Completely Put Off Having Children

Sparkey84 · 26-05-2020 11:57pm

to the op rest assured there probably is not a wrong decision here.
If you go ahead and have kids you shall love them and develop relationships that will define you as a person. they will give you joy, purpose pride and a real appreciation for life

if you don't you will never fully understand what you missed out on and will enjoy your early and mid life era well with holidays etx and can indulge in selfish times that us parents would be envious of.

i expect later life into old age for childless people might be more challenging but that would be a poor reason to have kids.

fair play for raising the topic its an interesting one

Also Starring LeVar Burton · 27-05-2020 12:03am

bubblypop wrote: »

All people who have kids will tell you it's life changing & kids are the most important thing in their lives. Their children give them reasons to live etc etc.
Great.
Fair play
They will look at people without kids & feel pity for them, for they do not understand the great love etc etc.
Whatever.
Some people want kids, some people are not bothered.
Some people who do not have kids have a great life. Some people who have kids think that those without are missing out.

It's very personal, for me, I don't want them. I have endless amounts of kids in my life, my niece & nephew are the most important, I would die for those kids. I have many friends with kids, they love me & I love them.
I don't have kids, I am not interested in having my own & the older I have gotten the less I would want them, I'm so glad I'm not a woman with a massive urge for kids.
I like my life. Just the way it is.

I was gonna post something along these lines, but bubblypop pretty much sums up my own thoughts on the matter with the above post.

ILoveYourVibes · 27-05-2020 12:06am

Lockdown has put me slightly off ..but not completely.

I just keep thinking its a good thing i don't have kids in lockdown.

I have a lot of insecurity in my abilities to potentially be a mother.

I do want to have one. But well only one. I keep thinking OMG that would be horrible for an only child to be in lockdown alone. They would be so lonely.

I think one is all i could handle.

I think if you don't want children you have to learn to look at it differently than 'i like my life the way it is' though because if its one thing life has taught me you never know what life will throw at you. Life is NOT going to stay the way it is. So you have to look at it as ..I am happy to live through all stages of life without children. I know what this means. I think you also have to find ways to fill that and exercise the inner emotional muscles children exercise for you. Yes its possible to have a wonderful life without children. But i am not sure everyone thinks about it the way they might be wise to.

I still gravitate slightly more towards having one. But less urgently.

[Deleted User] · 27-05-2020 12:11am

Sparkey84 wrote: »

i expect later life into old age for childless people might be more challenging but that would be a poor reason to have kids.

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

One eyed Jack · 27-05-2020 12:21am

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

I don’t think it’s a rationale borne out of selfishness though, but rather out of different expectations. It wouldn’t be an expectation I’d put on my child. Frankly I can’t wait till he moves out and goes off and does his own thing, but if you’ve grown up in a society where the younger generation are expected to care for their elderly rather than their elderly being put into old folks homes, then it’s really not all that unusual, it’s just normal. There are plenty of societies like that around the world, but Irish society just isn’t one of them, not any more anyway.

eviltwin · 27-05-2020 12:26am

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

I think it's more that it gives you something to focus on at a time when the normal things in life are winding down. A lot of people say they enjoy the role of grandparent more than they enjoyed being a parent.

joe40 · 27-05-2020 12:40am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Lockdown has put me slightly off ..but not completely.

I just keep thinking its a good thing i don't have kids in lockdown.

I have a lot of insecurity in my abilities to potentially be a mother.

I do want to have one. But well only one. I keep thinking OMG that would be horrible for an only child to be in lockdown alone. They would be so lonely.

I think one is all i could handle.

I think if you don't want children you have to learn to look at it differently than 'i like my life the way it is' though because if its one thing life has taught me you never know what life will through at you. Life is NOT going to stay the way it is. So you have to look at it as ..I am happy to live through all stages of life without children. I know what this means. I think you also have to find ways to fill that and exercise the inner emotional muscles children exercise for you. Yes its possible to have a wonderful life without children. But i am not sure everyone thinks about it the way they might be wise to.

