What's the etiquette here??

You the man · 07-04-2022 3:13pm

A fine 'ring o puddin there boys'.. 😒

07-04-2022 8:54pm

Lying on the couch tipping away at a few cans and watching the golf. Let a little picofart go a few minutes back - wasn’t really a fart at all. The stench from the fücker was gross though. Mr. Muggles, our elderly cat, was so appalled he gave me the daggers of death and left the room. And he’s a cat who has a bit of a flatulence problem himself.

Sgt Hartman · 08-04-2022 7:44am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118895781#Comment_118895781

It's always those silent little ones that emit the foulest miasma. The loud thunder rippers farts rarely smell so bad.

Amenhotep · 08-04-2022 11:37am

So the other night we all had dinner, during the night my stomach was acting up , we all had the same food for dinner and the wife and kids were fine, I had however some bottled guinness , which I usually really like and have no effects on, the first bottle did kind of taste "off" ... I wasn't sure, but not bad enough to stop drinking.

Anyway woke up in the middle of the night after having strange dreams that I was an athlete and injured - I needed attention.

Reckon it was the brains way of telling me "There is a massive sh1t in the hull, get to a dunny ASAP".

Made a beeline for the jax and deposited a load of warm thick rotten arse runnel.

Whack of stale salmon and rotten peanuts - rank , the paint started peeling from the walls.

Next morning the wife said to me she dreamt someone was gutting a badger in the jax, and the sounds were just too real ... I kept quiet - I myself thought it sounded like a bucket of mackeral being emptied on to a tiled floor - from a height, but that's just me.

Felt fine rest of the day, apart from rotten farts, thick ones that you can feel the texture of , you know ?

08-04-2022 2:01pm

Left with an arse like this fella’s gob no doubt.

Brendan Bendar · 08-04-2022 3:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118897791#Comment_118897791

I know, like shïtting a suede coat….

Sgt Hartman · 10-04-2022 12:42pm

I'm letting off some nasty stinkers today, mainly due to a combination of yesterday's corned beef and cabbage dinner which was followed up by 3 cans of Kilkenny, 3 cans of Beamish and a measure of Lambay Whiskey. My poor OH got the brunt of it this morning in bed. I had to open the windows and air out the room when we got up.

Nevin Parsnipp · 10-04-2022 6:48pm

I feel your pain Sgt but be thankfull it's only farts that is giving you a cob...

On the golf course yestiddy I decided to postpone a visit to the trumpet house prior to starting ...bad mistake ..as by hole 14 I knew the discharge pipe was filling rapidly.

Attempted a tentative fart on 16th green which has a disconcerting sappy feel and I knew i had to make the clubhouse rapido.

Hightailed it to the clubhouse and entered the well appointed toilets ...and there was fat Madja cleaning away....shot to the upstairs facilities...thankfully empty and exploded a bulb of rancid scour in trap one ...covered a wide acreage and the bang would frighten a well hung camel.

Flushed ...nothin happened...knock on the door ...CLEANING ! Flushed again ...nowt....Stuck on the mask and exited washed up and greeted Madga at the door .."Lovely day" was my cheery greeting as I left the building.

Hopefully the mask will prevent recognition.....

CGI_Livia_Soprano · 10-04-2022 7:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118907819#Comment_118907819

Not exactly “up to scratch,” Nevin.

Slideways · 10-04-2022 11:03pm

Must have had something bogey to eat

10-04-2022 11:19pm

No stranger to Shanks.

Slideways · 11-04-2022 9:02am

FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!

I had just had a disaster. Heaved out a whopper and of course had to have a look as it tested the elasticity of me hoop.

if Cadbury’s made nuclear submarines this would be the billboard poster for it.

Then disaster struck. My fecking Bluetooth headphone fell out of my ear and PLOP landed in the bowl. There was no way in hell I was putting my hand in and removing the Richard III to get it out.

I held a glimmer of hope that the weight of it would keep it in the throat during the flush, but nope she’s gone. Will have to listen to my tunes in mono for the rest of the week

11-04-2022 9:02pm

49c for a punnet of plums in Aldi at the moment. 2 quid should be enough investment to clean out even the most “bound up” of Current Affairs posters.

