Potential relationship with a Brazilian guy.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2019 9:58am #1

Hi All,

Looking for some outside perspective to make sense of my situation. I'm an Irish guy living in Dublin; I'm in my early 30s. I've been single for several years. However, recently I met a Brazilian guy in his late 20s. We've been out a few times and it's been enjoyable. He's an easy going, nice looking guy; although we scarcely know one another, we seem to get along pretty well.

However, there are a few things preying on my mind. He's already told me that he only has a stamp 2 visa that facilitates English language courses. He does not have EU citizenship by virtue of Italian or Portuguese ancestry. I'm a fairly pragmatic person by nature and I guess I'm thinking what future does this have if he can only remain in Ireland for a limited time.

Secondly, and I hate mentioning this, but I've heard some horror stories about Brazilian lads. It might all be hearsay, but I've heard tales of cheating and people being manipulated into marriage. I kind of hate myself for noting, what is essentially gossip, but equally I don't want to be played here. Like I say, the guy I've met seems sounds and I can't imagine any behaviors like that, but we hardly know one another at this time.

I'm really not sure what to do here. One part of me is saying you've been single for a long time and have finally met somebody nice, give it a chance. The other part of me is rationalizing the situation, saying this has a limited shelf life and to pull the plug on it now before it goes any further. I guess it's heart vs. head.

Has anybody here been in a similar situation? How did you approach it? Would love to get some impartial advice from other people.

Thanks a million.

thenumber3 · 24-08-2019 3:15pm

Unfortunately, more often than not, the horror stories are justified. Personally I'd run a mile unless they had their own money and long-term / working visa.

Annasopra · 24-08-2019 3:41pm

I think you should take the risk on the relationship and not believe stereotypes that because he is Brazilian that he will cheat and manipulate you into marriage.

Sometimes we all need to take positive risks in life.

Go with it for now. Try to get to know him and drop the irrational judgement of him based merely on his nationality.

If you dump him because he's Brazilian and this means that he might cheat on you or might manipulate you into marriage that's frankly silly and stupid.

Ten of Swords · 24-08-2019 5:08pm

ReallyUnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

I've heard some horror stories about Brazilian lads. It might all be hearsay, but I've heard tales of cheating and people being manipulated into marriage.

Some people lie, cheat and manipulate situations. Nationality has little to do with it. If you must judge him then do it on his own merits instead of where he is from.

suicide_circus · 25-08-2019 9:00am

not exactly applicable but as i've stated elsewhere i was an English as foreign language teacher several years ago in dublin, most of my students were south american. the entire set up of the school was to facilitate people taking advantage of student visas to come here and work. there was no learning of english going on. students came and sat in the class, chatted, slept, got their stamps and went off. The owners of the school, staff and students were in on the racquet. Do i blame the students? No a bit. The owners were profiteering scumbags however. None of this has anything to do with Brazilians cheating in a relationship but i would have your wits about you and if marriage gets mentioned ridiculously early i would be suspicious.

zig · 26-08-2019 11:15am

I happen to know alot of Brazilians, some legal, some not, some with limited Visas, some with Irish passports. Im going out with a Brazilian girl.

My advice would be get to know him first and then judge for yourself.

Regarding the visa, find out what his future plans are? And how long as he been in the country etc. The fact that he has a visa at all means he's already a level ahead of many Brazilians here who are illegal and still will probably stay here indefinitely. There are different paths to getting residency and eventually an Irish passport.

Regarding cheating, yes that reputation isnt unfounded, however I know alot of decent Brazilian guys that would never consider it. Its one of those situations where perhaps in Ireland if 5% of guys cheat, then in Brazil maybe its 10% if that makes sense, I just made up those figures, but my point is dont let something go based purely on speculation.

As for the marriage, honestly I dont know where thats coming from other than the fact that Brazilians (both sexes) do tend to marry earlier than most (and also get divorced more) but they are also very easy going and understanding that other cultures are different.

