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Reaching out to ex during covid
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19-10-2020 1:49pm#1Me and my ex broke up at the start of this year. I was the dumper because I had too much going on in my life with personal and work issues but thankfully that's all behind me now. I'd like to try get back together with her again now that my head is free from all that clutter. We're on friendly terms and message each other every now and then but I don't think she knows that I still have feelings for her. I don't even know how she feels about me now.
Is it stupid to bring this up with her now? She lives in a different county so I can't even meet up with her with the restrictions. For all I know it could be months before any sort of normality comes back. I know she's single right now but I'm worried if I leave it too long she'll find someone else. On the other hand if we try to get back together now it might end up being a damp squib because we can't really meet or do anything a normal couple would do and it wouldn't get the chance it deserves.
I have been thinking about her a lot lately and find it hard to find interest in any girls I've been speaking to on Tinder or Bumble. I thought about telling her how I feel and then say that when things get back to normal we should try dating again but then again it would be unfair to leave her waiting all that time. And of course this is all depending on her being interested.
I think what I'm asking is is now the right time to be dating or is it better to wait until things with covid improve?0
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turnitaround wrote: »Me and my ex broke up at the start of this year. I was the dumper because I had too much going on in my life with personal and work issues but thankfully that's all behind me now. I'd like to try get back together with her again now that my head is free from all that clutter. We're on friendly terms and message each other every now and then but I don't think she knows that I still have feelings for her. I don't even know how she feels about me now.
Is it stupid to bring this up with her now? She lives in a different county so I can't even meet up with her with the restrictions. For all I know it could be months before any sort of normality comes back. I know she's single right now but I'm worried if I leave it too long she'll find someone else. On the other hand if we try to get back together now it might end up being a damp squib because we can't really meet or do anything a normal couple would do and it wouldn't get the chance it deserves.
I have been thinking about her a lot lately and find it hard to find interest in any girls I've been speaking to on Tinder or Bumble. I thought about telling her how I feel and then say that when things get back to normal we should try dating again but then again it would be unfair to leave her waiting all that time. And of course this is all depending on her being interested.
I think what I'm asking is is now the right time to be dating or is it better to wait until things with covid improve?
Honestly I'd leave the girl alone. Aside from the fact that the relationship will be revived on a long distance basis(as you say yourself it could be months before you even get to meet), it just sounds like you're getting "grass is greener" syndrome since your online dating experience has been grim.
If she was honestly the love of your life you'd hardly have dumped her when you were going through a rough time? I had a similarly rough time recently with some bad news regarding my fathers health and personally due to this whole covid situation. The furthest thing from my mind was dumping my lovely supportive girlfriend. That would have completely crushed me.
From her side as well what assurances can you give her that you won't simply exit stage left when things get tough again? As things can and surely do. Can you really promise that?
All this to say OP I'm not saying you're a bad person but you don't seem ready for a relationship just yet if you're swiping around on the apps romanticising your ex gf at the same time. Either with any of the girls on the apps nor with your ex gf.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »I think what I'm asking is is now the right time to be dating or is it better to wait until things with covid improve?
If you really want to know how you feel for someone look at what you are doing for them not what you are thinking or saying.
When your life was busy ...the other things in life were what you put first.
That means something. It speaks to your true feelings.
Life will get busy again.
Love is a doing word.0 -
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Leave it alone I think.
Life throws all sorts of crap at us. Bereavement, health issues, money worries, family issues, job issues, and with the right person, it's a relief to have someone to lean on, rather than someone who's only another irritant in a stressful period.
If I were the dumped one and you came at me with that reason for dumping, I'd be thinking "ok, the next time life gets tough he'll piss off again, why put my emotions on the line for that?"
You would need to explain why that wouldn't happen again. Can you?0 -
I can see how I come across as a bad guy in this scenario.
I didn't think we were dating long enough to dump all of my issues on her. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. I was working in a job where I would be working until 9 or 10 in the evening and weekends. It was soul crushing. This was paired with family issues that was draining me mentally. I wasn't in a good place.
But I've since changed jobs and the family problem has been solved and will thankfully never crop up again. And I don't want to get into the specifics of it but trust me that it was once in a lifetime thing.
I had no plan to start dating again but when my work and personal problems worked out covid struck so that put it on the back burner. That's why I was only chatting to girls on Tinder and Bumble. I wasn't planning on meeting them and I had told them that. I think I missed some social contact. It was nothing to do with the grass being greener. My ex always had the spotlight in my mind.
