The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

25-07-2011 1:41pm

paddy and mick are walking through a forest, when paddy sees a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted"

Paddy turns to mick and says "jaysus, if only sean was here we could have applied for that"

housetypeb · 25-07-2011 2:09pm

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its cock.

patmac · 25-07-2011 4:14pm

housetypeb wrote: »

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its cock.

If that's the best joke you've ever heard then you need help.

johnnysmack · 25-07-2011 5:28pm

housetypeb wrote: »

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its cock.

Your a sick puppy.....Boom!! that ones on the house folks!

Blisterman · 25-07-2011 5:53pm

Reminds me of this joke:

How do you circumcise a dog?

Sandpaper trousers.

Victor_M · 26-07-2011 10:05am

Knock knock.........

Who's there?

Doorbell repair man!

Little Acorn · 26-07-2011 10:21am

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

kfallon · 26-07-2011 10:22am

Victor_M wrote: »

Knock knock.........

Who's there?

Doorbell repair man!

So bad I laughed!

HeisenbergBB · 26-07-2011 10:33am

Knock Knock..

Who's There..

The Police. Your husband has died in a car crash.

A guy walks into a bar..

He get's really drunk and goes home and beats his wife

dilallio · 26-07-2011 11:53am

A man was rushed to hospital last night after a sex game went awfully wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses up his arse.

His condition is described as stable

lizardhunt · 28-07-2011 8:02am

What’s the first thing you should do if you find a baby in a microwave?

Stop masturbating

Jumpy · 28-07-2011 8:35am

Mick went into a bar after work DESPERATE for a drink, now this wasnt his usual, it was one he had never been in before.
"Christ" he says to himself, "This is one fancy joint" while looking at the fellow playing the Grande Piano in the corner and plonking himself on a cushioned stool next to the marble topped bar.
"One Pint please Barman!" he shouts.
"Coming right up" the Barman announces and places a cold one on the bar top.

The instant the pint glass touches the bar, a small monkey jumps out of the open piano, climbs down the leg runs across the plush carpet and leaps onto the bar.

"WHAT THE SHUDDERING F*CK!" Mick shouts as the monkey sticks his arse in the pint and wiggles his butt around all the while starting intently at Mick.
This goes on for about five seconds before the monkey bolts back across the floor and dives back into the piano.

"No damn way I am drinking that!" says Mick to the Barman.
"Cant say I blame you" the Barman replies and pours Mick another pint.

The instant it touches the bar the monkey is back out of the piano, down the leg, runs across the floor, climbs the bar and jiggles his tiny arse in the pint again, all the while staring at Mick like some sort of weird pervert.

"FOR F*CKS SAKE!" exclaims Mick as the monkey legs it back into the piano. "Barman I cant drink this, another one please"
"Sure thing" and the Barman places another pint down.

Now the instant it touches the bar, the monkey leaps out, climbs down the table leg, shimmies across the floor, up onto the bar and really sloshes the pint around with his arse, all the while locking his eyes on Micks.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" announces Mick as he storms across the carpet to the pianist.

"Mate..." he says to the pianist
"Yes, can I help you sir?" the pianist replies

"Do you know, every time I order a pint, a God damn tiny monkey jumps out of your piano, climbs down the leg of it, runs across the floor here and wiggles his arse in my pint. All the while staring at me like some FREAK?" Mick shouts.

The pianist stares at him oddly "Erm ... no I dont think so Sir, but if you hum a few bars I might remember it"

Guill · 28-07-2011 9:40am

A man walk into a butcher and asks for 8 legs of venison, the butcher looks at him and says "Sir, thats too dear".

Anyone seen my coat, i left it here somewhere.

--Kaiser-- · 28-07-2011 9:56am

^^^
Related jokes

4 word joke
"Venison's dear isn't it?"

3 word joke
"Stationary shops moves"

2 word joke
"Dwarf shortage"

Tarkus · 28-07-2011 8:40pm

An old guy walks into a pub and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

RichieC · 28-07-2011 8:43pm

Why does Mr Tayto have a phone?

In case Johnny onion rings.

admiralofthefleet · 28-07-2011 9:00pm

HeisenbergBB wrote: »

Knock Knock..

Who's There..

The Police. Your husband has died in a car crash.

A guy walks into a bar..

He get's really drunk and goes home and beats his wife

i love anti-jokes

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear

29-07-2011 12:57pm

What is the best form of contraception for old people..

Nudity

smallerthanyou · 29-07-2011 1:24pm

I might have posted this before but anyway:

How do you tell a blind man in a nudist camp?

It's not hard....

whiteknucles · 29-07-2011 1:26pm

Give us a clue...?

Monkey face · 29-07-2011 1:36pm

Why did the feminist cross the road........

To suck my mutha f**ckin dick!

InquiringMind · 29-07-2011 1:43pm

Got this on my phone the other day...

What do we want!

A cure for Touretts!

When do we want it!

Cúnts!

keano_afc · 29-07-2011 1:52pm

whiteknucles wrote: »

Give us a clue...?

Now THATS funny.

Paddy Samurai · 30-07-2011 12:25am

Mrs Murphy is walking home when she spots little Jimmy on his doorstep crying.

"Jimmy whats wrong with ya ,why you cryin?" says Mrs Murphy

"Its me da " cry's Jimmy " I just found out ...............he's dead!."

"Thats terrible!." says Mrs Murphy "Will I get you a priest?."

Jimmy "Thanks very much Mrs Murphy............ honestly, but sex is the last thing on my mind."

SarahBeep! · 30-07-2011 2:21am

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side amputated?

He's alright now!

Tarkus · 30-07-2011 4:41pm

My wife came into the kitchen one morning & over breakfast, asked me why we don't make love like in the movies.

So I bent her over the table, smacked her on the ass as I pulled her hair while I slammed her from behind. Then I pulled out, spun her around & came all over her tits.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies....

************************************************** ************************************************** ****************

Joe was sitting with his wife one night watching TV, He kept switching back & forth between the fishing channel & a porn channel. This went on for about 20 minutes till finally his wife blurted out:

Damn it

Just leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish.

TiGeR KiNgS · 01-08-2011 1:58pm

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"

"But I don't have a..."

pebbles21 · 01-08-2011 7:05pm

Billy, age 6, was watching tv. He comes downstairs & asks, "Dad what's love juice?"

His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a woman's vagina gets wet.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So what were you watching?"

Billy replies, "Wimbledon!"

loremolis · 01-08-2011 10:37pm

Dear Deidre.
I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was ****, I turned to notice my wife just standing there,
arms folded...watching me.
Is she a pervert?

Dolph Starbeam · 01-08-2011 10:48pm

Deleted User wrote: »

People have stopped talking to me because I recite jokes from this thread on an almost continuous basis.

I hope you're all happy.

Same here, sometime after I started reading jokes on here this page below was created

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments