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04-05-2021, 00:07   #46
barneygumble99
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You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.
Maybe it’s looks of envy you are getting, from relatives who settled!!
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04-05-2021, 00:08   #47
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Sounds silly but after just one night with too much drink & chatting in the pub, I absolutely knew I had met my soulmate. Engaged within 6 months & we are married 15 years with 4 kids. I’m in my late 30s. He’s a wonderful person & I feel very lucky. I had a long term relationship before him & I shudder when I think how I nearly settled. I’m sure plenty do.
Same. The guy I was seeing before my partner was just an absolutely horrible person. I didn't see it at the time but hindsight is 20:20 and all. I was definitely guilty of settling with him, and it's horrible to think of how close I came to a completely different path, one that would never have led me to my fiancé.
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04-05-2021, 00:08   #48
Church on Tuesday
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I'd be of the opinion that a lot of people think they're in love and get married then, only later to find out it's not true love (whatever that is). I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary in March. That's a milestone that will become rare going forward I reckon.
That's completely normal though and in many cases, essential. You need to clear the air from time to time. Every relationship is different but I'd be worried if there were no disagreements from time to time; I don't want a Stepford Wife.

One thing I will say is one should never go to bed angry with your partner, there is no need for the argument to last days on end. I strongly dislike drama so prefer honest communication (and active listening) on whatever matter is causing conflict.
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04-05-2021, 00:12   #49
Antares35
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You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.
People can be really nasty on the other side of that coin too. When I got engaged, my mother's weapon of a sister immediately said to her, "oh my daughter was just telling me about all her friends who are in their thirties now and are running out marrying the first man they find". Like, ok we get it, some people settle but no need to such a patronising bitch Doris
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04-05-2021, 00:12   #50
Hamachi
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Maybe it’s looks of envy you are getting, from relatives who settled!!
I think older relatives just want the best for you and for them, that’s seeing you settled with a partner. It’s not done out of malice; it’s just their worldview that’s outdated these days.

Many people are very happy being single. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you, it enhances your life immeasurably.
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04-05-2021, 00:24   #51
 
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Many people are very happy being single. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you, it enhances your life immeasurably.
I totally agree, but the key phrase there is 'if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you'. I'd much rather be single than be with the wrong person, but there are a lot of people out there who think it's more 'normal' to settle than to stay single. I've even had my (married) sister try to persuade me to 'lower my standards'. I mean, WTF?
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04-05-2021, 00:43   #52
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I totally agree, but the key phrase there is 'if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you'. I'd much rather be single than be with the wrong person, but there are a lot of people out there who think it's more 'normal' to settle than to stay single. I've even had my (married) sister try to persuade me to 'lower my standards'. I mean, WTF?
I get you on the settling thing. I don’t know how prevalent it really is, but I wouldn’t be too harsh on people who go that route.

Some people just aren’t wired to be alone and simply do better with a partner, even if that person isn’t their ideal. It mightn’t be for you (or I), but I definitely understand it.
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04-05-2021, 03:10   #53
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My own grandparents really have stirred such hatred within me towards pressure on people marrying for the sake of it. They are typical couple of their time in Ireland, 60 years ago, marry whoever is presentable uncontroversial local girl/boy choice and marry at the soonest time possible. Then land yourself a clatter of children within 5 years of the marriage and even if you are unhappy you may put up with it because divorce is just off the table. They lived completely separate lives under the same roof for their 60 years together, barely spoke. What is the point of forcing that. They didn't even force, they just put up with it, no effort from either to make the situation more enjoyable and liveable. They didn't even fight really, just completely indifferent. May well have been pieces of furniture to each other. WHY. I could never understand it even as a child. What a way to spend your life. Depresses the hole off me
Did your grandparents tell you this?
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04-05-2021, 06:40   #54
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That's completely normal though and in many cases, essential. You need to clear the air from time to time. Every relationship is different but I'd be worried if there were no disagreements from time to time; I don't want a Stepford Wife.

One thing I will say is one should never go to bed angry with your partner, there is no need for the argument to last days on end. I strongly dislike drama so prefer honest communication (and active listening) on whatever matter is causing conflict.
See, to me it should never get to that point, because if it does, something went wrong a while ago and wasn't addressed. Everyone knows, and advises that communication is key, but still very few practice it. I've personally found the best way is to make a smart arse comment about something that is irking you, or something that happened, and a natural discussion can happen from it. Instead, people let it fester and build up and then lash out. That's not healthy to me.

One of the few actual (non-physical) fights I've had was drink fuelled and I spent the next week apologising and making up for it, because it was a non-issue that I let fester, only over the space of a few hours, because of the drink, instead of my usual approach. I just think it's a waste of energy and time, and will change a persons feelings over time too.

It's the simplest of things, but mention something as soon as it irks, and clear the air there and then. They're not disagreements unless it devolves into one, but that's up to both sides to not let it, and should never go beyond that. If it does, to me, there are bigger issues and if it persists it's not worth the hassle.

I agree with your second point!
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04-05-2021, 07:49   #55
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Don't judge other people's relationships and don't assume they are settling. How do you know that anyway?
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04-05-2021, 10:30   #56
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Did your grandparents tell you this?
No their children did and also I have eyes and ears of my own
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04-05-2021, 14:41   #57
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Ah I've heard the "you really need to lower your standards" from people more times than I can count...

Since when is having a set of standards a bad thing?

I'd rather continue to single and happy than be in a relationship and feel like crap.
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04-05-2021, 14:56   #58
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my standards have risen as I got older, because I prefer being single, it will want to be a fantastic woman to get me to change my mind.
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04-05-2021, 15:52   #59
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I don't settle for second best. I'm not fussy but I wouldn't just settle for someone with a heart beat.
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04-05-2021, 16:21   #60
 
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Mod:<<SNIP>>
Well, don't you sound like a catch!

Last edited by New Home; 05-05-2021 at 16:31.
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