Strained relationship with my Mother since my Wedding

MartyMcFly84 · 27-11-2019 11:58am #1

Hi Guys,

Just looking for some advice on this its a bit of a long one ,sorry. My wife and I got married in Spain in September and since then my relationship with my mother has been very strained. My parents are divorced about 8 years.

We were looking for locations for the wedding my mother said that Spain would be much easier for her family to come rather than Ireland and it was significant factor in why we chose Spain.

Initially a number of the my mother side side said they were coming however in the end none did or officially confirm they were not coming. I understand it was a long distance and some cultural factors could have been in play.

My mother started a relationship with a new guy about 7 months before the wedding and fell very hard for him and was in a mad rush for me to meet him very early in their relationship. Really because she wanted to me to invite him to the wedding which I did. In the months leading to the wedding she was completely focused on her new relationship and didn't ask us any questions or offer any help at all with the wedding. At the time I didnt really mind and was happy she seemed happy. She didn't ask about or seem interested in the wedding so we just got on with organising it ourselves. However when the wedding came she was then really upset that she was not made a bigger part of the wedding and was upset on the days around wedding that we did not involve her and she knew nothing of what was going on.

The days leading to the Wedding my mother a made 0 effort to contact or meet my wife and I. We arrived only a day and half before the wedding and had lots to organise and guests flying in from all over the world again my mother was upset we did not make time to organise something with her like a meal. But that would mean I would have to do something separately with my Dad also and my wife family so we decided not to.

On the wedding day itself my mother was in a bad mood because my Dad was there with his partner and she was not a bigger part of the day. I remember looking down when we were doing our vows and she was visibly scowling. I later heard she was extremely rude to my Dads parter and was rude to some other guest who mistook my Dads partner to be my mother.

After the ceremony I spoke with her to see if she was ok because she looked angry at the ceremony. She said she was completely fine. My mother did not approach myself and my wife really for the whole night. She did not say anything to my wife ( you look lovely etc) and did not take any pictures with us outside of the "official" shots. Which she seemed to struggle with my Dad being there.

My Dad decided he did not want to do a speech so my wife's father did, then I did and then the best man. After a couple of courses my mother sent her new boyfriend to speak to me to say she wanted to say a few words also. I was taken a bit back why my Moms new fella was asking me this and not my mother. Also the kitchen was waiting to take the next course out so I said we dont have time. I think she again took this badly. She got fairly drunk at the wedding and did not really mix with other guest and was dancing inappropriately at the wedding with her new boyfriend which was noticed by other guests. Luckily I did not see most of it.

Afterwards I found out for the wedding mother had bought my brothers suit, paid for his flights, accommodation and gave him about 500 for spending money for the wedding. She gave my wife and I 100 in a card for our wedding gift. My brother gave us 0. I am not one to really care about money but found it odd she would give more of a gift to my brother (37 years old) then to my wife and I for our wedding.

My mother was then upset I had not asked my brother to read at the wedding or be a groomsman which she said was insulting. She accused me of not inviting to him to the stag which was not true, he was invited but made no effort to come and decided to leave his job and not look for another one in the weeks before hand. I did not mention it to my mother at the time because I didn't want her paying for him to go.

All in all she seemed insulted the wedding was not more focused on her. She seems to have lost sight that it wasn't her day. I feel she could have put more of an effort in putting on a brave face for the day and being more polite or helpful on the day. There is only my brother and I, and I am not sure he will ever get married. So that was probably the only wedding of her own kids for the foreseeable future or possibly ever, which I feel she wasted on sour grapes.

Since the wedding we have not really spoken much. Just one occasion in person, which was not great.

About a month after the wedding my Mom went to a friends daughters wedding and took loads of pics with herself and the bride and groom and posted pictures of herself and the bride all over facebook, which my wife found a bit hurtful seeing as she took none with us.

