Have you ever fallen out with a friend?

bb1234567 · 12-05-2021 4:21pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

sounds like your ex friend was a tad too sensitive, you were hammered, could she not forgive and forget? most people would.

I did always think it was quite harsh..people have forgiven much worse. She didn't completely cut me loose, she'd message me the odd time out of the blue for a few years after..but things were never the same between us, whenever we talked again I always got the sense she was still upset/disappointed with me ever since that night happened. I always considered her a good friend but I know she did want more than to be friends, maybe after my show that went out the window and she just wasn't really interested in a friendship that wouldn't lead anywhere.

Ms. Newbie18 · 12-05-2021 4:57pm

bb1234567 wrote: »

I always considered her a good friend but I know she did want more than to be friends, maybe after my show that went out the window and she just wasn't really interested in a friendship that wouldn't lead anywhere.

I'd would guess the same. Once she realised it would never move on from friendship she decided to cut her losses so to speak.

Tell me how · 12-05-2021 5:41pm

dubstarr wrote: »

Me too,i was the one organising nights out and weekends away.
So i stopped and nobody has really bothered with me since.

Im an introvert and i like my own company but i do miss ringing up and asking did they want to go for a pint.

I find it very hard to make friends and obviously its harder to keep them.

I know it goes back to my mam,she wouldnt let me out with people on the road. Or kids from school meeting and i wasnt allowed to go.I missed so much because of that.

That's one thing that I think must be difficult for parents.
The impact your decisions can have on a childs development and how they then live their lives as adults.

Sometimes I think it might be have been done because of the parents own issues with socialising and some times they might have done it for good reasons. We frequently see reactions to people behaving poorly with comments of 'What were the parents at' or 'they fell in with a bad crowd' and understandably with respect to the latter comment, it can be hard for a parent to police their childs friends totally, particularly when all children might have been fine throughout primary school but then as they go to different secondary schools or whatever, people are exposed to different things and all of a sudden, someone has 'fallen in with the wrong crowd'.

With this in mind, I can understand how sometimes a parent might be inclined to be uber cautious in letting their children interact with others, but, most definitely, the solution is not to prevent them doing so at all either.

Daisy78 · 12-05-2021 6:41pm

Porklife wrote: »

That's true and i think in some way it's because women care more. I've alot of male friends who i know don't actually like or care about each other that much but they'd happily play football or have a pint together.
Women on the otherhand wouldn't, generally speaking, have a drink with another woman they don't care about.
I'd have male friends of mine say things like..ah what did you expect, Dave's a wanker or similar comments about apparent friends but then you'd see them slapping each other on the back down the pub if * Gerard scored a goal..

* I clearly know nothing about football:p

I think this deserves its own thread. My brother always used to point out that guys have “drinking buddies” rather than friends. Or mates who they will play football with but don’t generally have close friendships the way women do. Which I never really understood. I think women are a lot more invested in their friendships than men are, certainly in older age.

[Deleted User] · 12-05-2021 6:41pm

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

I'd would guess the same. Once she realised it would never move on from friendship she decided to cut her losses so to speak.

It can be painful to remain in a friendship with a person who you have romantic feelings for.

B2021M · 12-05-2021 6:45pm

Hamachi wrote: »

I find this very odd and I’m a man. Have a male colleague who’s also sort of a friend through a sport we’re both involved in. He hangs out with a group of his friends from childhood. They go out drinking and away on golf weekends. He’s openly told me that he can’t stand some of the group. I can’t fathom spending that much time with people I don’t particularly like.

Personally, haven’t fallen out with friends. Just drifted apart over the years.

Don’t know if anybody else had this experience, but I never made any friends in school.

I didn’t fall out with anybody and was never bullied or anything like that. I was just never close to anybody in my class and it never even occurred to me to stay in contact as soon as I finished the leaving cert. Is that incredibly weird?

I'd be wary of someone who criticises people they hang around with or are supposed to be friends with.

[Deleted User] · 12-05-2021 7:00pm

I didn't fall out with a friend, but a friend fell out with me. We had been friends, part of a group of work friends, same organisation, different sections. Anyway, we were friends well over ten years, we were away, thousands of kms from home, and I had a couple of off days, just a bit down, had bad news but wasn't in the form for talking about it.
So, this friend had a really bad go at me, made me feel so bad, and then basically left me out of the group for few weeks, it was like mean girls for teenagers, even though we were in our 30s. I left and did a bit of travelling solo, before meeting up to go home.
Really affected me deeply, I thought we were great friends but then she treated me too badly, it really hurt, caused me anxiety for about 12 months afterwards!

And the worst part is, she is this super nice to everyone, very outgoing, good craic person. I'm much more 'controversial ' say what I think, usually, don't just agree with everyone, like she does.
So, whenever anyone hears that 'we' fell out, they automatically think it's my fault, because she is so sound...........

