"Mammy's a bisexual"

Cutie18Ireland · 04-02-2006 11:52am

Kennett wrote:

I did something similar when I was younger, but not like that though... can't remember it now, but I was mistaken for a girl by someone as well. I actually had the nickname "The Doll" because of my eyelashes... which is prolly why I ended up being made to play as Mary for the Xmas play in an all-boys primary school.

you think thats bad?? i was prince charming in my school play!! cause i was the tallest!! had to wear a frilly shirt and dance around the p.e hall with a girl i hated!!

deisemum · 04-02-2006 6:24pm

I came back to Ireland when I was getting married. The evening before the wedding a number of female friends and neighbours came round and I was tried on my wedding dress for a final check. Next thing my 5 year old sister barges in with a handful of my honeymoon lingerie and toys (we're not talking Smyths here). My father did not know where to look. My mother and I snatched the goods much to the amusement of everyone present. You can imagine some of the comments that a couple of the guests shouted next day during the speeches.

hullaballoo · 04-02-2006 6:36pm

This thread is amazing.

When I was about 5 or 6, my mum took my to the aquarium. I thought it was fantastic and was pretty hyper. We were looking at a tank with sea-snails and other crustaceans and there was one with particularly elongated tenticles, so I shouted at the top of my lungs "Mommy, mommy, look at the testicles on that guy!!"

Needless to say she brings it up with every friend of mine she meets to this day to give me my comeuppance![FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Lone Wolf · 03-10-2006 12:14pm

I had to revive this genius thread

When I was 3 or so at the doctors the nurse as asking me a few questions
Nurse: So what are your ears for? Me: Hearing
Nurse:What are your eyes for? Me:Seeing
Nurse: Whats your nose for? Me: Picking

My mum never lets me live it down

MrJoeSoap · 03-10-2006 12:18pm

ExOffender wrote:

ExOffender in pram, at Botanic Gardens, as black guy walks past:

"That man is a monkey!"

! Only about 3 or 4, but still... scarla on me! Not to mention the mammy.

I did the exact same...

Bogus · 03-10-2006 12:33pm

Another one in a church. My son (now 25), when he was a toddler, decided to announce loudly, for no apparent reason that "grandma hasn't got a penis". It was during one of those quite moments where the expression seemed to echo around the church for about half an hour.

Dyr · 03-10-2006 12:40pm

I went one better. Back in the 80's my uncle had an all black dog that he "wittily" christened "ni**er". Now, me and my sister had no idea what n***er meant other than that it was the name of this dog.

So we were out walking it one day and the shagger refuse's to come back to us. We're screaming across the field "HEEEERREEE N***ER, get over here now n***er, bad! bad n***er!!" etc etc and sure enough, the only black woman within four square miles walks past the fecking mutt. As it happen's her son was in my class so the Ma got an earful off her the next day over her racist kids. She was mortified of course but thankfully my sister got most the blame as she was older

r3nu4l · 03-10-2006 12:52pm

Now this thread is a good example of how dragging up an old thread can be good!

My aunt and uncle always had a new car, new furniture went on holidays etc in the 80's when most people were lucky just to have a job. So my Mam and Dad were discussing how my uncle could afford all of this stuff and the new (big) car they got and my Mam says:

There's something fishy about him and his new car."

Course, little r3nu4l overheard the conversation and when my uncle and aunt visited to show off the car, I walk over smell the car, smell my uncle and announce:

"Mammy, you're wrong. I can't smell anything fishy about Uncle John or the car!"

mytummyhurts · 10-02-2009 4:03pm

this thread is too good not to revive!!!

ok i have a one...

My sisters friend is pregnant with baby #2, baby #1 is only 2 and is very inquisitave (sp???) she asks her mammy how the baby got in her belly (as all kids do) and her mammy replies daddy put it there as a present... mammy isnt very pregnant at this stage and has morning sickness so one day they were in town with me and my sister and baby #1 decides to tell the nice lady in the shop we were in that her daddy was really mean bacause he was lying on top of her mammy (how she knew that is still a mystery) and then he put a baby in her belly and now his "present" makes mammy sick!!!
She was mortified, grabbed the child and ran out the door me and my sister were pi$$in ourselves!!!