I've been thinking about her almost every day since we broke up but was waiting for the right time to talk to her. After this weeks government announcement I'm not sure if there'll ever be a right time and thats why I thought I should just say it now as its been eating me up inside.
Maybe thats selfish of me.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »I was the dumper because I had too much going on in my life with personal and work issues but thankfully that's all behind me now. I'd like to try get back together with her again now that my head is free from all that clutter. We're on friendly terms and message each other every now and then but I don't think she knows that I still have feelings for her. I don't even know how she feels about me now.
This isn't how life works and your ex deserves better than this. It reads like you're talking about a commodity or something, life got busy so put the house buying on hold, things cleared up so ready to resume again. This is a human, an adult relationship we're talking about. Please don't allow yourself to mess with another person's life like this.
So you're having a sh1tshow on tinder, welcome to single life. That's not your ex's problem to resolve, and all going well she will meet someone lovely who appreciates her at some stage. All terrible reasons to try to stake a claim on her again, when you're not even sure what it is you're offering.
Sorry OP, I'm sure your intentions aren't terrible, but she deserves much better than this. Leave well enough alone.
ETA read your latest post. You'd do well to learn how to communicate effectively. Breaking up with someone implies you don't feel the way about them that you're now pleading you do. That's the message any dumpee will get when receiving the news. Trying to get back together a few months later screams "couldn't do better, crawling back for seconds."Stopping and starting is something you can do with things, not with people and healthy relationships. And life changing events are things that you navigate together as a couple, not grenades that blow you apart until the path is clear to be together again based on your feelings alone.0 -
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I'm going to go slightly against the grain on this one.
You handled the situation badly but I can understand that if you weren't together long and there were a lot of other issues in the background etc., it might have resulted in you calling it wrongly.
The main thing if you are certain you could handle things differently again and communicate rather than cut & run when things get tough.
It's a pet peave of mine when people tell me they didn't want to dump their issues on me etc. I'll decide what I can and can't handle, please don't do it for me. Similarly, you didn't even discuss it with your girlfriend, she could have been a support, instead you just dumped her. She didn't get a choice.
If you're sure it's not just covid induced loneliness, are certain you would handle things differently then perhaps It's worth mentioning it to her,together with a sincere apology for how you handled things.
It probably won't be well received but if there's a chance at all why not take it. People mess up all the time, some are worth forgiving.
Better to regret the things you do, than the things you didn't do.0 -
As others have said, it depends on your motives. Do you miss her or just having someone that you were relaxed with?
If its her that you miss then you should get in touch and at least be calling her to have longer chats on the phone that just a few text messages. If she doesnt know the reasons why you dumped her then you need to tell her. As in give her the context that you made that decision like you have given here.
If you really were not in a good headspace at the time then people can understand that but you have to be sure that you aren't just going to go for a while then you are back in the same spot again. She doesn't deserve that and that would really wreck her head badly. This is based on if she wants to get back together of course but she must still like you on some level if there are lines of communication still open. I'm sure I and people here would have told her not to message you at all if she was posting here after the breakup!
So really it would be time for you to reflect on what you truly want and the future with her if ye got back together. Then if you still want to get back with her I would say go for it. An honest discussion on the phone or facetime would be the way to go but you would have to be prepared that she might just see you as a friend now only too. Even if ye just agree to talk more during lockdown and then when its over ye can meet up and get a bit more serious.0 -
OP i have an idea that might help you understand your true feelings.
Saying sweet things on skype especially during a six week lockdown ..is going to be easy. And sure SHE might enjoy it too ..and it might all be words from her end too. I see a lot of relationships like that. Where BOTH parties know its not real. But they just enjoy it.
But what ACTION are you going to take to be with this girl?
Its not about what people say they feel its how they show it.0 -
I really thought I was doing the right thing by ending it. It was really hard to develop a proper relationship where we could just pop over to each others place and relax for the evening or go out for dinner and a few drinks at the weekend. I'm not saying that that's all a relationship is about, but I wasn't going to build something with her on rocky foundations. I just didn't want to be around anyone at that time, not even people I cared about.
You might be doubting my motives but all I can say is that I have been thinking about her almost every day since we broke up. These aren't fleeting thoughts because of lockdown.
Someone asked what action I'm going to take. There's little action I can take right now besides talking to her and telling her how I feel. If I could go to her, I would.
I know you are all trying to help but I know where my feelings are right now and it's not an issue of should I reach out to her. I know what I want to do but I don't know when or how to do it. I want to make it work but am worried my timing is way off.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »
I didn't think we were dating long enough to dump all of my issues on her. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.
