Alcohol ruining my life.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 11:58am #1

Going anon for this.

I have to stop drinking. It starting to destroy my life.
It’s affecting my personal relationships with friends, my romantic relationships (I lost a guy whom I really cared about recently due to the control alcohol has over me), my work, my health, basically it’s ruining everything.

I have tried to stop but I can’t.

My living and working situ doesn’t help. I live on my own and work from home,

I have gone to an addiction councillor 9 months ago who was very good but expensive. He told me to stop drinking for 2 weeks and if I couldn’t I needed to check into rehab. I can’t afford a rehab course.

I am going to speak to my doctor (again) about it and ask for medication.

Has anyone here been in similar situ or have any advice re. Quitting,
Anyone been to AA?

Thanks

Porklife · 11-10-2019 12:51pm

Hi Op,

Firstly well done on acknowledging that you have a problem and for trying to tackle it. It's a scary thing to admit to yourself but please know that you are far from alone. There are literally millions of people the world over suffering from the same addiction, some of whom aren't even aware or self reflective enough to know/admit there's an issue.
Secondly, know that this will most likely be a very long rocky road. This is not going to be easy but with the right tools and support you can absolutely do this. The most important factor is looking deep within yourself and asking do I really want to stop....am I really ready to do this because if even part of you still wants to drink then you won't make it.
I've never known anybody who quit first time round, almost everyone falls off the wagon a few times. The trick is to get back on it asap.
I'm not sure I agree with your councillor about the two weeks thing. I can go a month and just recently did a month dry but I absolutely still have a problem with alcohol.
Maybe go to an AA meeting and see how you feel. It may or may not be for you.
May I ask how much and how often you're drinking so I can get a better sense of your style so to speak?
Be strong Op. I know how hard this is and it can be very isolating and frightening. I'm here if you need someone to chat to.
Mind yourself x

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 1:00pm

Many thanks Porklife for replying.

I am just sick of the things I do and say when I am drunk
I become a different person and I am loosing people I really care about because of it.

Recently it’s gotten worse and I am now drinking about 1-2 bottles of wine per eve. Sometimes a bit more.
Last week one eve, I drank a bottle of white and half a bottle of vodka.

I've tried to ask doctors for help about this for the past year. They've all been useless.
I've been fully honest about my drinking with them.

I don't have any choice but to cut it out all together as I can't stop when I start.

I'm going to ask the doc to put me on a drug that makes you stop. I have to get something like this at this stage and couple it with councelling.

DaeryssaOne · 11-10-2019 1:02pm

Well done on acknowledging the issue OP, it's something a lot of people never do.
Apart from your doctor and possibly attending AA, there is a lot of other support out there if you know where to look.

This Naked Mind is a book that will completely change your view of alcohol and make you not actually want to drink it again, that makes the whole process so much easier as you don't feel like you're giving something up but instead the wool is falling from your eyes and you see it for the poison it really is. I would highly highly recommend this above all else.

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober is another great one as the author is very honest about what she was getting up to and how in denial she was with her problem but then also reflects hugely on the benefits of not drinking and how much happiness being sober has brought her.

If you're on Instagram, the likes of One Year No Beer and Sober Girls Society are just two to start with loads more available, they also recommend certain podcasts etc though I can't vouch for those myself.

The very best of luck OP, I hope you can beat this and learn how much happier, peaceful and calm your life is without drink.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 1:07pm

Many thanks for the book tips etc. I will check them all out.

kildare lad · 11-10-2019 1:09pm

I gave up drinking 5 years ago due to a medical condition . I wasn't an alcoholic but it affected my disease so I quit . I do miss drinking but that's life . I avoid pubs and if I've a wedding or party to go to, I'll go and have a bit of a chat and head home early , it's not ideal but it's better that spending days in bed getting sick and running to the toilet in pain But I was addicted to gambling so I know how hard it is to give up an addiction . I went to counselling , it didn't work because I wasn't ready or willing to quit. Gambling was f*cking up my life .

The way to beat an addiction is to find something positive to focus your energy into and occupy your mind away from your problem. You could join a gym , get a dog , take up a sport. I started fishing again . Being outdoors in nature is a good way of clearing the mind. I've meet plenty of new friends and we meet up now and again and head off fishing.

