What's the etiquette here??

Arthur Fent · 23-11-2020 3:48pm

Slideways wrote: »

I have a very itchy ring piece. So far have avoided getting stuck in with the finger. Double checked there wasn’t some dried poo flakes that was causing it, TP came away spotless but I’m nearly at the stage of dragging my arse along the ground like an old Collie dog.

Could be a dose of the aul worms

Slideways · 23-11-2020 4:21pm

Arthur Fent wrote: »

Could be a dose of the aul worms

I’ll go to vet in the morning for some Ivomec pour on so

2018na · 23-11-2020 8:47pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

The username is .... I'm sure he's still posting though

Hopefully he'll reveal himself soon. Cat that used to come round the place on the missing list presumed ripp. Couldn't cope with j flash as well

Hector Savage · 24-11-2020 10:32am

Moooornnninnnnnn lovelies!!!!

Got the coffee down me neck, ass in gear ..... and blew out a foul scuttery loud of rancid arse gravy into the porcelain .... sounded like I was dumping a bucket of mackerel onto a tiled floor - from a height no less!!!

Ah !! Great start to the day ... getting chilly here too .... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Brendan Bendar · 24-11-2020 11:40am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Moooornnninnnnnn lovelies!!!!

Got the coffee down me neck, ass in gear ..... and blew out a foul scuttery loud of rancid arse gravy into the porcelain .... sounded like I was dumping a bucket of mackerel onto a tiled floor - from a height no less!!!

Ah !! Great start to the day ... getting chilly here too .... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

If you are wearing the good ‘Calvins’ would strongly recommend using a cotton wool ‘plug’ wedged into the rivet.

Tends to be a bit of ‘drool’ after a deposit like that....... leave a stain on the ‘calvins’ like a Labrador hounds ringpiece after a feed of ‘blown’ offal.

Impossible to shift.

Fcuking bang like burning tyres....

Gael23 · 24-11-2020 3:11pm

My doctor wants me to bring in a sample of my deposit to check what’s going on in my guts 💩

Dual wheels · 24-11-2020 9:10pm

Drank a hape of out of date stout at the weekend the old scutter pipe after getting an awful hammering

Slideways · 25-11-2020 12:48am

Gael23 wrote: »

My doctor wants me to bring in a sample of my deposit to check what’s going on in my guts 💩

How does one go about such a task. Do you stop with the turtles head just protruding and snip it off with a cigar cutter?

Or trap it against the side of the armitage shanks, taking a dollop out of the middle using an ice-cream scoop?

Dual wheels · 25-11-2020 12:54am

Slideways wrote: »

How does one go about such a task. Do you stop with the turtles head just protruding and snip it off with a cigar cutter?

Or trap it against the side of the armitage shanks, taking a dollop out of the middle using an ice-cream scoop?

I’d say the safest job is to sink one into a biscuit tin and the doc can use as much as he requires

Ha Long Bay · 25-11-2020 1:12am

Dual wheels wrote: »

I’d say the safest job is to sink one into a biscuit tin and the doc can use as much as he requires

I thought a lunch box was the preferred transport method by posters on this thread?

Voodoomelon · 25-11-2020 1:20am

Slideways wrote: »

How does one go about such a task. Do you stop with the turtles head just protruding and snip it off with a cigar cutter?

Or trap it against the side of the armitage shanks, taking a dollop out of the middle using an ice-cream scoop?

I had the unfortunate task of having to provide same about 10 years ago. You just list to the side and empty the ballast tanks on to the side shelf. There's a little McFlurry style "spoon" attached to the inside of the lid of the container they give you, so you dig yourself out a little raisin-size nugget and screw the cap back on.

Leaves the porcelain in some state though, ample brush work required.

sligojoek · 25-11-2020 1:23am

25-11-2020 1:25am

Dual wheels wrote: »

I’d say the safest job is to sink one into a biscuit tin and the doc can use as much as he requires

In tears. I can't get this image out of my head...

*passes USA tin to doctor
" there you go Doc, help yourself"

Seamai · 25-11-2020 1:35am

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

In tears. I can't get this image out of my head...

*passes USA tin to doctor
" there you go Doc, help yourself"

Can't get an image of those coveted chocolate biscuits in the Christmas boxes with the pink jelly star out of my head, which leads nicely along to the topic of chocolate starfish.

partyguinness · 25-11-2020 1:18pm

Had a terrible experience last night. I may have mentioned before I do a lot of running- 60-80km every week spread out over 5 runs. Last night I had to run for 75mins which is about 15km. Feeling very sorry for myself on a cold dark November evening I set out at 9pm as the wife was working late. Close to tears I was.

All was grand for the first 45 mins. I wasn’t in top form but you have runs like that sometimes so not to worry. Just get it done. Anyway, I was galloping along this quiet street and the grumblings started in the pit of my stomach. Of course, you plough on and ignore it. School boy stuff…like playing on with a strained hamstring: “Sure I’ll run it off” Like fcuk you will.