Kids say the funniest things!!!

Wurly · 10-02-2009 4:07pm

Age circa 5 - I said to my mother's best friend - 'Nora, how come you're so fat?'. Can you imagine the embarrassment for my poor mother.

Also, when i was about 4, I was in a chemist with my mother and spotted this big make up set thing.. I asked her could I have it and she said no. I big fat took it anyway and I don't know how she didn't notice that I left with it under my arm. About 30 mins later, I was sitting at the end of the stairs looking like less like a beauty queen and more like Stephen King's 'It'.

She had to bring me done up like a dog's dinner and the smashed up beauty set back to the chemist and profusely apologise.

Kept that woman on her toes, so I did.:D

m5ex9oqjawdg2i · 10-02-2009 4:08pm

Lorcan26 wrote: »

i used to embarrass my rents all the time. i found a condom in this pub ( i was about 7) and not knowing what it was i brought it out and yelled v.loudly (as little kids do)
"WHATS THIS?!?!?!" my rents were really shocked and looked round were everyone was staring at them. the usual "shut up lorcan, we'll tell you when you're older" stuff ensued. only years later did i relasise what i'd done. my rents used to embarrass me all the time tho so that evened it out. mum yelled out once in the supermarket "do you want some muff" not realising what she'd said. she meant to say muffins....

You're what? Couldn't you take the time to make this post less of an eyesore for those reading it? Have some consideration,

mytummyhurts · 10-02-2009 4:14pm

Trí wrote: »

Age circa 5 - I said to my mother's best friend - 'Nora, how come you're so fat?'. Can you imagine the embarrassment for my poor mother.

I did the same thing when I was around 3/4 my mother's best friend was pregnant with twins we met her one day in town and I roared "why are you so fat" in front of many many people... my mother was mortified and I still get reminded of this at gatherings birthdays/Xmas etc...:D:D

stovelid · 10-02-2009 4:21pm

When I was a very young kid (in England), one of my mum's closest friends (and colleague) was a Caribbean woman. Her surname was Brown, and my mum always called her Mrs Brown when talking to me. Don't think I have to spell out the highly embarrassing question that followed.

Turd Ferguson · 10-02-2009 4:30pm

Aden Hollow Streamer wrote: »

You're what? Couldn't you take the time to make this post less of an eyesore for those reading it? Have some consideration,

Give the guy a break. He hasnt logged in to boards for 4 years!!!!!!

10-02-2009 4:33pm

Always loved Franknfurters stories.

Years ago, my sister-in-law got a new handbag that had a little notebook attached to the front in a zipped pocket. My niece was 6 at the time and was really taken with this notebook.

Niece: "Mum, can I have your notebook when you die?"
SIL: "Of course"
Niece: "Good. Don't use all the pages so".

m5ex9oqjawdg2i · 10-02-2009 4:33pm

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

Give the guy a break. He hasnt logged in to boards for 4 years!!!!!!

GOOD!!!

10-02-2009 4:50pm

parents taught me to drive at 11, got grounded for 9 months when i was 15 for takin the car out..

eejits shouldn't have taught me to drive

Das Kitty · 10-02-2009 4:56pm

My father is a very irresponsible parent, in more ways than I'd like to get into.

There is one story that doesn't get my hackles up though.

When my eldest brother was small in the late 70s my Dad used to take him for a drive and teach him his racist and misogynistic ways, completely unbeknown to my mother.

He was rumbled the day they were picking my maternal grandmother up from the train station. They stopped at a pedestrian crossing and a girl in a short skirt crossed in front of the car. My brother (aged about 5) proclaimed.

"Would you look at the arse on that, Granny, I'd love to ride the hole off her!"

My poor mortified mother.

Hellrazer · 10-02-2009 4:59pm

Worst one for me was after going to get a movie in xtravision for the kids.I pick up the case off a movie and ask the daughter is shes seen it.

