What's the etiquette here??

padd b1975 · 25-04-2019 8:36am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Its no joke

A suspiciously early post there Bren.

Dealing with some urgent personal business I presume?

AndrewJRenko · 25-04-2019 10:17am

BBFAN wrote: »

I really don't think you understand this thread Andrew?? It's funny. A joke thread like.

Get a life, you seriously need to look at yourself and whether you understand jokes?

A thread can be different things to different people, all at the same time. I've got some great practical advice on this thread, along with the few laughs.

tgdaly · 25-04-2019 10:24am

This thread is an extravagant encyclopedia on the excretion of excrement

AndrewJRenko · 25-04-2019 10:28am

blanch152 wrote: »

It could be worse, I saw a doorman of one of our better hotels admitting a lad in cycling gear. Standards are slipping everywhere.

Personally, I find that the lycra crotch bulge generally renders them speechless in awe from 50m away, so it's easy just to breeze past.

Aglomerado · 25-04-2019 11:11am

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Personally, I find that the lycra crotch bulge generally renders them speechless in awe from 50m away, so it's easy just to breeze past.

...at the front of the back of the shorts?

EmmetSpiceland · 25-04-2019 12:42pm

Called in sick today, had a bad experience last night. Was brief enough but had me incredibly unsettled so I didn’t sleep well. I’m not someone who takes many days so it’ll be fine. I’ll probably take tomorrow too as it’s Friday.

Was moving around fine yesterday evening but around 7pm I got this gut wrenching cramp that almost had me taking a knee. This was followed by a very smelly, and hot, fart. I had to goose step it to the bathroom as quick as I could. I’m not sure how I manage it but I got the window open and papered the water as I didn’t want too much splash back.

The dam burst just as cheek made contact with the seat, pure liquid, no solid matter. This gush lasted longer than I felt normal but stopped suddenly only to be followed by a fart that sounded like the rumbling of faraway thunder but ended like someone letting the air out of a balloon. High pitched. After that a few more bouts of brown “ass piss” followed but then everything settled down. Except the smell, that was terrible.

I was very concerned about the clean up but after a couple of tamping pats with liberally folded paper the real work was easy enough. Haven’t felt right since, more rattled than anything, even though I have passed solids. Should be grand to get back to work on Monday, probably just overdid it with the fibre or something.

I guess the only real etiquette in one’s own home is to keep the window open, light a match and maybe give fair warning. If there’s no window you should really light a scented candle.

Utter Consternation · 25-04-2019 12:43pm

Feeling a bit bound up the last few days. Things haven't been working out 'to plan.' A few mini egg deposits but nothing to write home about. Feeling very down about it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Utter Consternation · 25-04-2019 12:43pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Called in sick today, had a bad experience last night. Was brief enough but had me incredibly unsettled so I didn’t sleep well. I’m not someone who takes many days so it’ll be fine. I’ll probably take tomorrow too as it’s Friday.

Was moving around fine yesterday evening but around 7pm I got this gut wrenching cramp that almost had me taking a knee. This was followed by a very smelly, and hot, fart. I had to goose step it to the bathroom as quick as I could. I’m not sure how I manage it but I got the window open and papered the water as I didn’t want too much splash back.

The dam burst just as cheek made contact with the seat, pure liquid, no solid matter. This gush lasted longer than I felt normal but stopped suddenly only to be followed by a fart that sounded like the rumbling of faraway thunder but ended like someone letting the air out of a balloon. High pitched. After that a few more bouts of brown “ass piss” followed but then everything settled down. Except the smell, that was terrible.

I was very concerned about the clean up but after a couple of tamping pats with liberally folded paper the real work was easy enough. Haven’t felt right since, more rattled than anything, even though I have passed solids. Should be grand to get back to work on Monday, probably just overdid it with the fibre or something.

I guess the only real etiquette in one’s own home is to keep the window open, light a match and maybe give fair warning. If there’s no window you should really light a scented candle.

The hot fart is always an ominous portent of vile smelling things to come.

Ush1 · 25-04-2019 12:46pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Called in sick today, had a bad experience last night. Was brief enough but had me incredibly unsettled so I didn’t sleep well. I’m not someone who takes many days so it’ll be fine. I’ll probably take tomorrow too as it’s Friday.

