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House share overnight guests advice

  • 03-12-2020 10:40am
    #1
    housesharer
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭


    Hi,

    I am looking for some advice on what people think is acceptable for overnight guests in a house share.

    I rent a house with 3 others and 2 have relatively recently got into relationships. Now obviously, with lockdown they shouldn't be having overnight guests, but I was told that they be meeting them outside and kissing anyway so if the GFs had it then the housemates would have it so there's no difference in them staying over. And look, I see so many other people breaking lockdown that I lifted my objection to overnight guests during lockdown.

    However, separately to Covid, one of the housemates is now on PUP and so is his GF so they are both spending 5-6 nights a week here. I think that's a bit much. They use the common areas to watch TV and play board games etc. During the week, I don't mind too much as I am working all day and having dinner, going for a jog, then watching some youtube in my room for a bit.

    But it's the weekends that are tougher. If I am not in the living room by mid-afternoon on a Saturday then they'll be in there all evening.

    He doesn't really go to her house, I suspect it's because they housemates aren't comfortable with breaking lockdown as much as this house seems to be and I think it's a smaller house than ours.

    The other housemate (Housemate 2) who has a new GF is a little better, his GF is here on weekends only. Again he doesn't go to her house too often.

    We had a previous housemate who had her BF over a lot and at the time Housemate 2 sent her a text saying her BF was here too much. However, he has now changed his tune. I suspect he wants to leave the option open for him to have his new GF here more often.

    I get that sharing with people requires compromise, so I am asking what do people think is fair in terms of overnight guests?

    My initial thought is on average 3 nights per week and they should spend a similar amount of time in the partner's house too. I definitely think Wednesday afternoon to Monday morning every week is a bit much.


Comments

  • #2
    El Tarangu
    Registered Users Posts: 1,615 ✭✭✭El Tarangu


    Way too much - 5-6 times a week is ripping the pee altogether.

    Twice a week is plenty (and this is leaving aside all of the covid stuff).


  • #3
    housesharer
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭housesharer


    I seem to have posted this in Third-level accom by mistake. Can a mod please move it to the regular Accom forum please?


  • #4
    Graham
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 17,642 Mod ✭✭✭✭Graham


    Mod Note

    Thread moved.


  • #5
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,000 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    Twice a week, three times max. And only one of those to be all day and night. If they want to spend more time together they should move in together. 5-6 times a week is a de facto housemate.


  • #6
    mel123
    Registered Users Posts: 2,189 ✭✭✭mel123


    I have house shared before and never again. If they are there all day, are they contributing more to the bills if for example the heating is on all day? That would annoy me. Secondly, you shouldnt have to 'claim' the living room by a certain time, if nothing else i would say to the housemate listen if you want to chill out all day do it in your bedroom on weekends or whatever, the living room isnt just for you and your GF.


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  • #7
    nerrad01
    Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭nerrad01


    Nip it in the bud, i had it happen previously and it progressed to her basically sneaking in and out of the house while living there to then overtly just living there. Call it out now as you will save yourself a lot of pain down the line


  • #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    mel123 wrote: »
    I have house shared before and never again. If they are there all day, are they contributing more to the bills if for example the heating is on all day? That would annoy me.

    Secondly, you shouldnt have to 'claim' the living room by a certain time, if nothing else i would say to the housemate listen if you want to chill out all day do it in your bedroom on weekends or whatever, the living room isnt just for you and your GF.

    On the first point OP you either put up with that in a house share or STFU and pony up for your own gaff, no ifs ands or buts. The road you're taking there is people measuring toilet paper, timing how long "your" kettle boils for "your" tea, and demanding to know "is that my salt?" if you're eating a bag of chips. Believe me, that's no exaggeration, I literally heard that, "is that my salt?". If you're the one who starts timing people in the shower then you're the one coming out looking like bit of an asshole.

    On the second point, again, what's the word of "house share" that should confuse the man? Both parties are paying rent, no one "claims" the living area, one guy is 100% equally entitled to walk in and out of the communal areas just as much as the other. If someone has a problem in his own home because his flatmate is playing a game of ludo with his girlfriend or whatever, well, the problem is in his head and not the flatmate, he shouldn't be so selfish.

