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The bride who wanted a no kids wedding now wants her kids at the wedding

  • 15-07-2020 2:40am
    #1
    v638sg7k1a92bx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,913 ✭✭✭


    You couldn't make this up. There is now a dispute in the family because the sister in law who was adamant about having a no kids wedding now wants an exception to be made for her kids to be allowed to another relatives wedding. Something to do with not leaving her 1.5 yo and 4 yo alone and the babysitter, the weekend, the cost, her kids are really good etc etc.
    The lack of awareness of these people is incredible. Did she not think other people had the same issue for at her wedding knowing that her husband's siblings and cousins had small children but now that the tables have turned somehow the situation is different for her?

    Do people who have childless weddings also plan on having childless marriages? There is glaring lack of self awareness with newly weds in that the whole point of marriage is the start a family and you mark this occasion by excluding children which most people intend on having.

    At my wedding, everyone was invited. I was aware that if I want my friends and family have lives and commitments of their own and if I want them to be there then I accept they have families of their own. What type of friend says I want you to come to my wedding but leave your kids at home or leave your wife at home?


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Comments

  • #2
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    We had a child free wedding.
    We never expect our children to be accommodated at a wedding.
    Unless this is your wedding stay out of it.


  • #3
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,289 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Charlie Spicy Jade wrote: »
    At my wedding, everyone was invited. I was aware that if I want my friends and family have lives and commitments of their own and if I want them to be there then I accept they have families of their own. What type of friend says I want you to come to my wedding but leave your kids at home or leave your wife at home?

    Same as mine. We did everything we could to encourage people to come and did our best to keep costs down for our guests.
    Weddings unfortunately seem to bring out the selfish in people. How often have you heard something like 'her wedding so she decides '.
    When my kids aren't invited to a wedding we don't really enjoy it as we need to check in regularly. We usually end up leaving at around 10 to make it home at a reasonable hour. The day is more of a hassle than anything else.


  • #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,712 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I don’t think there’s much that can ruin a wedding as much as children at it. For one day arrangements should be made and they should be left behind and if you can’t/won’t then don’t come.
    The woman in the OP just sounds mean and wants it every way. Hopefully the couple getting married stand for.


  • #5
    Sebastian Dangerfield
    Registered Users Posts: 1,792 ✭✭✭Sebastian Dangerfield


    There are two issues here. One is the issue of kids at weddings, which has been done to death on Boards. I personally think weddings are not places for kids, in the same way I wouldnt leave a child in a pub for 12 hours. This is getting worse rather than better, due to the ever growing beast that is the Irish wedding. Every one I go to seems to have more standing around and waiting than the last. I accept people have different views on that.

    The other is this persons huge double standards, which seem odd in the extreme.


  • #6
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Everything about weddings bamboozles me. The mind boggling expense. The paralysing stress. The stupid numbers. The should dos, must haves, cant bares. It is a cryptic modern invention designed to torture people at the beginning of a marriage. Bring back small quick I Dos in a little church or public office followed by tasty snacks in someones house and then everyone can feck off mid afternoon and live happily ever after! I eloped and hope to goodness my children do too. A million problems solved in one fell swoop.
    As for this issue OP and any similar issues my advice is stay well back, say nothing, offer no ears to argument, be completely and happily detached from the madness and float on by.


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  • #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,712 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Everything about weddings bamboozles me. The mind boggling expense. The paralysing stress. The stupid numbers. The should dos, must haves, cant bares. It is a cryptic modern invention designed to torture people at the beginning of a marriage. Bring back small quick I Dos in a little church or public office followed by tasty snacks in someones house and then everyone can feck off mid afternoon and live happily ever after! I eloped and hope to goodness my children do too. A million problems solved in one fell swoop.
    As for this issue OP and any similar issues my advice is stay well back, say nothing, offer no ears to argument, be completely and happily detached from the madness and float on by.

    I’d be more of the thinking that people should do what they want themselves. Big wedding if they like or your small wedding if they like, but I certainly wouldn’t hold them to yours.
    This bride in question sounds like she doesn’t want children at hers the same as double standards woman didn’t want them at hers.


  • #8
    Gruffalux
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    ReginaldSmythV wrote: »
    I’d be more of the thinking that people should do what they want themselves. Big wedding if they like or your small wedding if they like, but I certainly wouldn’t hold them to yours.
    This bride in question sounds like she doesn’t want children at hers the same as double standards woman didn’t want them at hers.

