Feel like I'm drifting

sinlessgunner · 21-05-2021 8:32am

I think people telling the OP to be grateful and just stop feeling bad because of what he has are really just out of order. Anyone, regardless of circumstance, is entitled to feel 'off' and they should never feel guilty for it.

OP you come across as a nice, considerate and grateful person in your posts, pay no mind to those being rude or disparaging.

To address the issue, yes things like counselling can help but much of the time I think people go through peaks and troughs in life for all kinds of reasons. I'm not in quite the same situation as you, but for various reasons I can relate to your situation. At one point just as the pandemic kicked off I was feeling a bit like yourself. My job wasn't really exciting me and the hobbies I enjoyed for years were doing nothing for me, I was in a bit of a funk. Then I lost my job due to Covid and it gave me a kick in the backside. Luckily I was able to find a new job but the start date was 10 weeks away.

So I had 10 weeks to do whatever I wanted but locked down to 5km for most of it. It really forced me to look inwards and fill my days with all kinds of things that I wouldn't normally do. I started practicing mindfulness, reading, picked up an instrument that I had neglected for some time, just walking on my own with no music/podcasts, did some gardening, took up woodworking and built a small garden shed. There was no big change, no great enlightenment, no grand gesture, but when the time came for me to start my new job I felt something I'd lacked for some time which was contentment.

Just being in the moment, appreciating the small things, and gradually realising that I had a nice life helped me out of the funk I was in. It had nothing to do with my job, or some sort of crisis about what I was doing with my life, it was just a natural malaise that had set in, I guess from routine. We are creatures of habit, so we tend to stick to certain patterns and behaviours. Sometimes just breaking that pattern can be enough to set us right.

Not suggesting that OP go off and repeat what I did, but maybe consider taking some time off work just for you. Do something you want to do, for yourself, and let yourself enjoy it. See if just doing something different to break the usual routine helps. Best of luck to you I'm sure it'll work out.

Wanderer78 · 21-05-2021 8:41am

Drifter_ing wrote:

TLDR: drifting/struggling, any suggestions?

Definitely suggest counselling, I think everyone should engage in therapy at some stage in life, particularly when life feels uneasy and uncertain, could be difficult to find one at the moment though, but since you're financially stable, this should make things easier. Best of luck

Bobtheman · 23-05-2021 10:47am

Realistically at this point you ain't changing careers. I'd say you need to volunteer.
There is a dip in mood late 40s. It's scientifically proven.
I went through a similar thing but in a destructive way. I drank! I'd avoid that.

I needed to get my head out of my arse. Volunteering is the way to do that. Care for others. It might be coaching your son or daughters team.
It might be visiting elderly people. Whatever.
We often think we need motivation first and then the effort. It is actually the other way round. Start something new and then the motivation will follow

listermint · 23-05-2021 10:51am

Huge amount to be said for hobbies or working through lots of things to find a hobby you like. And or volunteering.

You could but an old cycle bike and restore it. Or an old motorbike. Or try your hand building a table or a chair.

Anything really the mind demands to be busy or social. Sometimes in equal measure.

lisabiscuit · 23-05-2021 11:07am

The happiness U curve. It's a real thing and there are many study's carried on about it. My husband was listening to something about it on the radio recently but I can't remember what station he said.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/

LegacyUser · 23-05-2021 5:29pm

lisabiscuit wrote: »

The happiness U curve. It's a real thing and there are many study's carried on about it. My husband was listening to something about it on the radio recently but I can't remember what station he said.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/

Thats interesting. Like other posters I think those few posters that immediately jumped on the OPs case for simply saying how he felt are the ones that ought to feel ashamed of themselves.

I think I'm in a similar boat to OP (-the kid at and the wife) and it was actually kind of reassuring to know that its not necessarily these things that were contributing most to the dull sense of malaise or whatever you might call it...

In my case I sort of dont know where to start with finding something to fill the void or give me back some positivity/motivation - everything seems like it might not work before I start (i the sense that I dont think it will help) and I'm reluctant to put time/energy into something I'm not confident Ill care about shortly after I've started it....which is a sort of catch-22 situation

I was thinking of tackling it in a scientific fashion and getting a detailed personality type test that would highlight strengths/weaknesses etc etc (I know I'm leaving myself open to being torn to shreds even mentioning personailty tests in the same sentence as scientific but I'm talking something that identifies abilities/personailty traits etc etc - something I'd be willing to pay for that might put me on the right track to the kind of activity/ even hobby that I would find fulfillment in)

I was also thinking another part of the puzzle for me could be lack of confidence/not great self esteem (even though I've been told I dont come off that way - guess I've developed a way to mask it socially) - and perhaps there is a person out there that can help me with developing more confidenc and self esteem like a life coach etc etc

As I write the above it seems strange even to me as by a lot of peoples standards I have very little to complain about financially and in other ways but I do feel like I'm underachieving and I am quite unhappy and I need to do something about it but I'm trapped in a slump/funk/fog whatever you want to call it and feel like I'm making less progress and sinking deeper as time goes by ......esentially as another poster put it...waiting to die.....