I still gravitate slightly more towards having one. But less urgently.

I think two kids about 2 years apart is easier than one. They can play with each other, which makes life easier.
I have 2 kids teenager now, brilliant for us but everyone is different.
You are definitely more vulnerable, as a parent. To have someone in your life that you love more than yourself is a big adjustment.

CBear1993 · 27-05-2020 12:44am

With my girlfriend now 2 years, she’s 26 and I’m 27.

She’s mad about children and I knew that from the start. I on the other hand want to travel more and spend money on experiences that don’t get hampered by unexpected arrivals anytime before my mid 30s. A child wouldn’t really have a longing for in my plans

I honestly think my world would end if there was one on the way tomorrow. But I’m sure lots of young potential dads have been in this boat

Mr Meanor · 27-05-2020 12:59am

CBear1993 wrote: »

With my girlfriend now 2 years, she’s 26 and I’m 27.

She’s mad about children and I knew that from the start. I on the other hand want to travel more and spend money on experiences that don’t get hampered by unexpected arrivals anytime before my mid 30s. A child wouldn’t really have a longing for in my plans

I honestly think my world would end if there was one on the way tomorrow. But I’m sure lots of young potential dads have been in this boat

It doesn't end, it just pauses for a while.
It's just when you start to get up and go again your kids will call it a mid life crisis!

Geuze · 27-05-2020 1:03am

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Must not have done a whole lot in your life if having your drains clogged up is your most valuable action.

I don't understand your reference to drains.

My point is that having children is one of the most important and significant events in life.

In my life, it is the most significant event.

Bringing wonder, joy and craic into every day.

Geuze · 27-05-2020 1:07am

CBear1993 wrote: »

I on the other hand want to travel more and spend money on experiences that don’t get hampered by unexpected arrivals anytime before my mid 30s. A child wouldn’t really have a longing for in my plans

I honestly think my world would end if there was one on the way tomorrow. But I’m sure lots of young potential dads have been in this boat

Your real experiences would start.

In a labour ward or operating theatre.

Then in a maternity ward.

Then rearing children.

All great.

kowloon · 27-05-2020 1:23am

I'm too much of a fcuk-up to raise a child. I couldn't afford to raise them well and I'm not sure my health would hold up long enough to see them through their childhood. I don't want to unleash a maniac on the world for other people to deal with when I'm gone. That's without taking into account any issues the Mother would bring to the table. If she was the same age as I am now it would be into dangerous territory. Will I regret not having kids? Probably.

dashcamdanny · 27-05-2020 1:26am

I had my first in my mid 20s . Hated it. It literally stopped me from doing the things I loved. I was always stuck inside. Minding a child if not working.

Now in my 40s I have had another. He is 5 and is my true joy in this world. I think to enjoy parenthood properly, you must have a few years under your belt and be happy to let all those trivial things you enjoyed as a younger person go.

I would hate to be old, gray and lonely without any children to call my own. The only people in this world who truly care about you are your family. Friends come and go in life.

simongurnick · 27-05-2020 1:32am

I have 5
There's nothing in this world like the true love between a parent and a kid. Trust me.
But you are 100% doing the right thing OP, by thinking this out. Most screwed people come from having crap parents or one absent. Good luck

One eyed Jack · 27-05-2020 1:34am

Geuze wrote: »

Your real experiences would start.

Experiencing travel and spending money on other experiences besides having children, aren’t any less real than having children? I get it that for a lot of people they regard having children as a life changing experience and all the rest of it, but I also understand the point of view of other people who have different priorities and just aren’t interested in having children.

I don’t fancy travelling abroad and all the rest of it, could afford to if I wanted to, but it’s just not something I’m interested in. My child is interested in travelling and for his 16th birthday I’ve told him he can go stay with his uncle in London for a while. He loves the idea!