    I know people should do what they want. Just some things seem to bring a lot more hassle in their wake. Plus the general point stands - stay back, don't wade into other people's melodramas . It will be sorted by the loudest voice. Life is too short for that.


  • #9
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,326 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Charlie Spicy Jade wrote: »

    Do people who have childless weddings also plan on having childless marriages?

    Absolutely not the same thing. People who have kids manage jobs, trips to the pub, meals out and weekends away without their kids. If someone is having a party, often with a long day of alcohol use, they are absolutely entitled to say they don't want children present. We only had our two nieces present as they were flower girls and they left after the meal. If my kids were invited to a wedding I wouldn't being them. They are under 3 though, so it would be a nightmare day. I can't see myself wanting to bring them for the next few years anyway unless it was either of our siblings getting married.


  • #10
    GingerLily
    Registered Users Posts: 4,767 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    I had a mostly childless wedding (just my 2 nieces and babies under 1), the venue wasn't very safe for kids and I know we made the right decision for us given what I've seen at other family weddings. None of our close friends or family cared, only distant cousins really, which really doesn't bother me.

    Unless the B&G have asked you to get involved, stay out of it OP.


  • #11
    Irishphotodesk
    Registered Users Posts: 1,896 ✭✭✭Irishphotodesk


    The only people we didn’t invite to our wedding was social media, we asked people not to post images online because some people who were not invited may be hurt/offended, we wanted people to enjoy the moment and the day.

    As regards kids, we felt it added to the party seeing young kids dancing without a care in the world, some with no rhythm just bopping along , playing air guitar, or trying to imitate adults.

    one of my sisters was heavily pregnant at the time of our wedding, and kids in the immediate family ranged from a few months old to in their teens.

    We have attended weddings where kids were not invited and due to how young our kids were at the time we felt it necessary to either not attend (usually a friends wedding) or have one of us stay with the kids in hotel room for the duration (usually it was a relatives wedding).

    The cost involved in attending any wedding these days is crazy, I think we have 2 next year which were postponed from 2020, we had arranged that the kids attend a sleepover with cousins for one of the weddings and had not seen formal arrangements for the second wedding but assume kids will be invited due to the fact that our kids are friends and go on play dates...but we will cross that when invite comes in the letterbox next summer.

    For us, kids aren’t an issue at a wedding, neither family are big drinkers so there was never going to be adults drunk and somewhat messy.


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  • #12
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,904 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    It's a bit rich having a no kids wedding and then insisting your kids are invited to another wedding. I think that's really cheeky.


  • #13
    Heres Johnny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Heres Johnny


    What I don't get is why people take other peoples weddings so seriously. Giving out about timing/costs/kids/locations etc and putting themselves under pressure but still going. If it doesn't suit, don't go. They're nearly all carbon copy of each other anyway even though everyone spends big thinking they're unique.

    I'm in my late 30s now and have been invited to, at a guess, 50 to 60 weddings in last 10 years between my huge number of cousins, rugby club mates, gaa club mates, close friends, work colleagues. I've gone to about 10, just made excuses with work/holidays and wished them luck. 6 weddings a year, not a hope, couldn't sit through that many. Some cousins pissed off at me but don't really care.


  • #14
    Sebastian Dangerfield
    Registered Users Posts: 1,792 ✭✭✭Sebastian Dangerfield


    The hassle that comes from these things is unreal. My cousins wife still hasnt spoken to me 5 years later, because I said their invite was just for the adults. She had mentioned before that regardless of what was written on the invite, unless she was categorically told not to bring kids, she was bringing them to any wedding she was invited to. So I categorically told her and it didnt go down well.

    At another wedding, people coming from America hassled every member of the family to lobby for their teenage daughter to come (the issue wasnt so much with her, the bride felt if that person came, she'd have to row back on another 20 or so kids coming). Anyway despite being told by everyone not to bring the teenager, who could stay behind in the US with her dad, they landed in with her anyway and the bride had a handful of people on her back all the next day, about why some kids were allowed but theirs weren't.

    Like some others, if my kids are invited Im still not bringing them, for their sake and mine. Ive been to some lower key weddings in the UK though, and would probably reconsider if that was the done thing here. But its not.


  • #15
    Fr Tod Umptious
    Registered Users Posts: 14,988 ✭✭✭✭Fr Tod Umptious


    The thing is that when most people get married they don't have kids themselves so they don't understand the amount of time and effort that kids take up, especially the ages mentioned in this case 1.5yo and 4yo.

