Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

The_Conductor · 04-09-2020 2:38pm

Unfortunately I strongly suspect you're going to be back here in 3-4 weeks time.
I don't think you've solved anything. I honestly don't.

Xterminator · 04-09-2020 3:04pm

Hi Op

I hope you don't mind this observation, but you don't sound like you are very good at standing up for yourself? Is that just with Mam, or in general?

if you find it hard to stand your ground when you think you are right, thenan assertiveness course could give you the skills to not be a pushover.

Its great for work, as well as personal life.

[Deleted User] · 04-09-2020 3:33pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'm sorry you've been through a rough time, but you've been home for weeks (months?) now. You're making excuses.

You're 34, not a child, and your mother doesn't owe you a roof over your head. Have the conversation, formalise a set contribution per week/month towards rent/shared living costs and then you both know where you stand.

How straight up ridiculous is it too state that a parent on welfare in a council house doesn't owe a child a roof over their heads?

Yellow pack crisps · 04-09-2020 6:43pm

Can’t imagine charging my kid rent during a pandemic and he being unemployed. I know you got a job but I’d still probably put the money away and give it too him when he is house hunting etc. Some scabby parents around.

LegacyUser · 05-09-2020 6:53pm

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

How straight up ridiculous is it too state that a parent on welfare in a council house doesn't owe a child a roof over their heads?

Madness that someone thinks its so absurd to out a family member up during a global crisis.

LegacyUser · 05-09-2020 6:55pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

I hope you don't mind this observation, but you don't sound like you are very good at standing up for yourself? Is that just with Mam, or in general?

if you find it hard to stand your ground when you think you are right, thenan assertiveness course could give you the skills to not be a pushover.

Its great for work, as well as personal life.

I don't have any problems standing up for myself

qwerty13 · 06-09-2020 8:11am

Adult@Home wrote: »

I don't have any problems standing up for myself

Actually I would say that you do.

I’m not criticising you, but this situation with your mother’s expectations - and you not being clear from the beginning on what you were paying (or not) - would not have arisen if you were entirely comfortable standing up for yourself.

I stand by my earlier post that I think it would be best to move out ASAP.

LegacyUser · 07-09-2020 7:30am

qwerty13 wrote: »

Actually I would say that you do.

I’m not criticising you, but this situation with your mother’s expectations - and you not being clear from the beginning on what you were paying (or not) - would not have arisen if you were entirely comfortable standing up for yourself.

I stand by my earlier post that I think it would be best to move out ASAP.

Being assertive and standing up for yourself doesn't = having an argument or confrontation about something that might not even be an issue. The expectations came around based on some flippant comments. I came on here to get objective advice about what is reasonable in terms of giving up rent and contributing as an adult living back home.

I spoke to my mum and we have an agreement. I don't really know where you think I have an issue speaking up for myself comes into this

Tork · 07-09-2020 11:38am

I still think you should move out as soon as you can afford to. It's good to see you resolved the issue with your mum (for now) but there so much potential for this to go sour. You said you've had a turbulent relationship with your mother in the past - it's only a matter of time before that blows up again. She's also a functioning alcoholic and there is a real risk the extra money will be sunk into cans and bottles, not new curtains for the house. She still has that toxic friend in her ear so who knows what sh*t she'll stir up in the background. It's also worth remembering that bitching session you overheard - the friend felt safe enough to call you names in her presence, knowing your mother wouldn't get mad at her. Why?

I understand why you moved home and it's nice to have somewhere to go to when things go wrong. I think for everyone's sake, the sooner you''re moved out again, the better.

Xterminator · 07-09-2020 3:56pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

I don't have any problems standing up for myself

Glad to hear it. If you are happy, thats all that matters.

as for the people still telling you to move out, i would take that with a pinch of salt. There is no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you and mum can happily co-exist, then your bills are lower than it would be to rent/live alone, and we know hers are lower too. As long as it is a win win situation, and you get along stay put.

But prudence suggests you should set aside a sum of money that would cover 1st months deposit and rent, just in case, and not touch it.

