How can i be happy for others?

Hi Op,

That's one stream of consciousness you have written - well done for letting it all out.

Can I just highlight all the 'catastrophic thinking' going on here
- I can't talk to anyone.
- it's not going to happen for me
- My birthday is coming up. Another year spent alone.
- it's all supposed to be fine because I have a career
etc...

I'm not going to plámás you because I'm single and hear all those catchphrases all as well!

I get you are pissed off with life, yes, so that means you've got 'fire in your belly'.

A change is only going happen if you do something about it.

If you accept this premise, then it's game on.

You've a career, so I take it you're well used to planning things and getting results.

You want to settle down and unless you want to mix work and pleasure then realistically you're talking about making the most of the (probably little) spare time you have to make this happen.

What do you do with your spare time? Are you using this time to maximise your chances of meeting someone or going it alone?

And look, this Corona-time has everything frozen in motion so go easy on yourself at the moment. Every single person in the same boat so use the time to plan for September onwards when people won't need to stay 2 metres apart!

Hi OP.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

I am sure you are not being nasty to people etc. So its ok to feel a bit knocked at people doing well at something you want. Just don't dwell on it for your own sake.


Yes its true you might not meet someone.

Its not about being deserving ..its a lottery. People who are not deserving of anyone have someone. People who don't deserve children have them. Its really a lottery and you can't control that. You have to accept it. Just play it once and a while.


Also don't let this time go to waste. Do something useful with this time. Use it wisely.

I mean waiting for something that may or might not happen etc.

I don't know how to counsel you on the emotional turmoil of being unfulfilled maternally. But for now at least you need to find somewhere to put that energy that makes you feel better.

Also up for the match made a good point ....corona virus has thrown us for a loop. We are all bound to be more emotional right now.

You don't have to be happy for others. You have to be happy for YOURSELF. In your life.

I really do hope your dreams come true though. I believe they can xxxx

Shake the bitterness, the world owes you nothing. Good things dont always come to those who wait. Maybe you'll never meet someone and you'll never have kids, many people don't, but you need to try and accept your circumstances and take it from there.

Hi OP, sorry that your feeling so low. It's a horrible feeling when you are not satisfied with your life and the things you desperately long for seem to only happen to other people. I know it's infuriating hearing all the "chin up, it will be fine" type advice but I think the crux of it is, nothing good will come your way when your unhappy and resentful. You want a partner, family, your own place because you feel those things will make you happy but the irony is you need to find fulfilment in what you already have before those things become possible.

That might sound a bit esoteric but it isn't really. If your unhappy your likely focusing on the negative in every situation and that reinforces your idea that nothing good happens to you. When you could be trying to look on the bright side, then you'd be more inclined to see positives and opportunities in your situation. You need to improve your outlook. Easier said than done I know, but its within your control to change how you choose to see things.

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you but maybe it's time to accept that you might not meet somebody. That is a bitter pill to swallow but maybe it's time to downgrade the ambition to something that'd be lovely if it happens. If you're trying hard to meet men out there, maybe you're scaring them off? They can sense the desperation. Do you view the men in your mixed gender clubs through the prism of whether they are or aren't available? If you haven't done so already, maybe it'd still be worth becoming friends with them. Many people still meet their partners through friends. Even the men who are taken have single friends and who knows...?

The other thing I noticed is your reference to your current living arrangements. I get the impression that your job may not be paid that well. Is there anything you can do about that? Upskill? Move location? It's easy to get angry that you're still single and childless and living in a box room somewhere. It's harder to put a plan in place. Maybe you could do with talking to a career guidance coach?

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Shake the bitterness, the world owes you nothing. Good things dont always come to those who wait. Maybe you'll never meet someone and you'll never have kids, many people don't, but you need to try and accept your circumstances and take it from there.

Bit harsh no? Some positive advice might be more helpful to this person than a doomsday scenario. And what does one do to “take it from there”?

Op I think it’s helpful to break down your situation in individual problems/issues. Taking them altogether is overwhelming and you might be better off focusing one one thing you can change right now than trying to resolve everything together. Take for example your living situation, are you totally dependent on living where you are? And I mean the town/city you are living in. I’m sure there are more affordable options out there but ones which probably come with a bit of a compromise. If you want your own place there are ways to make that happen,it might mean moving to a quieter more rural area but is it something you might consider. Are you tied to your current location for work?

As regards relationships, what efforts have you made up to now to meet someone? Would you describe yourself as passive in terms of engaging with others and making an effort? Are you open to meeting different types of men/women or are your standards getting in the way a bit?

There was a really good point made about meeting a partner. The vast majority of couples I know met through mutal friends.
Rather than dismiss the men you don't particularly fancy and throw yourself at the ones you do, try to make friends with people of both sexes. All those people have brothers/ cousins/in-laws / friends etc that might be your match.
Make friends. Widen your circle .
And don't throw yourself at men , because they actually won't respond in the way you want.
My 2 cents. Peace out

Op a life with kids isn't better or worse ..its different.

Women WITH kids can feel alone unfulfilled and look at us with envy.

Don't go chasing it without feeling happy first.

Get a new focus for your life. A new dream.

Batgurl wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire previous post. It just clogs up the thread with duplicate text and makes navigation cumbersome for users on the touch site.

Also just to add here...
Anytime I have found myself comparing myself to anyone who I perceive as more successful, accomplished etc etc I stop and ask myself : why am I not comparing myself to the friend who I perceive has less luck or achievements than me?

I feel for you, OP, and I think some posters have been very unfair and harsh. It's not about being 'owed' anything, but the reality is that MOST women do settle down and have kids, so it's easy to think 'what's wrong with me?' if it doesn't happen for you.

What I've learned over the past few years is that so many people in marriages and relationships are absolutely miserable. I see pictures on Instagram of happy families and feel so jealous, but then I talk to the person and it turns out their partner has cheated, they have fights every day, they never have sex anymore, they can't stand each other. So many relationships which look happy from the outside are absolute shams. That's not to say they ALL are, but the grass is not always greener.

As a single person you might feel like you're at the bottom of the pile, but you're not. Think of it like this - the happy couples are at the top, the miserable couples are at the bottom, and you're somewhere in the middle. No, you haven't got your fairytale romance, but you're also not stuck in a marriage and a mortgage with someone you can't stand. You have choices and options. You could meet someone tomorrow and start a life with them. The person in the unhappy relationship has to untangle their life and may never be free of it if they have kids with someone they no longer love or even like. That person would look at you with envy, thinking you have so much freedom they don't.

I would recommend going to therapy to get to know yourself better and understand what you're looking for, but the end goal here is to be happy on your own. A lot of relationships really are down to dumb luck. Timing and a million other things that have to come together. You could most likely find someone to marry if that's your ultimate goal, to have a ring on your finger, but would you want to do that, for the sake of it?