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living a lie

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  • 15-04-2010 11:40pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    hey there,

    i would appreciate any advice you guys could give me...

    i'm in a complete rut i guess and wondering what to do. i'm gay and just starting to accept it i guess. it's pathetic in ways... i mean the penny is only dropping now.. i'm 26!

    i have known since primary school that i was different and i think alot of other people even then could spot it (my family included), successfully faded into the background in secondary and was the quiet one who avoided all talk of girls, doing stuff with them etc.
    College was the same- just tried to keep my head down and avoid at all costs confronting my sexuality... and i'm 100% sure so many people down through the years have read me like a book and known the truth that i am gay but i have refused to accept it... and i guess it's just fear.

    i'm now 26 , have been working for good few years since college and i have just become so used to a pretty hollow life i guess...drfiting along as the quiet one since secondary school and actively dodging confronting the fact that i am gay has been my life for over 10 years now and i feel like it's time to change it .

    i guess over the last few months, i have kinda felt like every thing i have bottled up is starting to eat at me...all this that i have supressed is torturing me... since new years, i have started to think about nothing else but how i feel trapped and fearful about what i'm doing with my life and where i'll end up in time... i'm just so sick of pretending to be someone i'm not and it's all because i know my family and the majority of my friends are very homophobic and without doubt won't accept me as openly gay.. i live in quite rural spot, the openly homphobic comments that i have always been surrounded by are really getting to me now... before i was just trying to push away who i am, so the comments never got to me but now it really hurts to be constantly hearing anti-gay stuff cause that's who i am.

    I think its cause i feel i'm getting older, time is passing by and i'm stuck in this rut where i can't be who i want to be... i'm feeling panicked lately.. like it's make or break time for me... i'm kinda thinking i need to get away from here and move to dublin where i can maybe start to live my life as i know i should... as gay... i just feel so trapped here..
    i know that my parents and siblings and friends really will not accept me as gay ... the constant digs and tut-tutting anything gay assures me of this... i am certain...

    i kinda feel in my heart i know i need to get away and start over somewhere else but i'm scared ****less of the thought of having to do that too... i kinda feel like im not strong enough to start totally over somewhere new either... i wonder am i mad to think i should throw up my steady job, all my family and friends just to be who i am. The alternative is stay stuck though... suppressing who i am so that i can hold onto my family and friends...

    I know this all might sound melodramatic and you might think surely someone will accept or you for who you are but I am 100 percent certain... my family: absolutely not: homophobioa is so engrained in my staunchly catholic family , friends: no way either- at least none of the guys -none of them would stand out from the crowd just for one gay friend

    I just feel so trapped and gripped by fear; either option seems so hard.

    (Sorry this is so long winded )

    Thanks


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    #2
    pacific89
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭pacific89


    Wow, you sound exactly like me, the whole drifting into the background, people thinking you are gay, and me not expecting some of them to be surprised when I tell them- except I'm 21 years old and half way through college. I'm gay and not out.

    I recently started talking to guys on-line in similar circumstances, it really helps me as I am talking about it and not keeping it all bottled up.

    I'm also after kind of accepting I'm gay. Previously, I just ignored it but I do know now I am gay. So I will live my life the way I want to soon enough. I'm not going to sacrifice my future happiness to keep my relationships with my family and friends the same as they are now, if they can't accept that I am gay, they will be irrelevant to me. But I have an idea most of them will, so I feel sorry for you on that front. Where do you live, surely there's one person who would accept you?

    Part of me wants to move abroad and 'come out' there, away from home. But that's another 2 years down the line so I don't know if I can wait that long. Maybe you should consider it, move somewhere fairly liberal, join sports clubs or whatever and make friends. Mention you are gay, it would be so much easier than doing it in your hometown from the sounds of it.

    Sorry my advice isn't the best, but I'm more or less, in the same situation.


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    #3
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    What is it with this 26 years thing. The amount of gay guys who are 26 and are posting threads or sommenting in them in a similar situation is astonishing.