LegacyUser · 07-09-2020 6:34pm

Xterminator wrote: »

Glad to hear it. If you are happy, thats all that matters.

as for the people still telling you to move out, i would take that with a pinch of salt. There is no point in cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you and mum can happily co-exist, then your bills are lower than it would be to rent/live alone, and we know hers are lower too. As long as it is a win win situation, and you get along stay put.

But prudence suggests you should set aside a sum of money that would cover 1st months deposit and rent, just in case, and not touch it.

I will be looking to move out at some point. Will need to for work/study reasons anyways. Part of me feels guilty for moving out and leaving her alone

LegacyUser · 21-09-2020 9:26am

So my mams benefits have been cut off and she's waiting for her pension to come through. So i'm basically the only one bringing money in now. I honestly don't know how long I can cope with this. My brother will be helping her out financially to a certain extent too but I feel so much pressure on my shoulders

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2020 12:15am

But why have her benefits been cut off?

bobbyy gee · 23-09-2020 2:18am

If she starts putting 200 in her account every week her benefits. Will be cut down

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 3:24am

800 a month is still cheaper than renting.

Still if you dont feel ok with it and its not in your best interests just talk about it and come to an agreed figure.

It isn't unusual for people to pay like 1500 - 2000 per month renting in Dublin that is even sharing.

You might have an 'off' idea of what prices are like now.

But still talk about it and see if you can pay maybe 100 or something.

The_Conductor · 23-09-2020 7:35am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

800 a month is still cheaper than renting.

Still if you dont feel ok with it and its not in your best interests just talk about it and come to an agreed figure.

It isn't unusual for people to pay like 1500 - 2000 per month renting in Dublin that is even sharing.

You might have an 'off' idea of what prices are like now.

But still talk about it and see if you can pay maybe 100 or something.

Have you read the thread at all?
The rent for the property (which is obviously massively subsidised by the taxpayer) is EUR60 a week. Thats the whole property. Its a small council house.

As for renting a room in a houseshare- you can get rooms in non-council houses for under EUR100-125 a week fairly handily. For example (I've chosen Lucan which isn't renowned for being cheap) here:https://www.daft.ie/dublin/rooms-to-share/lucan/?s%5Broom_type%5D=either&s%5Badvanced%5D=1&s%5Bgender%5D=on&s%5Bsort_type%5D=a&searchSource=sharing

Have a read of the OP's other posts- the situation comes across as highly exploitative.

qwerty13 · 23-09-2020 8:19am

Adult@Home wrote: »

So my mams benefits have been cut off and she's waiting for her pension to come through. So i'm basically the only one bringing money in now. I honestly don't know how long I can cope with this. My brother will be helping her out financially to a certain extent too but I feel so much pressure on my shoulders

Have you been told the reason for this?

Have you seen evidence of this?

Can she appeal it?

Would her benefits be reinstated if you moved out?

Pay any necessary bills yourself, rather than handing over cash to do so.

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 8:40am

The_Conductor wrote: »

As for renting a room in a houseshare- you can get rooms in non-council houses for under EUR100-125 a week fairly handily..

Erm not in a place I would look/want to live.

Have you read the thread at all?
The rent for the property (which is obviously massively subsidised by the taxpayer) is EUR60 a week. Thats the whole property. Its a small council house.

Yeah. I know. And many kids including my own cousins would give more than the rent of a council house up to their parents its how they managed to buy the house in the end from the council.

I said if he didn't feel comfortable he should talk about it with his family.

The mother has zero income right now. THey are not asking for rent read between the lines they are asking for him to support them financially right now. Either he is comfortable with it or not.

Plenty of my family have supported older family members. A lot of Irish people are out there supporting family members financially.

If he doesn't have the money then he needs to say so.

rainbowtrout · 23-09-2020 10:00am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Erm not in a place I would look/want to live.

Yeah. I know. And many kids including my own cousins would give more than the rent of a council house up to their parents its how they managed to buy the house in the end from the council.

I said if he didn't feel comfortable he should talk about it with his family.

The mother has zero income right now. THey are not asking for rent read between the lines they are asking for him to support them financially right now. Either he is comfortable with it or not.