Would you stop, not sure if you're trying to fool us or yourself with this rubbish. If you're mad about someone you find time for them regardless of how busy your life is.
Covid has been extremely hard on single people, and I'm sure plenty are dwelling on past relationships a bit more than they would if their lives were more occupied with normal stuff. But importantly that doesn't mitigate that most relationships that fail fail for good reason and to get back together with this girl you tossed aside wouldn't be fair on her. Chances are the real reasons for you ending it will surface again and she will probably end up heartbroken all over again.0 -
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OP honestly all that’s happening here is that you’re having no luck on the dating apps and your loneliness is causing you to reach out to the last person you liked who liked you back. The rest I just see as waffle you’re convincing yourself of after the fact to try and justify what you want to do. As someone already said, when something is right, being with a partner is an asset not a hassle through tough times.
‘Best’ case scenario: you get back together, you’re happy for a while because your loneliness issue is solved, she’s happy because the rejection is reversed...then after a short while you run back into the reason you broke up and go back through it all over again. The actual best case scenario is if she’s emotionally intelligent enough to see all of that ahead of time and avoids it for the pair of you. Or you can just spare both of yourselves that and acknowledge that, if Tinder was going better and you clicked with someone, you wouldn’t be here posting about this person to begin with, so it’s unfair to try and get her to undo the hurt caused by you breaking up with her. Leave it.0 -
Don't do it. Women aren't stupid bro. There's been umpteen articles written about exes reaching out during lockdown. She'll see through you so quickly and will not be impressed. And she may in fact take great satisfaction in telling you your services are no longer required.
I mean that's what I would do.
Let her move on and next time don't mess it up when you meet someone nice.0 -
Can you please stop judging me. You have no idea what I was going through and have no right to tell me I'm just lonely during lockdown. I know exactly how I'm feeling. Just because someone wants to reach out to an ex and it happens to be during covid doesn't automatically mean that they're "having no luck on the dating apps and your loneliness is causing you to reach out to the last person you liked who liked you back".
I don't know why I'm getting such negativity. Some of you seem to be getting a kick out of it too by saying "And she may in fact take great satisfaction in telling you your services are no longer required. I mean that's what I would do." I wasn't even asking about whether I should reach out to her. I was asking how I should do it.
I'd appreciate some advice on how to reach out to her, not if I should. Thank you.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »Can you please stop judging me. You have no idea what I was going through and have no right to tell me I'm just lonely during lockdown. I know exactly how I'm feeling. Just because someone wants to reach out to an ex and it happens to be during covid doesn't automatically mean that they're "having no luck on the dating apps and your loneliness is causing you to reach out to the last person you liked who liked you back".
I don't know why I'm getting such negativity. Some of you seem to be getting a kick out of it too by saying "And she may in fact take great satisfaction in telling you your services are no longer required. I mean that's what I would do." I wasn't even asking about whether I should reach out to her. I was asking how I should do it.
I'd appreciate some advice on how to reach out to her, not if I should. Thank you.
I'm not doubting your motives but look at it from her point of view. She got dumped, she's moved on and now you want to contact her again with no real idea of when you can meet? It sounds a bit dubious. I think you should leave her alone. Lockdown is tough and has messed with a lot of our minds. Not having any distractions doesn't help.
Ask yourself this: would you be thinking about contacting her again if we weren't in this situation?0 -
Sorry if you feel you’re getting a tough time OP but most of the advice you’ve been given here is solid.
You asked would it be selfish to reach out to her & the answer is most definitely ‘Yes’!
The way you described the reasons you broke up comes across as ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ but this is rarely ever true. If you’re really honest with yourself you’ll acknowledge there were very good reasons why you no longer wanted to be with this girl.
Leave her alone & move on. It’s the right thing to do for you both.0 -
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turnitaround wrote: »I'd appreciate some advice on how to reach out to her, not if I should. Thank you.
Ok well I think you probably need to lay it out for her honestly. Maybe a text might be the best way?
Tell her your reasons for breaking up with her, tell her what you were facing at the time, and explain what's changed now. Tell her you've thought about her constantly since then, and would she be willing to try again. Give her time to think about it, and if she decides not to take you up on it, be gracious and thank her for taking the time to listen to you and wish her well.
That's all you can do really.0 -
There's a lot of "I want" and "I feel"s in your posts. That's what people are picking up on. This is all entirely about you and your feelings and your needs and not about her point of view.