[Deleted User] · 12-05-2021 7:00pm

PlentyOhToole wrote: »

It sounds stupid but sometimes losing a good friend is very similar to a bereavement - I know I felt that to a degree with my story above-Once I knew invitations to her wedding had issued and I hadn’t received one I knew the friendship was gone- it took me some time to get over it even though I knew the friendship itself wasn’t what it once was.

It's not stupid. Good friends are an important part of our lives. We share so much of ourselves with them and there's lots of memories. Knowing that the friendship had changed doesn't make it any easier.

I've been thinking about my part in past friendships. I'm a big believer in personal responsibility and its important to me that I can acknowledge what I got wrong. Those girls in my twenties, I felt so isolated and alone a lot of the time. Their lives seemed a million miles from mine and I just struggled to let them be my friend.

It's not about blame. We don't exist in a vacuum but in a relational space. There is an ebb and flow. I felt they lacked empathy at times and they no doubt felt I was difficult and crazy. When it seems that your life is falling apart and those closest to you are living the dream, you can push away.

So I think I can see how a person stops wanting to be friends and also understand how hard it is for the other when that happens. I'm familiar with both.

Nowadays I'm not going to get all upset with someone if they are drifting away from me. It will make me sad inside alright.
I'll understand that life isn't easy for them but that doesn't mean I will allow myself to be picked up and put down over and over.

[Deleted User] · 12-05-2021 7:07pm

corner of hells wrote: »

S'okay , we'll all go to your hen , im male but ive a nice summer frock.

Don't matter hells. As long as you don't look better than me.

Flinty997 · 12-05-2021 7:26pm

I don't think I've ever seen friends fall out. But see a lot decide to detach from friends. Usually because they are moving in different circles and one or both can't compromise for the other.

One I've seen a lot is work friends where someone gets promoted and cuts all ties to their previous friends.

Hamachi · 12-05-2021 7:31pm

Daisy78 wrote: »

I think this deserves its own thread. My brother always used to point out that guys have “drinking buddies” rather than friends. Or mates who they will play football with but don’t generally have close friendships the way women do. Which I never really understood. I think women are a lot more invested in their friendships than men are, certainly in older age.

It’s interesting for sure. I’ve heard female friendships described as face-to-face, whereas male friendships are side-by-side. Typically, us men only become friends with other men when there is a common purpose like work, a sport, or drinking.

It’s fair to say that many male friendships aren’t particularly deep. It goes against our nature to show weakness or vulnerability to other men. Hence the more superficial connections. I save personal conversations for my wife and my closest sibling.

The only male friends I would be slightly more open with are non-Irish. I lived abroad for years in a somewhat more emotionally expressive culture than Ireland. I definitely had deeper conversations with male friends there, but the intrinsically Irish part of me became very uncomfortable if things crossed a line.

One advantage to more superficial friendships is that expectations are low and we don’t tend to have the explosive falling-outs that terminate some female friendships very abruptly.

Hamachi · 12-05-2021 7:33pm

B2021M wrote: »

I'd be wary of someone who criticises people they hang around with or are supposed to be friends with.

Agreed. This guy is also a work colleague, which is why I keep him at arms length. Grand for the common activity we share, but that’s it.

ancapailldorcha · 12-05-2021 7:52pm

Yeah. Usually it's all minor enough stuff that gets forgotten about though. I've cut one friend off and am happy enough with that.

She's someone I work with. She's travelled a fair bit, attended and worked at some prestigious places. Not sure when exactly it happened but we started chatting a fair bit when I'd be helping her with various things. She'd had a boyfriend, split from him at some point and started seeing another lad at work. We got fairly close. I remember her even telling me at one point about stuff she liked to do in the bedroom. If things had been different, we might have been an item. C'est la vie.

Once the pandemic hit, she was furloughed while I came back in sharply enough. We had mandatory mask wearing implemented by the powers that be. She came in without one. I asked her to wear one and she just laughed and said she didn't have to wear one. I ended up having to report it and at that point just lost all interest in speaking to her beyond what the job demanded. I'd made it quite far into the pandemic without having to deal with anti-masker carryon so it was just disheartening to have it from someone fluent in half a dozen languages.

monkeysnapper · 12-05-2021 8:14pm

Mine is one of them friends I've had for around 25 years and always realised when we would meet up the conversation was always about her and I kind of always let her off ..

Over the years she lost her mother then her father and I was always there for her ....I even flew over to see her when her mother died .... then she thought her young son had a brain tumour and I rang her everyday until it turned out thankfully he hadn't....

My mother then developed breast cancer which quickly followed by my dad developing prostate cancer ..... again thankfully they made a full recovery but not one phone call to see how I was or any of them ....

I haven't had a fall out as such but I won't be wasting any more of my time on her .. ....