Plenty of my family have supported older family members. A lot of Irish people are out there supporting family members financially.

If he doesn't have the money then he needs to say so.

The mother was managing fine until the OP landed home. The mother's friend suggested she charge 200 per week, and the mother wants to go on a spending spree in the house. The OP's mother is also an alcoholic. Why should the OP foot the bill for all of this?

The OP hasn't provided any further details of why the mothers benefits have been cut off all of a sudden. It would seem a little odd that they were just cut off if she was receiving benefits long term and is of an age to receive a pension. I would wonder if they have actually been cut off or if the OP has any proof of it.

ILoveYourVibes · 23-09-2020 11:15am

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The mother was managing fine until the OP landed home. The mother's friend suggested she charge 200 per week, and the mother wants to go on a spending spree in the house. The OP's mother is also an alcoholic. Why should the OP foot the bill for all of this?

The OP hasn't provided any further details of why the mothers benefits have been cut off all of a sudden. It would seem a little odd that they were just cut off if she was receiving benefits long term and is of an age to receive a pension. I would wonder if they have actually been cut off or if the OP has any proof of it.

Well then perhaps the OP should not live there.

The_Conductor · 23-09-2020 11:28am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Well then perhaps the OP should not live there.

Thats pretty much what most sane people in this thread have been suggesting to the OP.

If she does not move out- its her call, but she only has herself to blame if it goes pear shaped- as it has done.

rondog · 23-09-2020 3:27pm

OP-from what ive read your Mother sounds like a complete schemer trying to squeeze anything she can get out of you.

The fact that she discussed these personal matters in front of her 'friend' conveys to me that she was trying to reinforce and had planned this discussion with you.SOrry,but she reminds me of so many of these council estate scammers who chance their arm to scam cash where they can.

800eur is a shocking amount to be paying especially for a council house and living with your mother.

Can you look elsewhere and get away from her cos she sounds like a complete opportunist who,rather then help you out and get back on your feet after a tough time, is trying to fleece you.

The fact that she fell behinds on a 60eur rent payment while others are out there struggling and still paying massive mortgage payments shows she cannot be trusted with money and you should steer clear of her.

HildaOgdenx · 23-09-2020 5:11pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Have you been told the reason for this?

Have you seen evidence of this?

Can she appeal it?

Would her benefits be reinstated if you moved out?

Pay any necessary bills yourself, rather than handing over cash to do so.

+1 to all of the above.
Presumably she received a letter from the Department explaining why this has happened. Is it that she is being moved from whatever payment she was on, to a pension payment?

Encourage her to contact either the local office or Citizens Advice, by phone or email, as she should not be left without some kind of a payment.

I know it's been said repeatedly, OP, but this is not a good situation for you, and you would be better off, in every way, living elsewhere.

LegacyUser · 23-09-2020 9:45pm

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But why have her benefits been cut off?

She is moving to invalidity pension. She be able to get the Supplementary Allowance in the meant time but she can't because my brother has been giving her money. So she's about 40e a week now until and if she gets the pension.

LegacyUser · 23-09-2020 9:57pm

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

+1 to all of the above.
Presumably she received a letter from the Department explaining why this has happened. Is it that she is being moved from whatever payment she was on, to a pension payment?

Encourage her to contact either the local office or Citizens Advice, by phone or email, as she should not be left without some kind of a payment.

I know it's been said repeatedly, OP, but this is not a good situation for you, and you would be better off, in every way, living elsewhere.

I know 100%. I'm working on it, been to multiple interviews, working on a temp contract for the next few weeks. She keeps making reference to people how we are "very comfortable". I am anything but. She was to bring our fur baby to the pet and I gave her the money and rent the other day. I sat for two and a half hours in work today waiting on a phone call and started to suspect the worst as the dog would have been long seen too and he hasn't been himself. She eventually rings half cut and said she couldn't bring him because she was scared to have him up there with other dogs. This is true in fairness. Needless to say I was pretty peeved as I was worried about him. So she's booked for me to bring him the weekend which I don't mind at all doing. BUT .... I haven't asked if the money is gone. I didn't ask today as i'm too angry

qwerty13 · 23-09-2020 10:26pm

Adult@Home wrote: »

So my mams benefits have been cut off and she's waiting for her pension to come through. So i'm basically the only one bringing money in now. I honestly don't know how long I can cope with this. My brother will be helping her out financially to a certain extent too but I feel so much pressure on my shoulders

Why do you feel this way? It seems like she managed ok from a money and day to day living point of view before you moved home. So what has changed regarding her ability to manage?