Was moving around fine yesterday evening but around 7pm I got this gut wrenching cramp that almost had me taking a knee. This was followed by a very smelly, and hot, fart. I had to goose step it to the bathroom as quick as I could. I’m not sure how I manage it but I got the window open and papered the water as I didn’t want too much splash back.

The dam burst just as cheek made contact with the seat, pure liquid, no solid matter. This gush lasted longer than I felt normal but stopped suddenly only to be followed by a fart that sounded like the rumbling of faraway thunder but ended like someone letting the air out of a balloon. High pitched. After that a few more bouts of brown “ass piss” followed but then everything settled down. Except the smell, that was terrible.

I was very concerned about the clean up but after a couple of tamping pats with liberally folded paper the real work was easy enough. Haven’t felt right since, more rattled than anything, even though I have passed solids. Should be grand to get back to work on Monday, probably just overdid it with the fibre or something.

I guess the only real etiquette in one’s own home is to keep the window open, light a match and maybe give fair warning. If there’s no window you should really light a scented candle.

Know the feeling, the ol balloon knot does be like a female baboon in heat.

EmmetSpiceland · 25-04-2019 12:47pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Feeling a bit bound up the last few days. Things haven't been working out 'to plan.' A few mini egg deposits but nothing to write home about. Feeling very down about it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I’d be afraid to suggest anything, all things considered.

Utter Consternation · 25-04-2019 12:52pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I’d be afraid to suggest anything, all things considered.

Sounds like you're in a different place to me at the moment Emmet.

It's a very delicate balance that's need to be struck when releasing the dinner back into the wild. :cool:

Hotblack Desiato · 25-04-2019 1:08pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Reminds me of sharing a house on a J1 with 6 other lads.

Something about living in the US the food made us all have monster turds. I mean 9-10 inches at a time and in one solid piece. Work of art if truth be told.

Probably down to the massive portions of cheap so-called 'food' they have over there. Could feed a family of four on a starter.

Not a good combination with the low-flush toilets they have in the US.

I reckon yiz all came back two stone heavier after that summer.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The 3 states of matter in one movement: solids, liquids, and gases.

There's actually four states of matter - hot ionized plasma being the other one - post-Vindaloo you can experience all four at once.

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I guess the only real etiquette in one’s own home is to keep the window open, light a match and maybe give fair warning. If there’s no window you should really light a scented candle.

Sounds highly risky.

After releasing that much methane in a confined space, you should be putting up a sign like this

danger-highly-flammable-vapour-no-smoking-no-naked-lights.jpg

danger-highly-flammable-vapour-no-smoking-no-naked-lights.jpg

Hotblack Desiato · 25-04-2019 1:11pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

...genuine question, is this civil service toileting priority given according to seniority a real thing or is it some kind of urban myth?

You reckon??

I do have a couple of civil service bog war-stories though, both over 20 years ago now so statute of limitations is presumably up...

Offices over Busarus, it was a quiet early evening when I went in for a piss, could hear a distinct *fap*fap*fap* noise from one of the cubicles. Nobody else around. Made my exit and kept a close eye on the jacks door which was just up the corridor from my open plan area, a few minutes later one of the 'suits' from the Minister's office emerged. He'd come up to our floor for a wafty crank...

A couple of years later I was working in Dublin Castle and there was an incident in one of the ladies' conveniences, someone apparently did an Assange. The normal cleaners wouldn't touch it - understandable - what was not understandable was someone decided to lock the cubicle door from the outside and just leave it there. A few summer days later you can imagine things were getting pretty bad and eventually they got specialist cleaners in in a northern reg van, presumably learned their trade in H-block.

partyguinness · 25-04-2019 1:20pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Feeling a bit bound up the last few days. Things haven't been working out 'to plan.' A few mini egg deposits but nothing to write home about. Feeling very down about it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well I am not sure how practical this is but you may want to consider putting yourself in a very stressful nerve wracking situation over the next couple of days. Any public speaking event you can take up? Any Court appearances?

