The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 24-10-2020 7:39pm

New Home wrote: »

How do we know you haven't done that to yourself, Chuck?

Hmmm yes there's only one person could teleport behind Chuck and do that.

And only the true messiah would deny his divinity so what sort of chance does that give me?

el_gaucho · 25-10-2020 8:05pm

Chuck Norris got Corona virus. The virus is still in quarantine.

Superman got Chuck Norris pyjamas for Christmas.

byrner88 · 25-10-2020 10:42pm

I was sitting in traffic earlier

When suddenly I got run over by a car

sligojoek · 26-10-2020 12:32am

byrner88 wrote: »

I was sitting in traffic earlier

When suddenly I got run over by a car

Let me guess. Chuck Norris was driving it

IrishZeus · 26-10-2020 10:10am

sligojoek wrote: »

Let me guess. Chuck Norris was driving it

Don’t be silly. Chuck Norris doesn’t drive.

His destinations come to him.

Oscar1978 · 26-10-2020 9:36pm

Yo momma so fat that when she fell down the stairs everyone thought Eastenders was over.

Yo momma so fat that the horse on her Ralph Lauren top is a real horse.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-10-2020 9:58pm

Yo mamma so fat she uses a boomerang to put on her belt.

COVID · 26-10-2020 10:07pm

Yo mama so fat, she's got type 2 Diabetes, Dyslipidemia, Osteoarthritis and has severe difficulty breathing.

That'll be €60, please.

Oscar1978 · 26-10-2020 11:23pm

Yo momma so fat that when she died she broke the stair way to heaven.

COVID · 27-10-2020 12:19am

Yo momma so fat that when she moves her ass she has to make two trips.

el_gaucho · 29-10-2020 8:25am

Yo momma so fat she’s on both sides of the family.

frag420 · 29-10-2020 9:08am

Yo mamma so fat her blood type is gravy!!!

Yo momma so far that when she sit down she sit down beside everybody!!

29-10-2020 5:39pm

My computer said “press any button to continue”, so I pressed the power button, and the whole thing turned off.

Something is seriously wrong with that software.

Capt'n Midnight · 29-10-2020 7:42pm

Does this look like the power switch ?

Capt'n Midnight · 29-10-2020 8:16pm

I went on this household budgeting website to find out how much I should expect to spend per week on feeding my family.

Put all our details in, and it returned the answer: £0.00.

Turns out it was a Conservative estimate.

Capt'n Midnight · 29-10-2020 8:17pm

Apparently, if you can taste paper or cardboard you have the dreaded Covid-19.

Well, I must apologise to my wife for all the insults of her rather bland cooking, it seems I've had this virus for forty three years.

TheBody · 29-10-2020 8:54pm

Had my prostate examination recently.
The doctor gave me the thumbs up.

06-11-2020 10:37am

Just got back from my local Tesco. I saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and three sombreros.
I thought to myself.....

Hispanic buying.

Capt'n Midnight · 09-11-2020 8:02pm

An old man walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine replied, "Sir, President Trump is no longer in office. He doesn't live here anymore."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, "Sir, as I said yesterday, President Trump is no longer in office and doesn't live here anymore."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The next day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to President Trump. I've told you already that he is no longer in office. He's never coming back. Don't you understand?"

The old veteran answered him, "Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow, sir!"

RobMc59 · 14-11-2020 1:15pm

An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub..

Those were the days...

14-11-2020 2:28pm

^^^^^

A proper lol joke - nice one

donegal_man · 14-11-2020 10:46pm

Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance.
The first one shoots about a meter too high.
The second one, about a meter too low.
The third one yells, “We got it!”

15-11-2020 11:58am

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
"But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!

Capt'n Midnight · 15-11-2020 3:46pm

They say chameleon’s blend in well, but this smoothie tastes terrible.

Capt'n Midnight · 15-11-2020 3:47pm

"So, can you tell me when I'm going to die?" I asked the fortune teller.

"Yes," she replied, glancing nervously at her crystal ball. "Cash in advance, please."

blueser · 15-11-2020 8:04pm

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI.

everlast75 · 16-11-2020 2:31pm

I used have a great job at a cats' home.

Unfortunately, I had to leave...

They reduced meowers

blueser · 16-11-2020 2:43pm

16-11-2020 3:04pm

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Surely, this year they're wearing cloth condoms!

foxy farmer · 16-11-2020 3:30pm

Paddy and Mick grew up together. They decided to head to the UK for the craic and maybe find a bit of work.
After a few weeks Mick got a job as a plumber and Paddy went training in the Army. On one particular day Paddy was up on a plane getting ready for his first solo parachute jump.
"Run out the door shout Geronimo and pull the rip cord" the instructor told him. His turn came ran out the door of the plane Geronimo and pulled the ripcord but his chute didnt open. Pulled it harder but no good.
As he was free falling he saw a bright flash on the ground and something appeared to be approaching him from the ground at speed.
As it approached it appeared to be a man. It was Mick.
"Jaysus Mick do ya know anything about parachutes?" Paddy shouted.
"Not a bloody thing." Mick replied as they passed each other. "Do you know anything about gas boilers?"

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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