I know I have to get past this. But I will forever remember my mother scowling in the pews while I was reading my vows on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Jurgen Klopp · 27-11-2019 12:06pm

I wouldn't blame myself if I were you, you didn't do a thing wrong.

Frankly your mother sounds like a right dose if I'm honest.

Bob Harris · 27-11-2019 12:08pm

I think your Dad being there spoiled it for her. Sounds like she's not over the break-up of her marriage and this affected the whole experience for her.

Sounds like you were lucky she didn't say a few words tbh!

pwurple · 27-11-2019 12:20pm

I can see why both of you could be hurt here. She clearly expected to be involved more, it is traditional to have some contact with families the night before a wedding, more so if its a wedding that involves travel. I'm not sure why you would leave her out of that if your father was there... I would have invited her along and let her decline if she wanted. Excluding her from it wasn't nice.

On the few words she wanted to say at the wedding, I would have made room for that too, but I understand you were navigating their relationship as well as your own. You could have held up the dessert a few mins, or let her speak while the dessert is served? I wouldn't be at all insulted that her partner asked on her behalf. That makes complete sense to me, she was probably emotional and didn't want to be humiliated by being turned down in person by you.

She was clearly hurt and felt excluded, it's very hard to make nice and smile in that situation. Yes, most of it was her own doing, by not asking you the details, but you didn't provide them either. She assumed a lot there, and didn't check, or make it known in advance she wanted to speak etc.

I'm glad she had a good time at the other wedding, it was no doubt easier when she wasn't looking at an ex-husband who spurned her with another woman in tow, and a son who refused her small attempts to be involved. It probably was a happier day for her. Miscommunications all round made that an unfortunate experience for both of you.

You only get one mum. Maybe try to mend your bridges, I'd start with an apology, that's probably what she wants.

IAMAMORON · 27-11-2019 12:21pm

She sounds like a narcissistic mother, they are lethal, be very careful.

Giving your brother money to atrend knowing you would find out and giving you less money .... textbook divide and conquer stuff. Any arguments about her being stuck 500 euro for a pressie will not be entertained.

She is most likely still in love with your dad also. Very awkward.

It is extremely normal for you to be worried for your mother, you love her. Just be careful ,as I said above , narcissists are extremely dangerous to be around emotionally. The fact that you are on a guilt trip is typical of how they do.

Get some proper advice on this, you will need it.

MartyMcFly84 · 27-11-2019 12:29pm

I can see why both of you could be hurt here. She clearly expected to be involved more, it is traditional to have some contact with families the night before a wedding, more so if its a wedding that involves travel. I'm not sure why you would leave her out of that if your father was there... I would have invited her along and let her decline if she wanted. Excluding her from it wasn't nice.

Thanks for the insightful post. To clarify there was no night before meal with any family. As this would mean one meal with my Dad, and one meal with my mother, and then we would have to do something with my wife family or have an awkward combination. Due to the limited time and complications we thought it would be easier not to do any night before meal so no one side would feel left out.

nkl12xtw5goz70 · 27-11-2019 12:47pm

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

My mother started a relationship with a new guy about 7 months before the wedding and fell very hard for him and was in a mad rush for me to meet him very early in their relationship. Really because she wanted to me to invite him to the wedding which I did.

Reading between the lines here, she knew your dad would be at the wedding with his new partner, and she didn't want to be there by herself. Hence the rush to have a new guy with her at the wedding so that he couldn't be smugly partnered while she was single.

In the months leading to the wedding she was completely focused on her new relationship and didn't ask us any questions or offer any help at all with the wedding.

Did you reach out to her and talk about how she might be involved or what you might like her to do?

The days leading to the Wedding my mother a made 0 effort to contact or meet my wife and I.

Again, did either of you make an effort to reach out to her?

We arrived only a day and half before the wedding and had lots to organise and guests flying in from all over the world again my mother was upset we did not make time to organise something with her like a meal.

Sorry, but having "lots to organise" and "guests flying in from all over the world" doesn't give you an excuse not to do something special with your own mother!