My overall opinion of Brazilians is they are alot more like us and alot more "normal" so to speak than you'd imagine. Things arent set in stone with them because they are hard to offend! Thats why they fit in here so well.

bikeman1 · 26-08-2019 12:21pm

I would definitely go for it. Just always remember about your understandable fears, about being conned into a marriage.

I have been to Brazil, the place has plenty of life and many can have a good quality of life, which some other Central / South American countries could only dream of.

When you get a bit more comfortable with him, explain your fears and that there have been horror stories. They all have one of their friends who have done something to get a visa, but to be honest it is hard to live such a lie for a long time.

The latinos are great fun to be around, you will see a similar family value. Also they are great in bed! Make sure you both get checked TOGETHER, and clear that one up early on. Every nationality known to man cheats, including Irish lads and especially when it comes to gay men.

Ironicname · 26-08-2019 3:43pm

ReallyUnsureWhatToDo wrote:

Secondly, and I hate mentioning this, but I've heard some horror stories about Brazilian lads. It might all be hearsay, but I've heard tales of cheating and people being manipulated into marriage. I kind of hate myself for noting, what is essentially gossip, but equally I don't want to be played here. Like I say, the guy I've met seems sounds and I can't imagine any behaviors like that, but we hardly know one another at this time.

I would hate to mention it too if I was you, because it comes across as extremely prejudiced and nasty.

gmisk · 26-08-2019 10:58pm

Tell him you don't believe in marriage...see how he reacts.

I would be a tad sceptical to be honest.

CosmicFool · 26-08-2019 11:29pm

If you've only met the guy recently and already feel the way you do now it's really doomed to fail. Is there any point in going forward?

c.p.w.g.w · 26-08-2019 11:39pm

I'd imagine the legal status of the "Brazilian" in the OP is enough to be of a genuine concern i'd imagine

Annasopra · 26-08-2019 11:44pm

CosmicFool wrote: »

If you've only met the guy recently and already feel the way you do now it's really doomed to fail. Is there any point in going forward?

This is silly. He has some fears. Some are justifiable (the persons legal status). Others are maybe less so because they are based on urban myths and stereotypes. Its completely to work through those fears and for the relationship to somehow potentially work out.

Annasopra · 26-08-2019 11:46pm

c.p.w.g.w wrote: »

I'd imagine the legal status of the "Brazilian" in the OP is enough to be of a genuine concern i'd imagine

Yes I think that is genuine concern but it doesnt mean it cant be overcome or that one should assume the worst because he is Brazilian. Not sure why have "" around Brazilian though.

Barna77 · 29-08-2019 2:34pm

Avoid

LegacyUser · 30-08-2019 12:22am

It’s the OP returning. Thank you all for your responses; I really appreciate it. Some very different perspectives here ranging from total skepticism to blind optimism. That pretty much mirrors what’s running through my head.

Just to clarify a couple of things. The lad is in Ireland legally; he has a stamp 2 visa and plans to re-new later this year. He’s also not escaping an impoverished background back home. From what he has told me, his quality of life in Dublin is a significant downgrade on his situation in Brazil.

I didn’t mean to imply that I feared being manipulated into marriage. I’m no fool and would never be coerced into doing something I didn’t want to. I guess what has the alarm bells ringing for me is that the visa situation has been raised every time we have met so far, including earlier this week. I’m well aware that it’s an issue, but I’m concerned that it’s been a topic of conversation so early and so often.

One poster here alluded to getting “checked together”. To be honest, that’s also a concern preying on my mind. I’m very cautious about my health and I’ve read the statistics about the high rates of STIs amongst Latin Americans. I have no idea about how to broach this subject with someone I’ve only met a half dozen times, but I realize this conversation has to happen if things come to that. I’m sweating bullets here even thinking about this 😊.