Soon enough the grumblings snowballed into the unmistakable urge to blow out the sheriff’s badge like a surfacing whale in the south Atlantic. Frantically I was scanning the area. Quiet residential area and all pubs etc are shut and I am a good 20 mins from a toilet of any description i.e. home. It would have been grand if I was in the park but no a street light paradise.

Like a pyroclastic flow from the depths of stomach there was no stopping it. I found a block of flats which was essentially on the footpath but there was a path leading to a closed door. I would say that it used to bring to bins etc from the back to the footpath. I would say about 10 foot at the most off the footpath but with the hedge on the other side it was better than nothing. Not pitch dark but there was a dark shadow from the street light. So pretty much up against the door dropped the tights and unleashed. The first wave was a sold turd but sure that was just the “plug” then the ripe runny midden came…must have been like the last days of Pompeii. Managed to finds a few dead leaves for a quick wipe. Gather myself and off I went.

But no that was not it. Round 2. About 5 minutes up the road I had turned into an even quieter street. All the houses back on to a private golf course- all £1m+ houses. Even more angry urges back again and now desperately looking for another bush but nothing. All the well-appointed houses had their yard and security lights on. There is no way I would make a clean getaway if someone popped their head out the door. I saw a house with building work out the front which actually had a portaloo. But **** me if I was going taking my chances in a builder’s loo in the pitch dark. So found a bush and just in time- unleashed more ripe midden and the bang off it- honestly did not smell human and to add to the indignity some leaves I had used earlier were stuck to my tights.

Off I went again. Gingerly making my way and another 5 minutes up the road another overwhelming urge- Round ****ing 3 no less. Next to a police station there was a electrical sub station off the street which was sufficiently sheltered and dark. Unleashed more midden. It was like a bowl of melted Dairy Milk- I took my phone out and switched on the light as I just had to see what the **** could possible be left. Was half expecting to see last years Christmas dinner.

I actually took time to relax here as it was very sheltered but as I am there in full squat this other runner made an effort to stare right in as he passed. He must have seen me in the distance running across the road and disappearing into the bushes as there is no other reason to make such an effort to gawk in- we made eye contact. **** him. Found a decent size dead leaf but Jaysus I was red raw and it hurt. Off I went again but my last 5km pace home was unusually slow.

In the shower later some more leaves feel onto the tray. This morning I feel like I lost about 2 stone in weight. I’d say it will be next Monday again before I am back at the pool. I realise now that not feeling in top form earlier on was my body's way of telling me that all was not well. The body is like that..it knows it is "off" before the brain is told.

Hector Savage · 25-11-2020 1:43pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Had a terrible experience last night. I may have mentioned before I do a lot of running- 60-80km every week spread out over 5 runs. Last night I had to run for 75mins which is about 15km. Feeling very sorry for myself on a cold dark November evening I set out at 9pm as the wife was working late. Close to tears I was.

All was grand for the first 45 mins. I wasn’t in top form but you have runs like that sometimes so not to worry. Just get it done. Anyway, I was galloping along this quiet street and the grumblings started in the pit of my stomach. Of course, you plough on and ignore it. School boy stuff…like playing on with a strained hamstring: “Sure I’ll run it off” Like fcuk you will.

Soon enough the grumblings snowballed into the unmistakable urge to blow out the sheriff’s badge like a surfacing whale in the south Atlantic. Frantically I was scanning the area. Quiet residential area and all pubs etc are shut and I am a good 20 mins from a toilet of any description i.e. home. It would have been grand if I was in the park but no a street light paradise.

Like a pyroclastic flow from the depths of stomach there was no stopping it. I found a block of flats which was essentially on the footpath but there was a path leading to a closed door. I would say that it used to bring to bins etc from the back to the footpath. I would say about 10 foot at the most off the footpath but with the hedge on the other side it was better than nothing. Not pitch dark but there was a dark shadow from the street light. So pretty much up against the door dropped the tights and unleashed. The first wave was a sold turd but sure that was just the “plug” then the ripe runny midden came…must have been like the last days of Pompeii. Managed to finds a few dead leaves for a quick wipe. Gather myself and off I went.

But no that was not it. Round 2. About 5 minutes up the road I had turned into an even quieter street. All the houses back on to a private golf course- all £1m+ houses. Even more angry urges back again and now desperately looking for another bush but nothing. All the well-appointed houses had their yard and security lights on. There is no way I would make a clean getaway if someone popped their head out the door. I saw a house with building work out the front which actually had a portaloo. But **** me if I was going taking my chances in a builder’s loo in the pitch dark. So found a bush and just in time- unleashed more ripe midden and the bang off it- honestly did not smell human and to add to the indignity some leaves I had used earlier were stuck to my tights.