My mother did not approach myself and my wife really for the whole night. She did not say anything to my wife ( you look lovely etc) and did not take any pictures with us outside of the "official" shots. Which she seemed to struggle with my Dad being there.

Of course she was struggling — weddings can be hugely stressful occasions for separated or divorced parents — and yet you don't seem to have been especially sensitive to what she was going through on the day.

After a couple of courses my mother sent her new boyfriend to speak to me to say she wanted to say a few words also. I was taken a bit back why my Moms new fella was asking me this and not my mother. Also the kitchen was waiting to take the next course out so I said we dont have time. I think she again took this badly.

Honestly, this was hugely insensitive on your part. You should have let her speak. That was far more important than the waitstaff getting to serve the next course on time. She'll always remember that you wouldn't give her five minutes to say something on the day, while nobody would have remarked on their dessert being a few minutes late.

Afterwards I found out for the wedding mother had bought my brothers suit, paid for his flights, accommodation and gave him about 500 for spending money for the wedding. She gave my wife and I 100 in a card for our wedding gift. My brother gave us 0. I am not one to really care about money but found it odd she would give more of a gift to my brother (37 years old) then to my wife and I for our wedding.

You mentioned elsewhere that your brother had left his job, so perhaps he was struggling financially? In that case, its understandable that your mother would pay for him to come to the wedding.

My mother was then upset I had not asked my brother to read at the wedding or be a groomsman which she said was insulting.

I do understand her POV on this. Is there a reason why you excluded your only brother from being a groomsman or doing a reading?

All in all she seemed insulted the wedding was not more focused on her. She seems to have lost sight that it wasn't her day. I feel she could have put more of an effort in putting on a brave face for the day and being more polite or helpful on the day.

She certainly doesn't seem to have behaved impeccably, but you also could have done more to involve your mother and brother in the wedding and make it a special day for them as well. Instead, it seems like you treated your mother much like every other guest, refused her request to speak, and didn't seem sensitive to the fact that she had to deal with the awkwardness of being around her ex-husband and his new partner all day.

To you, she was there to perform a role — be helpful, be polite, smile for photos, compliment your bride — and you're angry that she didn't do all that to your satisfaction. But she has feelings too, and probably very heightened emotions around what happened to her marriage and family.

Since the wedding we have not really spoken much. Just one occasion in person, which was not great.

Well, you need to repair the relationship. The longer you let things fester, the worse it will get — and yet she will always be your mother and the grandmother of any children you may have. Christmas is coming up, so have an honest talk with her now (in which you're sensitive to her feelings, and not accusatory) and clear the air.

ManOfMystery · 27-11-2019 1:12pm

Permabear, the 'smugly' partnered comment makes it sounds like the OPs father was rubbing his ex's nose in it. There is nothing at all in the OP's post to suggest this is the case. For all we know, his mother could have been the one who ended their marriage.

Also, she was partnered at the wedding, just like her ex. Whatever awkwardness was present for her being around her ex-husband and his new partner all day, doesn't the same apply to him? Yet it doesn't appear that he made things difficult for the OP in any way.

OP I think her behaviour could have been a lot better and she could have made much more of an effort. Should you have included her more? Perhaps, but equally she knew your wedding was coming up, she knew you would be under pressure - as all engaged couples are on the days leading up to a wedding - and she could have offered at any time to assist, but didn't. She also seems completely oblivious to the fact that your entire wedding location was chosen to facilitate her, and that her making more of an effort for just one important day would have made a huge impact.

If she had some issue with you not having your brother as a groomsman .... tough. There is no obligation to choose your brother for that role (or best man), particularly if you have a best friend and in cases where brothers aren't particularly close. That was entirely your choice and not up to her. He didn't even make any effort to attend your stag.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 27-11-2019 1:39pm

It's a difficult situation to weigh up from the outside when we don't have her side.