I've always had an addictive personality and thankfully I'm now addicted to fishing . More money , no stress ,except if I lose a big fish...lol. My best advice to you is to find something positive and get addicted to that .

Persiancowboy · 11-10-2019 1:28pm

I suspect another question or issue you will have to face up to is why? Why are you drinking so much....is it a symptom of some deeper issue or unhappiness? Is so you will obviously have to confront and deal with those issues first before you can overcome your drinking.

Best of luck......

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 1:28pm

Thanks Kildare Lad.

Yes I need to start doing other things in the evenings. Things to occupy myself.
I want to kick this poison and get my life back again.

Everyone around me drinks but I’m the only one who looses it emotionally when I do. I have to address a lot of underlying emotional problems too which are causing the boozing.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 1:33pm

Persiancowboy wrote: »

I suspect another question or issue you will have to face up to is why? Why are you drinking so much....is it a symptom of some deeper issue or unhappiness? Is so you will obviously have to confront and deal with those issues first before you can overcome your drinking.

Best of luck......

Yes, I agree.
I have been through a lot in my life and esp. It really started about 6 years ago and never stopped. I never got the right help at the time. I am dreadfully unhappy at the moment and have been for past 3 years, I feel really alone and concerned for my future mentally and financially.

[Deleted User] · 11-10-2019 1:39pm

Definitely check out a few AA meetings..they can work..

https://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/aa-meetings/find-a-meeting.299.html

Best of luck with it anyway..

BrokenArrows · 11-10-2019 1:47pm

Is there any way you can stop working from home?

I have the freedom to work from home when i want, and on occasion ive had a beer or two at lunch just because it was in the fridge, and i dont have a drinking problem, so it must be an impossible temptation for you.

If your company dont have an office to work from, is there any office sharing spaces that you could use nearby like a WeWork office?

Change your routine.
Gym in the morning.
Work from an office.
Long walk in the evening. Go to the cinema.
Find a hobby.

Any close friends or family who would be willing to let you live with them for a few weeks so they can watch you, distract you and help you get through the initial period of not drinking?

[Deleted User] · 11-10-2019 1:50pm

It seems to be a bit radical to say it in this day and age, but I actually think a lot of these "supports" are giving people a cop-out from sorting things out themselves.

The drink took me for years. I was a slave to it, and that really isn't the slightest exaggeration of my reality. It came to its defining moment, as these things invariably do, and I chose love and a future - being a sentient being once again aware of the beautiful and little lives which depended upon me. It was an honour thing, spurred on in my case by the then arrival of my first child and by the needs of a beautiful woman who had nothing but love for me (like everybody with an addiction, the addiction was first for me).

I did two things. First, I avoided all pubs/hotels and the like. I simply did not go out as the temptation could conquer me. I had to protect myself, so I politely declined invites and arranged to meet people in coffee shops or the like instead. Second, I removed all alcohol from my home so that there was no temptation. That was it. I mulled over all sorts of supports but, really, I had to save me so the only rule was: no alcohol ever again. Ever. Yes, I ate healthier and exercised much more, but there was still only one absolute rule: no alcohol ever again. That kept everything simple in the turmoil of the loss of the early days.

It's almost 6 years now, and I no longer even have a desire to return to those years of waste, destruction, emotional numbness and abject selfishness. I genuinely do not miss alcohol in the slightest. It was also much easier to give up once I stopped surrounding myself by the drink culture I had always been surrounded by. That was the key cultural change I needed to make.

This country and its infuriatingly alcohol-soaked culture is afflicted with morons who make a big deal about alcohol - both drinking it and giving it up. You need to raise your consciousness of how short life is, and how shorter still are your healthy, productive years. If people who love you depend upon you, you know in your conscience you're not being honourable to them as well as to yourself. Honour. If you get as desperate as I became, you will find the will to give it up, the will for survival. Life is a million times better without being a slave to that most overrated and most romanticised of all drugs. Don't let any of the clowns tell you that you must be drunk to be happy. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 1:56pm

Thanks for your message broken arrow.

Yeah the daytime drinking started about a month ago. It doesn't happen all the time but when I am in my house on a lot of consecutive days. If I come down and there’s a half bottle of wine in the fridge, I’ll sit on it for the afternoon whilst I work, then it’s out to get another bottle. I could order another one at 10pm... Put it this way, it’s gotten to the stage that it seems impossible for me to leave booze in the fridge until the evening and stop drinking after I'm already pissed.

