Feeling uneasy after session with therapist

Teapot30 · 16-01-2019 9:52pm #1

Hi, im not sure what I should do.

Ive started seeing a new therapist, she's not cheap but I thought I would go to see someone properly qualified after some awful experiences with low cost therapists. I had seen a therapist last year through the HSE, she was brilliant and I did make allot of progress in so many ways but our sessions wearnt long enough for me to see any real change, this left me hopeful that a properly trained therapist could help me but now im having doubts.

Ive had two appointments with her so far, the first one went very well, I was surprised at how much I opened up and how intense the session was so I was happy to continue seeing her.
Our second session was a disaster, she didnt really ask me many questions, instead she kept trying to guess how I was feeling without actually asking me and repeatedly used loose terms like 'Youre feeling lost'.

Through out the session there was allot of long silences, Id finish speaking and instead of saying anything she just stared at me for a few minutes before saying 'it sounds like you feel lost' she would then insinuate that she could feel what I was feeling.

Half way through the session took a weird turn, she misinterpreted something I said and asked me was I afraid of my anger? When I told her no and that im not really an angry person, she kept pushing it. Said that im afraid of my anger and that im fearful of what might come out or ill lose control.. I told her no, when I get very annoyed I express how im feeling verbally by getting my point across but thats it, I dont lash out or get violent or anything else but then she told me that my fear of my anger may be subconscious so im probably not aware of it.

She asked me how I assert myself and if im capable of doing so, I said I was and gave her an example of a time I asserted myself but she read into it to much and blew it way out of proportion, said it sounded like I emotionally crushed the person I asserted myself too and it sounds like they became a frightened child.
This was not at all what I said and this was not what happened - far from it but no matter what I said to her it made no difference as she had her mind made up.

She then jumped from this to asking me if the person I was assertive to apologised to me? when I said no she said dont you think you had a right to an apology? and then she told me how this other person should have handled the situation and that they should have apologised, I said it didnt matter that much I just wanted the issue sorted out and it was sorted and that was the end of it.
It was a silly innocuous situation that she blew out of all proportion while jumping from one extreme to the other, on one hand she described me as a tyrant, on the other she was asking why I hadn't expected an apology and suggested I wasnt assertive.
The entire session was so weird and pointless. At times I felt judged and throughout I felt misunderstood. She pulled faces at me a number of times during the session making me feel very judged and like she had this really bad opinion of me and jumped to her own conclusions about things that I said.

Should I end the sessions now or give it time and see how the next one goes? As I said the first was great but the second was weird, frustrating and I sat there for the entire time thinking to myself I cant believe im paying nearly 100 euro for this.

Any thoughts?

What should I do?

Sardonicat · 16-01-2019 10:01pm

From what you've posted here i think you should end the sessions.

Teapot30 · 16-01-2019 10:38pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

From what you've posted here i think you should end the sessions.

Does it really sound that bad? Im confused.

Faith · 16-01-2019 10:56pm

You mentioned she’s “properly trained” - what does that entail? Her language sounds more psychoanalytic than, say, CBT. That can be an uncomfortable experience if it’s not what you’re expecting. She could just be a shîtty therapist too. It sounds like she was trying to reflect back what you were saying, but doing a bad job at it!

Given you’ve only just started your relationship with her, I’d say you can do whatever you feel is best. You might be a bit wary and uncomfortable in future sessions so it might be better to find a new therapist that you feel more comfortable with.

Hannibal_Smith · 16-01-2019 11:26pm

At times I felt judged and throughout I felt misunderstood. She pulled faces at me a number of times during the session making me feel very judged and like she had this really bad opinion of me and jumped to her own conclusions about things that I said

This isn't how you should feel coming out of a session with a counsellor.

16-01-2019 11:28pm

Follow your gut!

When you find the right therapist you will know. And that process can take some time but it’s worth it.

ChrissieH · 17-01-2019 11:10am

Hi Teapot,

It doesn't sound good BUT maybe that's what you need? I can see that the therapist's comments really got to you and maybe that was her intention; to challenge you to think about things differently?

I do think it seems a bit early for her to be doing that, after only 1 session, but it's possible?

It's hard for anyone else to advise you on this because it's such a personal thing, but at the moment, it's completely 50/50, with the first session being great and the second one being weird, so maybe a third one will tip the balance and make your decision clear?

Mr. Incognito · 17-01-2019 11:39am

Hi there

Unfortunately therapy and Counselling is not regulated in Ireland so a lot of people are unsuited and unqualified and yet are charging more that GPs for their time.

I would end the sessions and look for someone more suitable. Ask for recommendations and try to go to centres where there are a number of practicioners and not one person practices.

ChrissieH · 17-01-2019 1:11pm

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there

Unfortunately therapy and Counselling is not regulated in Ireland so a lot of people are unsuited and unqualified and yet are charging more that GPs for their time.

