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Feeling so much pressure and scrutiny
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14-09-2020 12:48pm#1I'll try keep this brief. Recently moved back to my small home town after being away. There is a guy who i've know for a few years. He knows the family etc, his parents know my family. We wouldn't be close or anything though.
Anyways last year I was home for a holiday and we ended up having a kiss. He has told me really likes me and was like i'll marry you some day type thing. I think I was straight enough not giving him false hope.
Anyways since i've come back I've had some drinks with him and stayed in his house twice. We kissed but nothing more. Probably a mistake on my part I know. I know it's probably not fair on him and trust me you've no idea how bad i'm feeling about myself. Last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just feel like a s***y person. Thing is he is saying things like my family love you etc and feel it's just snowballed very quickly.
He wants to have food and a movie during the week and i'm dreading having the conversation. But I know I probably need to let him down.
I have my mam even asking questions about what's happening with us. I'm just feeling completely overwhelmed to be honest. Like my every decision or move is being looked at.
I like hanging out with this guy I really do but don't see a future with him.
Along with this I feel like everything I do at this time is being talked about by my family, family friends etc and it's just not making me feel very good about myself. I had a glass of wine during the week and was asked how come I was drinking, am I not working tomorrow? It was one glass of red. Constant little things like this. Now this situation with the guy has just left me completely overwhelmed0
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OP you're going to get a lot of people talking about how you don't need to feel obligated to be with anyone, don't worry what anyone thinks, he'd rather know now etc...and that's all valid. But also I feel this is one thing that needs to be brought up:
Why did you go along with this to begin with?
Your language is very victimised, in that you feel pressured, overwhelmed, stressed, like all of this has been put upon you and you had no control of it. This lad was quite up front that he was very into you and saw it going the distance from the get-go, by your own account. You took this and chose to go along with it knowing how you felt. You can't honestly act like this is all some huge surprise that came out of nowhere and you're this unwitting victim. This is a situation you've created. Nobody else is responsible for it: your family is reacting to you actively dating this person, he's telling you how he feels and the situation is continuing uninterrupted so he's assuming you're same page.
The reality is that, if you're indulging him these thoughts and choosing not to put him straight because you're enjoying the benefits of the setup that suits you...then you're leading him on and using him. And I get that nobody ever thinks of themselves as doing that, but it's what the reality is once you're able to write what you've wrote on boards.ie about him and aren't telling him. And the feeling you're feeling isn't actually pressure or scrutiny from others, because as we've said your family or this guy didn't force this situation on you as you're a grown adult who went along with it, it's guilt because you know all of what I'm telling you. Which is a good thing! It shows you're not an awful person and can feel remorse when you do something wrong!
But now yes, you're correct, it's time to put him out of his misery. And choosing not to would only be another selfish decision. You could convince yourself it was out of consideration for his feelings, but it wouldn't be, because pretty much everyone would rather be told how you feel if they understood it and be allowed to find someone who actually liked them instead.0 -
OP you're going to get a lot of people talking about how you don't need to feel obligated to be with anyone, don't worry what anyone thinks, he'd rather know now etc...and that's all valid. But also I feel this is one thing that needs to be brought up:
Why did you go along with this to begin with?
Your language is very victimised, in that you feel pressured, overwhelmed, stressed, like all of this has been put upon you and you had no control of it. This lad was quite up front that he was very into you and saw it going the distance from the get-go, by your own account. You took this and chose to go along with it knowing how you felt. You can't honestly act like this is all some huge surprise that came out of nowhere and you're this unwitting victim. This is a situation you've created. Nobody else is responsible for it: your family is reacting to you actively dating this person, he's telling you how he feels and the situation is continuing uninterrupted so he's assuming you're same page.
The reality is that, if you're indulging him these thoughts and choosing not to put him straight because you're enjoying the benefits of the setup that suits you...then you're leading him on and using him. And I get that nobody ever thinks of themselves as doing that, but it's what the reality is once you're able to write what you've wrote on boards.ie about him and aren't telling him. And the feeling you're feeling isn't actually pressure or scrutiny from others, because as we've said your family or this guy didn't force this situation on you as you're a grown adult who went along with it, it's guilt because you know all of what I'm telling you. Which is a good thing! It shows you're not an awful person and can feel remorse when you do something wrong!
But now yes, you're correct, it's time to put him out of his misery. And choosing not to would only be another selfish decision. You could convince yourself it was out of consideration for his feelings, but it wouldn't be, because pretty much everyone would rather be told how you feel if they understood it and be allowed to find someone who actually liked them instead.
