Mentally ill brother destroying family

LegacyUser · 21-07-2020 4:09pm #1

Hi- I'm 33 and living at home with my parents and my 36 year old brother. I've been at home for nearly 2 years now, trying to save a deposit. As I type, he's roaring at the top of his lungs that my mother is a "f**king c**t" and other vile abuses. This has been going on, on and off, for many years. I don't think he's violent but I think he throws things. I'm not downstairs when he's behaving like this, I'm cowering in my room while also trying to work from home.

He has no friends, no job, no social life, no nothing. I'm pretty sure he has severe OCD and anxiety, maybe some form of depression, but to be honest, I really do not care anymore. He makes my parents' lives a living hell. I was tempted to call the guards 15 minutes ago, but it would ultimately make the situation worse. All the windows are open so the entire neighbourhood has heard his fit.

My parents have begged him to seek help for his mental state many times over the years. He refuses absolutely all suggestions. I think he is a selfish, disgusting person.

He and I do not speak. He is nothing but a drain on my life. He contributes nothing to me emotionally, and I have nothing to give. Without going into detail, I am dealing with a lot of my own s**t too and cannot take his in.

I am so stressed out, I don't know whether to buy with the economy potentially about to collapse, but I cannot live here anymore.

What should I do?

GreeBo · 21-07-2020 5:54pm

Have you spoken to your parents about it?
He needs help, but you all need to be on the same page first.

Xterminator · 22-07-2020 12:14pm

hi op

you need to be clear about what things you can control, and cannot control.

you can decide where you live. also you can live somewhere without buying it.

you do not control your ill brothers behavior. you cannot control your parents actions. you cannot choose who lives in your parents house.

Should you put up with things at home, and see if its worth the pain to be able to save money? judging by your comments it is not, and you should get out. rent/share somewhere, then make permanent plans when you are under less stress.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2020 2:19pm

To Greebo- yes I speak to my parents regularly about it. My mother doesn't know what to do. My father will forgive anything under the banner of "mental illness". Never mind the welfare of his other child who is living here. I do hope to be out ASAP, one way or another.

Both of them enable his compulsions, which I refuse to do, and which makes him worse and worse in the long-term.

kerryjack · 22-07-2020 4:51pm

He sounds like a spoilt manchild. It was never mad clear to him that he can't behave like that. It was drilled in to us when I was young, respect for your parents and for your community. You dared do anything out of the way as you would let down your family. As a parent myself of 4 lads, any disrespect to myself or there mother they are out the gate. They know that and they know me. They will be encouraged to travel and see the world and stand on there own 2 feet and find there own place.
Sorry about the rant out the door with him

OP4.5 · 22-07-2020 5:38pm

Hi OP,

I empathise with your situation. I empathise so much because I am in the exact same situation however for me, it is my younger brother (very late twenties) that is causing the issues.

He started being passive aggressive towards me and when I didn't respond in kind, he became worse - not listening to me and admitting that he would not listen to me. Then he became verbally aggressive towards me and said as much bad stuff as you can to someone. Purposefully hurtful and insulting with the only intention being to cause pain. In a heated argument when I was asking him to listen, he started recording me when I was shouting asking him to listen and he circulated that to mutual friends. It was to try and make him look like the victim. Manipulative, horrible behaviour. That was the last straw. Extremely bullying behaviour.

Yesterday evening, I sat him and my parents down and I divulged all of his drug taking secrets. I was sick and tired of him playing up and pretending like he is a great bloke when he lives a double-life, taking drugs in the family house. I responded to a bully with the only thing he understood - by metaphorically smacking him between the eyes. <b><u> **I am not advocating this however, as it only makes things worse.** </b></u>.

He was flabbergasted and has been as quiet as a kitten today. However I am hurt that I had to stoop down to his level.

Why am I telling you this, you might ask?

Well, I am stating the above to let you know that you are not alone. I am in a very similar position. There are many others like this.

I am taking the advice that has been mentioned on this thread and on other threads and since yesterday evening, I am actively looking for a room in other accommodation. While it will slow me down in the sense that I won't be able to save up for a mortgage as quickly, it will speed up and improve all other aspects of my life.

It might be best to move out. He will never change, not at this stage. By moving out, at least you are giving yourself the best opportunity at a happy life.
It won't be easy, but the most worthwhile things never are. Good luck

HildaOgdenx · 22-07-2020 6:18pm

I agree with the previous poster.