    I'm 26 next year... but I've already posted about it :p

    Maybe we should set up the "Gay 26 Club"? :D


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    #4
    rainbow kirby
    Moderators, Regional Abroad Moderators Posts: 26,928 Mod ✭✭✭✭rainbow kirby


    Eternal Wonderer wrote: »
    Maybe we should set up the "Gay 26 Club"? :D
    Possibly a good idea... and it's not just the guys.

    /is 26 in June :eek:


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    #5
    crotalus667
    Registered Users Posts: 1,900 ✭✭✭crotalus667


    Eternal Wonderer wrote: »
    What is it with this 26 years thing. The amount of gay guys who are 26 and are posting threads or sommenting in them in a similar situation is astonishing.

    I'm 26 next year... but I've already posted about it :p

    Maybe we should set up the "Gay 26 Club"? :D
    Pffffffffffftt I'm 28 I feel so old :rolleyes:


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    #6
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    ---------------- wrote: »
    i have kinda felt like every thing i have bottled up is starting to eat at me...all this that i have supressed is torturing me... since new years, i have started to think about nothing else but how i feel trapped and fearful about what i'm doing with my life and where i'll end up in time...
    I think its cause i feel i'm getting older, time is passing by and i'm stuck in this rut where i can't be who i want to be... i'm feeling panicked lately.. like it's make or break time for me... i'm kinda thinking i need to get away from here and move to dublin where i can maybe start to live my life as i know i should... as gay... i just feel so trapped here..

    Do it.
    Feel the fear and do it anyway!
    There is nothing quite so liberating as doing something that scares the hell out of you and realising that you survived it.
    Not only did you survive it, but it strengthened you, it brought you happiness and it made you a person you actually like.
    Do it.
    Do it because you have just this one life to live.
    A life that you must live for yourself and not for people who might think differently when looking at you.

    Remember this, the people who truly matter in your life are the ones who love you no matter what.
    Time for you to care enough about yourself and your happiness.
    Do what needs to be done.
    i know that my parents and siblings and friends really will not accept me as gay ... the constant digs and tut-tutting anything gay assures me of this... i am certain...

    Nothing is certain. They do the above in a cocoon of ignorance. They probably don't know any gay people.
    Perhaps the fact that you now turn around and tell them might make them more inclined to make an effort to change their mind set.

    Either way, you cannot live a lie until the day you die.
    i kinda feel in my heart i know i need to get away and start over somewhere else but i'm scared ****less of the thought of having to do that too...

    We all love our little comfort zones. But as I said above, you won't die.
    It will be scarey. But you won't die.
    And a few months down the line, when you've settled elsewhere and begin your new life, you will realise that not only did you not die, but you are now liberated in a way you've never experienced before.
    That feeling will be a wonderful thing when it comes.
    i kinda feel like im not strong enough to start totally over somewhere new either...

    We all have that strength within us. It requires making the effort before we realise it.

    Best of luck!


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    #7
    AssaultedPeanut
    Registered Users Posts: 806 ✭✭✭AssaultedPeanut


    rainbow kirby wrote: »
    Possibly a good idea... and it's not just the guys.

    /is 26 in June :eek:

    I'm a 26 year old gal myself......this is getting weeeeird


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    #8
    BearInBelgium
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭BearInBelgium


    I had a good job in Ireland, but was living in Co. Laois! I am from Dublin originally.... I had kept the whole "gay" part of my life private and under wraps.... I thought my head was going to explode and it was driving me crazy....I was so stressed out about it and coming out etc.
    I thought my family would all be shocked and friends wouldn't accept it...

    So one cold winter morning I walked out of my job, ran back to Dublin ... got a job teaching English in Germany and left.... When I arrived in Germany I came out! I didn't hide it from anyone... no-one batted an eyelid! I made new friends and a new life.... and when I felt I had a new support network in my new city...I came out to everyone in Ireland...it wasn't easy but it was DEFINITELY easier!!!!!!

    That was almost 17 years ago.... I am now married [officially] to a great man and live in Belgium. My parents sat in the front row at our wedding as proud parents! It was tough running away to Germany but it was the bet thing I ever did and allowed me to get my own life in order....