With respect OP, you dumped her. Have you been dumped before? Do you understand how painful that is? Someone you care about / love doesn't let you support them and shuts you out of their life. It's rejection. Coupled with staying in touch, which means the rejection stays in your mind for months to follow. And then there's the cliched ex-got-back-in-touch-during-Covid memes knocking around, because we're living in a time when dating apps are a sh1tfest and no-one has any real chance of meeting anyone new. And your ex gets back in touch wanting another chance. What do you think?
Most people in her position wouldn't trust you. Why would they?
You're looking for some advice on what to say when you inevitably reach out asking for a second chance though so here's some: apologise. Tell her the exact reasons why you ended things and apologise for not communicating effectively like an adult with her at the time. Apologise for not thinking about her wants and her needs. Tell her it was a mistake, and you understand now how shutting her out was a self-destructive move on your part. And that you've probably lost the chance of having her in her life again, compounded by the lockdown complications, but if she'd be open to chatting a bit with the goal of maybe meeting for a coffee when this mess is over, you'd really value that.0 -
With respect OP it was your own words that say this. You said that you were having no luck on the dating apps and that got you thinking about your ex. It's hardly surprising that people would put 1 + 1 together and reach 2.turnitaround wrote: »Can you please stop judging me. You have no idea what I was going through and have no right to tell me I'm just lonely during lockdown. I know exactly how I'm feeling. Just because someone wants to reach out to an ex and it happens to be during covid doesn't automatically mean that they're "having no luck on the dating apps and your loneliness is causing you to reach out to the last person you liked who liked you back".
Suppose you were having luck on the apps. And you'd met some absolute cracker on Tinder and things were going peachy? Would you still be on here moping around and romanticising your ex? I'm not trying to be abusive here. Genuinely think about that and be honest with yourself.
Again with respect OP I think you're conflating "being negative" with being given advice you don't agree with or want to hear. Again be honest with yourself here.I don't know why I'm getting such negativity. Some of you seem to be getting a kick out of it too by saying "And she may in fact take great satisfaction in telling you your services are no longer required. I mean that's what I would do." I wasn't even asking about whether I should reach out to her. I was asking how I should do it.
I'd appreciate some advice on how to reach out to her, not if I should. Thank you.
You don't have ability to constrain the advice others are giving you. I could ask the Health forums how best to remove my own teeth with a motorbike and string but I've no right to moan if I'm resoundly told to go to the dentist.
To reiterate: You're likely not a bad person. But getting back with this girl is a bad idea. Both from your own and her perspective. You can't promise life won't get in the way again(and it will, no matter what you say) and if you had even an inkling she was your future wife in the making you'd never have cut her off IMO.
My actual advice here is to take some time away from the apps and away from contact with her. It's clouding your judgement and you'll only end up wasting both hers and your own time.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »You have no idea what I was going through .
Spare us the Aoife McGregor routine.
You cant open a thread and expect everyone to vindicate you that it's okay to get back with this girl, most clearly think you're not considering her feelings. I think you're going to do this anyway because from your reactions here you seem to have a hard time taking accountability for your actions and their effects on others. As others have said hopefully she has the confidence to see this for what it is and you haven't broken that in her too.0 -
I have done enough reflection over the past 8 months or so to know that this isn't a fleeting thing. I can see I'm not going to convince any of you that my feelings are genuine, no matter what I say.
It's probably pointless trying to get advice on my problem without the rest of the scenario clouding it.
Thanks to those of you who replied.0 -
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I think you should go for it but be totally honest with her. I don't think there is ever a right time so I think you just have to sieze the moment.
She can then decide what she want's to do. And then you will finally know.
Btw I do think you do genuinely like the girl so go for it. I wish you well.0 -
I was in no way getting a kick out of anything, not sure what I wrote would suggest that. I was preparing you for a possible (imo likely) scenario. If you were prepared for that scenario already then I'm sorry but you getting so offended at the notion of her telling you to foxtrot oscar suggests otherwise.
I guess you think a relationship with a girl you dumped will be clear sailing, she'll take you back with open arms and it will never be mentioned again? Okay. Sure we all know plenty of happy couples where one of them have been dumped by their partner and yet still went on to live happily ever after.
Just because you asked how to do it doesn't mean being advised not to do it at all is off limits. I stand by my advice but you seem to only want advice you agree with.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »I'd appreciate some advice on how to reach out to her, not if I should. Thank you.
I think you should just do it as you seem to genuinely like her and are in a good place now. With the lockdown just being put into full effect, I think a frank and honest phone call is the way to go. Simple as that. Cards on the table time. Maybe arrange a time where she knows that you intend to have a long call like a saturday or sunday afternoon. Say you really want to have a good catch up so then there are no things like work calls or getting too late to talk.
