The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Loafing Oaf · 10-08-2017 10:02am

How many addiction counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

bonzodog2 · 10-08-2017 12:42pm

Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart

And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "

blueser · 10-08-2017 7:45pm

Poor Glen Campbell....He was getting cards and letters from people he didn't even know.

blueser · 10-08-2017 7:49pm

In his early days Glen Campbell used to assist the referees at football games in Derby.
He was a ' linesman for the County'.

coolhull · 13-08-2017 12:37pm

I heard 'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft...

Capt'n Midnight · 13-08-2017 4:39pm

Instead of shaving your head try the new viagra eyedrops.

They make you look hard.

Loafing Oaf · 13-08-2017 4:53pm

While we're on the subject:

More of an accurate observation than a 'joke' I suppose...

MonkieSocks · 13-08-2017 5:19pm

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said,

"What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered,

"Let me tell you sumsing, lady.
I vasn't staring at you, like you tink;
det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded,

"Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking................. and I am looking......................... and I am tinking to myself,

'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis Taxi Fare?

glynf · 16-08-2017 9:04pm

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, and the barman gives her one.

the_pen_turner · 18-08-2017 11:59am

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

the_pen_turner · 18-08-2017 12:00pm

A woman passed her daughter's room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked why??
The daughter replied: mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone.
Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.
To his query,the daughter
again said: dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.
A couple days later, the wife came home from
shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.
On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: What the **** are you doing?
The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law.

Fabritzo · 18-08-2017 1:43pm

I've started dating a woman who works at the local abattoir,
she's a stunner!!!

bonzodog2 · 18-08-2017 1:46pm

What do you call a lady meteorologist on an overcast day?

Claudia

Loafing Oaf · 20-08-2017 8:28pm

In response to the late Paidi O'Se's notorious comments about Kerry football people, the head of the Kerry gaa supporters association said his members were not "f**king animals," they were just good friends with them.

Mahony0509 · 20-08-2017 9:07pm

In Trinidad and Tobago, a pie costs $2.50, while in Jamaica they cost $3.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 20-08-2017 9:12pm

Mahony0509 wrote: »

In Trinidad and Tobago, a pie costs $2.50, while in Jamaica they cost $3.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

Post #71 tells it better.

[Deleted User] · 21-08-2017 7:57am

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire.

Here’s her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon
to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus

Capt'n Midnight · 21-08-2017 9:10pm

I Once was in love with a librarian but.. she could read me like a book

branie2 · 21-08-2017 9:21pm

When is it bad luck when a black cat crosses your path?

When you're a mouse.

Miss Demeanour · 22-08-2017 8:45am

My dad has been ill recently. The doctor advised that applying grease to his back a few times a day may help his symptoms. He seemed to go downhill fast after that.

Loafing Oaf · 22-08-2017 9:35am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

I Once was in love with a librarian but.. she could read me like a book

Reminds me: My girlfriend is a tennis player - love means nothing to her.

Stigura · 22-08-2017 12:40pm

I had a blow up doll for a girlfriend. But ..........

I let her down

chewed · 22-08-2017 12:46pm

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

What’s the point?

Loafing Oaf · 22-08-2017 1:08pm

chewed wrote: »

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.

What’s the point?

Already posted this in GoT Funny thread but couldn't resist:D:

donegal. · 22-08-2017 1:18pm

trumps nothing like Hitler.
There's no way he could write a book.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

a few from the edinburgh fringe.

branie2 · 22-08-2017 1:58pm

Atheists have set up a dial-a-prayer line

When you ring, nobody answers

branie2 · 22-08-2017 3:32pm

Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond

RayCon · 22-08-2017 3:45pm

From Edinburgh fringe: "Insomnia is a complete bastard ... but on the plus side - only 3 sleeps til Christmas"

Capt'n Midnight · 22-08-2017 6:51pm

donegal. wrote: »

trumps nothing like Hitler.
There's no way he could write a book.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

a few from the edinburgh fringe.

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

Bonus
The reason that the new pound coin has twelve sides is so you can use a spanner to unscrew it from an Aberdonian's hand.

GBX · 22-08-2017 7:15pm

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani school..

I don't know I just fly the drone.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments