s housewife about how to please your man. I think the OP has made it clear that she’d like her partner to have more diversity of people in his life. I don’t think practically telling her to have his dinner on the table with a smile is going to help. It’s actually quite offensive

5) It's almost as if you are the one uncomfortable with his spending so much time in your family home and you'd like a break from him. If so, perhaps think about why this is the case?
>> dear god. If she isnt devoted to lapping up his every word - and ALL of his words being directed to her - then she should examine her relationship?!

I actually struggle to think of your post as anything other than the genuinely most misogynistic post that I’ve read in ages. The OP is not entirely happy, and some will agree with her that her point is valid, and others will not. Such is life. People will offer their own point of view or experience here, and it may resonate with the OP or give perhaps an alternative perspective.

But telling her to suck it up and act like a grateful 1950’s housewife. JFC.

OP, how you feel is, well, how you feel. It doesn’t mean that you’re right or wrong - and neither is your partner. I’d hope that the points of view and suggestions on this thread give you the confidence to make some very gentle suggestions, and possibly changes in your family life. You are not wrong for wanting something a little bit different in your family dynamic. I wish you all the best in trying to find a - mutual - happy equilibrium

07-08-2020 8:37am

qwerty13 wrote: »

it’s not the 1950’s. Women have a tad more aspirations these days than ‘a good man’. Your comments actually read like a US manual for the 1950’s housewife about how to please your man.

Wow. You managed to manipulate a comment about having a good man into something negative and play the victim card. Impressive victimhood there.

qwerty13 wrote: »

I think the OP has made it clear that she’d like her partner to have more diversity of people in his life.

Yes, and no doubt if he'd try to control the number of people she had in her life the same way you'd be at the very top of the queue screaming "control!", "abuse!", and all the rest.

qwerty13 wrote: »

I don’t think practically telling her to have his dinner on the table with a smile is going to help.

Wow. You've serious issues there. Nobody actually said or implied that so quit the ridiculous paranoia. She is trying to control his preferences. She needs to respect his right and not impose her views on the value of friendship on him. The underlying "He's not normal" value judgement because he refuses to create those friendships is more of the same intolerance. A wholescale lack of acceptance for him as he is, and I suspect a lack of empathy for what he has experienced in previous socialising that contribute to his present preferences.

qwerty13 wrote: »

But telling her to suck it up and act like a grateful 1950’s housewife. JFC.

That's some chip on your shoulder. She's trying to impose her values re friendship on his life. He is happy without having friends. She needs to respect his preferences and respect his right to not put time into friendships. It's quite straightforward, actually. Introducing the "You're abusing women" card when the woman's imposition is objected to is pathetic.

Blush_01 · 08-08-2020 9:36am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Wow. You managed to manipulate a comment about having a good man into something negative and play the victim card. Impressive victimhood there.

Yes, and no doubt if he'd try to control the number of people she had in her life the same way you'd be at the very top of the queue screaming "control!", "abuse!", and all the rest.

Wow. You've serious issues there. Nobody actually said or implied that so quit the ridiculous paranoia. She is trying to control his preferences. She needs to respect his right and not impose her views on the value of friendship on him. The underlying "He's not normal" value judgement because he refuses to create those friendships is more of the same intolerance. A wholescale lack of acceptance for him as he is, and I suspect a lack of empathy for what he has experienced in previous socialising that contribute to his present preferences.

That's some chip on your shoulder. She's trying to impose her values re friendship on his life. He is happy without having friends. She needs to respect his preferences and respect his right to not put time into friendships. It's quite straightforward, actually. Introducing the "You're abusing women" card when the woman's imposition is objected to is pathetic.

It's impressive how you've taken a question from a person who has openly taken positive suggestions on this thread already and tried to twist it into a pretzel of misandry.

Maybe you need your own thread, rather than hijacking one raised by a partner who cares for her OH and wants to support him, and is willing to acknowledge some of her frustrations could definitely be about the changed dynamic and come from her.

Ultimately, the OP cares about her OH and wants to enable him to be happy if she can. She's not looking for a primer on how to be a wife from someone with their own agenda.

Husband doesn't have any friends

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