I know you mentioned saving for a deposit, but it sounds like you need to get out of where you are as soon as you can. It will mean renting somewhere, which hopefully is an option, for you. You can then take time to consider buying.

Your parents (and your brother) will most likely continue on, as they are. So you need to put yourself and your own health first.

antix80 · 22-07-2020 11:08pm

Have to get out of here wrote: »

What should I do?

Rent.

Your brother's problems didn't develop over night. Who knows if your parents contributed but they're not helping him. So what should they do? If they can afford to, hand him a few grand and tell him to move out.

yosser hughes · 29-07-2020 11:09am

Is your brother on any kind of medication or is he self-medicating? Is he drinking, taking any drugs?

salonfire · 29-07-2020 10:30pm

See if you can get the Mental Health authorities involved.

Or else threaten to get Mental Health authorities involved with a view of getting him sectioned. Granted, probably empty threats but might be enough to get him to buck up his ideas a bit.

statto25 · 30-07-2020 12:00pm

There are no mental health authorities? Are you suggesting men in white coats come and take him away?
OP you are doing the correct thing here for yourself. You cant force your parents to do anything and you cant make your brother change either.
He is acting the tool but he obviously has issues he needs to have resolved and quickly. Get yourself a place to live and look after yourself. Get counseling if you feel you need it and get stuff off your chest

newuser99999 · 30-07-2020 12:01pm

salonfire wrote: »

See if you can get the Mental Health authorities involved.

Or else threaten to get Mental Health authorities involved with a view of getting him sectioned. Granted, probably empty threats but might be enough to get him to buck up his ideas a bit.

Most definitely empty threats and not useful advice either. Do you have any idea of what’s involved in getting someone sectioned? Probably not.

salonfire · 30-07-2020 12:11pm

newuser99999 wrote: »

Most definitely empty threats and not useful advice either. Do you have any idea of what’s involved in getting someone sectioned? Probably not.

Yes, I know there's a lot to getting someone sectioned which is why I suggested the threat to do it. Maybe the brother is none the wiser and will take the threat seriously and cop on.

Or the parents could put him on the streets. If he is still causing an issue, then that's how you get the authorities involved. He's their problem then.

DD1518 · 30-07-2020 12:19pm

Sorry to hear you are going through this also I'm in the same boat the last few years with my younger brother who is very aggressive and violent along with being manipulative and looking for money off my mother at all times. He refuses to work and doesn't qualify for Dole because of the combined income in the house so therefore wants his nights out funded and holidays and cars paid for or else he will smash up the house we have contacted the guards and tried to get a barring order but Mam never goes through with it to be honest she enables this behaviour by never putting boundaries and rules in place with him there's quiet a big age gap between us I'd describe him as a Celtic tiger baby who was brought up at a time when money was plentiful and could have all the latest consoles and phones etc and didn't know the word No.

When challenged he assaults us and keeps the house awake all night if we fight back he will go and destroy carpets with ketchup-Curry sauce and punch holes in doors and smash TVs so it's gone to the stage we hide away from him he doesn't care what he says or who's listening and the feeling of stress and anxiety we have because of him isn't right it's a terrible predicament to be in.

He has a girlfriend who thinks butter wouldn't melt in his mouth and his relationship is built on nothing but lies I'd love to tell her what he's really like as I'd fear what could happen if he ever gets married or has kids with her but I know life wouldn't be worth living if I did that he genuinely would kill me he's 6ft 4 and 23 stone an absolute behemoth.

antix80 · 30-07-2020 12:38pm

salonfire wrote: »

Yes, I know there's a lot to getting someone sectioned which is why I suggested the threat to do it. Maybe the brother is none the wiser and will take the threat seriously and cop on.

Why would you assume he's so stupid? People like him usually aren't stupid at all.. they're angry, and if they think they're being played or manipulated it will just make things worse for everyone.

salonfire wrote: »

Or the parents could put him on the streets. If he is still causing an issue, then that's how you get the authorities involved. He's their problem then.

Clearly, the parents won't do this.

They should.

