Can't get over abortion

LegacyUser · 15-07-2012 6:39pm #1

I had an abortion at 8 weeks, because I am still in college, was not in a long term relationship with the father and wanted better than that for my child. Logic is telling me that I did the right thing (I know some people might not agree), but the guilt will not leave me.
A family member is pregnant, and is due in a matter of days. My due date would have been in 3 weeks time.

I am terrified of this baby being born. I simply don't know how i will react. I don't want to look at this baby and see the one I killed. I don't want to associate it with guilt because i'm supposed to be delighted that my family member is having a baby.

Has anybody gone through something similar to this? And if so, how do i deal with this? I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I wish I never made my decision, if i could go back I would decide differently. But I can't, so if anybody knows how to deal with this, or any personal experiences that would be great.

LifesgoodwithLG · 15-07-2012 11:36pm

Hi there,

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time, While I haven't been in your situation to offer you personal advice, some people close to me have contacted Rachels Vineyard which has helped them to come to terms with their abortion http://www.rachelsvineyard.ie/.

I truely hope that you are okay and are receiving support,

Absolute best wishes,

The Princess Bride · 15-07-2012 11:38pm

Op-I could cry for you.

My best friend had a similar story many years ago,it was her sister who was pregnant.There wasn't much I could do to help,just to be there for her,and I was.

The best advice any of us here can give you,is to speak with an experienced counsellor,asap.
And if you have a close friend who knows about the abortion,maybe you can confide in them?
Try and take small steps,this will be huge for you,so do it at your pace.

Take care you.

Ickle Magoo · 15-07-2012 11:50pm

I'd agree with msthe80, I don't think internet strangers are in the best position to help you deal with this, I think you need to see a trained counsellor and explore all your feelings there and hopefully get some kind of closure.

Guilt, grief, rationalization, compartmentalization - we all do it differently. Given you are in college and this is really affecting your life, I think it's something best done with someone who is trained to help.

You might find info/services at PACT useful.

All the very best, OP.

Morag · 15-07-2012 11:51pm

I wouldn't contact Rachels Vineyard as they are a pro life group.

I would contact the ifpa or the well woman's centre to find out about post abortion counselling.

Being upset in the run up to what would have been your due date, is normal.
Yes for you it's compounded by the fact a family memeber is having a baby and you will have mixed emotions, it's normal. Chances are you will have the same happen when it's been a year from your abortion.

If you think counselling will help then get some, if you have people in your life who know and can be there to support you, then reach out and talk to them.

You won't look at the baby and see the one you chose not to have, as it is not the same baby, the genetics are completely different.

It is normal to know you made the right choice and still feel sad about the path not taken, it will pass over time.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2012 12:07am

I was in a very similar situation to you 8 years ago. I also had an abortion at 8 weeks in similar circumstances to yours, then my best friend announced she was pregnant 3 weeks later. We would have been due the same week.

I found it really hard to deal with at first, as I took at is a big sign that I'd did the wrong thing as our 2 children should have grown up together and been best friends. Then after a while I started to look at it differently, as my friend's child would have had 2 parents and the best of everything with a happy family, whereas I was up to my neck in debt, no partner, no decent job or the means to bring up a child. It just highlighted to me how I was really in no position to have a child, and how my friend's child would have had the life it deserved, but mine would have had a life of struggle and being deprived.

I hope you start feeling better about it all soon OP.

jellygems · 16-07-2012 11:02am

Yes I knw exactly how your feeling, I had an abortion on the 9th of June 2011 at 11 weeks. I have spent the last year tormenting myself. My behavior has been off the wall, Ive been consumed with guilt, I needed forgiveness from someone who couldnt give it to but I hope I learnt to give it to myself cos self destruct isnt good.

What your feeling is normal, maybe get some counseling. I know Im not allow say this but if you need someone to talk to that understands Im here.

How did I deal with it, tbh I drank alot, and one day woke up and hated the person Id become so decided to go to counseling and hopefully it will help me find myself again.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2012 12:39pm

Thanks for all your replys, they really helped. I guess I needed somebody to normalise it for me, because I do feel that i'm cracking up sometimes. I will think about counselling - It will take a bit of effort though as i'm a very private person. My sister (shes my best friend) knows about it, but we don't talk about it, and my family refuse to talk about it, even when i bring up the subject. Maybe i'll try talking to my sister more, she knows that its gonna get tough when this baby comes - but I will have to be brave and look at it at the point of view that I did my first motherly duty and put my baby's needs first, because I wouldn't have been able to meet any more needs if I had of made the other decision. Bleuch. Thanks guys, will look into the counselling xx

Katgurl · 16-07-2012 9:26pm

Hi OP,

Big hugs to you, I had a similar experience, its a decade ago now. I remember it as a really sad period of my life.