    Hey we live in a great house in the country, have a big dog, a great life:)

    Sometimes a new start is just easier!!!! My real friends in Ireland accepted me and we are still in contact.......


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    #9
    fozzle
    Registered Users Posts: 1,882 ✭✭✭fozzle


    What Beruthial said (she's a smart lady). And don't prejudge your parents, you may be suprised.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hey guys, thanks a mill for taking the time to reply to me....

    it's great to hear that there are people out there who have done it and gotten on with their lives.... i'm kinda resigned to the fact now that i need to get away and start fresh if i can't be who i want to be here.... now , it's the hard part... actually getting on - sorting out where i go from here but thanks for helping me realise that i have to make this change and break away...


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    #11
    Irishdudedave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 273 ✭✭Irishdudedave


    Hey everyone,

    Im a 22 yo guy who has only recently ( just over a month) come out to friends and family.

    I too struggled with all the OP mentioned... Ive heard all the general comments about gays, queers, etc from people in my area.

    I had always thought that I could never come out to friends and family as they would not accept me and similar to the OP I considered a move.
    In the end I moved to London, started a new job and told anyone that would ask that I was gay. It didnt help really, yes I had this great new relaxed life where everyone knew me as gay and I could truly be myself...but I found you couldn't live two separate lives.
    Both lives will eventually meet as I experienced when people came to visit me for weeks here, weekends there... All these friends and family from home wanted to go out, meet my friends and see how I was living in London... I obviously couldnt let them meet all these people that knew I was gay as it would come up in conversation and I would be outed! (This is what I thought at the time at least) so I ended up making sure nobody from my Irish life met anybody from my London life... (sad I know!)

    I eventually, after 9 months, moved back to Ireland and just told everyone... It was tough,scary and I nearly didn't at one stage but once I told them all, one thing hit me... Nobody cared really... Most people said "Your still the same guy" or "Fair play, it must have taken some courage to come out". Now im relaxed and enjoying life at home with my friends and family.

    I think what Im trying to get across here is that unless you want to totally cut off your current family and friends, no distance will let you avoid telling them. If you want to be out, its best to tell your closest friends and family...Then life can go on, if they do react badly and dont come around eventually ( I doubt this will happen!) then you can move without the fear of you being outed by some third party! but most likely people will be accepting and you can have the life you desire where you are with family and friends.

    Sorry if the post is a bit long or doesn't make sense but I struggled to write fully what I wanted to get across!

    Hope it helps...


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i get where you're coming from about the two separate lives thing not working...it's a real problem....

    but i don't want to cut myself off totally from them (family) either -is this really selfish?- but i'd like to live my life as i choose in some place like dublin- a distance away- but not too far so that i could call back down every so often to stay in touch... i know it will become tricky over time trying to hide my life somewhere else away but it seems like best of bad options at the mo...

    just the other night when that programme on rte 1 about young gays was on, the complete dismissal of it and snide remarks about "them queers" killed any hope of acceptance for me further... and it's just getting me down more and more... sometimes, i start to think maybe things aren't so bad, maybe i could be accepted but every now and again, gay life/people is firmly ridiculed before me and it's eating at me having to just sit here and endure it, i fell i have to get away for my own sanity...

    was it really that hard to juggle both lives?


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    #13
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,799 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Where do you live at the moment? Perhaps Dublin might be a good idea so that you are not cut off entirely

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #14
    Dwn Wth Vwls
    Registered Users Posts: 401 ✭✭Dwn Wth Vwls


    I think you probably should move to Dublin, because even though ultimately I'd recommend coming out, you can't really do it when you're miserable.

    The thing is, telling them you're gay might be the kick up the arse that they need to cop on. At the moment they have an "us vs. them" mentality about them queers. They don't realise that they actually love one of those queers, and that it's not just some stereotypes elsewhere in society. It's their own family and friend.