So what do people think of the above as first steps namely 1) identify your personality traits/strengths/weaknesses ......................with the best diagnostic service/professional out there and 2) get help to go after that goal with the best coaching professional/mentor/service you can find

Its the best I can come up with given that I cant settle on anything and at least its something proactive rather than just waiting this out and out of curiosity does anyone know any of these services/individuals that can help.......even with the first step, does any company individual provide indepth psychometric testing/personality testing to the individual so they can better understand themselves and what might motivate them to stop procrastinating and commit to a goal or find the types of goals that might engage/motivate?

RojaStar · 24-05-2021 3:24pm

interested poster wrote: »

Its the best I can come up with given that I cant settle on anything and at least its something proactive rather than just waiting this out and out of curiosity does anyone know any of these services/individuals that can help.......even with the first step, does any company individual provide indepth psychometric testing/personality testing to the individual so they can better understand themselves and what might motivate them to stop procrastinating and commit to a goal or find the types of goals that might engage/motivate?

You could try doing a free test like the one here www.16personalities.com. Personality tests are widely criticised for a number of reasons but they can be interesting to read and might even spark some ideas.

To the poster above, don't overcomplicate it. That can actually be a type of procrastination in itself. At the risk of oversimplifying, get out and walk with no headphones and just spend some time thinking. Do it regularly. Make an effort to spend time talking to interesting people. Read books because they spark an interest in you, as opposed to someone saying you "should". Expand your mind and the rest will follow.

dvdman1 · 24-05-2021 3:57pm

You need to alter any of these 3 things
Environment....get out of Dublin more
Interests.....speak to different people or read/watch different stuff.
Physical....exercise and or change your activities.

One of the best bits of advice I ever got was to stop thinking so much. Acting and doing are especially more important.

GalwayGrrrrrl · 26-05-2021 8:10am

You’ve already got lots of good advice here.
Just wanted to add another option for you. How about volunteering at an activity that your child does? Something like coaching the soccer team, helping with scouts, accounts for the judo club etc. Kids activities are always looking for help and it’s a great way to meet new people, spend time with your child and shift the focus from work. If it’s linked with a hobby you enjoy yourself you’ll meet like minded people. When you are busy with work and home adding another responsibility can seem overwhelming but I find it gives me energy if I volunteer and I get back much more than I give in terms of friendship/mental boost etc.

kob29 · 03-06-2021 5:53pm

Hi OP,
I think firstly you have to give yourself permission to not feel like you have to place work and professional ambitions at the centre of your definition of life fulfilment. Yea some people do but not everyone- 'work to live' as oppose to 'live to work' suits tonnes of people. I always thought while in college, early career years that I'd be highly professionally ambitious and all that jaz- at 45 now I'm actively avoiding promotions, my aim is to finish work as early as possible daily and weekly and keep work as low stress as possible and take the pay cheque and get a good nights sleep. But I know that I do need something else to invest my energy in- so I got a part time gig that feeds that part of me- it wouldn't feed my belly money wise but it ticks a different box that the day job doesn't.
Maybe the lack of challenge and comfort position in midlife has you rattled or conflicted?
Are there things you want to plan family wise....trips, experiences etc? Maybe there's an immediate focus to get excited about.
Sounds like a rut and conflict over expectations more than anything serious....but definitely no harm in checking it out.

JustAThought · 03-06-2021 11:17pm

I posted this somewhere here before but I think its great & really worthwhile. There is a series of questions evaluating contentment (or otherwise) with different parts of your life called the Circle of Life. It helps you focus on what is good and maybe rhe areas you never might address that are lacking or leaving your unfulfilled. Its part of a free online workshop series from the suicideorsurvive.ie website. Ifs not so much a suicide website as a multipart website developed by psychologists in TCD and medical specialists - its all free and very interesting. The charity (suicide or survive) that started it up funded all the research and hence its on its website. Its co-founder was tragically murdered in Spain a few years back - a great man, RIP.

Might be worth having a poke around there OP?

LegacyUser · 14-06-2021 12:13am

OP I could have written same I think if your working in the PS it can get very "samey" after so many years and your most definitely in a rut in the job, some people change but for others thats not so easy. Im in my early 40s, I decided i dont want to spend the next 20/25 years at a desk doing the same thing, i have decided to pursue financial independence(also called FIRE) - my aim is to become a little more frugal, track spending and regularly save and invest over time, with a view to having enough of a retirement pot and savings pot so that I could work part time in my 50s in a low stress job . Id recommend a book called "your money or your life"

Saving up the extra few bob might give you a goal to aim for and between now and then think of what your week might look like if your didnt have to work in your current job, money does not provide happiness but it gives your options, certainly i would like to volunteer more with my local sports club and i think its very important to keep connections.

Feel like I'm drifting

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