I would end the sessions and look for someone more suitable. Ask for recommendations and try to go to centres where there are a number of practicioners and not one person practices.

you can check the IACP or the IAHIP websites - the therapists listed there are fully qualified / educated / experienced & accredited.
Sometimes it's just down to a personality mis-match rather than qualifications, just like doctors etc. Everyone has a different way of doing their job. I went to a therapist who was extremely highly educated with 20+ years experience, but she just had the completely 'wrong' personality for me.
In our first (and only) session, I felt similarly frustrated and uncomfortable to OP - I felt misunderstood and disliked, and that I was being pigeon-holed and judged by her.
I switched to someone younger who I had initially dismissed due to her age, and it turned out to be the best decision ever.

There are different methods of counselling, as Faith pointed out, and maybe she is into psychoanalysis.
Having periods of silence is part of therapy too - a good therapist will leave silences because people don't go to hear the therapist talking! - lots of people are naturally reluctant to talk about important, deep stuff, so if you were to go quiet in therapy as you reached a critical point where you are considering "will I say this or not?" or you're simply processing stuff, lost in thought, and the therapist jumped in and started talking... that wouldn't serve you well.

Teapot30 · 17-01-2019 6:34pm

Thank you to everyone who replied.

Ive been to therapy before and there were periods of silence but it was different, the silence was organic and appropriate, in this situation it was uncomfortable and awkward and was there throughout from beginning to end. There was no contemplation happening, from the minute I walked in and said hello there was a long awkward pause were she stared at me and for almost 100 euro an hour id rather not waste the time sitting in silence.
She may have been trying to challenge my thinking but I feel she went the wrong way about it, as one poster put it, I felt pigeon holed, she continuously put words in my mouth, made assumptions, took a black and white view of everything I said and tried to guess my feelings without really asking me - At times it was like she was attempting a cold reading like a psychic would, it was very strange. For what she was charging it wasnt worth it so I contacted her today and ended our sessions and ive felt relief since doing so. Having continued seeing bad therapists in the past to see how things would go ive learned that its not worth my time or theirs. I think at this stage I will contact my GP for a recommendation.

Thanks again. x

Mr. Incognito · 18-01-2019 1:52pm

ChrissieH wrote: »

you can check the IACP or the IAHIP websites - the therapists listed there are fully qualified / educated / experienced & accredited.
Sometimes it's just down to a personality mis-match rather than qualifications, just like doctors etc. Everyone has a different way of doing their job. I went to a therapist who was extremely highly educated with 20+ years experience, but she just had the completely 'wrong' personality for me.
In our first (and only) session, I felt similarly frustrated and uncomfortable to OP - I felt misunderstood and disliked, and that I was being pigeon-holed and judged by her.
I switched to someone younger who I had initially dismissed due to her age, and it turned out to be the best decision ever.

There are different methods of counselling, as Faith pointed out, and maybe she is into psychoanalysis.
Having periods of silence is part of therapy too - a good therapist will leave silences because people don't go to hear the therapist talking! - lots of people are naturally reluctant to talk about important, deep stuff, so if you were to go quiet in therapy as you reached a critical point where you are considering "will I say this or not?" or you're simply processing stuff, lost in thought, and the therapist jumped in and started talking... that wouldn't serve you well.

i think you are confusing accreditation with regulation.

They are entirely different things.

One is a piece of paper saying you are certified.

Regulation is an independent oversight which regulate the standard and quality of that care.

WarpAsylum · 18-01-2019 4:02pm

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

i think you are confusing accreditation with regulation.

They are entirely different things.

One is a piece of paper saying you are certified.

Regulation is an independent oversight which regulate the standard and quality of that care.

ChrissieH did not mention regulation, she said members of the IACP and IAHIP are fully qualified / educated / experienced & accredited. This is correct.

Regulation is on the near horizon and both the IACP and IAHIP have been driving forces behind it.

Her advice to seek an accredited therapist from either site was good advice, as is yours here:

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Ask for recommendations and try to go to centres where there are a number of practicioners and not one person practices.

Teapot30 · 19-01-2019 3:06pm

The therapist is accredited, that's why I went to her, I thought by seeing someone accredited and expensive I would get a similar experience as I had gotten with the HSE therapist, I thought the session would be a little more professional than what ive experienced with low cost counselor.

Paddy Cow · 19-01-2019 3:49pm

Teapot30 wrote: »

The therapist is accredited, that's why I went to her, I thought by seeing someone accredited and expensive I would get a similar experience as I had gotten with the HSE therapist, I thought the session would be a little more professional than what ive experienced with low cost counselor.

I had an initial consultation for €120 with a highly qualified therapist. Absolute waste of money. She was like yours. Didn't really listen to me and was more fixated with trying to push her version of therapy on me, than listening to my needs. My best counsellor was also a HSE one. Sometimes people with loads of qualifications forget that they are talking to real people. They can also be clouded by their own personal bias.

