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So Ashamed by Behaviour

  • 17-04-2014 6:19pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi Everyone,

    To make a long story as short as possible. Had a really bad break-up recently. He consistently lied to me cheated on me and made me think that I was losing my mind when I had suspicions! Anyway I found out the truth and was completely crushed - my whole word came crashing down around me. I should have walked away with my head held high but hindsight is a great thing. Point is I didn't. I behaved so badly and am so ashamed now. I don;t want to go into details here but I sent abusive messages, name called,drove to his house to confront him and bascially told some really nasty stuff to mutual friends some true and some not. I really let myself down that I know was really caught up in the pain and hurt and wasn't thinking straight. Honestly this person I am describing now is not me at all. Things are better now and I am so ashamed of how I behaved. When I think of it I can't believe it was me. Please don;t beat me up and say what am awful person I am - know this already and have beat myself up enough. I just want to know how do I get beyond this regret for how I behaved? I do not want anymore to do with this ex so contacting to apologise is not an option. just for balance he really is not a nice person and certainly no angel and had no remorse for how badly he treated me but its not about that even still I should not have behaved as I did. Please help.


Comments

  • #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    OP, I think the problem isn't that you went crazy after the break up, but that you were in such a terrible relationship to begin with, and if you acted out of character, you did so because you truly invested yourself and your feelings in this guy and instead of appreciating them, he used them to manipulate you.

    You need to let go of worrying about what he or others think or say about you - you don't need anybody's absolution. If it comes down to pride, and you are worried that you came across as unhinged, I'm sure that people will understand that you were pushed to the limits by this guy and his actions. Yes you regret it. So forgive yourself - and remind yourself every day that you deserve so much better than the guy you had.


  • #3
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    You poor thing.

    What you did wasn't great, but we have all done things we're not proud of.

    After how he treated you, your reaction sounds understandable. Not 'right,' but understandable.

    He lied and cheated, and you probably felt that you needed to lay out exactly how his actions affected you. I've done similar. I had a bad break up in my early 20s, similar situation to you, and I spelled out in three massive texts, exactly what I thought of him.

    His actions drove you to your reaction. As mike said, forgive yourself. It was out of character and it's not who you are. One mistake doesn't define you and doesn't stop you from being the good person I'm sure you are. Forget him, forgive yourself, and be happy.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks so much to mike.ie and other nice person who responded. Your compassion and response has made such a difference. Was expecting to get lambasted. This means so much. Thank you indeed.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Fe*k it! If you gave the relationship your best and that was what you got in return, send the abusive text messages. No shame in telling someone what you think of them if they've messed you around and let you down. If the abuse near equaled the hurt someone's actions cause by lying and cheating there would be a hell of lot more than what you've listed. Lying to friends was probably your only fault to be fair. Maybe retract whatever was said there. No point of making liars of the two of ye.

    You won't find many girls after being messed around that wouldn't do the same or at least some of the embarrassing list, many might not admit it mind you :) Rarely can anyone walk away from such hurt without turning slightly psycho. Better out than in!

    Yeah you'll look back and cringe but you were driven to it by his actions. Everyone deserves more than a liar and a cheat, don't lower self by adding to the lies. What's done is done.


  • #6
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    ashamed1 wrote: »
    Thanks so much to mike.ie and other nice person who responded. Your compassion and response has made such a difference. Was expecting to get lambasted. This means so much. Thank you indeed.

    Aw! I like it when this place actually helps people feel better! For what it's worth, I don't think there's a wise person in the world who hasn't become wiser by messing up and learning something from it. I totally get what it's like to have your head wrecked to the extent that you can't think straight and end up messing with a few other people's heads as a result. Could happen to a bishop, as the saying goes (although that's a dodgy analogy, sorry).

    Everyone learns where they don't want to go again, after they've been there and didn't like it. Consider it an informative life experience and don't be too hard on yourself. And avoid that eejit like the plague (but you knew that ;)).


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  • #7
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    At least you didn't do what I did after a similar break-up. I cut up his clothes, smashed his favourite mug, and took a baseball bat to his telly...

    I momentarily felt better, then felt ashamed of myself that I'd lost control so completely. Literally, a red mist descended. I've never lost my temper like that before or since. Funny though. He never did come back for his stuff - he must've known me better than I did!

    What I'm trying to say is this: It's done, and you can't take back anything that's happened. All you can do is promise yourself you'll never lower yourself like that again for ANY man. It ain't worth it. Trust me on that.

    Look after yourself. Be first in all things! :)


  • #8
    Dellnum
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭Dellnum


    The only thing that would concern me about your story is that you told mutual friends really nasty things about him that were not true. I just feel that you should rectify this but otherwise forget about the whole thing.