Cut her loose...

mcsean2163 · 12-05-2021 8:18pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

In my experience as a fella. Guys don't really fall out, have big burst ups with friends compared to women. I know I'm terrible.

I did engineering, play soccer and my experience is the opposite.

Tpcl20 · 12-05-2021 8:27pm

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

Two that stand out; both men. One who once he got with his OH everything went to text - even tho we had never been romantically involved (he was like a cousin to me) and I was in a relationship. He would arrange to meet up and then wouldnt hear from him for days before we were going to meet. Was a reoccurring cycle. He always initiated because once he started flaking my OH would tell me not to waste my time. Totally ended the friendship when he didnt invite us to the wedding but had a few people i knew he was not fond of there. Showed to ruled the roost. When I see SM post from him now 90% of his friends are his OH.

That was the exact same with the person I mentioned earlier. And they aren't the only person I know whose contact has been cut or dramatically curtailed by a new partner. Not just with their friends of the opposite gender, often with people of the same gender as well.

It can't be good for your mental health. Also if you cut all ties with everyone else besides your OH's circle, who can you turn to if things go badly wrong? The hope, presumably, is that it won't ever sour. But that's not always the way things go and I often worry for friends of mine who aren't "allowed" to contact their friends.

pgj2015 · 12-05-2021 8:32pm

Hamachi wrote: »

It’s interesting for sure. I’ve heard female friendships described as face-to-face, whereas male friendships are side-by-side. Typically, us men only become friends with other men when there is a common purpose like work, a sport, or drinking.

It’s fair to say that many male friendships aren’t particularly deep. It goes against our nature to show weakness or vulnerability to other men. Hence the more superficial connections. I save personal conversations for my wife and my closest sibling.

The only male friends I would be slightly more open with are non-Irish. I lived abroad for years in a somewhat more emotionally expressive culture than Ireland. I definitely had deeper conversations with male friends there, but the intrinsically Irish part of me became very uncomfortable if things crossed a line.

One advantage to more superficial friendships is that expectations are low and we don’t tend to have the explosive falling-outs that terminate some female friendships very abruptly.

I cant relate at all to that to be honest. If it is true though, no wonder male suicide is so high in this country. I have had deep conversations with male friends of mine mostly when sober but You can have unbelievably deep conversations with your friends when at a rave if you know what I mean.

B2021M · 12-05-2021 8:35pm

There have been comments here of how male and female relationships are often quite different in nature.

What do people think of a scenario where a male friend drifts away when they meet a partner? Should the remaining single party just accept it as natural (and not complain about it as society probably expects!) or are they right to be pissed off if it is somebody they spent significant time with previously?

pgj2015 · 12-05-2021 8:38pm

B2021M wrote: »

There have been comments here of how male and female relationships are often quite different in nature.

What do people think of a scenario where a male friend drifts away when they meet a partner? Should the remaining single party just accept it as natural (and not complain about it as society probably expects!) or are they right to be pissed off if it is somebody they spent significant time with previously?

Sound male friends wont ditch you for a woman. if they do, I wouldn't waste any time being pi$$ed off about it, what good will that do? let them off.

dubstarr · 12-05-2021 8:40pm

Tell me how wrote: »

That's one thing that I think must be difficult for parents.
The impact your decisions can have on a childs development and how they then live their lives as adults.

Sometimes I think it might be have been done because of the parents own issues with socialising and some times they might have done it for good reasons. We frequently see reactions to people behaving poorly with comments of 'What were the parents at' or 'they fell in with a bad crowd' and understandably with respect to the latter comment, it can be hard for a parent to police their childs friends totally, particularly when all children might have been fine throughout primary school but then as they go to different secondary schools or whatever, people are exposed to different things and all of a sudden, someone has 'fallen in with the wrong crowd'.

With this in mind, I can understand how sometimes a parent might be inclined to be uber cautious in letting their children interact with others, but, most definitely, the solution is not to prevent them doing so at all either.

I was an only child and she was way too over protective.
I have kids and they can come and go within reason.I wouldnt stop them going out with friends unless i was very sure they were not great people to begin with.

Tell me how · 12-05-2021 8:45pm

B2021M wrote: »

There have been comments here of how male and female relationships are often quite different in nature.

What do people think of a scenario where a male friend drifts away when they meet a partner? Should the remaining single party just accept it as natural (and not complain about it as society probably expects!) or are they right to be pissed off if it is somebody they spent significant time with previously?

Maybe bring it up with the person that you notice you aren't spending time with them as much, or in the same way as you did before, and that you miss that.
It is then down to the other person to either consciously continue in this new way of interacting, or specifically make time to tie in with their friend.