If it’s not there I don’t care and I wait until eve, but if it is, it’ll be gone. It’s pathetic and very upsetting. I sometimes made a rule to have no booze in the house during my the day, but if something happened which triggered stress, I’d just order one online.

I work from home 95% of the time.
Sadly I can’t change it but I may have to as you are right I am finding it a massive factor in this addiction.

punisher5112 · 11-10-2019 2:15pm

Could you rent out a room in some building near home that you could work from to get away from the desire to drink.

Is it because you feel lonely?

Is there a stressful event that caused the start or why did things change for the worse....

A lot is mentally controlled and is it that you could try and wean off slowly as in try to have some dry days and then get it to the point of just on a Friday or Saturday?

I don't believe a complete cut off always works to be honest and it's something you will have to really want and have the right head space to change either way.

Would you consider hypnosis or as others mentioned groups that can help.

Obviously don't answer anything if it's too upsetting or irrelevant etc.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 2:45pm

Deleted User wrote: »

The drink took me for years. I was a slave to it, and that really isn't the slightest exaggeration of my reality.

This is exactly how I feel. It controls me now. Everything I do seems to have to revolve around alcohol and I involve alcohol in everything I have to do. At 4pm (sometimes 1pm) I start thinking about going to the shop do buy a bottle, my brain saying 'Yeah, you deserve it, you've worked all day, it's normal, everyone does it, it's a reward!" Then part of my brain says "You don't need it, watch a movie and go without for this eve, that's what 'normal' people do" but needless to say, I always end up making that call to Deliveroo or walking to the shop. It's become a comfort blanket/a friend, but it's neither comforting me at all or particularly friendly to me after 4 glasses down.

Deleted User wrote: »

I did two things. First, I avoided all pubs/hotels and the like. I simply did not go out as the temptation could conquer me. Second, I removed all alcohol from my home so that there was no temptation. That was it. no alcohol ever again.

My issue is I drink at home 90% of the time. I rarely go to pubs and bars and rarely get asked out to them. So my red warning place is my actual home.

I also agree this has to be my attitude. No alcohol ever again. That's it, the party is over for a while until I get used to being a sober person. I have to start seeing it as a poison which is what it is, it's a nasty, filthy poison which is killing me and my relationships with all the people I care about.

Deleted User wrote: »

I no longer even have a desire to return to those years of waste, destruction, emotional numbness and abject selfishness.

I genuinely do not miss alcohol in the slightest.

They are very apt words. I would add in craziness, self-centredness, arrogance, distain, bitterness, resentment, bitchiness.

Deleted User wrote: »

This country and its infuriatingly alcohol-soaked culture is afflicted with morons who make a big deal about alcohol - both drinking it and giving it up. You need to raise your consciousness of how short life is, and how shorter still are your healthy, productive years. If people who love you depend upon you, you know in your conscience you're not being honourable to them as well as to yourself. Honour. If you get as desperate as I became, you will find the will to give it up, the will for survival. Life is a million times better without being a slave to that most overrated and most romanticised of all drugs. Don't let any of the clowns tell you that you must be drunk to be happy. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I agree 100% too. Everything here is drink related, I don't know anyone here in Dublin who doesn't drink at all. Every fella I have met drinks like a fish as does my family and friends.

Thanks for your post BTW.And well done on being 6 years sober. This is what I want.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 2:50pm

punisher5112 wrote: »

Could you rent out a room in some building near home that you could work from to get away from the desire to drink.

Is it because you feel lonely?
Is there a stressful event that caused the start or why did things change for the worse....

A lot is mentally controlled and is it that you could try and wean off slowly as in try to have some dry days and then get it to the point of just on a Friday or Saturday?

I don't believe a complete cut off always works to be honest and it's something you will have to really want and have the right head space to change either way.

Would you consider hypnosis or as others mentioned groups that can help.

Obviously don't answer anything if it's too upsetting or irrelevant etc.

Unfortunately what I do for work involves me being in an artists studio and that is in my house. I couldn't afford to rent a home and separate place to work. Although I have started looking into it. Being on your own sometimes all week/evenings and weekend, can be very hard and has made it very easy to let the booze take over. I think most people would turn into alcoholics it they lived in my situ for a month. That or they'd go insane.

