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Abuse

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  • 21-09-2020 9:54am
    #1
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭


    Do individuals not realise or recognise behaviors they are the recipient of in a relationship is abusive, younger people have grown up with a lot of education, access to social media, and access to information for example https://spunout.ie. There is a lot resources explaining what abuse is.

    Its not about physical abuse which most people do recognise as abuse.


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    #2
    Man with broke phone
    Registered Users Posts: 1,201 ✭✭✭Man with broke phone


    Are you blaming victims of abuse for not realising they are being abused?


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    #3
    begbysback
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,910 ✭✭✭begbysback


    After Hours 10am on a Monday morning?


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    #4
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I take it you're talking about emotional abuse. Its not that easy to recognise, especially if you've grown up in a home where its the norm, it makes you more vulnerable and abusers are great at recognising that.

    Abuse is insidious. Its often something that can start really small and minor and gradually builds over time. There's grown adults in relationships who can't recognise or get out of these types of relationships, how can you expect a young person to be any better at recognising it?


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    #5
    Kintarō Hattori
    Registered Users Posts: 14,964 ✭✭✭✭Kintarō Hattori


    You might need to give more information OP. Your post is quite vague.


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    #6
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Man with broke phone wrote: »
    Are you blaming victims of abuse for not realising they are being abused?

    No not at all, I am wondering I suppose why they do not recognise it as abuse.


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    #7
    Man with broke phone
    Registered Users Posts: 1,201 ✭✭✭Man with broke phone


    mariaalice wrote: »
    No not at all, I am wondering I suppose why they do not recognise it as abuse.

    Because the abuser makes them believe they deserve it.


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    #8
    Calahonda52
    Registered Users Posts: 12,193 ✭✭✭✭Calahonda52


    What is education other than a social construct?

    IIRC some education promotes FMG

    Access to SM has not helped in this area in the main

    Resources about abuse come with a political/social/historical bias

    “I can’t pay my staff or mortgage with instagram likes”.



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    #9
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I'm trying desperately to understand what you mean.

    Are you asking why people don't realise they are being emotionally manipulated because they should know better because of websites like Spunout?

    If that is indeed your premise, then I would suggest you haven't a clue what emotional abuse is or how it is carried out.


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    #10
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Kintarō Hattori wrote: »
    You might need to give more information OP. Your post is quite vague.

    Young people in a relationship, giving their boyfriend or girlfriend passwords so they can check their contact and see who they contact online at some level particularly with access to all the information we have now, do they not realise this might not be what happens in a normal relationship and a groce invasion of privacy.

    I know its a complex area and the role of ready available information I find interesting but somehow the person can not see it applying to themselves

    Maybe information is not enough its need life expierence to reconsise what is and what is not abuse?


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    #11
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I'm trying desperately to understand what you mean.

    Are you asking why people don't realise they are being emotionally manipulated because they should know better because of websites like Spunout?

    If that is indeed your premise, then I would suggest you haven't a clue what emotional abuse is or how it is carried out.

    Genuinely as well as sex education should young people give education about relationships about relationships which would cover things like abuse and what is abuse and what is not abuse in an intimate relationship.


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    #12
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    Its a hugely complex question.

    Take a well rounded confident individual, lock them in a house with an abuser, and they may well recognise immediately that they are being abused.

    Take someone with a background of being abused, learning survival and coping mechanisms, lock them in a house with an abuser and they will revert straight to trying to protect themselves.

    But no one gets suddenly locked into an abusive relationship. Its the Frog in Boiling Water example. You throw a frog into hot water, he will jump out immediately. Put him in cold water and heat it and he will stay a lot longer than he should.

    Abusers pick victims, they dont start out showing their true colours. They use abusive tactics over time, isolation, making the victim think they deserve it, they normalise it. Denial is very strong, and so is fear.

    I come from an abusive background and I would run a mile from a drinker or anything related to alcoholic abuse. But I have been in abusive relationships since that I did not realise were abusive because it was a different type of abuse.


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    #13
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    mariaalice wrote: »
    Young people in a relationship, giving their boyfriend or girlfriend passwords so they can check their contact and see who they contact online at some level particularly with access to all the information we have now, do they not realise this might not be what happens in a normal relationship and a groce invasion of privacy.

    I know its a complex area and the role of ready available information I find interesting but somehow the person can not see it applying to themselves

    Maybe information is not enough its need life expierence to reconsise what is and what is not abuse?

    That's not always abusive though and that's the problem. Its about context. Lots of people have access to their partners email or social media but don't misuse it. Others do. So its not the act itself that is abusive its the power and control behind it.

    All you have to do is look at the personal issues page, there are lots of posts there about things that someone has experienced from their partner and they are asking if its abuse, some replies say yes and some say no. Its impossible to tell. Sometimes you end up thinking the poster is over sensitive or looking to self sabotage the relationship by seeing problems where none exist....that's how abusers are able to get away with it.


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    #14
    humberklog
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 10,406 Mod ✭✭✭✭humberklog


    mariaalice wrote: »
    Genuinely as well as sex education should young people give education about relationships about relationships which would cover things like abuse and what is abuse and what is not abuse in an intimate relationship.

    But the education is there. It's called life. People experience all sorts of behaviours in life and most learn from that. And that's good enough.