Despite my reservations, I really enjoy the lad’s company and always end the evening with a smile on my face. He’s good craic and like another poster said, surprisingly ‘normal’, despite being from such a different culture. I don’t want to just pull the plug on somebody who seems to be a decent human being. I’ll go with this for a while to see what happens, but I will be taking on board the feedback here to tread very cautiously.

Thanks again for your answers. If you have anything other feedback based on my latest response, I’d love to hear it. Also, if anybody has direct experience of dating a Brazilian, it would be great to hear your thoughts.

zig · 30-08-2019 7:22am

Just go for it seriously. You obviously like him. Even if it goes wrong you won’t regret trying.

Brazilians aren’t from another planet, they’re just people and Brazil is a Western world a lot more than you think.

It’s worth noting, a lot of Brazilians have good lives back home. The ambitious ones just don’t see the point in working there for about 20% of what they could earn here.

Annasopra · 30-08-2019 7:54am

If you want a relationship with this guy then perhaps you need to think beyond stereotypes of his nationality.

gmisk · 30-08-2019 7:57am

Ok so

I guess what has the alarm bells ringing for me is that the visa situation has been raised every time we have met so far, including earlier this week.

Run IMO

Goodshape · 30-08-2019 9:56am

I think maybe you should enjoy the moment, stop worrying about ifs and whens so much.

Sounds like a relatively new relationship with a guy you like. Every new relationship has unknowns and uncertainties. If he was proposing marriage, I might be worried. Otherwise enjoy what you have.

VeryUnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

if anybody has direct experience of dating a Brazilian, it would be great to hear your thoughts.

I dated a Brazilian for eight years. Never unfaithful, never used me for a visa. We're still good friends.

gmisk · 30-08-2019 10:12am

Goodshape wrote: »

I think maybe you should enjoy the moment, stop worrying about ifs and whens so much.

Sounds like a relatively new relationship with a guy you like. Every new relationship has unknowns and uncertainties. If he was proposing marriage, I might be worried. Otherwise enjoy what you have.

I dated a Brazilian for eight years. Never unfaithful, never used me for a visa. We're still good friends.

In contrast...I have a friend of a friend who married a brazilian guy..then was dumped by him within 6 months....when he had flown out to visit him when he was back in Brazil for a holiday (he was in a relationship back in Brazil seemingly for the majority of the time they were together).

Ironicname · 30-08-2019 10:40am

Goodshape wrote:

I dated a Brazilian for eight years. Never unfaithful, never used me for a visa. We're still good friends.

gmisk wrote:

In contrast...I have a friend of a friend who married a brazilian guy..then was dumped by him within 6 months....when he had flown out to visit him when he was back in Brazil for a holiday (he was in a relationship back in Brazil seemingly for the majority of the time they were together).

It's almost as if...... You shouldn't judge people on the actions of others because they are all different.

Mad how some feel it's ok to judge based on their experience of someone else because of the actions of others.

Would it be ok for someone straight to say, I'd be wary about all homosexuals, any gay person I met was an absolute nightmare to deal with.

Barna77 · 30-08-2019 10:44am

VeryUnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

One poster here alluded to getting “checked together”. To be honest, that’s also a concern preying on my mind. I’m very cautious about my health and I’ve read the statistics about the high rates of STIs amongst Latin Americans. I have no idea about how to broach this subject with someone I’ve only met a half dozen times, but I realize this conversation has to happen if things come to that. I’m sweating bullets here even thinking about this 😊.

I don't see an issue there. I met a guy years ago and both got tested -his idea- straight away before things went any further. It didn't bother me at all that he asked me to do it.

gmisk · 30-08-2019 10:52am

Ironicname wrote: »

It's almost as if...... You shouldn't judge people on the actions of others because they are all different.

Mad how some feel it's ok to judge based on their experience of someone else because of the actions of others.

Would it be ok for someone straight to say, I'd be wary about all homosexuals, any gay person I met was an absolute nightmare to deal with.