    They think that it's easy for a couple to go to an event without their kids, being totally oblivious to things like finding a babysitter, the amount of time they will be away etc etc.

    And why wouldn't they be oblivious, they don't have kids, they don't know what's involved.

    But now the shoe is on the other foot, the person in question has two of her own, and is probably flat out with both of them.
    She knows the hassle of having to get a babysitter, of being away all day/possibly overnight.
    And she probably has a very different mindset when it comes to kids than she did when she got married.

    It's only natural, kids are the biggest game changer in life.


  • #16
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,712 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Sebastian Dangerfield wrote: »
    The hassle that comes from these things is unreal. My cousins wife still hasnt spoken to me 5 years later, because I said their invite was just for the adults. She had mentioned before that regardless of what was written on the invite, unless she was categorically told not to bring kids, she was bringing them to any wedding she was invited to. So I categorically told her and it didnt go down well.

    At another wedding, people coming from America hassled every member of the family to lobby for their teenage daughter to come (the issue wasnt so much with her, the bride felt if that person came, she'd have to row back on another 20 or so kids coming). Anyway despite being told by everyone not to bring the teenager, who could stay behind in the US with her dad, they landed in with her anyway and the bride had a handful of people on her back all the next day, about why some kids were allowed but theirs weren't.

    Like some others, if my kids are invited Im still not bringing them, for their sake and mine. Ive been to some lower key weddings in the UK though, and would probably reconsider if that was the done thing here. But its not.

    That would boil me. The lot of them should have been turned away for bringing her.


  • #17
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 7,712 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Fr Tod Umptious wrote: »
    The thing is that when most people get married they don't have kids themselves so they don't understand the amount of time and effort that kids take up, especially the ages mentioned in this case 1.5yo and 4yo.

    They think that it's easy for a couple to go to an event without their kids, being totally oblivious to things like finding a babysitter, the amount of time they will be away etc etc.

    And why wouldn't they be oblivious, they don't have kids, they don't know what's involved.

    But now the shoe is on the other foot, the person in question has two of her own, and is probably flat out with both of them.
    She knows the hassle of having to get a babysitter, of being away all day/possibly overnight.
    And she probably has a very different mindset when it comes to kids than she did when she got married.

    It's only natural, kids are the biggest game changer in life.

    That’s not the brides problem though. The same as it wasn’t this other woman’s problem when she didn’t want children at hers.


  • #18
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    Fr Tod Umptious wrote: »
    The thing is that when most people get married they don't have kids themselves so they don't understand the amount of time and effort that kids take up, especially the ages mentioned in this case 1.5yo and 4yo.

    They think that it's easy for a couple to go to an event without their kids, being totally oblivious to things like finding a babysitter, the amount of time they will be away etc etc.

    And why wouldn't they be oblivious, they don't have kids, they don't know what's involved.

    But now the shoe is on the other foot, the person in question has two of her own, and is probably flat out with both of them.
    She knows the hassle of having to get a babysitter, of being away all day/possibly overnight.
    And she probably has a very different mindset when it comes to kids than she did when she got married.

    It's only natural, kids are the biggest game changer in life.
    Don't buy this for a second.
    The entitled arseholes are the same regardless of whether they have kids. Most people I know with kids aren't selfish. The selfish ones would be the same if they had no kids because they think the world revolves around them.
    No one should expect anyone else to care about their child care issues or other matters when it comes to attending an event.


  • #19
    sydthebeat
    Subscribers Posts: 40,943 ✭✭✭✭sydthebeat


    Fr Tod Umptious wrote: »
    The thing is that when most people get married they don't have kids themselves so they don't understand the amount of time and effort that kids take up, especially the ages mentioned in this case 1.5yo and 4yo.

    They think that it's easy for a couple to go to an event without their kids, being totally oblivious to things like finding a babysitter, the amount of time they will be away etc etc.

    And why wouldn't they be oblivious, they don't have kids, they don't know what's involved.

    But now the shoe is on the other foot, the person in question has two of her own, and is probably flat out with both of them.
    She knows the hassle of having to get a babysitter, of being away all day/possibly overnight.
    And she probably has a very different mindset when it comes to kids than she did when she got married.

    It's only natural, kids are the biggest game changer in life.

    If she can't organise her kids, she shouldn't go to the wedding... End of.

    This woman is ultra selfish


  • #20
    BnB
    Registered Users Posts: 1,079 ✭✭✭BnB


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    ...... When my kids aren't invited to a wedding we don't really enjoy it as we need to check in regularly. We usually end up leaving at around 10 to make it home at a reasonable hour. The day is more of a hassle than anything else.