I do a lot of running these days and I love the morning of an event (usually half marathon) I will have a least 2-3 thorough evacuations due to nerves. Stomach knots up, walk around the house to let gravity do its thing after a nights sleep, hold for as long as possible and then just release the dogs of war. It's liquid but my God it revitalizes the soul.

It's one of the unspoken taboos of running- advice you don't find in Runner's World. Make sure your entire digestive tract is empty otherwise you are pounding it to mush while running and nobody wants the indignity of not having a toilet 7 miles into a run. You can get away with a piss down some side alley but a messy evacuation with no facilities or paper- nightmare.

Utter Consternation · 25-04-2019 1:33pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Well I am not sure how practical this is but you may want to consider putting yourself in a very stressful nerve wracking situation over the next couple of days. Any public speaking event you can take up? Any Court appearances?

I do a lot of running these days and I love the morning of an event (usually half marathon) I will have a least 2-3 thorough evacuations due to nerves. Stomach knots up, walk around the house to let gravity do its thing after a nights sleep, hold for as long as possible and then just release the dogs of war. It's liquid but my God it revitalizes the soul.

It's one of the unspoken taboos of running- advice you don't find in Runner's World. Make sure your entire digestive tract is empty otherwise you are pounding it to mush while running and nobody wants the indignity of not having a toilet 7 miles into a run. You can get away with a piss down some side alley but a messy evacuation with no facilities or paper- nightmare.

Very insightful advice. :thoughtful emoji:

JohnnyFlash · 25-04-2019 1:38pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Well I am not sure how practical this is but you may want to consider putting yourself in a very stressful nerve wracking situation over the next couple of days. Any public speaking event you can take up? Any Court appearances?

I do a lot of running these days and I love the morning of an event (usually half marathon) I will have a least 2-3 thorough evacuations due to nerves. Stomach knots up, walk around the house to let gravity do its thing after a nights sleep, hold for as long as possible and then just release the dogs of war. It's liquid but my God it revitalizes the soul.

It's one of the unspoken taboos of running- advice you don't find in Runner's World. Make sure your entire digestive tract is empty otherwise you are pounding it to mush while running and nobody wants the indignity of not having a toilet 7 miles into a run. You can get away with a piss down some side alley but a messy evacuation with no facilities or paper- nightmare.

Believe that’s known in running circles as ‘doing a Radcliffe’.

Aglomerado · 25-04-2019 1:42pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

You reckon??

I do have a couple of civil service bog war-stories though, both over 20 years ago now so statute of limitations is presumably up...

A couple of years later I was working in Dublin Castle and there was an incident in one of the ladies' conveniences, someone apparently did an Assange. The normal cleaners wouldn't touch it - understandable - what was not understandable was someone decided to lock the cubicle door from the outside and just leave it there. A few summer days later you can imagine things were getting pretty bad and eventually they got specialist cleaners in in a northern reg van, presumably learned their trade in H-block.

I've witnessed similar in other government offices, including a poo with a footprint in it on the floor, a used sanitary towel stuck to the wall and a soiled undergarment in a sink.
I also used to sit near a HEO whose diet was 99% cake who would fart SBDs in the office for 20 minutes before disappearing for half an hour, presumably to exorcise the demons causing said SBDs.

Slideways · 25-04-2019 1:48pm

Was at a funeral of a close friend down the country and one of the lads from home came to show some support.

This lad was a hoor for guinness or bulmers, often times mixing them on a night as well. In the door and he was straight into a can of guinness after having a few cans of looney juice on the way down from Sligo. The corpse was in the living room right inside the door and as it was January all the windows and doors were closed.

My pal is in the kitchen with a few of the close family and he asks that one word question "toilet?"

'Theres one under the stairs and another upstairs'

The fcuker went into the one under the stairs, directly opposite the door to the living room. 2 mins later he emerges and I swear a green fog followed him. His eyes were watering and it wasnt for the lass in the coffin. Lads, i know ritual is to not leave the body alone but every man woman and the house dog made a bee line for the back garden. My pal, proud as punch. Like a 2 yr old that just did his first shyte in a potty...

partyguinness · 25-04-2019 1:52pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Believe that’s known in running circles as ‘doing a Radcliffe’.