I wouldn't say we've been actively dating. I hung out at his house twice and watched some music videos and had some beers. He is a nice guy, I genuinely enjoy his company. I had been keeping my distance but then agreed to come over for drinks. Second time I was there, he had family there I hadn't met before so it was like a baptism of fire and I was being referred to as his "gf" by his aunts. Then he is messaging me yesterday telling me his family love me. I met them for 10 minutes. I probably should never agreed to hang out with him.
But anyways I went to the beach with a friend yesterday (he's gay). We've been friends for 10 years and got a message earlier saying "you don't seem that interested and I just seen your pics from yesterday, hope you had a good time, take care". So he clearly had an issue that I was out with this guy. He knew I was going and i've told him who I was going with and that he's gay.
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I think this is a wider problem of adjusting to being back home. I know because I can relate. I'm back home temporarily on an extension thanks to the virus/WFH capabilities, live in London normally.
In London I can potter around and date who I want, multi-date if I want, sleep with who I want and no-one gives a damn. I live alone, I make my own rules. It's London so the anonymity afforded is a part of my life there. I've as many single as attached friends of all ages, people are less tied to tradition.
Back in Ireland, if I go for a walk I'll probably meet three people who recognise me. If I meet a friend for coffee, someone will see it and the whole town will know. The postman had a good chat with me about my shopping order the last day, it's just different. People keep tabs on each other and people are a lot more traditional. So at a certain age, a date is weighted with more expectation.
I think you've probably come back with your life-abroad head on you and are just getting a bit of reverse culture-shock. You can't kiss a close family friend here and get on with your life, because now everyone knows and is waiting for the update. Things you do here can feel like they're a little more under the microscope because no-one looks or cares abroad. So it's time to develop some boundaries. "Yep, that's what I'm doing" and change the subject is a good choice of phrase with the nosiness. "How is that relevant?" or "why do you care so much about that?" are more handy statements. And with this lad, you're just going to have to be direct and honest, "I think you're great but I'm not comfortable with this pace at all."
And yeah, maybe kissing family friends is not advisable because it immediately comes with this pressure of expectation, so stick to lesser knowns lads from now on.0 -
Don't be too hard on yourself.
We've all had situations that snowballed out of proportion. In this case, I think he came on very strong, very quickly.
Yea, you probably shouldn't have gone to hang out at his house but that's done now.
You need to bite the bullet and be totally honest with him. Tell him you enjoyed his company but it seems ye both want 2 different things. You don't seem him as any more than a friend.
Tell him you'll see him round, no hard feelings and sorry if you gave mixed signs.
Do not offer to be his friend, that'll only give him false hope.
Tbh, after the text to you about your gsy friend, you're probably getting a lucky escape. He sounds potentially possessive and needy.
With age comes the realisation that clear communication is crucial for us to get our own needs met.
Tiptoeing round him and not being brutally honest will only drag this out.To thine own self be true
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Overwhelmed wrote: »But anyways I went to the beach with a friend yesterday (he's gay). We've been friends for 10 years and got a message earlier saying "you don't seem that interested and I just seen your pics from yesterday, hope you had a good time, take care". So he clearly had an issue that I was out with this guy. He knew I was going and i've told him who I was going with and that he's gay.
What’s the problem so? He’s finished with you, that’s what you wanted, happy days! Now all you need to focus on in future is not letting these things get away from you. It’s fine to let someone know where you’re at and what you are/aren’t looking for, and if they’re looking for different acknowledging right away that you can’t give them that. That’s healthy behaviour.
Lesson learned anyway, it’s over now, so no harm done.0 -
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What’s the problem so? He’s finished with you, that’s what you wanted, happy days! Now all you need to focus on in future is not letting these things get away from you. It’s fine to let someone know where you’re at and what you are/aren’t looking for, and if they’re looking for different acknowledging right away that you can’t give them that. That’s healthy behaviour.
Lesson learned anyway, it’s over now, so no harm done.
If a guy/girl is trying to meet up and you are non-comital or saying you have no time and he then sees you with someone else he gets the picture. If you were interested in him you would have made time. It’s nothing to do with a gay friend. He actually never even mentioned him. If you had feelings he knows you would have made time. So he might be hurt and a bit embarrassed but you have your out and he knows where he stands.
But the full on feelings and marriage quip when a few kisses may mean that you had a lucky escape. And the family loves you stuff, sounds like a bit strange.0 -
joeguevara wrote: »If a guy/girl is trying to meet up and you are non-comital or saying you have no time and he then sees you with someone else he gets the picture. If you were interested in him you would have made time. It’s nothing to do with a gay friend. He actually never even mentioned him. If you had feelings he knows you would have made time. So he might be hurt and a bit embarrassed but you have your out and he knows where he stands.
But the full on feelings and marriage quip when a few kisses may mean that you had a lucky escape. And the family loves you stuff, sounds like a bit strange.