On the one hand, I can see how it would be a difficult occasion for your mother with your father and his partner there. This is the 1st time her child has gotten married, from my reading she's from a different culture, maybe there was just a mismatch of expectations around how involved she'd be and who would initiate the involvement. Having a bit much to drink on the day, wanting to say a few words etc., I can see how that's all innocent, not malicious.

However, is this part of an established pattern of behaviour for her? Certainly enabling your brother being a bit useless seems to be, are her expectations generally higher for you?

To sit there scowling through your vows is bad, I can see why that would stick with you.

At previous milestone events has she been disruptive like this, making things about her etc?

I would say some of her behaviour on the day was pretty bad and anyone should have known better, and some of the rest of it and in the lead up was stressful or upsetting for you but might be chalked up to misunderstanding.

We're none of us our best selves the whole time. It's up to you to assess whether this was her failing to rise to the occasion or if it's actually fairly typical, and that's going to be important in deciding how to proceed.

Idle Passerby · 27-11-2019 1:55pm

Wedding speeches generally aren't off the cuff things, the speakers are asked weeks in advance. Jobs and roles aren't allocated the night before the wedding so it's odd the mother waited til the day to make her dissatisfaction felt. Sounds to me like she wanted to be the centre of drama.

MartyMcFly84 · 27-11-2019 3:16pm

Thanks some really good insights here.

Regarding my only brother : I didnt ask him to best man because we dont really get on. We never did and I had a difficult time growing up with him. He never seemed to grow up into a man and at 37 has very little motivation to work and make a life for himself and takes money from my parents who are retired far too easily and is currently living with my mother paying 0 rent and she is also paying for his car.

He is very self centred and made no effort to attend the stag and then spent the days of the wedding spending the money my Mom gave him in the local Irish pub and didn't have the thought to buy a card and stick 50 quid into it. He ate at the wedding and drank and the open bar all night and never said thank you. He only complained that his steak wasn't a real fillet steak. Thats kind of sums up the person he is and why he was not a bigger part of our day.

Regarding my Dad: To be honest he was great on the day. He was in a similar boat, he would have liked to have had a meal with my wife and I prior to the wedding but was understanding when regarding the situation. He made an effort to come and meet my wife and I where we were staying to spend some time with his rather than us running after them.

On the day he made an effort to speak with others and everyone has had great things to say about him. Its obvious when people speak of the wedding and say how nice my Dad was and dont mention my Mother that people picked up on the way she was acting.

I do feel bad I didn't give my Mom time to speak looking back. I suppose there was some uneasiness with her boyfriend asking me, the unplanned speech and some worry with how she was acting or what she might say. It was a quick decision and I feel if I had some time to speak with her about it in advance it wound have been fine.

hawley · 27-11-2019 3:21pm

Sorry you had all this stress on what should have been the best day of your life. Just wondering how do your mum and wife get on? What kind of relationship do they have and could it have had any bearing on what happened on the day.

MartyMcFly84 · 27-11-2019 3:31pm

At previous milestone events has she been disruptive like this, making things about her etc?

This was the first big event where they both attended together. They have had brief meetings since.

Regarding disruptive events. Christmas has been terrible since the divorce my mother took it very badly and year after year there was tears at Christmas dinner. Normally she would have drinks far too early and it would go downhill from there.

I dislike the holiday season now and Christmas for many years it was a very sad day for my mother and for anyone else who was there. After last year I made a decision not to spend another Christmas like that, and was concerned that something similar could happen at the wedding. So I was relieved when she started this new relationship.

27-11-2019 3:35pm

pwurple wrote: »

I can see why both of you could be hurt here. .........................
You only get one mum. Maybe try to mend your bridges, I'd start with an apology, that's probably what she wants.

sorry pwurple, i have to strenuously disagree with all of this!

OP, yr mother sounds awful.

I'd not be making any effort to reach out.

Your parents are just another pair of adults that treat you well (or don't) at the end of the day.

react accordingly.

