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Help- Advice needed re Separation/ husband ignoring everything

  • 29-10-2020 10:44am
    #1
    Jess1
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭


    Hi, can anyone help.
    I’m living with my husband and the marriage is over. It’s been coming a few years due to lack of communication etc..
    We are totally living separate lives but he just won’t admit it’s done. He works shift work and acts like a lodger really.
    We moved to anew house at start of the year and mortgage is in my name as he previously had a house in his own name that was repossessed.
    He had let this out but stopped paying mortgage (all behind my back). I found out by seeing a letter from bank. Anyway long story short I eventually got a mortgage in my own name which was difficult.

    He paid towards deposit so I have suggested to him that I will pay him this money back.

    Things got really bad since COVID so I had enough and contacted a family law solicitor over the summer who issued two letters to him advising that I wanted to separate and for him to contact a solicitor.
    He has completely ignored these which I expected.

    My next step is to get a judicial separation but will have to pay €5000 upfront.

    Do I have any other options here? As I don’t know how much it will cost especially if husband continues to ignore letters etc..
    I have tried numerous times to suggest mediation or get him to contact a solicitor so that costs won’t be so high.. he won’t stir and says he will not be separating from me... it’s really tough trying to be in the same house and we have a little girl who is stuck in the middle...

    I know I can start paying money to solicitor to get the ball rolling but they can’t confirm total costs so am just very unsure.. I don’t qualify for legal aid as I work full time... it’s really tough as feel so stuck and would appreciate any advice. Thanks


Comments

  • #2
    jimbobjoe71
    Registered Users Posts: 20 ✭jimbobjoe71


    If the house is in your name could you not just change the locks?


  • #3
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi OP

    there is a world of difference between the house is mine, and the house is in my name. They are not the same thing. It seems to go over your head that this is his home. He is going to lose his relationship, his custody of his daughter and his home in a pandemic. Now im not for one minute suggesting that you shouldn't legally separate if you are unhappy. what im suggesting is empathy is shown, as for him it must seem akin to the end of his life as he knows it.

    Assuming he refuses to agree to anything voluntarily your only course of action, is to apply for a judicial separation. It does appear that the grounds for applying for this, are very fixed.

    1.Adultery
    2.Unreasonable behaviour
    3.Desertion for a continuous period of one year before the time of the application
    4.Where no normal marital relationship has existed between the spouses for at least one year.

    Your solicitor will have advised you, & you must feel you do meet those criteria? A judicial separation can cover areas like exclusion of a spouse from the family home, custody & access, financial arrangements etc.

    I simply advise that you to go this route to at least consider the impact this can have on him. You married - its a legal contract and without his assent you must legally dissolve it.

    He is not obliged to assent, it is you that are making a change to the legal contract. I have to tell you that if he posted here i would advise him not to move out. He will be at a significant disadvantage if he moves out voluntarily. before any hearing. If he only gets his deposit back, it would seem to be dismissing his contributions in the short time you are in the house and any contribution he might have made in the past, and savings if they exist, and you would also be assuming none of his debts are marital debts.


  • #4
    Jess1
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Jess1


    Hi,
    Thanks for the detailed reply. Believe me, I have and am showing empathy to him.
    I’m not kicking him out of the house but just trying to communicate with him which is going nowhere. I was hoping that we could go down the road of mediation or any other route where we both wouldn’t be screwed financially..

    But it’s looking like I will have no choice. I have tried everything to try and save the marriage but one can only try so hard..
    I’m practically invisible to him but he doesn’t want to separate from me..

    Of course I realise the effect this will have on him but he has acted like a lodger/ stranger for so long.. enough is enough. It’s the complete denial and living in a another world that really gets to me. We have no relationship but he refuses to admit the truth.


  • #5
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,326 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    jimbobjoe71 wrote: »
    If the house is in your name could you not just change the locks?

    It doesn't quite work like that. When married it becomes the family home and he is entitled to a share of it, regardless of the . However to realize that share entails going before a judge and detailing how he has contributed towards the home. Even when he contributed towards the deposit, doesn't just mean he is only entitled to get that back alone.

    Basically Op, you're going to have to push the legal route yourself. You can tell him that it's going to cost him a lot if he's unwilling to mediate but that you're going through with it. In that event, you can tell him that it will cost him more as not only will he have to move out but also pay a significant contribution to you in maintenance to keep the family home for your you and your child and he will only get very little access to his daughter as a result; (as she will largely have to live in her family home with you).

    I'm assuming that as it's your mortgage, you are paying it alone. your only recourse is to get your solicitor to go for proceedings, it's up to him then to get a solicitor or take his chances.


  • #6
    Jess1
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Jess1


    Hello Jimmy,
    I appreciate your advice and at this stage will have to proceed with the legal route. I have tried explaining all of this to him re court, fees, and that the cost will be significantly higher going through the courts but it’s falling on deaf ears...

    He has only start paying toward the mortgage in the last few months.
    This was after the solicitor letter arrived.
    Prior to this he refused to pay it. As he id living here he should be paying it but I will be able to pay it on my own..
    iitdd sa s as ll jut messy but hopefully will get there.


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  • #7
    newman10
    Registered Users Posts: 975 ✭✭✭newman10


    Jess1 wrote: »
    Hello Jimmy,
    I appreciate your advice and at this stage will have to proceed with the legal route. I have tried explaining all of this to him re court, fees, and that the cost will be significantly higher going through the courts but it’s falling on deaf ears...

    He has only start paying toward the mortgage in the last few months.
    This was after the solicitor letter arrived.
    Prior to this he refused to pay it. As he id living here he should be paying it but I will be able to pay it on my own..
    iitdd sa s as ll jut messy but hopefully will get there.

    And before you moved, did he pay the mortgage or why did you move if your marriage was in trouble


  • #8
    Jess1
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Jess1


    We were renting before we moved. Yes he paid rent before..
    I foolishly thought that a move might mean a fresh start but it was anything but!


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