    In all honesty, the other housemates are all paying rent there too. If you don't like the idea that their private lives all have to happen under the same roof as yours then I don't know - walk around nude all the time, or join The Amish. Either that or stop renting with people with the temerity to think they are entitled to treat their own homes like their own homes.


  • #9
    nerrad01
    Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭nerrad01


    Deleted User wrote: »
    On the first point OP you either put up with that in a house share or STFU and pony up for your own gaff, no ifs ands or buts. The road you're taking there is people measuring toilet paper, timing how long "your" kettle boils for "your" tea, and demanding to know "is that my salt?" if you're eating a bag of chips. Believe me, that's no exaggeration, I literally heard that, "is that my salt?". If you're the one who starts timing people in the shower then you're the one coming out looking like bit of an asshole.

    On the second point, again, what's the word of "house share" that should confuse the man? Both parties are paying rent, no one "claims" the living area, one guy is 100% equally entitled to walk in and out of the communal areas just as much as the other. If someone has a problem in his own home because his flatmate is playing a game of ludo with his girlfriend or whatever, well, the problem is in his head and not the flatmate, he shouldn't be so selfish.

    In all honesty, the other housemates are all paying rent there too. If you don't like the idea that their private lives all have to happen under the same roof as yours then I don't know - walk around nude all the time, or join The Amish. Either that or stop renting with people with the temerity to think they are entitled to treat their own homes like their own homes.

    By your logic everyone can do whatever the f*ck they want and its all grand because its your "home". But people dont because most people have a level of common decency.

    having your girlfriend over 5-6 nights per week is taking the p*ss by any measure. Pull him up on it, end of, its a house share but he should have a bit of common decency and act like a reasonable person.


  • #10
    ztoical
    Registered Users Posts: 4,788 ✭✭✭ztoical


    Deleted User wrote: »
    On the second point, again, what's the word of "house share" that should confuse the man? Both parties are paying rent, no one "claims" the living area, one guy is 100% equally entitled to walk in and out of the communal areas just as much as the other. If someone has a problem in his own home because his flatmate is playing a game of ludo with his girlfriend or whatever, well, the problem is in his head and not the flatmate, he shouldn't be so selfish.

    Big difference between a flatmate hanging out using a communal space and a couple monopolizing it. If you've ever house shared with a couple you know how awkward they can make it till you end up locked in your room all the time. Yeah the OP could just walk in and start using the space also while they are there but they shouldn't have to be made feel uncomfortable like that in their own home and have to fight to use a communal space.

    All the tenants are paying rent but their OHs aren't and the OP didn't sign up to share with couples.

    OP either set them down and agree some ground rules regarding partners staying or move out those are your only two options.


  • #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    nerrad01 wrote: »
    By your logic everyone can do whatever the f*ck they want and its all grand because its your "home". But people dont because most people have a level of common decency.

    having your girlfriend over 5-6 nights per week is taking the p*ss by any measure. Pull him up on it, end of, its a house share but he should have a bit of common decency and act like a reasonable person.

    Agree to disagree there I'm afraid. I mean sure, house rules and boundaries are 100% needed when you share, of course they are. But that means "can you please turn the volume on your stereo down after 9PM" which is perfectly reasonable. Not "pay 50% of the rent but please leave the room when I enter because I don't want you in it at the same time as me".

    Share if you want to share, be a hermit if you want to be a hermit, whatever you prefer.


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  • #12
    nerrad01
    Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭nerrad01


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Agree to disagree there I'm afraid. I mean sure, house rules and boundaries are 100% needed when you share, of course they are. But that means "can you please turn the volume on your stereo down after 9PM" which is perfectly reasonable. Not "pay 50% of the rent but please leave the room when I enter because I don't want you in it at the same time as me".

    Share if you want to share, be a hermit if you want to be a hermit, whatever you prefer.

    you cant honestly say someone having their girlfriend over 5-6 nights per week is reasonable? if they are in the only living room, they are likely watching a show on netflix or a movie or something at which point strolling in and sitting down during a love-in wouldn't be too enjoyable. its selfish behavior and anyone who would do that is a tw*t and needs to be pulled up on it.