I did make time for him. I spent Sat and Sun night having drinks with him. Think you didn't understand my post. The picture of someone else he seen me with WAS my gay friend. He was aware of this too. He said it himself that's what the message was about.0 -
See you’re editorialising there. That kinda stuff would be too intense for me too tbh, but it’s only a problem if it’s a problem. There are plenty of people who’ve told their partner they’d marry them early on and now it’s a cute story they tell others while married.
OP can only control their own behaviour and not drawing up boundaries when given the opportunity is what’ll lead to being here, and that’s a slippery slope to lead on and use someone. And whether the other person said they’d marry them on the first night or 5 years in is irrelevant, because neither would be an acceptable excuse to not draw boundaries and continuing while not letting the other person know where their head is at, so it’s just deflecting responsibility.0 -
I think people who have been lonely for a while can get overexcited/ over stimulated by the prospect of someone they can call a girlfriend; someone to love and care for. Sounds like that's what's happening with this fella.
At root, he is probably pretty traditional, and thus his families approval of you is important for him. He probably believes there is a real chance for ye together.
I also think you misunderstood what joeguevara was saying. I think the point is that for a guy like that, he wants to spend a lot (or all) of his time with you, and probably feels you should be excited to spend loads of time together, so to see you off with someone else, 'enjoying yourself', while he is sat on his tod, has upset him. Now that's not in any way a mature view, and it would be him getting ahead of himself, but it can be understood. The message was a little childish though.
My advice is to break it off and let him down gently, as the guy seems overly invested, whereas you don't feel the same ('you're a great guy, but I don't feel the same' etc etc). You probably can't be friends as he obviously has very strong feelings for you, and those don't just go away.0 -
Thanks for all the replies. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him. I spent this weekend with him. I genuinely don't know how I feel about him. I love his company, love spending time with him etc but don't know if I want more than that. But I guess I need to nip it in the bud as he is very invested and I don't know what I want.0
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J Mysterio wrote: »I think people who have been lonely for a while can get overexcited/ over stimulated by the prospect of someone they can call a girlfriend; someone to love and care for. Sounds like that's what's happening with this fella.
At root, he is probably pretty traditional, and thus his families approval of you is important for him. He probably believes there is a real chance for ye together.
I also think you misunderstood what joeguevara was saying. I think the point is that for a guy like that, he wants to spend a lot (or all) of his time with you, and probably feels you should be excited to spend loads of time together, so to see you off with someone else, 'enjoying yourself', while he is sat on his tod, has upset him. Now that's not in any way a mature view, and it would be him getting ahead of himself, but it can be understood. The message was a little childish though.
My advice is to break it off and let him down gently, as the guy seems overly invested, whereas you don't feel the same ('you're a great guy, but I don't feel the same' etc etc). You probably can't be friends as he obviously has very strong feelings for you, and those don't just go away.
OK thanks, when you put it like that it makes more sense now. God I feel awful. Thoughts of hurting him. I really like him and his family. Im probably going to lose our friendship along with everything else. I know I have probably been a bit selfish but I genuinely like him as a person and spending time with him. He deserves so much happiness.0 -
Overwhelmed wrote: »OK thanks, when you put it like that it makes more sense now. God I feel awful. Thoughts of hurting him. I really like him and his family. Im probably going to lose our friendship along with everything else. I know I have probably been a bit selfish but I genuinely like him as a person and spending time with him. He deserves so much happiness.
If you like him and enjoy spending time with him, that's great. Sometimes people can actually build an attraction in that way, but it would be rare. Ultimately you have to decide yourself if that might be possible or not for you. But seems maybe not. As you are still spending time with the guy, it would seem he is giving you every opportunity to build this. But if it's not there, it's not there, and you may well be prolonging the inevitable.0 -
Overwhelmed wrote: »Thanks for all the replies. The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt him. I spent this weekend with him. I genuinely don't know how I feel about him. I love his company, love spending time with him etc but don't know if I want more than that. But I guess I need to nip it in the bud as he is very invested and I don't know what I want.
I'm not sure that spending a second weekend with him was the best idea but that's in the past now.
He does seem very invested and you're only messing him around if you don't know how you feel. You're referring to this as hanging out, in his head it's going out. You don't want to hurt him but that's what's going to happen.
At the very least, I would have a conversation with him to temper expectations until you figure out what you want to do.0 -
You need to stop the pondering.... Come on, "break" It off with him asap, his hopes are obviously high and getting higher the more weekends you spend with him.
Its very clear there's doubts on your part. I've been in his position and trust me, he'll end up resenting you the longer this go's on.
Ye will end up having no friendship.....0 -
You are leading him on and you know it. Stop doing that.0
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