What's the etiquette here??

NeinNeinNein · 09-12-2019 4:11pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

My hoop is in a bad way these last few days, hurt the ****er with a wide load passing through a few days back and now everytime I sit on the throne and deposit a log it hurts.

pray for me lads...

God bless Hector Savage
Who's arsehole was ravaged
By a yule log challenge
So painful to manage
God bless Hector Savage

Amen

Hector Savage · 09-12-2019 4:36pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

God bless Hector Savage
Who's arsehole was ravaged
By a yule log challenge
So painful to manage
God bless Hector Savage

Amen

Robert Frost himself couldn't have done better!

Brendan Bendar · 10-12-2019 9:59am

Was attending a function on Sunday morning last in a North City costal location.

After a lovely breakfast I hit for the traps,always pristine, to clear out the guts.

Was confronted with a fcuking log like a Paschal Candle, in girth ,colour and smoothness,submerged

in the bottom of the pan.

No scree or rubble surrounded the log, like someone dropped in a jumbo Spring Roll.

Very strange...

Utter Consternation · 10-12-2019 10:29am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Was attending a function on Sunday morning last in a North City costal location.

After a lovely breakfast I hit for the traps,always pristine, to clear out the guts.

Was confronted with a fcuking log like a Paschal Candle, in girth ,colour and smoothness,submerged

in the bottom of the pan.

No scree or rubble surrounded the log, like someone dropped in a jumbo Spring Roll.

Very strange...

It's the time of year for miraculous sh1ts. People over indulging in very rich concoctions of food and beer can brew up some very mysterious things.

The 'immaculate excretion.'

NeinNeinNein · 10-12-2019 10:38am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

It's the time of year for miraculous sh1ts. People over indulging in very rich concoctions of food and beer can brew up some very mysterious things.

The 'immaculate excretion.'

It's beginning to look a lot like christmas alright, bought 2 of these at the weekend just to have some spares:

17031_P&$prodImageMedium$

Sharp MZ700 · 10-12-2019 10:56am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

It's the time of year for miraculous sh1ts. People over indulging in very rich concoctions of food and beer can brew up some very mysterious things.

The 'immaculate excretion.'

You're right there UC, all this rich food and chocolate treats beginning to tell here in the family home.
Toddled into the ensuite for a wazz around 4.30 this morning, what hit the nostrils can only be described as the waft of a seven year unemptied slurry pit.
There in the bog was a baby calf of a sh1t, keeled over against the side with its back sticking upwards like a humpback whale. The shine was gone off it so I knew someone at least had the decency to try flush it away.

Took 3 big flushes to wash the f<cker away, and I'm awake since in shock, not a happy camper. Of course when I confronted herself she denied all knowledge of it, had a right good argie bargie over breakfast.
Only when dropping my kids to school did my eight year old daughter put her hand up, she was distraught as she's really a quiet polite kid, she added that she "flushed the bottom one away but the top one got stuck dad".
Might reign in on the treats for a while.

fuerte1976 · 10-12-2019 12:02pm

The family & myself are availing of some Islas Canarias hospitality this week.. Input of everything is up, so thankfully the fine establishment we are docked in can handle the output.
Like most know, the settling in period takes a few days but the mix is still running a bit rich.
Poor Monica had the misfortune of attempting to clean the common area facilities while I was busy at work..
She let a screech out after walking into the lions den just a while ago.. Might need to ease off the tropical to let things bind a bit..

Utter Consternation · 10-12-2019 5:49pm

https://theecojet.com/

Seems to be a portable bidet. Might come in handy if you ever made the amateur mistake of dropping a load and forgetting to check the supply of bog roll.

JohnnyFlash · 10-12-2019 5:59pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

https://theecojet.com/

Seems to be a portable bidet. Might come in handy if you ever made the amateur mistake of dropping a load and forgetting to check the supply of bog roll.

Doesn’t seem that practical to me. Certainly won’t be buying one. I’d say some of you are used to carrying around a 5.9” battery powered device in your ‘manbag’.

partyguinness · 10-12-2019 6:03pm

Some lads here should be right at home with the ecojet. Just like the douche in the Boilerhouse.

