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Gay marriage and surname

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  • 09-11-2020 5:43am
    #1
    Noddy45
    Registered Users Posts: 49 ✭


    I was just wondering... when two men or two women get married, do they also take the others surname? For example, Mary o neill married John Flynn, so then her name may change to Mary Flynn - does that also happen with gay marriage? And how do people add the name? What must they do?


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    #2
    techguy
    Registered Users Posts: 2,228 ✭✭✭techguy


    I'm not LGBT+ but have often been curious about this.

    I think the tradition of the woman taking on a mans surname is kind of old fashioned and doesn't fit with the modern take on womens rights, imho. So, I don't think it is interesting to try and match that or go with tradition.

    I have often seen double barrelled approaches and most time, the couple just keep their individual identities.

    The most interesting I have seen is from a male/female marriage where they made up a portmanteau, from both surnames. From "Templeman" and "Huckstein" came "Templeman". I thought that was very cool if I am honest, but I do understand that not all names suit that approach.

    532301.png


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    #3
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,056 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    There are no laws about this in Ireland - you can do whatever you like.

    The convention that a woman who marries a man adopts her husband's name seems to me to have weakened in recent decades, but perhaps to have recovered a bit of ground more recently. But that's just a subjective impression - I could be wrong. I don't know any same-sex couples where one spouse has taken the other's surname but, again, that could just be because I don't know enough same-sex couples. Still, I think it's pretty rare.

    Rarer still are the cases in which the couple adopts a portmanteau surname, as above, or where they both abandong their surnames of origin and agree on a completely new surname that they will both adopt.


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    #4
    Tig98
    Registered Users Posts: 363 ✭✭Tig98


    Its a straight convention, maybe even a Catholic one? I know that in Jewish culture "the bloodline passes through women" or something to that effect, meaning that children take their mother's surname.

    I think its only really necessary if you intend to have kids, otherwise its more symbolic than practical. If I were to settle with a guy in my home town who is from a few counties over it would be a very meaningful gesture to take his surname. You lose a lot of identity when you leave your home place so it would be nice to make an equal commitment to him.


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    #5
    Sesame
    Registered Users Posts: 507 ✭✭✭Sesame


    It's not necessary to change your name, for kids or otherwise.
    I'm married and we both still have our original names. At the time, I thought about it for about a millisecond when asked by others and decided that, for me, I wasn't interested in having my husbands name. And he didn't expect me to.
    Our children have a different name again. I love that we all have our own. Doesn't mean we are not a family, just a family of unique, stubborn individuals.


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    #6
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,056 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    Tig98 wrote: »
    Its a straight convention, maybe even a Catholic one? I know that in Jewish culture "the bloodline passes through women" or something to that effect, meaning that children take their mother's surname.
    Jewishness is inherited through the female line. Which is to say, you're Jewish if your mother was Jewish.

    But (from the time when various Jewish communities adopted surnames, which was generally at the same time as the non-Jewish communities within which they were living) the practice has nearly always (and possibly always always) been for Jewish children to inherit their father's surname.


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    #7
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,798 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Noddy45 wrote: »
    I was just wondering... when two men or two women get married, do they also take the others surname? For example, Mary o neill married John Flynn, so then her name may change to Mary Flynn - does that also happen with gay marriage? And how do people add the name? What must they do?

    They can do whatever they want

    I have seen

    A Both partners keep their birth names
    B They have a double barrelled name - e.g. flynn o'neill

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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    #8
    Noddy45
    Registered Users Posts: 49 ✭Noddy45


    Thanks to all for your answers. But if a guy wants to take on his husbands surname, how does he go about it? How long does it normally take for women and I guess one would need to request new passports etc?


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    #9
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Noddy45 wrote: »
    Thanks to all for your answers. But if a guy wants to take on his husbands surname, how does he go about it? How long does it normally take for women and I guess one would need to request new passports etc?

    You can change by common usage - you just start using the new name. For any official documents you will need to show your marriage cert. It’s no different to a mixed sex couple changing their name, you can change straight away or as things need updating, whatever suits.

    The whole surname thing is very personal. It's no longer assumed a married woman will take her husband's name so I wouldn't assume anything with a same sex couple either.


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    #10
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Tig98 wrote: »
    I think its only really necessary if you intend to have kids, otherwise its more symbolic than practical.

    Its not even necessary when you have kids.