    I have to say, I'd be the complete opposite to that. I'd say nothing would ruin a good wedding for me more than having to bring my kids.

    I understand there is a bit of hassle dropping them off at Granny's or the babysitters or getting your house ready for someone coming in for the night to mind them or whatever, but there is a shed load more hassle involved in bringing them. You have to get outfits for them, you have to get them all ready that morning, bring all their gear with you, mind them in the church, mind them all day in the hotel, put them to bed in the hotel (and stay with them) or sod off home early with them.

    It was probably what I loved most about all the weddings we went to in our late 20s / early 30s. They forced us to get dolled up and take a day (and god forbid, even a night) off, just together away from the kids, when otherwise we probably wouldn't have done it. We were often chatting in the car going to a wedding and we'd realise it was the first time we got to have just a normal chat in months.

    Having said that, other people's kids don't bother me at weddings. I don't care if a bunch of sugared up kids are setting fire to the table cloth of the table I'm eating off. As long as I'm not the one meant to be looking after them, it's no skin off my nose whatsoever. In fact, t'was probably me bought them all the red bull and gave them the matches...!!!!


  • #21
    salmocab
    Registered Users Posts: 11,278 ✭✭✭✭salmocab


    Heres Johnny wrote: »
    What I don't get is why people take other peoples weddings so seriously. Giving out about timing/costs/kids/locations etc and putting themselves under pressure but still going. If it doesn't suit, don't go. They're nearly all carbon copy of each other anyway even though everyone spends big thinking they're unique.

    I'm in my late 30s now and have been invited to, at a guess, 50 to 60 weddings in last 10 years between my huge number of cousins, rugby club mates, gaa club mates, close friends, work colleagues. I've gone to about 10, just made excuses with work/holidays and wished them luck. 6 weddings a year, not a hope, couldn't sit through that many. Some cousins pissed off at me but don't really care.

    I’ve said this around here a few times, just say no if it doesn’t suit you. It’s not a court summons it’s an invite with a box ready for you to tick to say you arent coming. Tick the box write a short apology and that’s the end of it. I actually in the main enjoy weddings especially of my mates but don’t go if they don’t suit. I think people waste money on certain things at weddings like sweet carts and photo booths but whatever floats their boats, so long as you give people a good meal and great music they’ll generally remember it as a good day.


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  • #22
    Fr Tod Umptious
    Registered Users Posts: 14,988 ✭✭✭✭Fr Tod Umptious


    sydthebeat wrote: »
    If she can't organise her kids, she shouldn't go to the wedding... End of.

    This woman is ultra selfish

    I'm not saying she is right

    I'm just saying her attitude to kids has changed since she got married.


  • #23
    sydthebeat
    Subscribers Posts: 40,943 ✭✭✭✭sydthebeat


    Fr Tod Umptious wrote: »
    I'm not saying she is right

    I'm just saying her attitude to kids has changed since she got married.

    I'd say her attitude about kids changed after she had kids, as, you know, having kids is a life altering event.

    However she was once the bride who didn't want kids at her wedding, so she should understand fully why this current bride doesn't want kids at this wedding.

    She is being incredibly selfish by insisting she brings her own kids.

    If she can't organise them, then don't go.

    Its actually incredibly simple


  • #24
    JayRoc
    Registered Users Posts: 1,567 ✭✭✭JayRoc


    Sebastian Dangerfield wrote: »
    She had mentioned before that regardless of what was written on the invite, unless she was categorically told not to bring kids, she was bringing them to any wedding she was invited to.
    .

    Of all the mad things to do with weddings, the above attitude is the one that genuinely stuns me


  • #25
    facehugger99
    Registered Users Posts: 7,196 ✭✭✭facehugger99


    Some people think weddings are a family and friends celebration of two people coming together. Personally I love to see kids at a wedding.

    Other people are more into the slab of beef, side of mash and 15 pints of Guinness by 7.30pm. For them a wedding is an excuse for a gigantic piss-up and they massively resent anything that impinges on that.


  • #26
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    Agreed. If you can’t organise a babysitter either in the hotel or at home then don’t go - its totally unfair.

    Friend of mine had a babies welcome event up til 10pm which seemed reasonable and there were a few children accidentally trampled on by drunk dancers when the dj upped his game and everyone got over-enthuiastic too quickly - I still remember the horrified dancers and parents and heart wrenching screams of the toddlers -IMO a big drinking event is not suitable for children and mobile toddlers.