First of all, whatever you are feeling is fine. Some people find abortion more traumatic than others. Personally, I took it very badly. I felt I'd never be the same person I'd been before, that I was rotting inside. I was filled with regret. The same as yourself, while I knew practically it made sense, I wished I hadn't done it.

My honest advice is to first accept that you regret it. Constantly denying that (at least a part of) you regret it will just add to your internal chaos.

Secondly, just because you regret it now doesn't mean you will forever or that it was the wrong decision. I never thought I'd feel better but I do.

Therapy helps. Give it a go.

Explain to your sister that you are worried you are going to find the birth of the baby hard. If she doesnt at least try to understand then I'm sorry but you are going to have to put yourself first.

Accept that you will feel better with time. As I said above I thought I never would but I do - completely & utterly. For the first few years, I was obsessed with my due date / abortion date, things like that. I put a plant in the garden, I tried to grieve my loss, I went to two different types of therapy. I let time do its magic.

I don't know which of the above helped or maybe it was a combo but don't try and underestimate your own trauma. Do whatever it takes to get over this and a huge part of that is just giving it time.

It doesnt help when other people's judgement is loaded onto your already conflicting mass of emotions so when you encounter it just think firmly to yourself "they were not in my situation, it is not my job to educate them, it was my decision & mine alone, i don't need to justify it to anyone". You have enough to deal with so be selfish here.

You will get over it. You are going through a really really difficult time but it'll pass. In the grander scheme of things it's been no time at all so give yourself a chance.

Take big care of yourself.

blacklilly · 16-07-2012 10:56pm

Hi op,

There are many post abortion counselling facilities available ( some are pro life organisations and some are pro choice organisations)so it is probably your best option. Most have web sites where you can get an understanding of what they offer and what best suits you.
You are not alone in the way you feel and as another poster said just try to accept the way you are currently feeling. With time you will feel better and talking helps .
I've friends that have been through this and they were feeling just like you are now, things will get better. I hope you feel better soon

snafuk35 · 17-07-2012 12:58pm

date wrote: »

I had an abortion at 8 weeks, because I am still in college, was not in a long term relationship with the father and wanted better than that for my child. Logic is telling me that I did the right thing (I know some people might not agree), but the guilt will not leave me.
A family member is pregnant, and is due in a matter of days. My due date would have been in 3 weeks time.

I am terrified of this baby being born. I simply don't know how i will react. I don't want to look at this baby and see the one I killed. I don't want to associate it with guilt because i'm supposed to be delighted that my family member is having a baby.

Has anybody gone through something similar to this? And if so, how do i deal with this? I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I wish I never made my decision, if i could go back I would decide differently. But I can't, so if anybody knows how to deal with this, or any personal experiences that would be great.

You did what you had to do at the time.
You had to make a decision which was life changing either way.
You couldn't cope and an abortion is what you chose as the best option for you.
I suppose the closest thing to it is war.
A soldier will have to kill another person who is trying to kill him and this person is not someone he hates or has done anything to him personally.
It is a situation where it is life or death.
You were faced with the option of giving up college and bringing up a child you never wanted and the father was not in a long term relationship.
You faced having your whole life destroyed and perhaps the life of your child too.
That doesn't make you feel any better and every time you see a baby it reminds you of what happened.
BUT you did what you had to do.
I would suggest you talk to a counseller who is non-judgemental and you can open up and talk about how you feel with a person with a sympathetic ear.
Life is hard and we all have to make hard decisions but none is more serious than this.
You felt your future was in jeopardy and you did what you had to do.
It's not your fault. It is nobody's fault. It was just how things were.
I wish you all the best and I hope you meet someone nice and you have children in the future who you can care and love for.

LegacyUser · 20-07-2012 4:18am

I never had an abortion myself but I believe it is a woman right to choose this.
I had a friend a few years ago and we got chatting about this. She told me she went to England with a friend who had an abortion a few years previously. She told me my friend made the right choice for her as her boyfriend at the time was treating her badly and if she had a baby things would have got worse for her.
You have nothing to be guilt about as you made the correct decision for you at the time.
I would seek counselling from the ifpa as it will help you cope better with things.
I would not tell to many people what you did as some people out there will give you a hard time when they have no idea how they would cope in your position.