Off I went again. Gingerly making my way and another 5 minutes up the road another overwhelming urge- Round ****ing 3 no less. Next to a police station there was a electrical sub station off the street which was sufficiently sheltered and dark. Unleashed more midden. It was like a bowl of melted Dairy Milk- I took my phone out and switched on the light as I just had to see what the **** could possible be left. Was half expecting to see last years Christmas dinner.

I actually took time to relax here as it was very sheltered but as I am there in full squat this other runner made an effort to stare right in as he passed. He must have seen me in the distance running across the road and disappearing into the bushes as there is no other reason to make such an effort to gawk in- we made eye contact. **** him. Found a decent size dead leaf but Jaysus I was red raw and it hurt. Off I went again but my last 5km pace home was unusually slow.

In the shower later some more leaves feel onto the tray. This morning I feel like I lost about 2 stone in weight. I’d say it will be next Monday again before I am back at the pool. I realise now that not feeling in top form earlier on was my body's way of telling me that all was not well. The body is like that..it knows it is "off" before the brain is told.

Jaysus P, you seem to get into a lot of these running situations !!

Should make sure the bowels are empty before going for a run ..

partyguinness · 25-11-2020 1:52pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Jaysus P, you seem to get into a lot of these running situations !!

Should make sure the bowels are empty before going for a run ..

I know. The thing is I did my usual constitutional earlier in the day but I think there was something dodgy going on. On a strict running schedule which I have to stick to so you gotta soldier on.

I'll be keeping one eye on the local rag over the coming weeks to check if there are any reports from "outraged" and "furious" local residents complete with grainy CCTV footage of my deposit outside that block of flats.

Dual wheels · 25-11-2020 3:58pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Had a terrible experience last night. I may have mentioned before I do a lot of running- 60-80km every week spread out over 5 runs. Last night I had to run for 75mins which is about 15km. Feeling very sorry for myself on a cold dark November evening I set out at 9pm as the wife was working late. Close to tears I was.

All was grand for the first 45 mins. I wasn’t in top form but you have runs like that sometimes so not to worry. Just get it done. Anyway, I was galloping along this quiet street and the grumblings started in the pit of my stomach. Of course, you plough on and ignore it. School boy stuff…like playing on with a strained hamstring: “Sure I’ll run it off” Like fcuk you will.

Soon enough the grumblings snowballed into the unmistakable urge to blow out the sheriff’s badge like a surfacing whale in the south Atlantic. Frantically I was scanning the area. Quiet residential area and all pubs etc are shut and I am a good 20 mins from a toilet of any description i.e. home. It would have been grand if I was in the park but no a street light paradise.

Like a pyroclastic flow from the depths of stomach there was no stopping it. I found a block of flats which was essentially on the footpath but there was a path leading to a closed door. I would say that it used to bring to bins etc from the back to the footpath. I would say about 10 foot at the most off the footpath but with the hedge on the other side it was better than nothing. Not pitch dark but there was a dark shadow from the street light. So pretty much up against the door dropped the tights and unleashed. The first wave was a sold turd but sure that was just the “plug” then the ripe runny midden came…must have been like the last days of Pompeii. Managed to finds a few dead leaves for a quick wipe. Gather myself and off I went.

But no that was not it. Round 2. About 5 minutes up the road I had turned into an even quieter street. All the houses back on to a private golf course- all £1m+ houses. Even more angry urges back again and now desperately looking for another bush but nothing. All the well-appointed houses had their yard and security lights on. There is no way I would make a clean getaway if someone popped their head out the door. I saw a house with building work out the front which actually had a portaloo. But **** me if I was going taking my chances in a builder’s loo in the pitch dark. So found a bush and just in time- unleashed more ripe midden and the bang off it- honestly did not smell human and to add to the indignity some leaves I had used earlier were stuck to my tights.

Off I went again. Gingerly making my way and another 5 minutes up the road another overwhelming urge- Round ****ing 3 no less. Next to a police station there was a electrical sub station off the street which was sufficiently sheltered and dark. Unleashed more midden. It was like a bowl of melted Dairy Milk- I took my phone out and switched on the light as I just had to see what the **** could possible be left. Was half expecting to see last years Christmas dinner.

I actually took time to relax here as it was very sheltered but as I am there in full squat this other runner made an effort to stare right in as he passed. He must have seen me in the distance running across the road and disappearing into the bushes as there is no other reason to make such an effort to gawk in- we made eye contact. **** him. Found a decent size dead leaf but Jaysus I was red raw and it hurt. Off I went again but my last 5km pace home was unusually slow.

In the shower later some more leaves feel onto the tray. This morning I feel like I lost about 2 stone in weight. I’d say it will be next Monday again before I am back at the pool. I realise now that not feeling in top form earlier on was my body's way of telling me that all was not well. The body is like that..it knows it is "off" before the brain is told.