Rubberchikken · 27-11-2019 3:40pm

it sounds like your mothet needs help.
the way she behaves seems very childish abd immature and all about her.
yes maybe the divorce was bad and upsetting for her but shes behaved like a spoilt child since.
the alcohol isnt a good addition either.

tbh you know if she wanted to be a part of her childs wedding then she would have engaged with you and your partner from the beginning. instead she gets caught up in a relationship and then throws her tots out of the pram on your wedding day.

i think if she wants to change she needs to talk with a professional.
if she doesnt, then maybe you need to reach an acceptance that this is how she is and see uf you can live with that.

im sorry your memory of your wedding day is your mother's scowl as you wed. she is your mother after all.
good luck

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 27-11-2019 3:51pm

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

This was the first big event where they both attended together. They have had brief meetings since.

Regarding disruptive events. Christmas has been terrible since the divorce my mother took it very badly and year after year there was tears at Christmas dinner. Normally she would have drinks far too early and it would go downhill from there.

I dislike the holiday season now and Christmas for many years it was a very sad day for my mother and for anyone else who was there. After last year I made a decision not to spend another Christmas like that, and was concerned that something similar could happen at the wedding. So I was relieved when she started this new relationship.

Jeepers, divorced 8 years you say? Did your father leave her for this new partner by any chance?

I'm sorry OP, she seems to have form for this and your wedding day became a casualty of her hurt and anger over the end of her marriage.

As for moving past it, I don't think you have to forgive her or anything, but it does sound like you'll have to accept that this is who your mother is and the kind of behaviour you can expect from her. Going forward into your new married life (congratulations by the way) and especially if you're planning on kids you'll need, for your own sake to come to terms with that. You can expect her to be a massive pain in the hole when your wife is pregnant, when you buy a home, when your child is born and christened and etc. That's going to be tough but if you're holding on to some expectations for her to behave like mothers do on tv and in other people's lives, it'll be worse.

Try to focus on the good aspects of the day, your dad who really showed up for you, your in laws. Literally just try and retrain your brain there, when you think of the day and her scowling face pops into your head, focus on another image.

It's up to you if you think it would get you anywhere clearly explaining to her how her actions hurt you, I suspect it would be an unproductive and upsetting conversation.

MartyMcFly84 · 27-11-2019 3:52pm

Sorry you had all this stress on what should have been the best day of your life. Just wondering how do your mum and wife get on? What kind of relationship do they have and could it have had any bearing on what happened on the day.

They used to get on well. But some distance started happening in the months coming up to the wedding. My Moms lack of interest anytime we brought it up the wedding started creating some distance. When my wife was getting her dress she wanted to bring my Mom to the fitting. But when she brought up the dress she said my Mom did not seem interested at all and just wanted to talk about her new boy friend. In the end my Mom never went because my wife said she showed no interest.

At the hen it was said that my Mom only spoke about her boyfriend, and showed no interest in anything else and seemed like she didnt want to be there. Apparently it was obvious she just wanted to go meet her boyfriend who was in another pub.

My Mom is a beautician, and it was also noted that she made no offers of treatments of offers to do make up etc. My wife didn't ask but it was seen strange that it was never offered.

My wife was a little insulted my mother did not approach us on the day to say you look nice or anything like that.

My mother put up a very sarcastic post the day after our wedding on Facebook on a friends page saying how much we involved her in every detail and made her such a big part of the day etc. My wife read this and was very upset her mother in law would but up such a sarcastic post the day after the wedding.

There was no thank yous, or you both looked lovely etc. after the wedding

So over all since my Moms new relationship and the run up the wedding, and then the wedding itself the relationship between my wife and mother has gotten worse. Its not toxic or anything but isn't a genuine friendliness there like there was before.

MartyMcFly84 · 27-11-2019 3:56pm

Jeepers, divorced 8 years you say? Did your father leave her for this new partner by any chance?