Purple Mountain · 19-01-2019 6:35pm

Well done.
Its important that you feel 100% comfortable with your therapist otherwise its counterproductive.
Its not uncommon to trial a few therapists before you hit on the right one.

klm1 · 21-01-2019 1:58pm

OP, you know in your own heart and head that you need to find a new therapist. It's the therapist's job to make you feel at ease, to the point that you feel safe and comfortable to open up and discuss issues that you wouldn't discuss elsewhere. It's not her job to try and label your feelings. She's there simply to help you see them.
Finding a paid person that you feel comfortable to chat with about your deepest issues isn't easy. Recommendations mean more than qualifications or accreditations.

chicorytip · 24-01-2019 11:35pm

What is the definition of the "best" or "right" type of counselling or psychotherapy? In order to be effective it needs to be challenging in the sense of assisting the "patient" - for the want of a better description - to overcome whatever obstacle they are facing. This can be a lengthy and, at times, brutal process for the individual being counselled. The "best" type of counsellor, in my view, is not the type in whose company I feel the most comfortable but rather the type that will make me feel quite uncomfortable by focusing on the harsh and unpleasant measures I may need to take in order to become better. None of us enjoys hearing bitter home truths concerning our own attitudes, opinions and behaviour.

sparkledrum · 25-01-2019 12:25am

If you feel judged or labelled, I don't think that's a good thing. It will just make you more hesitant about sharing your feelings. A bond needs to be built and it sounds like she is doing the opposite.

joeguevara · 25-01-2019 5:46am

A therapists role is to make you comfortable and allow you to confront issues. Sometimes they will challenge you and you won’t always like them. But making personal comments like this is not a strategy unless it is directly linked to part of you and they want you to confront it. If not move

chicorytip · 25-01-2019 1:34pm

joeguevara wrote:

A therapists role is to make you comfortable and allow you to confront issues. Sometimes they will challenge you and you wonâ€™t always like them. But making personal comments like this is not a strategy unless it is directly linked to part of you and they want you to confront it. If not move

I think the OP should have remained with this particular counsellor for much longer and by doing so would have gained a better understanding of the approach and tactics she
was attempting to utilise. This could never be achieved on the back of just two or three sessions.

Paddy Cow · 25-01-2019 7:52pm

chicorytip wrote: »

I think the OP should have remained with this particular counsellor for much longer and by doing so would have gained a better understanding of the approach and tactics she
was attempting to utilise. This could never be achieved on the back of just two or three sessions.

The sessions are costing €100 a go. That's a lot of money to spend to be made feel uncomfortable. It's not up to the patient to invest their time and money understanding the therapist. The therapist is supposed to be trained to understand the needs of the patient and work with them.

Teapot30 · 26-01-2019 3:15am

Thanks everyone,

I agree that therapy should be challenging but the therapist wasnt hearing me while very obviously judging me in the process. No matter what I said she jumped to extremes and at times it was like she was describing a different person, I felt like I was trying to convince her or like I was trying to get her to believe me. When I described situations that ive experienced she took a very black and white view, she was very negative and there was no talking to her as she had her mind made up. I felt as though I had done something wrong and this made it very hard for me to open up. After the session and ever since ive been very self conscious and have been doubting myself. I cant shake the feeling of being misunderstood and worry that other people are precieving me the same way the therapist did. If I felt that I could go back and explain myself or help her to understand me better I would but I know that wouldnt work because she doesnt really listen, she makes her own conclusions and thats that so whats the point?

When I went to the HSE therapist the sessions where challenging and often uncomfortable but in a positive way - if that makes sense. She heard what I was saying, she believed me when I told her how I felt and if something she said didnt relate, we discussed it, within a couple of weeks my relationships improved outside of therapy, I was much more confident and happier over all and I never ever felt judged, I could tell her anything and she would have tried to understand so I could talk to her openly, not only this but she used therapeutic and psychological techniques which were very challenging but pushed me in a positive way.

Since going to the HSE therapist ive learned what a good therapist is, someone who judges, disbelieves and projects their own issues or biases onto a client isnt a good therapist imo.

It wasnt worth the cost.

Faith · 26-01-2019 11:12am

chicorytip wrote: »

I think the OP should have remained with this particular counsellor for much longer and by doing so would have gained a better understanding of the approach and tactics she
was attempting to utilise. This could never be achieved on the back of just two or three sessions.

There’s lots of evidence to show that the biggest predictor of therapy outcomes is the therapeutic relationship. If the OP immediately felt she didn’t gel with the therapist, then it’s likely the therapy wouldn’t have been as useful as it could have been. If she’d gelled with her but found it challenging, I’d have recommended sticking it out for the reasons you say.

Either way, she has made the decision to change therapists now so it’s all moot

Feeling uneasy after session with therapist

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