Then its up to you to explain things and see how she feels about it all!0 -
Don't do it OP.
Once bitten twice shy.
I doubt she is in to you anymore after you dumped her.
Plenty more fish in the sea. Look on the bright side, you will only be traipsing over old and trodden ground. There was something insipidly boring and uninteresting about her that made you lose her before. I get that you are craving her now, but that happens, especially when you have not replaced her with someone else.
As complex as they seem women are simple creatures deep down. When they get dumped they don't forgive easy. Long term she will always either, not trust you, or even be trying to get you back for hurting her feelings. Not good for either of you.
You don't need that.0 -
But you’re not reaching out to her OP, you’re trying to pull her back in after you pushed her away.
I get the sense that you’re going to try to pull her back in no matter what anyone says to you. Do not do this unless you are100% sure that you aren’t going to push her away again. That would be incredibly unfair - and I can tell you that hurts even worse the 2nd time around.
If you insist on your course of action, then nothing less than 100% honesty will do in explaining your actions in the past. And you’d better be really really sure that you’re doing this because you miss her (not because you miss someone, or online potential dating isn’t going how you thought it would) - and it would be very unfair of you to go in half-assed. You’re either offering a relationship (which she may reject), or you’re wasting your time and hers for the sake of a feel good pick me up.0 -
I had an ex only last week got in contact looking for a 2nd chance. He dumped me, broke my heart. When he was breaking up with me, one of the reasons were he found he didn't miss me, times when we couldn't see each other. Ouch. It took time, and another guy , to get over him.
Did I appreciate the text? I did and I didn't. He explained what was "going on in his head" At the time, and how now he sees that I was the only one who ever cared about him, that it was the worst decision in his life. Very apologetic. Luckily I'm not gullible, and reminded myself that yes I was in love with him, but if he really loved me he wouldnt have let me go. Those feelings all came back to me again, the ones when we broke up. I cried a little, but was over it after a few days.
He tried hard to convince me and tbh the more he did the more I was put off him, tho I never had interest in getting back, ever. He broke me heart!!
99% of people are saying don't do it. I don't see the harm, ONLY if u respest what she says and feels. It's not about u. It's about her, she was the one that got dumped, the ball is in her court and what ever she chooses, and her reasons, you gotta respect that.
Is now a good time to do it? Not really. Of course it looks like ur just bored now cause of what's going on.
Only u know if ur intentions are genuine, and are not just to fill a gap. This is another persons feelings your dealing with.
My ex text me, 12 am. Was not impressed. Please don't do it over text. Maybe send a text asking could u give her a call, that u want to explain what happened and would like to give it another go, but if she has moved now u respect that. If she says no. That's it there's your answer, leave her be and move on.0 -
No, leave it be. Love is a constant, it should not change no matter what else is going on in your life. The fact that you dumped her speaks volumes.
I’m a firm believer in the one strike rule. If you broke up with her before, it’ll be even easier next time. Let her get on with her life and find true happiness and love with someone else.0 -
turnitaround wrote: »Is it stupid to bring this up with her now?
Actually OP, this was the first question you asked. You came to an advice forum, made a post, asked for advice and got it. People are giving you reactions to the words you sat down and wrote based on their own experiences. You don’t get to dictate to them how they should feel either. If someone came on here talking about the best way to murder someone, people wouldn’t be wrong for saying “The best way is to not murder someone” because that’s the sane response to that question. We aren’t obligated to tell you that you’re right.
It’s your life though. If you want to go for this, nobody can stop you. But some people here feel that the situation you’ve described is selfish and unfair on your ex and will end in tears for both of you. They’re as entitled to say that as you are to ignore it.0 -
OP here again. Can I ask, is there ever a situation where it's okay to break up and get back together again? I may be wrong, but the general consensus here seems to be that once there's a split there's no way to recover.0
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turnitaround wrote: »OP here again. Can I ask, is there ever a situation where it's okay to break up and get back together again? I may be wrong, but the general consensus here seems to be that once there's a split there's no way to recover.
see, it seems you want to get some general answers to your questions and this answers should just be what you want to hear. It' s not how it works here. I think you got very solid, genuine advice here. Read it, let it sink in, but there's nobody here to tell you what to do, that's, thankfully, your very own decision.
Surely there are lots of cases where people broke up and got back together. but nobody can tell you here that's what will happen to you.
I think you should leave it be, the contact with your ex. Too much overthinking and obsessiveness from my point of view.0
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