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    #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    If you're changing your name, you just need to provide a copy of the marriage license to the bank/passport office, etc. - I don't think it takes very long, but it was a while back when I did it, so I can't remember exactly.
    BTW, don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't - I'm a woman and took my husband's name because I wanted us to have a 'family' name.


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    #12
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    This is something my partner and I have discussed. We are undecided on what to do but these are our options:-

    - keep our own surnames
    - I take his surname
    - he takes my surname
    - we keep our surnames and double-barrel them (but in which order?! :D)
    - we both change surnames to a new one we like that is completely random
    - we both change surnames to a new one made up of a combination of our existing surnames

    At the moment I think we have almost settled on either me taking his surname or we both change surnames to something else that we like the sound of. We will have to wait and see I suppose.


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    #13
    Noddy45
    Registered Users Posts: 49 ✭Noddy45


    We’re thinking of me adding his surname to mine with an hyphen and we both use the same hyphened surname then.

    Like Patten-Delaware, for example.

    PFML84 wrote: »
    This is something my partner and I have discussed. We are undecided on what to do but these are our options:-

    - keep our own surnames
    - I take his surname
    - he takes my surname
    - we keep our surnames and double-barrel them (but in which order?! :D)
    - we both change surnames to a new one we like that is completely random
    - we both change surnames to a new one made up of a combination of our existing surnames

    At the moment I think we have almost settles on either me taking his surname or we both change surnames to something else that we like the sound of. We will have to wait and see I suppose.


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    #14
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    My partners surname is found in my surname, so combining our surnames would be like adding more of the same letters to it to make it longer and would look and sound silly, so that was one of the first options ruled out!


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    #15
    Dick Turnip
    Registered Users Posts: 982 ✭✭✭Dick Turnip


    Sesame wrote: »
    Our children have a different name again. I love that we all have our own. Doesn't mean we are not a family, just a family of unique, stubborn individuals.

    When you say your children have a different name again, do you mean they use double barrell of your surnames? Or completely different?


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    #16
    ongarboy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    A few of my gay male friends who married have kept their own names but two lesbian couples I know now go double barreled with both their surnames since they married. I can't go off that small example obviously but wonder is that a trend of sorts?


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    #17
    gmisk
    Registered Users Posts: 31,828 ✭✭✭✭gmisk


    I kept my own name.
    My husband uses mine on a lot things but not changed it officially just because he prefers mine to his own.


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    #18
    gmisk
    Registered Users Posts: 31,828 ✭✭✭✭gmisk


    I know quite a few gay couples who have married they all kept their own name


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    #19
    KaneToad
    Registered Users Posts: 3,160 ✭✭✭KaneToad


    Sesame wrote: »
    It's not necessary to change your name, for kids or otherwise.
    I'm married and we both still have our original names. At the time, I thought about it for about a millisecond when asked by others and decided that, for me, I wasn't interested in having my husbands name. And he didn't expect me to.
    Our children have a different name again. I love that we all have our own. Doesn't mean we are not a family, just a family of unique, stubborn individuals.

    Your children have a different surname to either of their parents?


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    #20
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    Friends of mine who are married kept both surnames and just double-barrelled them. It's just personal choice.


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    #21
    xeresod
    Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭xeresod


    ongarboy wrote: »
    A few of my gay male friends who married have kept their own names but two lesbian couples I know now go double barreled with both their surnames since they married. I can't go off that small example obviously but wonder is that a trend of sorts?

    Could be!

    I've noticed the same thing with my friends - in general the women double barreled and the men kept their own names, except for one case odd case when one guy kept his name and the husband double-barreled!

    I've also seen two different couples argue over who's name goes first so in both cases they each kept their own name first, e.g. Jane Doe-Smith and Jill Smith-Doe!

    (I'm have a slight evil streak: with one of those couples, when I introduce them after saying their names I say they're sisters-in-law who married each others brother - it still gets a rise out of them :D:D:D)


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    #22
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,141 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    I know two lads who got married and they kept only one surname, not sure how they decided who’s to use


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    #23
    Girly Gal
    Registered Users Posts: 2,812 ✭✭✭Girly Gal


    Locker10a wrote: »
    I know two lads who got married and they kept only one surname, not sure how they decided who’s to use

    I know a straight couple where the man took his wife's surname and can confirm that she's definitely the boss in her house.


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    #24
    __oc__
    Registered Users Posts: 154 ✭✭__oc__


    I took my wife’s surname (same sex) as double barreled was way too long! We now have a nearly 2 year old and I love that we all have the same surname


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