LegacyUser · 20-07-2012 6:10am

I could hug you guys.
Thank you. I think I really needed somebody to tell me that this is normal. And I will look into counselling. Thanks again xx

snafuk35 · 20-07-2012 3:18pm

Date wrote: »

I could hug you guys.
Thank you. I think I really needed somebody to tell me that this is normal. And I will look into counselling. Thanks again xx

Best of luck.

ananas · 21-07-2012 2:35am

I'm sure that the counselling will help you and help you realise that you did the right thing for you at that time in your life. Once you work through your feelings with the counsellor, you'll feel better about yourself and your decision. Best of luck xx

eviltwin · 22-07-2012 2:58pm

I second Sharrow on Rachels Vineyard, they are pro-life and have a religious ethos which doesn't suit everyone, saying that I know one girl who has gone and found it really helpful but its seems to be all about asking for forgiveness which is not something I agree with at all.

I had an abortion myself a few years ago, the first year leading up to what would have been the due date is hard, it is like a watershed when you get past it though so hold on to that.

I don't have experience of knowing someone who had a baby at the same time but I did get pregnant again 4 months after my abortion. I have a 2 yr old son now and I was worried sick I would always see in him the child I didn't keep but it hasn't happened.

If you are in the Dublin area I am involved in a post abortion support group that meets once a month. We are non agenda and come from all walks of life. If that isn't suitable there is an amazing website called passboards.org - its an after abortion support board and has an online counselling service which is excellent.

You will always have this in your life and while you might feel you will never get past it you will, I look at myself in the months after my abortion and look at the person I am now and I feel really proud of the progress I have made. Its made me a stronger person. It didn't destroy me, in fact its been the making of me in some ways. Just remember you will too come out the other side xx

iguana · 22-07-2012 7:32pm

Date wrote: »

I could hug you guys.
Thank you. I think I really needed somebody to tell me that this is normal. And I will look into counselling. Thanks again xx

Of course what you are feeling is normal. Whenever anyone makes a big decision it's normal to have doubts or regrets. Your decision was obviously a huge deal for you, you gave it a lot of thought and I'm sure you went through all possible scenarios in your head so it's not that surprising that the road not travelled plays out in your head and you have doubts.

To make matters even harder for you, you live in a country which doesn't really respect your decision. Instead of being able to seek help locally and choose the best time for you emotionally, you were in a position of having to arrange a trip abroad and have the procedure inside a short time frame based on the practicalities of travelling. Then you had to travel back at a time when ideally you should have been able to find a more relaxed way to find peace with any doubts that you might have been feeling. Any negative feelings you have about the abortion are very likely to have been compounded by not being able to have more control over how and when it happened.

You also lost out on the automatically available post-abortion support system that you would have had if you lived in a country where they are routinely offered to women following the procedure. And depending on where you are in the country now you may unfortunately be being influenced by a rather horrible advertising campaign designed to make women who have made the choice you have, feel like crap by telling lies while pretending concern. All of this plays into how you are feeling now, and I'm glad you are going to look into counselling because I think that if nothing else it will let you know that there isn't anything at all wrong with how you feel.

hattoncracker · 22-07-2012 10:27pm

date wrote: »

I had an abortion at 8 weeks, because I am still in college, was not in a long term relationship with the father and wanted better than that for my child. Logic is telling me that I did the right thing (I know some people might not agree), but the guilt will not leave me.
A family member is pregnant, and is due in a matter of days. My due date would have been in 3 weeks time.

I am terrified of this baby being born. I simply don't know how i will react. I don't want to look at this baby and see the one I killed. I don't want to associate it with guilt because i'm supposed to be delighted that my family member is having a baby.

Has anybody gone through something similar to this? And if so, how do i deal with this? I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I wish I never made my decision, if i could go back I would decide differently. But I can't, so if anybody knows how to deal with this, or any personal experiences that would be great.

OP I've been where you are I've just come past the first year and the weeks up to and after my due date were hell.. I have had counselling recently and it's helped loads, they gave me counselling on grief but they were church funded and what they were saying wasn't helping so I switched and now have found someone else.. I had such a fear of going to a gp here that even when I had menstrual problems after I only went last week to get it sorted, and I changed doctors.

I thought I was the only one who felt the way you do.. Youre not alone... I've spoken to a few women on here and that helped too... I think when you realise that, it helps a lot..

Hugs, it gets easier..

Can't get over abortion

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