Brendan Bendar · 10-12-2019 6:19pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Doesn’t seem that practical to me. Certainly won’t be buying one. I’d say some of you are used to carrying around a 5.9” battery powered device in your ‘manbag’.

Agree there John, would go for a re- cycled spray bottle of ‘Ovenclean’ well rinsed if I was that desperate and there would be no awkward questions to answer at security at the airport.

Would seem to me to be a ‘sit down’ cleanse and we all know that there can be fraught with problems.

Once the cheeks are tight and the hands are used there will be streaking in the ‘Biffers Bridge’ area which will need manual intervention eventually when the place crusts up and the tagg nuts solidify.

Needs an independent water outlet to allow the washee to spread the cheeks and allow free and solid access to a ‘proud’ and fully accessible dump valve.

This unit would not be a runner in my opinion, unless independently operated:eek:

Sharp MZ700 · 10-12-2019 6:52pm

They've missed a trick too in not making it smart. A direct stream to a phone, preferably the sh1tee's, to be sure of 100% cleanliness.
Smart capabilities could open up revenue streams in feedback to the likes of Preperation H and Pornhub et al, for lads who are into that sh1t.

JohnnyFlash · 10-12-2019 7:07pm

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

It's beginning to look a lot like christmas alright, bought 2 of these at the weekend just to have some spares:

If you purchased a quality piece of ceramic from a brand like Armitage Shanks then you won't need to replace the handle.

I'd suggest purchasing the following would be a far better investment as we rapidly approach the Christmas season:

serveimage?url=https%3A%2F%2Fd63z0236ucgyj.cloudfront.net%2Fproducts%2F0094474%2Fproduct%2Feurax-cream-10-30g-59ce16bb10801.jpg&sp=5bf3b73cc0311a0081de7489774a2410&anticache=986086

serveimage?url=https%3A%2F%2Fd63z0236ucgyj.cloudfront.net%2Fproducts%2F0094474%2Fproduct%2Feurax-cream-10-30g-59ce16bb10801.jpg&sp=5bf3b73cc0311a0081de7489774a2410&anticache=986086

serveimage?url=https%3A%2F%2Fdigitalcontent.api.tesco.com%2Fv1%2Fmedia%2Fghs%2Fsnapshotimagehandler_1920673969.jpeg%3Fh%3D540%26w%3D540&sp=a6282d77792674861e6cfbef97e58c25&anticache=581356

image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcdn-image.foodandwine.com%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2F1486414495%2Ftp-holder-beer-wine-fwx.jpg&w=400&c=sc&poi=face&q=85

EmmetSpiceland · 10-12-2019 7:15pm

partyguinness wrote: »

Some lads here should be right at home with the ecojet. Just like the douche in the Boilerhouse.

Was that one too weak for you, P?

Was never there myself, not my “scene”, you sound like you have an “intimate” knowledge.

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

They've missed a trick too in not making it smart. A direct stream to a phone, preferably the sh1tee's, to be sure of 100% cleanliness.
Smart capabilities could open up revenue streams in feedback to the likes of Preperation H and Pornhub et al, for lads who are into that sh1t.

I’d argue against this, S.

Last thing you need is to be in a vulnerable position only to have those blasted Russians, or Chinese, “hacking” into it and doing god knows what to you!

Would you trust them with your ring? I wouldn’t.

JohnnyFlash · 10-12-2019 7:29pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Was that one too weak for you, P?

Was never there myself, not my “scene”, you sound like you have an “intimate” knowledge.

I’d argue against this, S.

Last thing you need is to be in a vulnerable position only to have those blasted Russians, or Chinese, “hacking” into it and doing god knows what to you!

Would you trust them with your ring? I wouldn’t.

https://twitter.com/rorysutherland/status/1200891165018656769

Nevin Parsnipp · 10-12-2019 8:32pm

Went into Dublin City Centre today for some last minute shopping...rocked up to that new Wetherspoons in Lr.Abbey St....Silver Penny I think its called ...had two very nice beers the name of which i have forgotten.