I know you said about her benefits being cut, but I think you need to give some clarity on that re why they were cut, if you want the best shot at getting other people’s perspective here.

I just have a bad feeling that you are being guilted into being the ‘grown up’ or responsible one in the house with your mother, and that she has no problem in laying all that at your door. If you genuinely think that she’s in need of financial, practical or emotional help, that’s one thing. But I’m sorry to say that I feel you might be being pressured into arrangements that you’re not ok with. If that’s the case, then you need to stand up for yourself and say that, for your own sake.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2020 12:28pm

The_Conductor wrote: »

Thats pretty much what most sane people in this thread have been suggesting to the OP.

If she does not move out- its her call, but she only has herself to blame if it goes pear shaped- as it has done.

I don't have a stash in the bank where I can just move out. I was made redundant twice in 7 months which has screwed me financially. I'm trying to save to move out.

qwerty13 · 24-09-2020 4:08pm

While you continue to give your mother actual cash to pay bills, and while you pay her too much money, you are preventing yourself from moving out.

I don’t think you can have been totally unaware of the possibility of the money for the vet being spent by your mother. So now you’re in a situation where you have to bring the dog to the vet anyway, and you’re angry, and you will have to pay for the vet all over again. Stop giving her cash. And start saying “no”.

By carrying on as you are, you are just prolonging the amount of time that you have to live with your mother - and increasing the possibility that she will continue to view you as a walking wallet. “Very comfortable” indeed - her comfort, at the expense of your discomfort.

Until you stand up for yourself, she’s going to continue to walk all over you.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2020 4:53pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

While you continue to give your mother actual cash to pay bills, and while you pay her too much money, you are preventing yourself from moving out.

I don’t think you can have been totally unaware of the possibility of the money for the vet being spent by your mother. So now you’re in a situation where you have to bring the dog to the vet anyway, and you’re angry, and you will have to pay for the vet all over again. Stop giving her cash. And start saying “no”.

By carrying on as you are, you are just prolonging the amount of time that you have to live with your mother - and increasing the possibility that she will continue to view you as a walking wallet. “Very comfortable” indeed - her comfort, at the expense of your discomfort.

Until you stand up for yourself, she’s going to continue to walk all over you.

I haven't been giving her cash in fairness. But I had to give her cash to pay the vet and I'd misplaced my bank card so just asked her to sort the rent. So it's just a once off. You're dead right though. I'll just pay bills and do shopping myself or online. I don't know how she could honestly believe that we are comfortable. I'm dreading going home from work now as I just know when I ask the question about the money for the vet bill the answer I will most likely get. Of course i'm going to bring him regardless. If it was some non significant bill I would be tempted to just let her sort it out, but i'm not going to leave him if he's not himself.

LegacyUser · 24-09-2020 10:28pm

Had a chat with her about earlier and was told her been on the piss for three days is her business. Real nice when her main source of income is me and my brother. She reckons she paid the rent but friend was here and didn't say she brought her and that was the plan. Apparently you can't physically go in to An Post and withdraw money if you have an An Post account. I don't the ins and outs. But she's spent the cash. She says she has the money for the dog and has paid the rent. She reckons she'l have it tomorrow. The friend called and she say to me are you still in a mood? I said i'm not in a mood I just wanted to make sure the dog is sorted out and you've been on the piss for three days so where are you getting the money for bottles of wine.

Then she says to me later on she wouldn't do that she knows how good I am to her and that I should know her better, she's so straight with me. I just said you can tell me it's none of my business all she wants but that i'm finishing my job soon and we have to be sensible with money that i'm not flush and it's a slap in the face when you've been on the wine for three days.

Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

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