  • #13
    usernamegoes
    Registered Users Posts: 901 ✭✭✭usernamegoes


    Deleted User wrote: »
    On the first point OP you either put up with that in a house share or STFU and pony up for your own gaff, no ifs ands or buts. The road you're taking there is people measuring toilet paper, timing how long "your" kettle boils for "your" tea, and demanding to know "is that my salt?" if you're eating a bag of chips. Believe me, that's no exaggeration, I literally heard that, "is that my salt?". If you're the one who starts timing people in the shower then you're the one coming out looking like bit of an asshole.

    The OP has not said anything remotely comparable to your examples. Those are absurd points.
    On the second point, again, what's the word of "house share" that should confuse the man? Both parties are paying rent, no one "claims" the living area, one guy is 100% equally entitled to walk in and out of the communal areas just as much as the other. If someone has a problem in his own home because his flatmate is playing a game of ludo with his girlfriend or whatever, well, the problem is in his head and not the flatmate, he shouldn't be so selfish.

    The words "house share" mean exactly that, that the house should be shared one person and his GF should not be able to decided unilaterally that they are in charge of the TV. People need to be conscious that they are sharing and should be respectful that other people may like to use the communal facilities.
    In all honesty, the other housemates are all paying rent there too. If you don't like the idea that their private lives all have to happen under the same roof as yours then I don't know - walk around nude all the time, or join The Amish. Either that or stop renting with people with the temerity to think they are entitled to treat their own homes like their own homes.

    The OP has said nothing of the sort, in fact it seems they have gone out of their way to accommodate their fellow housemates' private lives. What they are asking is, is what is fair when sharing. In a house share, each person has to compromise and it seems the other house mate isn't willing to do that.


  • #14
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    Why can't you go and join them? Even if you don't want to, that might make them feel a little uncomfortable and head up to the bedroom instead, so it's a win win


    Next time they have been hogging the living room all day, walk in and sit down with a cup of tea and start watching a movie with them or joining in on whatever they're doing, I bet you they will get up and leave eventually because they wanna be alone!


  • #15
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    housesharer wrote: »
    But it's the weekends that are tougher. If I am not in the living room by mid-afternoon on a Saturday then they'll be in there all evening.
    Sure, 5-6 days is a bit much, but as for the Saturday living room thing; tough?

    He pays rent, so gets to enjoy the space. I doubt you've said anything to him about it, so he probably thinks you're cool with it. At what time should he be "allowed" to use the sitting room that he pays rent for? One every 3 weeks? And what happens if no-one uses it? Then what?
    housesharer wrote: »
    We had a previous housemate who had her BF over a lot and at the time Housemate 2 sent her a text saying her BF was here too much. However, he has now changed his tune. I suspect he wants to leave the option open for him to have his new GF here more often.
    He's not saying anything as he'd be shooing himself in the foot.


  • #16
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    ztoical wrote: »
    Big difference between a flatmate hanging out using a communal space and a couple monopolizing it. If you've ever house shared with a couple you know how awkward they can make it till you end up locked in your room all the time. Yeah the OP could just walk in and start using the space also while they are there but they shouldn't have to be made feel uncomfortable like that in their own home and have to fight to use a communal space.

    All the tenants are paying rent but their OHs aren't and the OP didn't sign up to share with couples.

    OP either set them down and agree some ground rules regarding partners staying or move out those are your only two options.

    But you used the expression "locked up in your room all the time". Let's be honest here, that to me anyway, indicates a far more serious mental health issue with (not you!) people sharing.

    I mean to me the whole thing sounds like people afraid to make a cup of tea in their own kitchen because someone has their girlfriend around.


  • #17
    dartboardio
    Registered Users Posts: 2,436 ✭✭✭dartboardio


    Deleted User wrote: »

    I mean to me the whole thing sounds like people afraid to make a cup of tea in their own kitchen because someone has their girlfriend around.


    I agree with that part, I don't understand why OP can't go down and hang out with them watching TV or having a chat for a while if OP wants to use the sitting room and there is someone in there, surely that's the whole point of a house share anyway you can't go around dictating when you'll be able to use the sitting room alone..

    It's not against the law to go hang out with them, ye might even get on well who knows


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