    So, I say move to Dublin. It's nice here. Make a happy life for yourself. Then go back and let them know that you're gay and their attitude needs to change. It's not the 1800s, if they have any cop on at all they will. You have to do it when you're happy and confident and ready to not take any crap from them though.


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    #15
    Untense
    Registered Users Posts: 175 ✭✭Untense


    ---------------- wrote: »
    hey there,

    i kinda feel in my heart i know i need to get away and start over somewhere else but i'm scared ****less of the thought of having to do that too... i kinda feel like im not strong enough to start totally over somewhere new either... i wonder am i mad to think i should throw up my steady job, all my family and friends just to be who i am. The alternative is stay stuck though... suppressing who i am so that i can hold onto my family and friends...
    Just to be who you are? What else is there? Leaving home is definitely a scary prospect but it's not bad at all once you're there. Don't let fear stop you.
    I know this all might sound melodramatic and you might think surely someone will accept or you for who you are but I am 100 percent certain... my family: absolutely not: homophobioa is so engrained in my staunchly catholic family , friends: no way either- at least none of the guys -none of them would stand out from the crowd just for one gay friend
    We can only take it that you know your friends and family, so let's take this as a fact. If you know anyone, distant friends or whatever from your hometown who aren't backward, now would be a good time to get in touch with them.
    I just feel so trapped and gripped by fear; either option seems so hard.
    You know what you'll get if you stay in your current situation. More misery. Is that really an option?
    Think of a time in the past when you've felt fear before doing something unknown. How long has a fear of the unknown lasted after the thing became known? How often has such a fear been warranted?


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Guys, thanks a million for taking the time to listen to me and for all the advice.... really appreciate it...

    You know, you are really helping me see that i can't just be scared to take the chance of starting over in dublin and working on being comfortable with who i am... and if i give it a go in dublin, and i find it doesn't make me any happier, all won't be lost, i could still return back home... i think i will just move and not come out here... and try to start over in dublin by being totally open and honest,.... as you guys have said, fear passes... it might be hard settling in for a while, but i gotta take the chance, give it a go, and if it doesn't work out, i can return home knowing that i gave it my best shot...

    I have to get over my fear of what people will think of me, and what if i get to dublin and can't make a go of it...

    Again, thanks a mil

    (by the way, i live in the midlands)


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    #17
    Cabbage Brained
    Closed Accounts Posts: 66 ✭✭Cabbage Brained


    Hey mate. I would strongly advise moving to Dublin and accepting yourself before trying to get your family/ friends to. You're under no obligation to disclose every minute detail of your life to them, and you can easily "live two lives" for a while. Although I wouldn't see it that way. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong and it's entirely your business and nobody else's.

    I would do all this with a view to eventually coming out to your friends and family though. This will be much easier and will go a million times more smoothly if you are happy and comfortable in yourself and who you are when you tell them. If you tell them now they will see that you're unhappy and will blame this on your sexuality. If you tell them when you're happy and comfortable in yourself the opposite will happen, and they will see that being out is making you happier. I think it is very unlikely that they won't accept you when they see this.

    Seriously, they will surprise you. Countless studies have been done which show that familiarity breeds acceptance; once somebody has a close friend or family member who is gay they are much more likely to be accepting of it. I heard all those comments from friends and family members over the years, but I haven't had one bad reaction. It's just ignorance, not hatred.

    http://www.marketingvox.com/familiarity-breeds-tolerance-four-in-ten-have-gay-friends-relatives-030416/

    In short, get to Dublin, get comfortable with yourself, and then work on your family and friends. It will be a slow process but it will get easier and easier all the time, and once you've made that first step you will immediately feel the weight leave your shoulders. It is extremely liberating and life-changing, seriously mate, you will not regret it, I promise you that.


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    #18
    Untense
    Registered Users Posts: 175 ✭✭Untense


    ----------------------- wrote: »
    and what if i get to dublin and can't make a go of it...
    The worst that'll happen is it won't work out, remember with judgment and failure it's not death we're talking about , even if our minds are good at convincing us otherwise...

    Good luck, and please reply here to let us know how you get on!


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