I agree........but would the below line not give you cause for concern?
If it was my mate in same position I would tell him to have a serious think about getting involved with this guy.

I guess what has the alarm bells ringing for me is that the visa situation has been raised every time we have met so far, including earlier this week.

Do you not think that is slightly worrying?

Annasopra · 30-08-2019 11:07am

gmisk wrote: »

I agree........but would the below line not give you cause for concern?
If it was my mate in same position I would tell him to have a serious think about getting involved with this guy.

I guess what has the alarm bells ringing for me is that the visa situation has been raised every time we have met so far, including earlier this week.

Do you not think that is slightly worrying?

Possibly but maybe the Brazilian guy is anxious that if he enters a relationship then he might have to leave once his visa runs out.

I am not sure why some posters jump the gun and insist on thinking the Brazilian guy might be an STI laden conman.

Maybe the best thing the op could do is have an open honest conversation and say "I noticed you are worried about your visa do you want to talk about it?"

gmisk · 30-08-2019 11:12am

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Possibly but maybe the Brazilian guy is anxious that if he enters a relationship then he might have to leave once his visa runs out.

I am not sure why some posters jump the gun and insist on thinking the Brazilian guy might be an STI laden conman.

Maybe the best thing the op could do is have an open honest conversation and say "I noticed you are worried about your visa do you want to talk about it?"

I would never say something like that about anyone based on their nationality etc....but his constant references to his visa situation on every single occasion they have met....makes me think he could be playing the OP....
But he needs to talk to him as you say.

postero · 30-08-2019 11:15am

Just go for it and convince him to let you move with him to Brazil....Ireland is the bigger kip.

Not in Kansas · 30-08-2019 11:32am

Are you usually a good judge of character? If so, trust your instincts!

The bringing up of the visa regularly could simply be because it is at the forefront of his mind, and also because he is being honest about his position because he likes you!

To join in on the one-Brazilian-I-know-is-like-this-therefore-they-all-are offerings, the happiest gay couple I know are an Irish-Brazilian match. Married and all they are with no coercion involved!

Goodshape · 30-08-2019 11:55am

Barna77 wrote: »

I don't see an issue there. I met a guy years ago and both got tested -his idea- straight away before things went any further. It didn't bother me at all that he asked me to do it.

Same. Myself and current partner both got tested within a couple weeks of meeting. Was just good peace of mind and seemed a perfectly natural and normal thing to do once we realised we might be together for more than a handful of nights. Allowed us to have more fun without worrying.

No point being shy about your health.

gmisk wrote: »

I would never say something like that about anyone based on their nationality etc....but his constant references to his visa situation on every single occasion they have met....makes me think he could be playing the OP....

OP is also on here asking questions about visa issues. Could just be on both their minds as they're contemplating the relationship.

OP: stop worrying so much. Talk to him. Enjoy yourself

Gael23 · 07-09-2019 7:36pm

Have heard the horror stories of Brazilian nationals pushing for marriage simply to get citizenship. If you love him I wouldn’t necessarily run but proceed with caution. If he mentions marriage ridiculously soon after things get serious then I would swiftly end it

Ironicname · 07-09-2019 7:46pm

Gael23 wrote:

Have heard the horror stories of Brazilian nationals pushing for marriage simply to get citizenship. If you love him I wouldnâ€™t necessarily run but proceed with caution. If he mentions marriage ridiculously soon after things get serious then I would swiftly end it

Haha. Let's just stereotype. It's ok to do it to other people.

Annasopra · 10-09-2019 12:59pm

Gael23 wrote: »

Have heard the horror stories of Brazilian nationals pushing for marriage simply to get citizenship.

Is this like the urban myth about a woman leaving her pram on the bus. It might have happened once but there's now thousands of pram stories and everybody knows someone who knows someone who's cousins aunties brothers wife was on the bus when the pram was left behind.

Potential relationship with a Brazilian guy.

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