  • #9
    beauty101
    Registered Users Posts: 424 ✭✭beauty101


    Dellnum wrote: »
    The only thing that would concern me about your story is that you told mutual friends really nasty things about him that were not true. I just feel that you should rectify this but otherwise forget about the whole thing.

    I wouldn't bother rectifying anything. From what the OP has described her ex sounds like a right d**chebag & I'm sure mutual friends must notice some of that side of him too.

    Just let it be OP. Try forget about what's been said, it's out of your system now, onwards and upwards!


  • #10
    patsypantaloni
    Registered Users Posts: 234 ✭✭patsypantaloni


    I agree with what's been said about forgiving yourself, but in case you're (like me) prone to dwelling on things or beating yourself up about it, i find it helpful to say to myself that rather than going over and over it in my mind, whenever i start to think about something where i f***ed up, i try to stop myself and say "we all make mistakes, the trick is to learn from it". Then i think about what mistakes i've made in the specific situation i'm thinking about, identify what i would do differently next time around, and then draw a line under it. We can all benefit from learning from our mistakes but it's another thing altogether to waste your time dwelling on them!


  • #11
    Pawwed Rig
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,292 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    I think we have all done stupid things after a relationship break up. In a couple of years you will look back and cringe about it. I know personally I have done things that lacked any dignity at all. Life is a learning process. Sometimes we do stupid things. Learn from it and move on.

    As you don't want to apologise to the guy then don't. Was there anyone else involved that may have a negative view of you from this - maybe the mutual friends? If so it might be no harm to have a light hearted chat saying 'I think I got a little crazy there for a while'.


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  • #12
    sopretty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭sopretty


    I've done some bat-sh*t crazy things in the past after break-ups. Facebook is my enemy. In fact - a break-up, bitterness, pain, maudlin music and alcohol SHOULD NEVER BE COMBINED!!!!
    I know the mortification then when you've settled down and are in a better place.

    There's a little phrase which has helped me in my life in recent years:

    'You've been beating yourself up for long enough and it hasn't worked; try something different'.

    You'll be grand.


  • #13
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Learn from what you did.
    Then move on.

    We all make mistakes, you were angry and upset. Only human.

    Go easy on yourself. As each day passes the feeling of shame will go.

    I guarantee you 'll learn from it and will be a stronger, better person for your mistake. Take care


  • #14
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Do what you describe in your op, hold your head up high and move on. Guilt and regret are wasted emotions. So you vented your anger. So what? No one died. There was no blood shed. :)

    Youve learned to react better next time. I see that as a result. Give it no further thought!


  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi
    I did the exact same thing. Another poster said and was right that he manipulated you and drove you crazy. I went crazy numerous times with a guy I was going out with. He used to break up with me as he pleased I would run back to him.. this went on for a long time and he treated me very badly. I would send him abusive messages, look for him in bars, call unannounced to his house.. I even damaged something that he owned! (I paid him the money later). Looking back it was a horrible time and I can see how he manipulated me but I accept my part in it in that I didn't think about myself or care what he was doing to me. It was very messed up.
    anyway he started telling my friends that I was a psycho.. my so called friends that is.. I actually thought he was right and kept wanted to prove myself to him..
    I thought it was my fault and would feel guilty after each encounter....
    I enventually decided to move on and it took a while but I made a conscious decision to accept that it would hurt and never to contact him again... I met someone else and realised that when you are in a two - way respectful relationship you don't need to be "psycho" and slowly realised what happened in my last relationship.. I was with the wrong man and couldn't accept it... anyone else would of walked away.. ! Funny thing is guy tried to come crawling back to me years later.. I objected of course but it did give me a little feeling of satisfaction..
    in time to come you will look back and yes you should take some responsibility for your part but you will also realise that you were drawn into this ..learn from it !


  • #16
    FurBabyMomma
    Registered Users Posts: 774 ✭✭✭FurBabyMomma


    Hi OP just thought of something that might help. It sounds a bit strange but bear with me!

    Something happened me about 10 years ago (no need for details) and I felt really guilty and beat myself about it even though it wasn't my fault. I just couldn't seem to stop blaming myself and making myself sick with guilt.

    In the end I wrote a letter. To myself. I explained the situation to myself and swore nothing like that would ever happen to me again. I apologised profusely to myself for letting myself down. Then I reread the letter and tore it into pieces.

    I genuinely felt better afterwards. Writing it all down was so catarthic and I actually felt like a weight was lifted. I felt like I had forgiven myself and could finally move on. And I did! Now looking back I wonder why I ever blamed myself but at the time my head was messed up. But writing that letter really made all the difference and cleared my mind.

    Hope that helps, think about giving it a try.


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