    Relation of mine was very specific about having an absolutely no baby/children welcome wedding. They went to a lot of effort planning and paying for their dream day. Another relation despite asking and being told no, turned up to the dinner with two children both of which despite the bride coming down and telling her to leave with them. the mother refused and insisted to the hotel staff they had to be sat at the table (I was at) and the mother insisted on plates being put in front of them and others put bits from their meal in front of them so they would have something to eat. It was mortifying and a total
    embarassment - especially to see the bride who was paying for it all so put out and angry about it.
    Her friends and family had been told no and made arrangements - she didn’t even know these kids. Of course the kid talked and made noise and the baby screamed throughout the speeches - ruining
    the video of her fathers speech and the
    look of upset and anger on the brides face was just awful.

    We all still talk years on about how the mother behaved so badly and upset the bride so
    much. She was a distant cousin and had been invited to be polite and include her - she wasn’t eveen close with the bride or her new husband.

    Weddings are emotional events - if the bride says no kids they have thought about it and mean it. They are paying huge money for one day - if you can’t abide by their wishes then don’t go IMO.


  • #27
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    facehugger99 wrote: »
    Some people think weddings are a family and friends celebration of two people coming together. Personally I love to see kids at a wedding.

    Other people are more into the slab of beef, side of mash and 15 pints of Guinness by 7.30pm. For them a wedding is an excuse for a gigantic piss-up and they massively resent anything that impinges on that.
    You say this like its one or the other.
    I've never thought a wedding was improved by having children present.


  • #28
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,891 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    We have no children and are having an almost kid free wedding. There will be 4 kids who are part of the wedding party and no more kids/children/babies invited. We made this clear to anyone invited and had no resistance to it. Everybody was fine about it that had kids. Our friends and family group have a lot of grown up kids so this could have added 20-30% to our numbers so we made the decision and stuck with it.

    What a ridiculous comment about having a lack of self awareness and therefore childless marriages?
    Im very aware of what I/we want. And also took into consideration others when we made the decision of no kids. Come down off your high horse and don't be so sanctimonious.
    Charlie Spicy Jade wrote: »
    You couldn't make this up. There is now a dispute in the family because the sister in law who was adamant about having a no kids wedding now wants an exception to be made for her kids to be allowed to another relatives wedding. Something to do with not leaving her 1.5 yo and 4 yo alone and the babysitter, the weekend, the cost, her kids are really good etc etc.
    The lack of awareness of these people is incredible. Did she not think other people had the same issue for at her wedding knowing that her husband's siblings and cousins had small children but now that the tables have turned somehow the situation is different for her?

    Do people who have childless weddings also plan on having childless marriages? There is glaring lack of self awareness with newly weds in that the whole point of marriage is the start a family and you mark this occasion by excluding children which most people intend on having.

    At my wedding, everyone was invited. I was aware that if I want my friends and family have lives and commitments of their own and if I want them to be there then I accept they have families of their own. What type of friend says I want you to come to my wedding but leave your kids at home or leave your wife at home?


  • #29
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,904 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Fr Tod Umptious wrote: »
    The thing is that when most people get married they don't have kids themselves so they don't understand the amount of time and effort that kids take up, especially the ages mentioned in this case 1.5yo and 4yo.

    They think that it's easy for a couple to go to an event without their kids, being totally oblivious to things like finding a babysitter, the amount of time they will be away etc etc.

    And why wouldn't they be oblivious, they don't have kids, they don't know what's involved.

    But now the shoe is on the other foot, the person in question has two of her own, and is probably flat out with both of them.
    She knows the hassle of having to get a babysitter, of being away all day/possibly overnight.
    And she probably has a very different mindset when it comes to kids than she did when she got married.

    It's only natural, kids are the biggest game changer in life.

    If one couple insist on a child free wedding, other couples are allowed to have that mindset too. Otherwise who gets to decide which bride and groom get to have it their way?


  • #30
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    The couple are entitled to have the day they want. If that means no kids so be it. It’s difficult when you’ve kids and you have to try and organise childcare but that’s life. If you can’t go you can’t go. No harm in asking if you can bring your children but expecting people to accommodate them or getting into a strop when you don’t get your way is ridiculous. Weddings really do bring out the worst in people.


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  • #31
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    I think it's so rude to ask if you can bring someone who's name isn't in the invite. Be it a child or the woman who wanted to bring a friend to our wedding because her husband couldn't go.


This discussion has been closed.
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