Yeah I do feel sorry for women. Guys can just slip to the side discretely pull out the lad and piss away while nonchalantly looking into the middle distance. Woman have to squat and pull shorts down etc.

More than once I have seen a female runner skip off to the side and just (with her back turned) just pull down her shorts bare ass showing and squatted. Dignity put to one side.

As I am running I have not indulged in a cheeky perv so I have just turned and looked away. Some things you don't need to see.

partyguinness · 25-04-2019 1:58pm

A few years back I spent a few months working in a warehouse. I dropped a fart so toxic around the reception area that one of the office staff said and I quote: "It's must be the drains again. That's not human." Everyone else agreed.

Voodoomelon · 25-04-2019 2:01pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Well I am not sure how practical this is but you may want to consider putting yourself in a very stressful nerve wracking situation over the next couple of days. Any public speaking event you can take up? Any Court appearances?

I do a lot of running these days and I love the morning of an event (usually half marathon) I will have a least 2-3 thorough evacuations due to nerves. Stomach knots up, walk around the house to let gravity do its thing after a nights sleep, hold for as long as possible and then just release the dogs of war. It's liquid but my God it revitalizes the soul.

It's one of the unspoken taboos of running- advice you don't find in Runner's World. Make sure your entire digestive tract is empty otherwise you are pounding it to mush while running and nobody wants the indignity of not having a toilet 7 miles into a run. You can get away with a piss down some side alley but a messy evacuation with no facilities or paper- nightmare.

I've have the misfortune of runner's diarrhea, probably happens me one in five runs (I run at night mostly). Lucky enough I run a route that doesn't take me too far from the house. But one night I got caught well short, I was running and cramping like crazy and knew I wouldn't make the house. So ducked into a wooded area beside someones house and dropped a pile of slop onto the turf. I was disgusted with myself but what do you do. It was strangely liberating too, with the kiss of cool winter air on the arse cheeks. I don't pity the neighbours and their new discovery the next morning.

It was an uncomfortable waddle home, but I always have a wad of bog roll with me now just in case.

Hotblack Desiato · 25-04-2019 2:39pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Yeah I do feel sorry for women. Guys can just slip to the side discretely pull out the lad and piss away while nonchalantly looking into the middle distance. Woman have to squat and pull shorts down etc.

It wasn't a cheeky "number one" Paula was stopping for though.

Notable cases
At the 2005 London Marathon, winner Paula Radcliffe, in desperate need for a toilet break during the race, stopped by the road in full view of the crowd and live TV cameras and defecated. She later blamed a meal of grilled salmon from the previous night for the incident.

EmmetSpiceland · 25-04-2019 3:00pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

I've have the misfortune of runner's diarrhea, probably happens me one in five runs (I run at night mostly). Lucky enough I run a route that doesn't take me too far from the house. But one night I got caught well short, I was running and cramping like crazy and knew I wouldn't make the house. So ducked into a wooded area beside someones house and dropped a pile of slop onto the turf. I was disgusted with myself but what do you do. It was strangely liberating too, with the kiss of cool winter air on the arse cheeks. I don't pity the neighbours and their new discovery the next morning.

It was an uncomfortable waddle home, but I always have a wad of bog roll with me now just in case.

When I was about 14 or 15 a man I didn’t recognise called to the door. He was dressed in running gear, the shorts and a singlet. Very sweaty. He said he was out running but needed to use the bathroom and would I mind letting him use ours.

It was only myself and my grandmother, who was staying with us, in the house. I didn’t really know what to do so did what I thought was the polite thing and let him in. I still regret that to this day.

He briskly made his way to our downstairs toilet and did his business. He even let himself out after the deed. Once he’d left I decided I’d do a quick recce of the jacks, as soon as I opened the door into the hall the smell hit. It was bad, real “old man” bad. I had to cover my nose and mouth.

Thankfully the toilet itself was in fine condition but the stench was thick. I had to leave the light on so the extractor fan would stay working. I’d say it was on for a good two hours before anyone came home. Of course the first thing they mentioned was the smell, I said that it was the man who called in but was met with incredulous looks. It didn’t help when my granny, god be good to her, said “What man? It was only the two of us here”.