Having children hasn’t been some life changing event for me, I still do all the things I did before I had a child like going out for a few drinks and having a social life, but some people make out like having children is either the toughest thing, or the most rewarding thing a person can ever do in their lives. I can understand how it might well even be both of those things for some people, but I just find that some people, and there are numerous examples of it in just this thread alone - they tend to go a bit overboard.

Rubberchikken · 27-05-2020 1:38am

I have two, both grown, and the absolute centre and meaning of my life.
As teens and adults I love their company, intelligence, opinion on life etc but as babies they were hard work.
I hated the sleepless nights, the sicknesses, the sometimes seemingly endless games with plastic tots although I never let on I have to admit.

I never wanted kids, even though as a kid and teen I was great with them. The want changed one day and that was that.

I figure I choose to have them and so I've tried my hardest to be as good a parent as I could be
I've made mistakes, messed up occasionally and haven't always been the most patient or even tempered parent at times but I never raised a hand to them, have always told them how much I love them and how much they matter.

They are wonderful adults, that I am so proud to know and so pleased to be in their lives watching them grow. My contribution to them has been little. They have achieved everything they are themselves.

My advise, only have kids if you really want them. If not, then that's perfectly good too and you owe no one any explanation either way.

Muppet Man · 27-05-2020 1:41am

16 years married and no children and no plans To either. When we originally talked about it we were only Going to do it because that’s what was expected of us. We decided against it and we have no regrets whatsoever. Life’s been pretty good to us as a result in terms of freedom (To make decisions on a whim) and finances.

freshpopcorn · 27-05-2020 1:43am

I used want to be a dad up until a few years ago but I've since changed my mind simply because I don't think I'd be good enough at it. I'd try my best but I don't think that would be good enough.
However anybody I've been close to have always wanted to have kids, etc.

Class MayDresser · 27-05-2020 1:46am

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I used want to be a dad up until a few years ago but I've since changed my mind simply because I don't think I'd be good enough at it. I'd try my best but I don't think that would be good enough.

The very fact you think that way, I'd be backing you in a "best father in the world" competition. Your best is far more than what an awful lot of children get at times, you just got to be consistent at it!

kowloon · 27-05-2020 1:54am

Class MayDresser wrote: »

The very fact you think that way, I'd be backing you in a "best father in the world" competition. Your best is far more than what an awful lot of children get at times, you just got to be consistent at it!

Speaking for myself and not Popcorn, but thinking you're not up to the task doesn't necessarily mean you're up to the task. It might just mean you'll be aware of how much you're failing a child who deserves a better start in life.

Notoldorwise · 27-05-2020 1:59am

pawdee wrote: »

This be the verse.

Totally disagree. Three kids rids you of any selfishness and lets you appreciate the simple joys in life

ILoveYourVibes · 27-05-2020 2:01am

bubblypop wrote: »

I don't understand this reason for having kids, is it that people believe their children will look after them when they are old?
That's a terrible selfish reason for having them!
When I am old, too old to be alone, I will spend money to be somewhere I don't have to be alone. If I want /need that. & I will pay for it myself.
Seems very bad to expect your kids to look after you!

You can't count on children to look after you after old age.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this though. Money can't stop you being alone as you age. It's inevitable. Older people have to get used to it. You do have to be alone.

That isn't what i am talking about.

I am talking about for example learning through your children. In so many ways. How to connect with young people. How to ride the emotions of others.

If you are always used to having only you to look out for ....paying for someone to look after you is going to be extra tough.

Older people in nursing homes or with carers have to be very selfless and open hearted and open minded. Its often thought of that they are getting everything. Its not often talked about ...how much they are giving of themselves. But people who HAVE put people in homes and listened to the changes etc know. Submitting to someone else's schedule every day. And to the rules. To living with other people you have no connection to.

You do have to have another way to exercise the emotional muscles of selflessness on a practical everyday basis. People who don't have kids also need to learn to look after people. They could end up having to learn to look after their own parents. They could even end up being a caregiver for their spouses.