Felt some slack in the bung hole which signalled possibility of activity in that area...bit like the Volcano in NZ.

Popped into a very well appointed kludgy........ into the stalls opened the breeks and unloaded a full arseload of rank midden at a pace which really took me by surprise.

Left a bit of a sting on the nipsy...not to mention the sour fent which hung around like a fog.

Was it the beer....or maybe the tin of sliders I ingested for brekkie ?

Brendan Bendar · 10-12-2019 9:29pm

Nevin Parsnipp wrote: »

Went into Dublin City Centre today for some last minute shopping...rocked up to that new Wetherspoons in Lr.Abbey St....Silver Penny I think its called ...had two very nice beers the name of which i have forgotten.

Felt some slack in the bung hole which signalled possibility of activity in that area...bit like the Volcano in NZ.

Popped into a very well appointed kludgy........ into the stalls opened the breeks and unloaded a full arseload of rank midden at a pace which really took me by surprise.

Left a bit of a sting on the nipsy...not to mention the sour fent which hung around like a fog.

Was it the beer....or maybe the tin of sliders I ingested for brekkie ?

Hope you stopped at Dennis Guineys for for a selection of ‘keyhole’ special offer skiddies....12 for €9.99.

Burn the hole off ya.

Sharp MZ700 · 11-12-2019 12:14am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

’d argue against this, S.

Last thing you need is to be in a vulnerable position only to have those blasted Russians, or Chinese, “hacking” into it and doing god knows what to you!

Would you trust them with your ring? I wouldn’t.

Stranger things have happened Emmet. A smart ecojet could be the next selfie stick.
I don't think the world is far off an "Arsetagram", where there'd be young fellas putting faces to their baldy bungholes to feed their neverending appetite for attention online and the need for "likes".
You'd have innocents like ourselves getting caught in the crossfire, hopefully it'd be on a good day when the arse grapes aren't bleeding profusely or the "long mile" dry-slurried. The Russians nor the Chinese wouldn't hold back with that info.

One can only live in hope though.

ITman88 · 11-12-2019 12:59am

Fellow gents,
My 1st post on this very informative thread,
Found an ideal sanctuary today to unload a kg or so of tunnel sludge.
Essentially I was traveling on the M6 from Galway heading East, as I approached the towns land of Ballinasloe I felt a twinge of volcanic activity in the southern creator.
I panicked for a brief period of time but quickly remember my proximity to the Athlone Applegreen just adjacent to the M6.
After goosestepping across the forecourt and into the shop like a Cessna landing on the Shannon I reached the bathroom. Wow.
Only 2 cubicles but both had full sized doors, full sized masonry walls each sides, ample supplies of 3 ply, and incredibly spacious.
I was able to loosen the bomb hatch and fire at will in the confidence the nothing was audible either next door or outside. The comfort of not having to wait for a hand dryer to start to muffle shots (covering fire It’s been referred to) was such a luxury.
So essentially the purpose of this post is the inform anyone that gets caught out in the West refuge is not far away!

Hotblack Desiato · 11-12-2019 1:26am

ITman88 wrote: »

The comfort of not having to wait for a hand dryer to start to muffle shots

Feck sake man, you're in the bog using it for its intended purpose

Fire away without fear or favour.

Nevin Parsnipp · 11-12-2019 10:32am

ITman88 wrote: »

Fellow gents,
My 1st post on this very informative thread,
Found an ideal sanctuary today to unload a kg or so of tunnel sludge.
Essentially I was traveling on the M6 from Galway heading East, as I approached the towns land of Ballinasloe I felt a twinge of volcanic activity in the southern creator.
I panicked for a brief period of time but quickly remember my proximity to the Athlone Applegreen just adjacent to the M6.
After goosestepping across the forecourt and into the shop like a Cessna landing on the Shannon I reached the bathroom. Wow.
Only 2 cubicles but both had full sized doors, full sized masonry walls each sides, ample supplies of 3 ply, and incredibly spacious.
I was able to loosen the bomb hatch and fire at will in the confidence the nothing was audible either next door or outside. The comfort of not having to wait for a hand dryer to start to muffle shots (covering fire It’s been referred to) was such a luxury.
So essentially the purpose of this post is the inform anyone that gets caught out in the West refuge is not far away!

