End of the tether helping friend

My best friend (who I run a business with) is in a domestic abuse situation, mostly verbal but has been occasionally physical in the past.

He is in his 40s, they married in their late teens, and are 25 years married. There are 2 children involved.

My friends problems came to light in the past 3 years, when he started binge drinking on a regular basis. We always enjoyed a few pints together, we've been friends for years, but he took it to a new level suddenly which I thought was odd in a man of 40.

I know his children well and less so his wife, who would go to her bedroom and remain there when my family visited with his. This happened a few times per year. Christmas. Birthdays.

I knew they had a turbulent relationship but thought he enjoyed it that way.

The drinking became an issue with work. I confronted him and gradually everything came out. I saw his life through new eyes. And past interactions in his household began to haunt me. I felt utterly stupid for not seeing it, like I had let him down.

Things escalated in the past 3 years. She's had a separate bedroom for 10 years, they are strangers in the same house who occasionally get along.

Her abuse is emotional mostly. She laughed to his friends behind his back at a birthday party last year at how easily manipulated he is and how she can make him do anything by just snapping her fingers, as he is afraid of her, she laughed at how she had recently made him rip down walls and restructure their entire house because she spontaneously wanted it done, and knew he would do it.

She constantly quips to the kids that daddy is stupid, lazy, fat, an alcoholic, boring, she tells them he has no friends.

The silent treatment lasts for months at a time, to my relief as I think he is safer mentally then. It always comes after she has done something utterly horrible, such as thrown items in the kitchen at him out of nowhere, and he is left feeling thankful when she finally talks to him again. He forgets or chooses to overlook the original incident, which is frustrating for me after spending hours talking him through it and reassuring him that he's not crazy and what she's doing is wrong.

The same pattern occurs over and over. When their relationship is at its best, she will give him sex in return for demanding he do some huge job around the house the next day. She had a separate bedroom, there is no affection except for sex a handful of times per year, and he is thankful for this. He takes this as forgiveness, as her wanting to love and be close to him again.


I sometimes take the kids to play with mine, always inviting both parents, and the 10 year old tells me "I wish daddy was allowed to come too but mom said she will kill him and he will never be allowed to go out again so he has to stay home" and other similar stories. It breaks my heart that 2 beautiful children are growing up with this, and seeing their wonderful kind father as some kind of weak buffoon.

My friend is the kindest, most capable, intelligent, fun, helpful person there is. He has helped me constantly in the past when I went through bad times and i hate to see this happening but I'm at the point of no longer being able to support.

He has told me again last week that the only thing he wants is a friend in his marriage. I remind him that I am his friend, but he is looking for a spouse friend. He says he is willing to accept a sexless marriage and one without affection, but he would love to be able to talk to someone outside of work. His life now is silence at home, or being shouted at. His kids mostly hide in their rooms. Their mother has physically beaten them on several occasions using a belt, and they were rescued by their father, who took the abuse, but they still see her as some kind of queen.

His wife has no friends. Not a single one. She only speaks to her mother and sister who live far away. She works and is smiley and friendly to all she meets and assumed to be kind and beautiful, she is very good looking and has sailed through life based on her looks.

Meanwhile her husband has gained a lot of weight in recent years and most definitely will drink himself to death if given the chance.

Earlier this year, he almost left her. He slept in his car for a week, I begged him to take a spare room in my house but i think that made it too real. In the end, she got one of the children to tell him to come home as a pipe was leaking and they couldn't use the shower. She gave him the silent treatment for a number of months, then slept with him once and everything was perfect. He talked about her like she was the most amazing woman on earth. Every conversation involved her in some way, things she saw or did, like a teenager with a crush.

Last week, after 2 weeks of silence, it looked like finally he would walk out. He was making plans. I listened, I supported, i never pushed. He was looking at rental houses, she had set him up to look like a fool in front of his friends 2 weeks earlier. Unfortunately our circle of friends laughed at him, thinking his wife is hilarious. He went silent this time. She made effort for a few days to be his friend and then she went silent on the day he decided to make effort again. This made him even more upset. By last Wednesday, he could see it all clearly. She was an evil manipulative bitch. She didn't care about anyone other than herself. He was irrelevant in her life. He would leave and never see her again. They were.supposed to attend an event on Friday night for her friend. He was looking forward to her going alone and seeing how life would be at 3.55pm.

Then, she out of the blue sent him a voice message saying she needed help, her car was broken down. (His beloved car which he spent years restoring, and she then took it from him and he has since had to cycle while the car sits outside their house waiting for her to use it)

And in that split second that he hears the voice message, everything changed. He had to rush out of work to help her.
I gently tried to remind him of what he was saying 5 minutes earlier but i was the bad guy, and told to back off.

This morning, I am again the bad guy.

He has spent the weekend doing very big work for her in the house and clothes shopping with her, and she is back to sainthood. She had one job she was meant to do for our company, which has been dropped back to my lap this morning. When I kindly questioned why she wasn't doing it, my friend told me to stop constantly being down on her and mind my own business - His reaction was absurd and the question was perfectly valid.

I know he will apologise later for his reaction, it's not the first time. But I'm left feeling drained and disheartened.

I know this relationship will kill him. I can see clearly he has spent the whole weekend drinking whiskey. He has worked out that if he wants to get along with her, he needs to drink his way through their time spent together. When they're not talking, he's sober. He has high blood pressure and isn't taking his medication. He has always had depression but for the past 3 years, he's been dangerously low on a.regular basis. I know in my heart he is walking a line, and this will be the death of him. He deserves to be treated like a king, but his self esteem is so low he only wants to not be abused for a few hours every now and then.

Sadly he doesn't have a hope of surviving on his own either, I believe. He's too far gone. He his utterly without hope.

I should point out his family (parents and siblings) became distant from him over 20 years ago. There was no falling out. They ring him occasionally and he rings them regularly but they visited once in the past 15 years. He visits his parents once a year, they live far away. It's likely they were aware of the abuse long before anyone else.

He has no friends left, due to never being able to meet up or talk. The original circle of friends are still there, but there's no closeness or deep chat, just football and beer, and he no longer gets to attend our meetups.

I am his one and only true friend or confidant. He has never spoken to anyone else about any of it. He barely speaks to anyone about anything anymore.

And that's why I feel like I need to be there still in some capacity, but I'm finding it harder. It's beginning to drain on me. I felt so disheartened on Friday night, and worried about his mental health given his instant switch from anger to happy he was needed.

At this moment, I feel I need to step away and keep our connection as work only, but i know my friend needs a friend more than anything in the world. How am I supposed to stand by and watch this unravel without being able to help?