Yes I think loneliness is a huge part of it. I lived overseas for a long time so I don't have a lot of friends here. I do have them but they are all married with kids and live miles away.

I went through a bad personal issue 6 years ago and that's when it all really started. I always drank, but nothing like this and it wasn't affecting my life in any negative way.

I have tried hypnosis for smoking and it worked for a week very well for me, but I ended up buying a pack. I have thought of it and will try just about anything that will help me get better and off this evil drug.

punisher5112 · 11-10-2019 2:57pm

I wish you the best of luck and be selfish if it feels that way and get yourself sorted....

Do you have a pet?

If not would you consider a dog and use that as an excuse to get out of the house.

Do you have hobbies other then art?
If yes go out and do them.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 3:02pm

punisher5112 wrote: »

I wish you the best of luck and be selfish if it feels that way and get yourself sorted....

Do you have a pet?

If not would you consider a dog and use that as an excuse to get out of the house.

Do you have hobbies other then art?
If yes go out and do them.

I have a cat so I can't really get a dog.

No, I don't really have hobbies, sadly the boozing has meant I've never really taken up an interest in stuff much other than boozing. I go to the cinema the odd time but I've never gone on my own. Bit sad really and something am going to do next week.

I have an idea for one or two things I want to take up so will start looking into that over the weekend.

I strongly feel a need to do something to meet more people. I need to volunteer or something. Serious thinking to be done in coming days.

One of the reasons that I don't have more mates around is that I have pushed a few of them away due to my behaviour when I have been pissed. I have spoken to people appallingly as I am angry about a lot of stuff in my life and where I am at. I've gone to numerous councelors to no avail. The booze brings all of my emotional issues when I drink too much. I can't hold down a relationship with a guy anymore as I end up just pushing them away after a few months. I can hide it for awhile but it always rears its ugly head eventually.

It's horrible as I am a totally different person when I am not drinking. I wouldn't say Boo to a fly in general and am normally upbeat and nice to be around.

punisher5112 · 11-10-2019 3:11pm

Dogs and cats can mix. Get a rescue dog that's already ok around cats or get a pup....
This may be a good thing.

We had 2 cats and had to re-home they now live in Germany and sleep with 8 dogs.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 3:20pm

punisher5112 wrote: »

Dogs and cats can mix. Get a rescue dog that's already ok around cats or get a pup....
This may be a good thing.

We had 2 cats and had to re-home they now live in Germany and sleep with 8 dogs.

The dog thing actually might be a very good idea for me. I don't have kids (thank Christ in my current situ) so it would give me something to focus my attention on and offer a sense of responsibility to something else rather than focusing on myself all the time. Would get me out into the fresh air too and help me get fitter. I've become so stagnant in the past 2 years that I have almost become afraid to change anything in my life.

kildare lad · 11-10-2019 3:57pm

Dogs can be great company , my uncle got one. He lives on his own and never had children . Dogs are like children anyway , they like to play , need exercise and are loyal. A French bulldog are nice breed of dog , small, friendly and a very sociable animal . Maybe you should look into getting one

stop animal cruelty · 11-10-2019 4:03pm

Hi Op, I have no experience with addiction, but can offer a few words.

There is an excellent rehabilitation service in Castleisland Co Kerry, Talbott Grove, but known the The Grove now.

I don't know where your located but it covers a majority of Munster area and takes in people from outside the area too.

You have taken the biggest and most important step, admitting you have a problem and willing to do something about it. Well done. I really hope you recover and believe you can.

Best of luck x

Porklife · 11-10-2019 4:10pm

I can totally relate to everything you're saying Op. Let's look at this in practical terms and leave the emotional side out of it for now. Feelings of guilt, regret, self loathing etc will not help you in your battle against the booze. You've gotta work on building back up your self respect and self worth. Every time a negative thought comes into your head, replace it with something positive about yourself.
Exercise is amazing and will benefit you mentally, physically and emotionally. If you can go just one day/evening without drinking it's a great start. One day at a time. Just one day. Take it by the hour if needs be. You'll wake up feeling proud of yourself and will want that feeling to continue.
You'll have more energy too so do some exercise. The exercise will release endorphins and make you feel happy and after having a work out you won't want to ruin the good work by drinking.
This is the approach I take. I stock up on healthy food and almost become addicted to making smoothies. Once you start feeling fit and healthy you're inclination to booze will start to fade.
One day at a time Op. You can do this. Please don't be too hard on yourself. So many people have fallen into the trap you're in. It doesn't make them bad people. As you said, alcohol is an evil drug.
Thinking about you and I really mean that.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 4:10pm

BrokenArrows wrote: »

Any close friends or family who would be willing to let you live with them for a few weeks so they can watch you, distract you and help you get through the initial period of not drinking?