I'm sorry OP, she seems to have form for this and your wedding day became a casualty of her hurt and anger over the end of her marriage.

When my parents broke up my Dad started a relationship not long after. But he has had 2 or 3 since relationships since. He has been with his currently partner about 3/4 years now. So she had absolutely nothing to do with the break up on my parents marriage. My Dads partner was also lovely on the day.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 27-11-2019 4:04pm

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

When my parents broke up my Dad started a relationship not long after. But he has had 2 or 3 since relationships since. He has been with his currently partner about 3/4 years now. So she had absolutely nothing to do with the break up on my parents marriage. My Dads partner was also lovely on the day.

It wouldn't excuse it anyway but that does really push it into completely unreasonable territory imo.

Blaizes · 27-11-2019 4:14pm

Reading all of that your mother has definitely behaved both childishly and selfishly. I really can’t believe she didn’t offer to help with the make up.. You and your wife sound like nice people with a lot of patience but you can’t live your lives trying to please your mother.

You could talk to her tell her how disappointed you were with her lack of interest in your wedding etc then see what she has to say. I wonder if seeing you and your wife planning your wedding then enjoying your wedding day brought back her own memories of the life she envisaged for herself on her own wedding day which obviously didn’t work out. But even if so none of that is your fault and she should have carried herself with more maturity and dignity rather than throwing her toys out of the pram as someone else said. She sounds passive aggressive and a difficult person to be honest

SozBbz · 27-11-2019 4:59pm

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with posters who are overly sympathising with the mother in this scenario. Its like you want him to reward her bad behaviour by bending over backwards to please her. You'll never please a bitter/unhappy person, they'll only keep demanding more.

She sounds very self absorbed and not a particularly nice person.

I'm sure she's hurting but her behaviour is out of order.

A couples wedding is not about their parents latent desired to be center of attention.

She behaved badly on the day, but it sounds like she's behaved badly on a lot of occasions. Obviously the wedding wasn't the time, but perhaps making her aware that her behaviour has consequences and that perhaps she ought to speak to a professional to work out her feelings as its not good for anyone (you and your wife obviously, but also herself) for her to be acting out so many years after the breakdown of her marriage.

meeeeh · 27-11-2019 8:39pm

I don't think you need to be told your mother is challenging person. If you want relationship with her you'll have to start talking to her again without going over the wedding. It seems to me you didn't overly contact her before the wedding to meet your wife or help you with the wedding so you can't resent her that she didn't offer help. You didn't say what you would like her to do. Communication is two way process and maybe your brother gets more support because he is around.

My father is self centred primadonna and we had plenty of disagreements before the wedding so he knew exactly what is gonna happen and that he is not getting his way. It seems to me you kept most of the wedding stuff away from your mother in hope everything will be ok on the day. She didn't need to make an effort to get to know your wife, you needed to make an effort for them to know each other. You are the one person who knows both.

Reading between the lines I think you don't have overly happy relationship with your mother. Just getting married will not improve it. It's up to you to decide how much of a relationship you want with her but there is no point in comparing photos of weddings on Facebook and going over the whole thing. The wedding is just a day, you have your life to live the way you want it and with the people you want in your life.

shesty · 27-11-2019 10:54pm

I have been to a few weddings where relationships are strained or non-existent between parents on one side or the other (or both).It's a bit of a horror show if I'm honest, and I always feel sorry for the bride and groom because no matter how much effort they put in to be accommodating, somebody is always left upset or making a show of themselves.

When drink is involved it becomes far far worse.
I guess the best you can do OP is put it behind you and move on.From.what I have seen, the children of these relationships have to become somewhat selfish in their own dealings with it all, because these problems don't really go away.The best route seems to be to keep things civil, but expect nothing at all, and stay away from social media or texting for conversations.

