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11-06-2019, 14:38   #2776
GBX
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Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park. They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse is real.

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11-06-2019, 18:52   #2777
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Thought I saw the first ever skanger superhero today, he was running down the street wearing a cape.


Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut .
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12-06-2019, 17:12   #2778
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A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the crap out of them first."
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12-06-2019, 18:20   #2779
TheBody
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Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching.

I asked how she was getting on.

She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".
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12-06-2019, 18:42   #2780
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... "Since you took your Dove away.."
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18-06-2019, 10:12   #2781
M.T. Cranium
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Never be afraid to take on something new ... remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

-----------------------------------

Definition of a paedophile -- a snobby pedophile.

------------------------------------

I was told I was lacking in self esteem. I knew it was probably obvious to everybody.
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18-06-2019, 11:04   #2782
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I was new at golf, and I hit a ball into a pond.

One of the members told me, "you have three options. You can drop a ball where your shot crossed the red line, and add one stroke. You can go back as far as you want and drop, same penalty. Or you can play the shot again from the same position, one stroke penalty."

So I said, "okay, that's all very well, but while you were explaining that, a fish spat out my ball and it's over there beyond those white stakes, see?"

"Oh that's bad luck," I was told, "now your ball is out of bounds and you have to go back and hit again, add a stroke."

"Well I'm not sure it's my ball, probably my ball is still down there, and I can hit from here instead."

"God, you're learning this game fast, it's amazing the progress you've made in just one hole" said the member.

Then another fish spat out a ball right onto the fairway. The member went over and looked at it -- "are you playing a Titleist four with a black dot?"

"Yeah," I said, "pretty sure I was."

"Well that's too bad, because this is a Taylormade, your Titleist is o.b., maybe you do need more lessons after all."
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18-06-2019, 15:18   #2783
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My neighbours kids have challenged me to a water fight. I'm just waiting for the kettle to boil.
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18-06-2019, 16:59   #2784
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What’s the most common cause of dry skin?























Towels.
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18-06-2019, 17:44   #2785
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Quote:
Originally Posted by New Home View Post
What’s the most common cause of dry skin?


Towels.

Someone was listening to Dermot and Dave today I see!
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18-06-2019, 21:21   #2786
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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18-06-2019, 23:28   #2787
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Someone was listening to Dermot and Dave today I see!
Yep, my friend, who told me that joke after I sent her the one about the water fight.
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19-06-2019, 01:51   #2788
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My parents just told me they would love another child!

“Great, I would love a little brother” I said

“That’s not what we meant!” They replied
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19-06-2019, 08:47   #2789
Bob Harris
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I heard that Old Trafford is set for a name change to Netflix Stadium. 
It'll be known as the Theatre of Streams.
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19-06-2019, 22:50   #2790
TheChevron
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A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
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