Its not that ..oh people who don't have kids are selfish and immature. That is not true at all.

But the ones who aren't don't just become selfless and mature overnight. They work at it. Over the years. In different ways. Just like people who have children.

Your life isn't easier in the long run for not having kids. Its just different.

Class MayDresser · 27-05-2020 2:09am

kowloon wrote: »

Speaking for myself and not Popcorn, but thinking you're not up to the task doesn't necessarily mean you're up to the task. It might just mean you'll be aware of how much you're failing a child who deserves a better start in life.

I hear you, but the fact you have the self awareness in thinking like this bodes better in the long run for the kid's sake, you're less likely to not care for the child.
That's only on an emotional level though, I'm not talking financial or domestic or otherwise, they've got to be in place first I think.

pwurple · 27-05-2020 3:23am

You know, we were on the fence about children for a long time, mostly due to a feeling of environmental responsibility. The world has 8 billion people, did we want to add more consumers to it?

It's why we also considered fostering.

But in the end, we wanted to experience parenthood ourselves. Another phase in life, something we didn't want to miss... And now that they are here, they are lovely human beings (or at least we like living with them!). We do our best to make sure they have some level of environmental awareness and don't wreck the place.

[Deleted User] · 27-05-2020 3:31am

Isn't the whole "having kids is bad for the environment" thing a myth though?.. based on dubious data I think..

Anyway, it's the point of life.. it's the one thing every lifeform strives to do..

kowloon · 27-05-2020 4:09am

CQD wrote: »

Isn't the whole "having kids is bad for the environment" thing a myth though?.. based on dubious data I think..

Anyway, it's the point of life.. it's the one thing every lifeform strives to do..

The reason a species persists is procreation, but I'm not sure you can say it's the point of life. I'm not sure the fact that we're here can be inferred to mean we have a purpose.

fran38 · 27-05-2020 4:10am

mr_edge_to_you wrote: »

It's so hard to describe it. My kids are 8 and 5. Kids are flipping hard work, minding them becomes the most important thing in your life. They'll drive you to despair and cost you a fortune. They row with each other numerous times a day. I come home from work and my wife needs to go for a walk to clear her head.

At the same time, they're amazing little people. Watching their personalities develop. My daughter is super intelligent and looks like she has a talent for arts and crafts. My son is the funniest little man and kind. He's the best craic! We brought them to Disneyland Paris last year and it was the greatest feeling. My wife and I were blessed with our upbringings and all we want is to at least match the childhoods we had.

In saying all that, we do look forward to a weekend away without the kids every couple of months.

Just a question on the "My daughter is super intelligent". Super intelligent, does that come after intelligent, very intelligent and highly intelligent? Curious.

mr_edge_to_you · 27-05-2020 7:07am

fran38 wrote: »

Just a question on the "My daughter is super intelligent". Super intelligent, does that come after intelligent, very intelligent and highly intelligent? Curious.

Between very and highly.

screamer · 27-05-2020 7:23am

Each to their own I believe on this.
I have kids and yes, they are no walk in the park it is an absolute 24 x7 job for sure but I wouldn’t change a thing. The love for your kids and the love you get back, well there’s nothing like it.

As for societal issues everyone looks back and thinks things were better back when..... i think that’s a bit of nostalgia rather than fact. I do believe though, generally most parents are right minded good people and are rearing their kids to be good people. We always hear of bad things, the news is negatively biased too. It’s a great big wonderful world and I believe we’ll have enough good people to keep it going.

The chan chan man · 27-05-2020 7:35am

Having kids is the meaning of life. Before them, nothing really mattered. It’s tough, but definitely worth it.

However if you don’t want kids because ‘society is in absolute squalour’ then it’s probably best not to have them. Perhaps try to improve your own life might give you a more positive point of view on the world, most of its pretty cool.

Completely Put Off Having Children

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