Sadly no.

I have started reaching out to close friends to tell them. I've asked them to try and make a bit more of an effort to come over or get me out. I've asked them to support me and understand I need them at this moment. I will try to fill weeks/weekend up with stuff to do.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 4:23pm

Porklife wrote: »

I can totally relate to everything you're saying Op. Let's look at this in practical terms and leave the emotional side out of it for now. Feelings of guilt, regret, self loathing etc will not help you in your battle against the booze. You've gotta work on building back up your self respect and self worth. Every time a negative thought comes into your head, replace it with something positive about yourself.
Exercise is amazing and will benefit you mentally, physically and emotionally. If you can go just one day/evening without drinking it's a great start. One day at a time. Just one day. Take it by the hour if needs be. You'll wake up feeling proud of yourself and will want that feeling to continue.
You'll have more energy too so do some exercise. The exercise will release endorphins and make you feel happy and after having a work out you won't want to ruin the good work by drinking.
This is the approach I take. I stock up on healthy food and almost become addicted to making smoothies. Once you start feeling fit and healthy you're inclination to booze will start to fade.
One day at a time Op. You can do this. Please don't be too hard on yourself. So many people have fallen into the trap you're in. It doesn't make them bad people. As you said, alcohol is an evil drug.
Thinking about you and I really mean that.

Thanks very much for these words of encouragement.
You are right, one step at a time.

I have read books and watched youTube vids over the past year on alcoholism and a lot of them suggest this way of thinking.
Make a rule "I will not drink TODAY" and repeat next day etc.

I know this is going to be very, very hard. But I don't have any other option. I have to start seeing a bottle of wine as bottle of poison. Which is what it is. I know some people can handle their drink but clearly I can't.

I may be a quieter person without booze but I'll certainly be nicer one that most of my mates don't think is an addict or annoying bi*ch when pissed. As I said, I've already lost 3 good mates over this. I'm not losing a single other one going forward.

Also my washing might get done and my house kept a lot tidier on a regular basis. I have zero energy from drinking and am as unfit as f*ck.

I will take you advice well on board and pull out the Nutribullet

Thank you x

Porklife · 11-10-2019 4:36pm

That's exactly it....say to yourself I'm not drinking today or even I'm not drinking for the next hour and then distract yourself by going for a walk or watching a movie. At the beginning it's really difficult but it will get easier with each passing day. I got some Xanax from the doctor and it really helped for the first few nights. It made me sleepy and calm. Then I'd wake up feeling fresh and happy and with each passing day I felt prouder and prouder. I did a month dry and never felt better and like you, I was drinking every day. Wine was my tipple too. First few glasses felt warning and fun but by glass number four id be listening to Jeff Buckley crying my eyes out. Horrible. I'd wake up with such fear and anxiety that id reach for the bottle to "cure" myself and the nasty cycle continued.
You can do this Op. I've a dear friend who was spiralling out of control and he recently did six weeks dry.
It starts with one day. One day leads to another. You're stronger than you realize Op. You can do this!

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 4:45pm

Porklife wrote: »

I'd wake up with such fear and anxiety that id reach for the bottle to "cure" myself and the nasty cycle continued.

Meet yer sister...

Oh yes, I am marching into that doctor's on Monday morning and literally demanding the following and not leaving her office without:

A prescription for Selincro (same thing as Naltrexone).
Some valium/Xanax to help me sleep for the first 2 weeks.
A referral to an addition councelor in St John of Gods.
A referral to a shrink - a good one, who will actually get to the root of my problems which lead me to drink, once and for all.

To date all docs I have seen in the past year when I have spilled my heart out to them, have been rubbish - hence why I am still drinking.

