Feeling like a terrible person and completely lost

Hi all,

I'll try keep this brief, basically i'm feeling like a terrible person. I'm racked with guilt, shame and disappointment in myself. I've always tried to be a decent person but just am feeling like my life has spiralled. I'm a female in my 30s living away from my home country. Over the past couple of years i've had bad anxiety, depression and just feelings of being lost. I am normally quite good at picking myself up again but just couldn't manage it. I was prescribed citalopram. I went through a phase where I was drinking far too much. I had a night out with a friend when I very first started taking citaloptram. It was just casual dinner and drinks but long story short ended up in hospital. I went from being fine to out of it. My friend who was seemingly okay got us an Uber and dropped me off at the complete wrong suburb. I ended up unconscious face down in someones garden. She had taken off. I hIad access to gift cards in my job and I used these to pay for some facial treatments I needed for my injuries and some other things. I was struggling financally more than I have every in my life. I had started replacing these but my role was made redundant. I will find a way to replace these one way or another but just feel racked with guilt. I have taken drugs probably four times over the past couple of years which is out of character for me. I dabbled lightly as a teenager and had a couple(like literally 2) blips in my 20s. As hypocritical as this might sound I’ve always been quite anti-drugs and always hate myself after I’ve done something like this. My brother was heavily involved in drugs dealing and taking and got our young sister involved too. He came to the country I’m living in to get away from that lifestyle. I borrowed money for his flights here, I put him up for a month. I paid for everything, took him on trips, gave him my car, helped him get clothes for work. He is doing quite well now but I feel like he forgets I was so good to him. He speaks to me terribly sometimes. He gave me such a hard time about being a bit of a mess. I spoke up for him when he was assaulted and he called me a psycho and told me not to get involved. He then blocked me on Facebook. I lend him money all the time and he quite often delays paying me back and then gives me so much grief when I chase him up for it. I met his best friend recently and he didn’t even know I existed or that he had another sister in the same country. But he knows about my youngest sibling who just arrived a few short months ago. My brother has introduced her to drugs aswell from a young age and there’s nothing I can do about it. They used to listen to me, we used to be close but I just feel distant from them now. They can’t even have drinks on a work night in the house without getting a bag of something and have just bonded over this party lifestyle. My sisters bf told me he respected me because I don’t get involved with that stuff. But it just made me feel like a fraud in light of recent behaviour and I actually feel like I’ve let them down. I’ve always been there for them but they just don’t treat me with respect and we rarely spend time together anymore. It just makes me feel ****ty about myself. I just feel so ashamed and guilty over my behaviour over the past couple of years and feel like I’ve let myself and my family down. I don’t know how to fix it. Everything is just a mess.