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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 182 ✭✭Twister2


    Why do women parachutists wear tampons

    So they don't whistle on the way down


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    My wife and I have decided we don't want to have children.

    We will be telling them tonight at dinner.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A priest is driving near Waterford and sees a dead donkey on the road. He rings local gardai-station and a smart-arse cop answers the phone.
    He tells him about the dead donkey on the road.
    "Did you give him the last rights father?" asks cop.
    The Priest says "no,i just decided i would call his next of kin first"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Went to the shops yesterday and got bored Shopping with my Wife,

    She felt sorry for me. She gave me a £10 and told me to go for a Pint and meet her at the Bus Stop in an hour.

    I had a wander around but somehow found myself in a seedy part of town

    Simply being curious I asked one of the girls "How Much"..???

    The girl replied, "£90 for all the way, £60 for Oral or £30 for a Handjob."

    I told her I only had £10?

    She said, “Sorry, but you won't get much for a tenner."

    So I shrugged my shoulders and continued to wander. I found a Pub, and then went to meet my Wife.

    While we were sitting together waiting for the Bus, the same working girl I spoke to earlier passes by on the other side of the road and recognised me.

    She shouts over to me..

    "See, I told ya, you wouldn't get much for a tenner"...


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,957 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just swallowed the F5 key from my laptop.

    It was actually quite refreshing


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    Englishman: "That your dog?"

    Welshman: "Aye."

    Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"

    Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

    Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doing all right."

    Welshman: (look of shock)

    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

    Dog: "Yep."

    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

    Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

    Horse: "Yep."

    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

    Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Welshman: "That sheep's a f**king liar."
    :D:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I got my camera out when I spotted my 19-year-old next door neighbour washing the family car dressed only in a bikini.

    He'll never live this down.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    for the week that's in it....

    what would you do if you saw The Late Late Show on fire??

    you'd sit down and watch Gay Byrne


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,660 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I've discovered that I have a superpower.

    I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.















    It takes a while though.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,660 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses....

    ... now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,660 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?

    Answers on a postcard to the usual address.


  • Registered Users Posts: 66,783 ✭✭✭✭FrancieBrady


    fryup wrote: »
    for the week that's in it....

    what would you do if you saw The The Late Show on fire??

    you'd sit down and watch Gay Byrne
    *

    image.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    fryup wrote: »
    for the week that's in it....

    what would you do if you saw The The Late Show on fire??

    you'd sit down and watch Gay Byrne
    *

    image.jpg


    Burnt to a crisp...


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,084 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    *

    image.jpg
    whiskeyman wrote: »
    Burnt to a crisp...
    It's the Light Light Show.....and here is your toast!! :o


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    I've discovered that I have a superpower.

    I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them.















    It takes a while though.
    My super power is turning food into Shiite.


  • Registered Users Posts: 38 Oscar1978


    Gerry Adams arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says hi you're not coming in here !!! Gerry says I don't want to come in , I'm giving ye 15 minutes to get the fuk out !!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My son said, "I haven't got a clue what I want to do when I leave school."

    I said, "What about a career in the catering industry like me."

    He said, "Dad, you deliver ****ing pizzas."


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,048 ✭✭✭Mr.Wemmick


    What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

    One's a kangaroo. The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,660 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    <Scotty> Oh my ****ing God. I just spent the best 20 dollars of my life. On a bet, anyway.
    <Scotty> After school, me and my friends went to the drug store.
    <Scotty> And my friend brought a box of condoms to the counter.
    <Scotty> And she scanned them.
    <Scotty> And he acted like he didn't have enough money.
    <Scotty> He was like, "****, I'll be right back."
    <Scotty> So he puts the condoms back, and comes back with a bag of rubber bands in one hand and a box of plastic wrap in the other.
    <Scotty> Oh my ****ing God
    <Scotty> Until the day I die
    <Scotty> I will never forget that lady's face.
    <DanT> haha
    <Scotty> Best bet I've ever lost.


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Shout out to the people asking what to opposite of in is!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

    After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
    The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
    Then he decided to look through the window.

    He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."

    I said, "You're not coming in mate!"

    He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I phoned my mother-in-law and said, "Your daughter has not been home in days"...

    She replied, "I know, she is here with me, she's not coming back"...

    I said, "I know, I'm just going through my phone book to tell everyone the good news"...


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,660 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    New technology moves too fast for me these days.

    Just tried to wipe the dust off my phone's screen, and now I have a 12-month subscription to Netflix.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 784 ✭✭✭LaFuton


    Oscar1978 wrote: »
    Humans and dolphins are the only species to have sex for pleasure. Do you know how many animals I had sex with to find that out ?


    don't bonobo monkeys do it for pleasure? an maybe conflict resolution? i vaguely remember an ex g/f used to say that regularly, she was a randy nut tho.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,010 ✭✭✭kildare lad


    Why is captain Kirk's wife covered in poo ??
    Because William Shatner


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Got up this morning and round the block five times. Then I got tired, picked up the block and put it back in the toy box.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    **BREAKING NEWS***
    Man charged with using sandpaper to kill victim..
    Tells court;'I only wanted to rough him up a bit'...


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    OXO are bringing out a new cube to celebrate brexit...
    It's called the laughing stock..


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,618 ✭✭✭TheBody


    My coworker was recently crushed by a stack of falling chickpeas. The police suspect hummuside.


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