Excellent opening post ...you are to be commended for passing on such valuable information.

Most people waste years on this forum posting about stuff like economic outlooks, the plusses and minuses of fiscal rectitude, the rise of right wing extremism etc etc etc...before moving on to the much more important topic of sh1ting etiquette and best kludgy behaviour.

You , my friend, have made the jump in record time and I hearby present you with a special loo roll and the title "Best Newcomer"Sh1te Writers Club.

gerrybbadd · 11-12-2019 1:17pm

I'm not one bit ashamed to admit it lads, but I was the one broke etiquette today.

So sick and tired of these animals landing into trap 2 beside me that I decided that today was payback time. I was gonna give it hell.

Now, not only was i bursting for a slash, but also to unleash a torrent of "earthworms in consistency" midden. In i land, into trap 2. There's a fella straining away, all polite in trap 1, with the odd cough to try and muffle the sound of his squeaky arse, obviously straining to keep it on the clutch.

I was having none of it. I fired with both barrels. The surface tension of the water was split asunder with an absolute deluge of sugar puff's smelling pi$$ and shortly thereafter (with a lovely synergous duet), the ripe scour. The two combined produced a fent not unlike a butcher's shop, meaty and irony.

I heard a gasp of disbelief from Trap 1 at the occurance afoot, and that just made me chuckle somewhat. I was like Gary Barlow heading out - Take That

u140acro3xs7dm · 11-12-2019 1:55pm

It seems as if there is a sister thread ongoing that we could contribute to.

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2058037165/1/#post111974277

LaFuton · 11-12-2019 1:59pm

currently producing a late morning dumpling

aahhh twas brillag

Bobblehats · 11-12-2019 2:01pm

LaFuton wrote: »

currently producing a late morning dumpling

aahhh twas brillag

Could you at least ‘log out’? Tell us about it afterwards

dulpit · 11-12-2019 2:10pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That toilet roll is backwards, and I will fight anybody who says otherwise...

Brendan Bendar · 11-12-2019 2:17pm

dulpit wrote: »

That toilet roll is backwards, and I will fight anybody who says otherwise...

And I reckon it’s piss in the glass as the can has not been opened.

Voodoomelon · 11-12-2019 2:54pm

From 6pm onwards last night, my diet consisted of:

Homemade Chicken Tikka Masala
Cappuccino
Two Mince pies with custard
Three pints of Guinness
Margarita
Spiced Rum and Coke

I got dressed this morning to go out for a jog and there was rumbles down below, whispers on the wind if you will that something bad was about to happen.
Into the jacks and was shocked when I started emitting explosive blasts of unspeakable matter into the bowl. When i stood up there was miniature pats stuck to the back of the bowl, like naan breads stuck to the inside of a tandoori oven. I actually said out loud "that's absolutely disgraceful". Took a two minutes and multiple flushes to get the bowl showroom fresh again. I need to stick to a more plain diet I feel.

Bullocks · 11-12-2019 3:02pm

dulpit wrote: »

That toilet roll is backwards, and I will fight anybody who says otherwise...

I'll be in your corner on that one dulpit . Whoever puts it on like that should be shot with a ball of their own sh1te!
It wrecks my head so much that I can't drop grout unless I turn it the right way round first

Sharp MZ700 · 11-12-2019 3:53pm

Bullocks wrote: »

I'll be in your corner on that one dulpit . Whoever puts it on like that should be shot with a ball of their own sh1te!
It wrecks my head so much that I can't drop grout unless I turn it the right way round first

Ditto. Philistines whoever did that. The can of Miller Lite is telling too. Amazed there's no dried snots on the wall.

What's the etiquette here??

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