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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #122
    coolhull
    Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
    The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
    The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
    The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
    The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
    The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
    The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!


  • #123
    fcastle
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 83 ✭✭fcastle


    In my hometown a local barber just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.


  • #124
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    What has 4 letters
    Sometimes has 9 letters
    But never has 5 letters


  • #125
    Jakey Rolling
    Registered Users Posts: 916 ✭✭✭Jakey Rolling


    byrner88 wrote:
    What has 4 letters Sometimes has 9 letters But never has 5 letters

    Absolutely correct.
    10/10 for observation!

    100412.2526@compuserve.com



  • #126
    Fabritzo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭Fabritzo


    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.

    It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex


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  • #127
    donegaLroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,379 ✭✭✭donegaLroad


    Irish man decides to visit Romania, and on his first evening there he meets a nice looking girl in the local. After a couple of hours and a few drinks, he asks her does she want to spend the night with him in his hotel room for €200.

    She agrees and goes back to the hotel, they do the business and he gives her €200.

    They agree to meet again the following night at the bar, and the same arrangement, back to the hotel and stay the night with him for €200.

    And again, they meet on the 3rd night, back to the hotel, have a bit of a ride, €200.

    As they are lying there in the bed, she asks him where in Ireland he is from, to which he replies Donegal..

    'oh..' she says 'thats funny, I have a sister living there..'

    'I know..' he said 'before I came over she gave me €600 and asked me to give it to you'


  • #128
    7 Seconds...
    Registered Users Posts: 8,471 ✭✭✭7 Seconds...


    Did you hear about the mouse who lived in a tyre?

    He got a puncture, and now he lives in a flat!


  • #129
    the_pen_turner
    Registered Users Posts: 7,505 ✭✭✭the_pen_turner


    My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."


  • #130
    Stigura
    Registered Users Posts: 3,411 ✭✭✭Stigura


    I bought one of those new U2 sat nav's. It's f**king useless! the streets have no names. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for!


  • #131
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,083 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Stigura wrote: »
    I bought one of those new U2 sat nav's. It's f**king useless! the streets have no names. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

    Me too but I ended up Under a Blood Red Sky.
    Then when someone offered to lead the way home I said "I Will Follow"
    Guess when I got home?

    Sunday Bloody Sunday! :mad: :D


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  • #132
    blueser
    Registered Users Posts: 10,691 ✭✭✭✭blueser


    blade1 wrote: »
    Me too but I ended up Under a Blood Red Sky.
    Then when someone offered to lead the way home I said "I Will Follow"
    Guess when I got home?

    Sunday Bloody Sunday! :mad: :D
    You should really have waited for the post Christmas sales and got yourself a bargain on New Year's Day!


  • #133
    ArnoldJRimmer
    Registered Users Posts: 2,492 ✭✭✭ArnoldJRimmer


    blade1 wrote: »
    Me too but I ended up Under a Blood Red Sky.
    Then when someone offered to lead the way home I said "I Will Follow"
    Guess when I got home?

    Sunday Bloody Sunday! :mad: :D

    Sounds like you moved in mysterious ways, but good that you got help. Sometimes you cant make it on your own


  • #134
    thesandeman
    Registered Users Posts: 9,870 ✭✭✭thesandeman


    Oh Boy. Those stupid puns will be going on until October. That kind of thing puts me on Edge.


  • #135
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    This means war.


  • #136
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    This means war.

    Achtung Baby! I think he's serious!


  • #137
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,320 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    Awh, leave him be, he's the sweetest thing*!








    [DISCLAIMER: *May or may not be the actual opinion of this poster]


  • #138
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

    The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00, depending on speaker size.

    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


  • #139
    Tom Mann Centuria
    Registered Users Posts: 10,896 ✭✭✭✭Tom Mann Centuria


    I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

    Oh well, give me an easy life and a peaceful death.



  • #140
    decky1
    Registered Users Posts: 975 ✭✭✭decky1


    hey guys great to see some jokes, why do people not tell jokes now? are they afraid of offending others, years ago in pubs etc you'd be told a joke not now. why so many penguin jokes?
    A priest had a heart attack and when he woke he was being pushed on a trolley by too beautiful nurses, 'O am I in heaven ' he said, No said one of the nurses were just taking a short cut through the childrens ward.


  • #141
    thesandeman
    Registered Users Posts: 9,870 ✭✭✭thesandeman


    ^
    Pub jokes were a lot easier to understand as well.


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  • #142
    Imallrightjack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 177 ✭✭Imallrightjack


    What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

    You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse.


  • #143
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,083 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Imallrightjack wrote: »
    What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

    You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse.

    I think that was the very first joke on the original thread.


  • #144
    Imallrightjack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 177 ✭✭Imallrightjack


    blade1 wrote: »
    I think that was the very first joke on the original thread.

    Really?oh ok.its a jimmy carr joke.well that's where i heard it anyway.


  • #145
    rizzodun
    Registered Users Posts: 2,598 ✭✭✭rizzodun


    Imallrightjack wrote: »
    What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

    You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse.

    Reminds me of:

    What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

    You wouldn't pay to have a lentil on your face.

    (Was probably the second joke on the original thread too...)


  • #146
    decky1
    Registered Users Posts: 975 ✭✭✭decky1


    was my 'Joke' too strong? see it's gone?


  • #147
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    decky1 wrote: »
    was my 'Joke' too strong? see it's gone?
    Try looking back a page.....


  • #148
    bonzodog2
    Registered Users Posts: 6,208 ✭✭✭bonzodog2


    It is well known that, before Trafalgar, Lord Nelson gave a very rousing speech to his men to encourage them for the major battle ahead. He finished with the memorable words: "To the water! It is the hour!"

    What is much less known is that his French counterpart was giving a similarly motivational speech to his men. And totally remarkably he finished with the exact same words: "A l'eau! C'est l'heure!"


  • #149
    gramar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    bonzodog2 wrote: »
    It is well known that, before Trafalgar, Lord Nelson gave a very rousing speech to his men to encourage them for the major battle ahead. He finished with the memorable words: "To the water! It is the hour!"

    What is much less known is that his French counterpart was giving a similarly motivational speech to his men. And totally remarkably he finished with the exact same words: "A l'eau! C'est l'heure!"

    descarga.jpg


  • #150
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    ^^^^

    why does a Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast ?

    because it's un oeuf :pac:


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  • #151
    Frigating
    Registered Users Posts: 249 ✭✭Frigating


    "À l'eau! C'est l'heure!" sounds like "'ello sailor" when said out loud. I'm not sure of that's the entire joke though or if there's supposed to be something funnier to it?


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