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    #15
    ranto_boy
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭ranto_boy


    Spunout.ie gets massive funding from the government, in six figure range per year. Must be big right? Well check out their Twitter page, tweets get around 2 or 3 interactions. There's no one actually engaging with it. It's a nice scam and a perfect example of the cushy bs that the Irish government throws money at.


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    #16
    Phoenix32
    Registered Users Posts: 323 ✭✭Phoenix32


    They turn everything you accuse them of around and accuse you of it. They project. They tell you you're crazy or they make you feel crazy for being upset or feeling abused in any way. They make you question your own reality and your sanity. They make you believe you are the one at fault. That's not something reading a webpage about abuse can easily undo.


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    #17
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    That sort of thing thrives on ambiguity so there is definitely a role for a clear and unambiguous education to teenagers about what is abuse and what is not abuse in an intimate relationship.


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    #18
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    mariaalice wrote: »
    That sort of thing thrives on ambiguity so there is definitely a role for a clear and unambiguous education to teenagers about what is abuse and what is not abuse in an intimate relationship.

    What may be abusive in one relationship may not be in another. Its not black and white.


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    #19
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    ranto_boy wrote: »
    Spunout.ie gets massive funding from the government, in six figure range per year. Must be big right? Well check out their Twitter page, tweets get around 2 or 3 interactions. There's no one actually engaging with it. It's a nice scam and a perfect example of the cushy bs that the Irish government throws money at.

    How would you get the education across to teenagers and young people?


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    #20
    ranto_boy
    Registered Users Posts: 100 ✭✭ranto_boy


    mariaalice wrote: »
    How would you get the education across to teenagers and young people?

    I'm not sure what's that has to do with the price of eggs.


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    #21
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    mariaalice wrote: »
    How would you get the education across to teenagers and young people?

    Therapy - therapy for everyone, through their teenage years.


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    #22
    Kylta
    Registered Users Posts: 15,457 ✭✭✭✭Kylta


    Why does everybody need therapy in their teenage years? As there all individuals leading individual lives with all different circumstances, not everybody is emotionally abused. Life is never the same for the majority of people at any time. And I would think that if therapy was given to all teenagers they would be the first to complain about being objectified.
    I think Emotional abuse in a relationship only lasts as long as the emotionally abused person is willing to put up with it.


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    #23
    mariaalice
    Registered Users Posts: 12,363 ✭✭✭✭mariaalice


    Kylta wrote: »
    Why does everybody need therapy in their teenage years? As there all individuals leading individual lives with all different circumstances, not everybody is emotionally abused. Life is never the same for the majority of people at any time. And I would think that if therapy was given to all teenagers they would be the first to complain about being objectified.
    I think Emotional abuse in a relationship only lasts as long as the emotionally abused person is willing to put up with it.

    Therapy for every teen is a bit far fetched alright


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    #24
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    mariaalice wrote: »
    Therapy for every teen is a bit far fetched alright

    Why? One hour per week on the school curriculum. You asked how best to get the message across.

    Therapy can benefit everyone - even those not suffering emotional abuse.


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    #25
    Earthhorse
    Registered Users Posts: 14,715 ✭✭✭✭Earthhorse


    I don't know about therapy but perhaps some education on warning signs of abuse would be of benefit. Yes, it's true sometimes a red flag isn't an actual red flag but knowing the red flags will allow people not feel paranoid about it when they feel something's wrong with the way they're being treated.

    But it's obviously more complex than this because a lot of it is to do with the confidence to walk away from these relationships.


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    #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I wonder if abusers always recognise what they are doing as abuse too? We think of education as benefiting and empowering the abused. I wonder if it might potentially prevent some abuse happening in the first place too?


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    #27
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I take it you're talking about emotional abuse. Its not that easy to recognise, especially if you've grown up in a home where its the norm, it makes you more vulnerable and abusers are great at recognising that.

    Abuse is insidious. Its often something that can start really small and minor and gradually builds over time. There's grown adults in relationships who can't recognise or get out of these types of relationships, how can you expect a young person to be any better at recognising it?

    Indeed, if you've grown up in a home being the scapegoat your boundaries are already weak to non-existent and you are 100% correct in saying abusers can spot that a mile away.


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    #28
    Mrsmum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Mrsmum


    Abusers always make their victims carry the shame that belongs alone to the abuser. In that way they isolate them from reaching out for help.


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    #29
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I wonder if abusers always recognise what they are doing as abuse too? We think of education as benefiting and empowering the abused. I wonder if it might potentially prevent some abuse happening in the first place too?

    100% agree.

    Learned behaviours are so ingrained people act without thinking. In some cases this means taking on the role of the abuser without "intending" it to be this way.


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    #30
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    Indeed, if you've grown up in a home being the scapegoat your boundaries are already weak to non-existent and you are 100% correct in saying abusers can spot that a mile away.

    Its like magnetic attraction - or how it was explained to me - like doing a dance with someone that knows all the same moves you do.

    An abusee meets an abuser and they BOTH feel comfortable and familiar in the dance moves because its how they both learned how to behave at a young age.


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    #31
    Mrsmum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Mrsmum


    hayoc wrote: »
    100% agree.

    Learned behaviours are so ingrained people act without thinking. In some cases this means taking on the role of the abuser without "intending" it to be this way.

    100% disagree with this.
    I think abusers intend very much everything they do.


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