The “nasty smell” has been brought up at a number of family gathering since then and I’m still shouldering the blame.

partyguinness · 25-04-2019 3:02pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

It wasn't a cheeky "number one" Paula was stopping for though.

Notable cases
At the 2005 London Marathon, winner Paula Radcliffe, in desperate need for a toilet break during the race, stopped by the road in full view of the crowd and live TV cameras and defecated. She later blamed a meal of grilled salmon from the previous night for the incident.

Gary Linekar had a **** on the pitch against Ireland at the WC in 1990.

TBH I don't see why the cause of runners trots is debatable. To me it is crystal clear: If you have food in your system and then head out on a 2-3 hour run. That is a hell of a lot of pounding your body is taking and then throw in gravity then it is inevitable that it will pass through you quicker meaning that all the water is not absorbed so you get the ****s. Maybe that is too simplistic.

Roger Hassenforder · 25-04-2019 3:20pm

Poor Tom Demoulin was similarly caught short in the Giro in 2017

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br2fsbH9sy8

tgdaly · 25-04-2019 3:42pm

I know the food in America is probably muck, but just to echo a point made here earlier, it definitely has some effect on the aul bowels. There has to be something added into it, because I was there recently, and eating similar things to what I would at home (and I'd eat daily fairly big portion anyways), I was laying some serious Wavin every day, there was some amount of brown pipage

Voodoomelon · 25-04-2019 8:03pm

tgdaly wrote: »

I know the food in America is probably muck, but just to echo a point made here earlier, it definitely has some effect on the aul bowels. There has to be something added into it, because I was there recently, and eating similar things to what I would at home (and I'd eat daily fairly big portion anyways), I was laying some serious Wavin every day, there was some amount of brown pipage

Funny you should mention this, as I comment on it every time I'm in the US. I think it's more to do with their toilet pans than the turds themselves. I think we lay just as much pipe here, but it all gets funneled into the bottom of the jacks. You stand up in the USA and turn around for a quick look, only to be met with a hippos leg straddling the width of the flatter pan.

Although you might be on to something, as the girth of the average log certainly seems to increase on their side of the water.

JohnnyFlash · 25-04-2019 9:33pm

Voodoomelon wrote: »

Funny you should mention this, as I comment on it every time I'm in the US. I think it's more to do with their toilet pans than the turds themselves. I think we lay just as much pipe here, but it all gets funneled into the bottom of the jacks. You stand up in the USA and turn around for a quick look, only to be met with a hippos leg straddling the width of the flatter pan.

Although you might be on to something, as the girth of the average log certainly seems to increase on their side of the water.

I went to one of those Cheesecake Factory places when I was in Florida a few years back. Started with the buffalo wings, and decided I'd go for the grilled pork chop for mains. The server said I should probably double up and get a second chop. I was almost stuffed after the portions of wings were finished, but managed to push through and eat about half a pig's worth of pork for mains. Then had to have a slice of their cheesecake - a frankly ignorant portion of food. Had about 6 or 7 pale ales to wash the whole thing down.

The next day was a disaster. Hugely constipated, and had to head to a drug store for some Xtra Strength Turbolax. Was watching Home Improvements on the telly in my room when I felt things start to move - the good ship Huge Turd was about to leave the dry dock and enter the water, and there wasn't going to be anyone smashing a bottle of champagne against the side to celebrate. As you say, the water closets over there tend to give you a full length view of dinners past, and this thing must have been well over a foot long. Wasn't right afterwards, and stuck with salads and light lager for the next 2 days. :eek:

Voodoomelon · 26-04-2019 12:11am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

the good ship Huge Turd was about to leave the dry dock and enter the water, and there wasn't going to be anyone smashing a bottle of champagne against the side to celebrate.

Crying here.

Utter Consternation · 26-04-2019 10:55am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Feeling a bit bound up the last few days. Things haven't been working out 'to plan.' A few mini egg deposits but nothing to write home about. Feeling very down about it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'd a full 'discharge' this morning. I feel lighter physically and spiritually.

Shalom.

What's the etiquette here??

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