I experienced similar myself. Was very close to a sibling, we spoke on the phone at least once a day and when we lived in the same town, which we did for years as adults, we met once a week for dinner. When they met someone, we continued to meet weekly, but it was obvious that now he was ringing his GF for the casual, talk to someone while you're driving home from work thing, and I was speaking to him less and less.
As soon as he got married, the weekly meet ups stopped, I said it to him and he acknowledged it, but nothing changed. In the last couple of years we lived in the same location, we met maybe 2-3 times a year for a dinner where it was just the 2 of us and now, would only speak on the phone maybe once a month but we do live in different countries/time zones.

I really miss that friendship, but I don't hold any ill will towards him that it played out like this. I think it is right that his partner and now family is the person he is closest with and wants to speak with and spend his leisure time with and I kinda see it as an 'it is what it is' type thing.

Galwayguy35 · 12-05-2021 8:46pm

I did.

A guy I knew for years and was good friends with asked for the loan of 300 quid and although I was strapped for cash myself I managed to get it for him because I didn't think he would do me over.

I was wrong and he turned out to be a lying c**t.

McGinniesta · 12-05-2021 8:47pm

I haven't personally but I caused my sister to break up with her fiancee.

A long and boring story but he was being a bold boy. Suffice it to say that the tax man did our dirty work for us.

AMKC · 12-05-2021 9:06pm

Nope. Never really had any true friends so never had any to fall out with. There was one kinda friend I had in secondary school because I know I never really had friends I primary school anyway we would go for walks at lunchtime to a shop or whatever but he used to bul**** chat alot. Thinking of it now it was definitely jealousy. He would say he was out doing this or that bragging as guys do when in truth most of it was lies anyway for whatever reason and before we had finished secondary school we had drifted apart. I have one good friend now and that's all I need. I am there for her and her for me. I am fine and happy in my own company anyway. Would not have the time for a lot of friends or be bothered either.

freshpopcorn · 12-05-2021 9:12pm

mcsean2163 wrote: »

I did engineering, play soccer and my experience is the opposite.

It's good to know that we all have different experiences!

Hamachi · 12-05-2021 9:48pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

I cant relate at all to that to be honest. If it is true though, no wonder male suicide is so high in this country. I have had deep conversations with male friends of mine mostly when sober but You can have unbelievably deep conversations with your friends when at a rave if you know what I mean.

I’d venture that you are either very young or extraordinarily lucky with your friends.

A lot of men only really confide in their girlfriends/ wives / partners. I don’t see that as a catalyst for a mental health crisis. As long as they have somebody trustworthy to confide in, it’s probably fine.

However, I imagine it can be difficult for those that are single and have zero close friendships. That sounds very isolating.

Ms. Newbie18 · 12-05-2021 9:54pm

B2021M wrote: »

There have been comments here of how male and female relationships are often quite different in nature.

What do people think of a scenario where a male friend drifts away when they meet a partner? Should the remaining single party just accept it as natural (and not complain about it as society probably expects!) or are they right to be pissed off if it is somebody they spent significant time with previously?

This thing is if they're going to throw away a friendship for the OH why would you want to keep them? If you make a fuss you'd only be labelled as jealous etc..

B2021M · 12-05-2021 9:58pm

Ms. Newbie18 wrote: »

This thing is if they're going to throw away a friendship for the OH why would you want to keep them? If you make a fuss you'd only be labelled as jealous etc..

I was thinking more in a less tangible sense where the person is still friendly but just not available anymore. While understandable i'm not sure why the single person should be expected to tolerate it but you are right that they would be labelled as jealous or immature if they dont go along with it.

Ms. Newbie18 · 12-05-2021 10:01pm

Hamachi wrote: »

I’d venture that you are either very young or extraordinarily lucky with your friends.

A lot of men only really confide in their girlfriends/ wives / partners. I don’t see that as a catalyst for a mental health crisis. As long as they have somebody trustworthy to confide in, it’s probably fine.

However, I imagine it can be difficult for those that are single and have zero close friendships. That sounds very isolating.

Or if those men were having issues with their OH. Who do they turn to then? Most men won't go to their family's with relationship troubles and I 100% get why. You never want to sour your family's opinion of your partner.

pgj2015 · 12-05-2021 10:03pm

Hamachi wrote: »

I’d venture that you are either very young or extraordinarily lucky with your friends.

A lot of men only really confide in their girlfriends/ wives / partners. I don’t see that as a catalyst for a mental health crisis. As long as they have somebody trustworthy to confide in, it’s probably fine.

However, I imagine it can be difficult for those that are single and have zero close friendships. That sounds very isolating.

must be lucky with my friends.

I think I might be one of the guys who people ask for advice, maybe that is why I have had these conversations with my friends. I think there are lads out there who will tell their male friends stuff they might not tell their girlfriends/wives.

single people who don't have close friends probably have those conversations with their family. You can even have those conversations with strangers you will find.

Have you ever fallen out with a friend?

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