I am sorry for you OP, I have seen it play out in several ways with different close friends and their parents and it's really not nice.Everyone gets hurt.Look after your relationship and try not to let your parent's problems be too big a part of things between your wife and yourself.

qwerty13 · 28-11-2019 2:32am

I don’t think any slight should have been taken re non interest in dresses or beauty treatments. Really that was up to your now wife, to include / invite whoever she wanted to be there for that. Some people just aren’t interested in that stuff, and that’s ok.

And your mother might be a beautician by trade, but tbh I think it was very much up to your wife to ask her to be involved in that - if your mother suggested it, and your wife wasn’t a fan of her work, your wife would feel sewn into your mother doing that, so your mother was right not to go there (even though I’m not sure that’s why she didn’t go there).

Having said that, it sounds as though she thought she and your brother would be automatically be far more central to the day, just because they’re your direct family. I would not agree with that at all - but that’s the way a lot of people seem to think! The number of stories I’ve heard from friends about that kind of stuff is mad. But mainly in the lead up to the wedding though. Unusual for it to just manifest itself on the day, from what I’ve heard.

It also sounds like she’s finding the split with your Dad very hard to deal with - and hasn’t dealt with it all really. So I can understand how she found the day very difficult.

I think there were assumptions made on both parts: you and your wife shouldn’t have assumed that she’d be all over the dress and beauty stuff, and she shouldn’t have assumed that she’d be centre of attention just because she’s your mother. She sounds like someone who is quite unhappy, but she needs to sort that one out for herself. It’s just unfortunate that a lack of communication on both sides led to it manifesting itself on your wedding day.

28-11-2019 2:37am

i cannot understand all of this "both sides" talk

this woman is abusive. the OP did nothing wrong.

qwerty13 · 28-11-2019 2:43am

Well I guess I was trying to say that both sides had certain expectations (rightly or wrongly - as it happens, I don’t agree with the expectations either party had).

But neither side, on my reading of the situation, ever asked for what they wanted, or even hinted at it. And now you have a situation where everyone seems to be hurt.

What I should also have said in my last post was that I think the OP’s mother dealt with her hurt very inappropriately and publicly; whereas the OP and his wife are dealing with it privately. But you still have two hurt parties, and I think better communication would have far lessened that. I still think the mother behaved very badly though. I’m just trying to say it’s not wholly black and white.

Payton · 28-11-2019 7:55am

Congratulations on your wedding.
When a family has broken up from a divorce it's sometimes not easy for all concerned of what was a family unit.
From what you have posted you conducted YOUR wedding the way YOU BOTH wanted it to be done, it was you day...No One eleses!! You handled it very well.
Your mother seems to be very needy and an attention seeker in ruining things if it doesn't go her way and it can be very draining on you but mostly on her as she will go out of her way to make her agenda known.
You know her better so decide how much you want her in your life, but I think you need to set down some ground rules on if it does happen again what way to deal with it, politely and firmly so the point is made that it's not about your mother it's about being assertive.

valoren · 28-11-2019 11:47am

She wanted to be the centre of attention on your wedding day. The day when your parents are there to show their love and support. The day where if you say "Jump", they say "How high". Don't mind her playing the victim in all of this, it's all an act put on to elicit guilt in you and sympathy from people in her toxic orbit. The provocative sh*t stirring social media antics after the wedding are very insightful. They are done expressly to provoke a reaction. My advice? Ignore them. It's difficult to accept that, through a mature adult's eyes, that your parent is an a-hole and has little or no regard for you. It was not difficult for her to express some interest or to selflessly make it known that she was available to help in any way she could. She would have if she actually cared about you but narcissistic people are blind to basic social bonding platitudes such as "You look stunning. Congratulations". She couldn't even do that.

