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Teenage daughter

  • 02-06-2020 8:21pm
    #1
    tamara25
    Registered Users Posts: 361 ✭✭


    My daughter is 15, overall she is a good kid, doesn’t give us much grief until recently.. there was an incident last xmas where she was at a friends houses& got drunk. As a punishment she was banned from going to discos after that. With the recent spell of good weather & ease of restrictions I have let her meet the pals a few times recently. She was up at the local pier recently, had sun cream on but with being in the water it wasn’t very effective. She came home sun burned, about 2 days later she wanted to meet the pals again in the same place. I was really worried about her getting sun burned again & said no. She agreed to me but behind my back was plotting to go anyway so I put a stop to it. 3rd day, she was gone out with the pals again, we asked her to come home a bit earlier & she did the opposite. She can be very manipulative, very good at lying too. I’m not a very strict parent, I just want her to be more honest with me, not giving us cheek either. Next step I presume is taking the phone off her if things don’t improve?


Comments

  • #2
    Loveinapril
    Registered Users Posts: 2,326 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    tamara25 wrote: »
    Next step I presume is taking the phone off her if things don’t improve?

    You need to be careful here that the punishment fits the crime. Your daughter is entering into a phase developmentally now where she will be testing boundaries, making riskier choices, yearning for more independence and privacy from you. She definitely needs to treat you with respect but the same goes for how you treat her. Look into how an adolescent brain is developing and you may see that she isn't doing this to spite you, it is a normal developmental shift for her age.


  • #3
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    I don't see the point in trying to punish her over getting sunburnt. She's the one who's going to be uncomfortable with it afterwards. Let that be her punishment. Kids learn better when they've to deal with their own outcomes. She's 16, she'll figure that out.

    How is the drinking 5/6 months ago related to this though?


  • #4
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    She has (presumably) been unable to see her friends or socialise since mid March and you tried to withdraw privileges when she can finally meet up with them again because she got sunburnt?
    That’s a complete overreaction and particularly unfair given she has been isolated from her friends for the last 2.5 months.

    You need to cut her some slack OP, this lockdown has been hard on everyone but particularly tough on our young people.
    Try to be a bit more lenient and patient with her, I imagine she’s so desperate to meet her friends that if you start putting your foot down over trivial matters she’ll just rebel against you and go behind your back.
    And to be honest if I was her age, I’d do the same.

    She has tried alcohol & gotten drunk once and has been irresponsible with sun protection during uncharacteristically hot weather, those appear to be your biggest grievances with her? If so it sounds like you have a good kid to me.


  • #5
    Cash_Q
    Registered Users Posts: 1,920 ✭✭✭Cash_Q


    Involve her in your decision making before you lose any level of genuine communication.

    As others have said, punishing her for getting sunburnt is not fair. Most adults forget to reapply suncream unless abroad, highly unusual to see teens carrying suncream with them.

    Agree that she is free to see friends on certain terms. Agree the time she has to be home, agree her phone must be charged and answered. Agree what to do if she faces an emergency and needs your help - dont let her be afraid to turn to you out if fear of getting in trouble.

    Listen to her side and explain your side. Agree on a consequence if she isnt home on time/rejects your calls (but dont pester her, only ring if you need to). Enforce that consequence appropriately, eg if she's 5 mins late just be happy she's home safe, 15 mins late, tell her her she's pushing her luck, ask why she was late, give her one chance and explain that it's one chance, follow through on the agreed consequence if she's late again.

    She will test the boundaries but you as the adult have to stay calm, model positive communication, praise her good behaviour in a genuine way, show gratitude towards her. Treat her how you'd like to be treated and consider her as a person first and foremost, a teenager second.


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