I reckon if they tried the gardai would turn up at door with the brother some day asking the parents to take them off their hands. Or the hospital would call the parents, asking them to collect him.. as long as the parents are about, the brother will be their problem.
The brother will have to sort out his own problems - the parents cannot help in a situation like this.

barbiegirl123 · 31-07-2020 5:00pm

If it were me I would call an ambulance for him and explain the situation to the paramedics. He is not going to listen to anyone else otherwise

Sardonicat · 31-07-2020 5:02pm

barbiegirl123 wrote: »

If it were me I would call an ambulance for him and explain the situation to the paramedics. He is not going to listen to anyone else otherwise

What do you suppose the paramedics will do? They can't just cart him off agains tax his will.

antix80 · 31-07-2020 5:24pm

barbiegirl123 wrote: »

If it were me I would call an ambulance for him and explain the situation to the paramedics. He is not going to listen to anyone else otherwise

Help! I need an ambulance. It's my brother.. he's sitting in his room with no friends, no job and no social life, and he's just thrown his playstation controller.

mr_fegelien · 31-07-2020 6:37pm

Can you evict him like the 30yr old in New York was?

link here

Alrigghtythen · 31-07-2020 6:41pm

Sounds like a toxic situation. Your parents house with 2 siblings that dont get in. I agree with other posters, move out it the only thing you can control. Your mental health is important and also that of your parents.

mr_fegelien · 31-07-2020 7:01pm

Can I ask, is it common for mentally ill people in Ireland to end up homeless or not?

Hannibal_Smith · 31-07-2020 7:23pm

Mod Note

mr_fegelien thank you for your post. Posters are asked in PI to offer advice to an OP when replying to a thread and are also asked not to engage in general discussion on a thread.

Thanks

HS

JustAThought · 31-07-2020 9:34pm

OP - your
user name says it all.

There comes a time when mental
health is
more important than ither goals. Rent a decent double room ensuite in a shared place and even if
it takes you a year linger to save you will have your life Nd peace back. Some things are just not worth it. And there are plenty of savings strategies that can make a difference - easier nnoe
that we are in covid lockdown - that can help bridge the gap between what you woild have saved and an outlay in rent and bills and year deferrment.
You will be doing it sooner or later - just do
it sooner, while you still have your mental health and it has not permanently poisoned your relationship with your paRents and ruined your own mental health and positive outlook. Your brother may be angry and ill and your parents taking an oldfashioned way to help him, but your life has not been entirely ruined by it all yet - get put while you still can.

lainey_d_123 · 01-08-2020 10:44am

antix80 wrote: »

Help! I need an ambulance. It's my brother.. he's sitting in his room with no friends, no job and no social life, and he's just thrown his playstation controller.

+1. The advice on here is honestly laughable. People with absolutely no experience of a mentally ill family member thinking he can get carted off by the 'authorities' or that an ambulance should be called.

I'm in the same sad situation, OP, and there is very little you can do other than protect yourself. My parents enabled my brother's poor behaviour for years, and now they're in the same situation as yours. Grown adult son in his thirties living at home, dictating their whole lives. He doesn't appreciate it a jot. In fact he yells at my parents on a daily basis and blames them for ruining his life, when they've done nothing but help him and finance him, while leaving my sister and I to fend for ourselves. I haven't a doubt in my mind that all the enabling and coddling is exactly what's caused him to get this bad but they all refuse to see it.

My brother actually was sectioned once when he became violent and aggressive with friends, who ended up calling the guards, and all that happened was he was locked away for 6 weeks and then went back to my parents even more angry and aggressive. Do people not realise that this is what happens? Calling the authorities doesn't just get rid of someone or magically make them change. Sectioning someone isn't a way to teach them some kind of 'lesson'.

OP, just look after yourself. There is no other way. You're well into your thirties, living at home is a privilege for you just as much as it is for him. Most people your age are renting privately while trying to save for a house, that's just how it is. Being able to save faster is nice but it is not worth the stress. Even a cheap, crappy box room in a house share would be better than the current situation, once the housemates were sound enough, or kept to themselves. You can remove yourself from this situation entirely - why would you not?

[Deleted User] · 01-08-2020 10:52am

OP you need to leave and get on with your own life. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our family. Nothing is going to change at home. If it means you have to rent all your life then so be it. It's really that simple.

Hannibal_Smith · 01-08-2020 12:18pm

Mod Note

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'any advice given should be mature, constructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not'.

If you disagree with advice given and would like to counter it, it's possible to do so without ridiculing the advice of other posters or posts. Please bear this in mind going forward

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HS

Mentally ill brother destroying family

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