Self-absorbed people like your mother burn people out with the incessant drama and the problems they conjure up from nothing. I presume she was a significant factor in the marital split and that it was your father who went about the divorce. Sounds to me like he is blameless and his head was melted after years of dealing with your mother. She sounds like a classic narcissist, someone who expects to be completely respected but who do nothing at all to warrant respect. She did f-all to help for your wedding yet fully expected expressions of gratitude from you and your wife? That should really speak volumes for you. As a narcissist, given that this was a formal family occasion, she knew people would see that your father had moved on, it would be a narcissistic injury if she was there alone and she was more pre-occupied with saving face with getting anyone to accompany her than helping out or expressing interest in your wedding.

Given the embarrassing antics you described at the wedding then rest assured people know how immature she is. You were absolutely right to not let her say a few words. You'd have had no problem if she asked this in advance obviously and it could have been catered for. The sole incident alone is indicative of her character i.e. last second request to say a few words, delivered by her flying monkey partner and then throwing the toys out of the proverbial pram when the request gets rejected.

Focus on your new family going forward i.e. your wife. With your immediate family, hope for the best but fully expect and prepare a plan for the worst.

MissShihTzu · 28-11-2019 7:43pm

Oh boy! This sounds like my own wedding.

My parents were divorced for many years by the time we got married. But it still wasn't without drama. My Mum decided to be all nice and happy when we broke the news. The minute my now husband returned to Ireland (I lived in London at the time), all hell broke loose. She clearly wasn't happy, spread nasty rumours about my husband and his family (who she hadn't met as yet), and tried to bully and blackmail me. All of which I ignored, and carried on with my preparations with the help of my lovely cousins and friends. Mum didn't help choose my dress - my best friend did. Another friend helped me to dress on the day with the help of the make-up artist. It was disappointing as I am the only daughter and the only one to marry so far. My Dad on the other hand was great! He rushed out and bought the ingredients for our cakes, spoke to the priest at his church to find out what happens at the ceremony and really took an interest, bless him. The day was great, and we hoped everyone had a nice time

Things were never the same after that. Both my parents have passed now, and that's something I will always feel upset about that my Mum couldn't bring herself to be happy for me, get more involved with our day and be a nice mother-in-law to my husband. But there's nothing I can do about that now. And we're still happily married after 11 years.

You have a decision to make. Either you live your new life and sideline your mother. Or you can dance round her, accommodate her and her bitterness and have her taint your marriage. Don't forget - your immediate family now is you, your wife and any children you might have.

Congrats on your marriage and the best of luck to you! Looks as though you're going to need it...

Alrigghtythen · 29-11-2019 7:07pm

She paid for your brother to attend and gave you a present. The present wasn't of a high enough value to please you.

She asked to give a speech, so what, I don't get annoyance over this.

Why where you looking at your mother and not you wife when you were saying your vows? And then being annoyed because you she didn't have the expected facial expression! Maybe she was glaring at you because you were looking at your mother instead of your wife while saying your wedding vows.

What your brother spends the money in is irrelevant

Your mother is not responsible if her relations go to your wedding or not.

SozBbz · 02-12-2019 10:47am

Alrigghtythen wrote: »

She paid for your brother to attend and gave you a present. The present wasn't of a high enough value to please you.

She asked to give a speech, so what, I don't get annoyance over this.

Why where you looking at your mother and not you wife when you were saying your vows? And then being annoyed because you she didn't have the expected facial expression! Maybe she was glaring at you because you were looking at your mother instead of your wife while saying your wedding vows.

What your brother spends the money in is irrelevant

Your mother is not responsible if her relations go to your wedding or not.

Oh come on. While i agree most of the stuff about the brother is a non issue (if she wants to enable him thats her poor choice) but all the other stuff is bang out of order.

Most weddings are scheduled well in advance. There is no issue with her wanting to give a speech, but she should have mentioned it before, not on the day. Also if other guests had remarked on her behavior on the day, I'm not sure I'd want to put a microphone in her hand. It sounds like her bad attitude was radiating. She sounds like an absolute liability. Some people, who happen to be parents, are bitter and unhappy people. Being mother of the groom doesnt give her a free pass.

Strained relationship with my Mother since my Wedding

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