Grouptherapy · 15-04-2022 1:58pm

Have to borrow a phrase again -but what I experienced earlier was exactly like trying to sh1te suede. Fcuker just wouldn't leave. Equally annoying clean up. Not a good start to good friday.

15-04-2022 3:11pm

Some absolute degenerate abandoned a pair of shïte encrusted boxers in behind the bowl of cubicle 3 in Liffey Valley shopping centre. What a filthy bastard.

Nevin Parsnipp · 15-04-2022 10:04pm

Probably got another months supply from pennies (3 pak).

Filthy kernt...

Sgt Hartman · 16-04-2022 2:51pm

I finished an Elden Ring gaming session last night, beating a boss called Commander O'Neill in an area called The Swamp of Aeonia which can cause a build up of a disease called Scarlet Rot. Afterwards I had to take a dump of omnipotent proportions. After I flushed, to my horror the faeculence would not disappear, and the water rose to a level just below the brim. I had unwittingly created my very own Swamp of Aeonia, complete with horrendous mini lumps of Scarlet Rot floating around. I had to wait at least ten minutes so that the scarlet rot levels reached a low enough level so that I could attack the toilet with a plunger and clear the swamp... which made terrifying gurgling noises as it disappeared down the toilet hole. It took several squeezes of Toilet Duck and another two flushes before the swamp was finally drained and I could go to bed feeling exhausted.

tgdaly · 16-04-2022 3:59pm

No preserving bolus handy?

Sgt Hartman · 16-04-2022 6:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118935441#Comment_118935441

I sure had, a combination of Toilet Duck and Raspberry Air Freshener done the trick.

sam t smith · 16-04-2022 6:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118931123#Comment_118931123

How are they fitting you?

Brendan Bendar · 17-04-2022 12:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118931123#Comment_118931123

Give them a few slaps off the wall and you’d get the day out of them?

17-04-2022 4:22pm

Couple of smart arses throwing some shade at this highly respected and valued poster. No need for it.

Amenhotep · 19-04-2022 2:03pm

Was in town there last week and found the oul sheriffs badge twitching and as I had no plastic bags and no high rise crane in sight, I had to make do with the facilities in Brown Thomas on Grafton street (3rd floor I think...) -- very impressive indeed, deposited a kilo of black sludge (6 pints of Guinness the night before did it's job) on to the porcelain, large cubicles that the doors and walls reach the floor and ceiling - as all cubicles should do.

High quality toilet paper and proper soap at the sinks.

Bliis...

Brendan Bendar · 19-04-2022 2:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118946392#Comment_118946392

Well done dude, ,you’ll be a repeat customer no doubt.

19-04-2022 2:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118946392#Comment_118946392

Obviously the preference is always to use your own facilities for unload and dispatch activities, but the BT shïtters are a solid choice if you find yourself urgently needing to make room for the dinner while in town.

See also: The Westbury.

mfceiling · 19-04-2022 6:06pm

Might be an idea to name the decent places in town (Dublin) where you can go about your business in peace and quiet.

Marks and Spencer on Grafton Street are a solid choice.

Top tip...if you want to use the thrones in any of the fancy hotels, put the phone to the ear and pretend to be talking to someone who is staying there. As you approach the doors make sure the doorman hears you say "I'm just coming into the lobby now, I'll meet you at reception". Make your way to the traps at your leisure.

19-04-2022 7:29pm

Excellent Top Tip. You should submit that to the Top Tips desk at Viz HQ.

Amenhotep · 21-04-2022 9:08am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118947494#Comment_118947494

Stolen from earlier on in thread :

====================================

There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.

The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.

Business as usual, what a glorious experience.

==============================================================

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/109990318/#Comment_109990318

EmmetSpiceland · 21-04-2022 9:35am

Well researched, A.

This thread, truly, is a fount of knowledge. A veritable repository of pedagogical tidbits and sage counsel.

Hego Damask · 21-04-2022 12:39pm

Dunnes on Henry Street has a very decent jacks if I can recall correctly, near the mens clothing section.

What's the etiquette here??

Comments