You may give up the running it’s not agreeing with you

Hector Savage · 25-11-2020 4:47pm

partyguinness wrote: »

I know. The thing is I did my usual constitutional earlier in the day but I think there was something dodgy going on. On a strict running schedule which I have to stick to so you gotta soldier on.

I'll be keeping one eye on the local rag over the coming weeks to check if there are any reports from "outraged" and "furious" local residents complete with grainy CCTV footage of my deposit outside that block of flats.

! Can you imagine!

I occasionally see human dumps about the place, it's quite common in Spain, they seem to love dropping the cacks and just scuttering on the ground - especially in hiking areas ! - bizarre.

Filthy kernts.

BrianD3 · 25-11-2020 5:26pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

! Can you imagine!

I occasionally see human dumps about the place, it's quite common in Spain, they seem to love dropping the cacks and just scuttering on the ground - especially in hiking areas ! - bizarre.

Filthy kernts.

Posters in this thread could get a Spanish Caganer of themselves made up and put it in the Crib at Christmas.

https://www.dailynews.com/2014/12/16/in-spain-pooping-ceramic-figures-of-famous-people-are-a-thing-really/

Hotblack Desiato · 25-11-2020 7:19pm

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

In tears. I can't get this image out of my head...

*passes USA tin to doctor
" there you go Doc, help yourself"

"Sorry I'm late doc, it took me two weeks to fill it"

Bartyman · 25-11-2020 7:25pm

I'm surprised none of the regular posters here, Breno, The Emmet lad or "The Nev" have paid a little poetic tribute to the "passing" of Johnnyflash.

All we can hope is that he clocked off in the same style as Elvis

.

Ar dheist Dé go raibh a anam dílis

3d4life · 25-11-2020 7:50pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

! Can you imagine!

I occasionally see human dumps about the place, it's quite common in Spain, they seem to love dropping the cacks and just scuttering on the ground - especially in hiking areas ! - bizarre.

Filthy kernts.

I put it to you that most people hiking in Spain hail from Germany

Brendan Bendar · 25-11-2020 8:07pm

3d4life wrote: »

I put it to you that most people hiking in Spain hail from Germany

:eek:

Was there a waft of bratwurst off the pile?

Brendan Bendar · 25-11-2020 8:11pm

Bartyman wrote: »

I'm surprised none of the regular posters here, Breno, The Emmet lad or "The Nev" have paid a little poetic tribute to the "passing" of Johnnyflash.

All we can hope is that he clocked off in the same style as Elvis .

Ar dheist Dé go raibh a anam dílis

When the Fcukker appears back there will be one, and it won’t be complimentary.

In fact I’ll give you a brief preview now that you mention... just title and first verse?

*********************The Porcelain Kernt***********

He rose up from the S- Bend

The oily stinking log

With the waft of parsons midden

Dug from a sewage bog.

**************

They say he passed upon the throne

But now the fcukers back

The bang of scutter everywhere

Brown ,green but mostly black

Just a taster.......

25-11-2020 8:28pm

Running has thought me several things :

I hate it I'm rubbish at it You can't outrun a sh1t

fuerte1976 · 25-11-2020 9:29pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

When the Fcukker appears back there will be one, and it won’t be complimentary.

In fact I’ll give you a brief preview now that you mention... just title and first verse?

*********************The Porcelain Kernt***********

He rose up from the S- Bend

The oily stinking log

With the waft of parsons midden

Dug from a sewage bog.

**************

They say he passed upon the throne

But now the fcukers back

The bang of scutter everywhere

Brown ,green but mostly black

Just a taster.......

Fantastic taster B.
Reckon we'd recognise the posting style of 'the deceased' if the miraculous occurs??

Brendan Bendar · 25-11-2020 9:41pm

fuerte1976 wrote: »

Fantastic taster B.
Reckon we'd recognise the posting style of 'the deceased' if the miraculous occurs??

We’ll get the stink...

Dual wheels · 25-11-2020 9:54pm

Bartyman wrote: »

I'm surprised none of the regular posters here, Breno, The Emmet lad or "The Nev" have paid a little poetic tribute to the "passing" of Johnnyflash.

All we can hope is that he clocked off in the same style as Elvis .

Ar dheist Dé go raibh a anam dílis

We did last week but the thread got closed, not sure why, Johnny had his faults like being fond of a drink and harassing women but he loved a good sh1te and his diet contributed to his impressive efforts in the toilet department

Slideways · 25-11-2020 11:35pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Had a terrible experience last night. I may have mentioned before I do a lot of running- 60-80km every week spread out over 5 runs. Last night I had to run for 75mins which is about 15km.

I’m just wondering what do you be at tht you only get 15km in over 75 mins. Do you be stopping for the groceries and calling in to elderly neighbours

What's the etiquette here??

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