Porklife · 11-10-2019 5:42pm

Overitforgood wrote: »

Porklife wrote: »

I'd wake up with such fear and anxiety that id reach for the bottle to "cure" myself and the nasty cycle continued.

Meet yer sister...

Oh yes, I am marching into that doctor's on Monday morning and literally demanding the following and not leaving her office without:

A prescription for Selincro (same thing as Naltrexone).
Some valium/Xanax to help me sleep for the first 2 weeks.
A referral to an addition councelor in St John of Gods.
A referral to a shrink - a good one, who will actually get to the root of my problems which lead me to drink, once and for all.

To date all docs I have seen in the past year when I have spilled my heart out to them, have been rubbish - hence why I am still drinking.

Doctors are very reluctant to give Xanax as it's so addictive but also they worry you'll mix it with alcohol which to be fair you probably would!
I remember begging my doctor for some and her saying you're not exactly the safest bet to not get addicted to them...heh....kinda funny sat there pleading for them before I'd even been given them, I was already acting like I needed them!
That said, they are a godsend and I hope your doctor gives them to you. I imagine they'd give them to you if you were in a treatment center. Just highlight to your doc that you are acutely aware of how addictive they are and you would never mix them with alcohol.
Fair play to you for starting this thread Op. It's a good step, you're on the right path, unfortunately it's a long road. You will conquer this though if you truly want to and I hope you do x

[Deleted User] · 11-10-2019 5:45pm

Yeah..stay the hell away from benzos..

tara73 · 11-10-2019 5:46pm

Overitforgood wrote: »

Meet yer sister...

Oh yes, I am marching into that doctor's on Monday morning and literally demanding the following and not leaving her office without:

A prescription for Selincro (same thing as Naltrexone).
Some valium/Xanax to help me sleep for the first 2 weeks.
A referral to an addition councelor in St John of Gods.
A referral to a shrink - a good one, who will actually get to the root of my problems which lead me to drink, once and for all.

To date all docs I have seen in the past year when I have spilled my heart out to them, have been rubbish - hence why I am still drinking.

see, a general doctor can only do as much as you listed above. your last sentence tells you're giving away your own responsibility for this drinking mess to the 'rubbish' doctors.

as said, they can assist with the things you described above but it's your own willpower which will bring you out of this, this and nothing else, no mediaction, no shrink, not even a specialised one. They can only assist. If your willpower isn't there, none of this will help.

what about AA? sorry if I overlooked it but I didn't read you tried them. I heard they're quiet good, they must be as there are the people with the same problem as you.

Overitforgood · 11-10-2019 5:53pm

Porklife wrote: »

Doctors are very reluctant to give Xanax as it's so addictive but also they worry you'll mix it with alcohol which to be fair you probably would!
I remember begging my doctor for some and her saying you're not exactly the safest bet to not get addicted to them...heh....kinda funny sat there pleading for them before I'd even been given them, I was already acting like I needed them!
That said, they are a godsend and I hope your doctor gives them to you. I imagine they'd give them to you if you were in a treatment center. Just highlight to your doc that you are acutely aware of how addictive they are and you would never mix them with alcohol.
Fair play to you for starting this thread Op. It's a good step, you're on the right path, unfortunately it's a long road. You will conquer this though if you truly want to and I hope you do x

A doc has given me Xanax before for anxiety and I've taken valium over the years on and off.

Actually when I went to my doc 6 months ago about this, she did give me Librium for a week, I continued drinking though. I took the tablets on occasions but not many. During the second week I took one in the morning for anxiety around 12pm. I sort of forgot about it after taking it. That night I went to a gig in the Olympia of a band I have wanted to see all my life. I was looking forward to it for months. I rallied about 5 of my mates up. I started drinking in the house at 5, had downed a bottle of white almost in an hour. Was half twisted by the time I got into town. Proceeded to drink all night.

I have never felt so drunk in my life. I was picking arguments with bouncers, giving out to other people at the gig. I had no iota how messy drunk I was.

I felt incredibly bad and remorseful for a fair few days after that. I couldn't work out how I was SO pissed. It was, I imagine the mixing of the booze with the Lithium. Never again would I do that.

I've been looking into rehab today, my health insurance I think will cover it. I'll speak to my doc on Monday.

Thanks again

Alcohol ruining my life.

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