Yeah you downloaded it from <dodgy torrent site> for me last week dad.

The looks I got from the staff

:o

stovelid · 10-02-2009 5:31pm

Das Kitty wrote: »

"Would you look at the arse on that, Granny, I'd love to ride the hole off her!"

Excellent Da to have, imo.

Stephen P · 10-02-2009 5:43pm

When my nephew was about 4 he was with my sister in the local Garda station getting some forms signed. He was wearing a Superman raincoat that had a cape on the back of it. A woman in the waiting room wanting to break the silence said to him "Oh are you Superman?", my nephew replied in the most sarcastic voice "No I'm just a little boy in a raincoat".

My sister didn't know where to put her face

phasers · 10-02-2009 6:00pm

This thread is at least 90% bullsh*t.

I didn't embarrass my parents

ScumLord · 10-02-2009 6:04pm

Aparently I used to hate church as a child and would scream as soon as I entered the building and wouldn't stop till we left.

I was told that one day I broke free and grabbed an old mans walking stick to keep the parents at bay. When the old man tried to get his stick back I hit him with it and ran up to the alter. The priest thought this was a great sign that all children came to Jesus.

Rowley Birkin QC · 10-02-2009 6:32pm

A daughter of friends of my aunt is absolutely priceless. They are the kind of couple that will "fight" in front of everyone but theres never any meaning in it, great couple all in all.

Anyway they have a 4 year old girl and after overhearing mam and dad shouting abuse at each other she was asked in play-school what her parents worked at " Daddy says mammy is only good for lying on her back"!!

Anytime that there is football or any kind of sport on tv she launches into a routine of "Go on.......go on.......go on........... ah fcuk it anyway, that refs only a bollox!".

dfx- · 10-02-2009 7:10pm

ColHol wrote: »

In mass one easter (i think)

Priest: Do you renounce satan and all his works?
Cong.: We do
Me: I DON'T

I did it for all the questions he asked, and cue some stifled laughter, dirty looks from the priest etc.

Maybe it's my toothache or the lack of sleep, but that is the funniest thing I've read in a long while..

coffee_cake · 10-02-2009 7:23pm

When I was about two or three they had the camera out filming me doing a jigsaw puzzle, places in africa
all going merrily along until I can't find one piece and ask loudly "where the f* is chad??"
been slagged about that one for a long time...

10-02-2009 9:25pm

I remember accosting one of my mothers friends on the loo, when we were having a party once. I was maybe 3 or 4. She was morto.
I was curious about muffs, so I was studiously inspecting hers and I told her off when she asked me to leave.

She brought me bosco toys too.....bet she was sorry she bothered after!

spinandscribble · 10-02-2009 9:34pm

i was at a speech therapist as my mom was convinced something was wrong with me and my sister because we spoke very little and had our own language. We were three.

we go and sit inside and my mothers called in a few minutes later.
"why, that was quick"
"you're twins are smart. a bit too smart."
"oh mommy look at the state of this place! theres cobwebs in every corner! "points* there is no way we're going to sit in here. don't worry, we told her already"
"yeah we're not coming back here!"

my mother says she has never been so embarrassed in her whole life. She's a clean freak so what did she expect?? very similar thing happened in my uncles house when we told him to get a new wife because the place was far too dusty.

Da Bounca · 10-02-2009 11:47pm

As a youngster me da used to bring me with him to the pub the odd time. I'd get filled full of crisps and fizzy's and have a great auld banter with all the folks there. Twas brilliant.
Anyways, one day while in mass me da was supporting me while I was standing on top of the back of the seat in front of us. It was a standing part of the sermon, so as some folks do, they hold their youngsters up so they can see whats goin on and what not. So I must have been getting tetchy or something because all of a sudden I yelled out "Daddy, I wanna go to the pub!".

Well he said he's never been as mortified as that day. I only found this out recently enough as well, I piled over laughing. He told it far better than I did.

Six of One · 11-02-2009 12:08am

At the market with Bray in ye olden times with Auntie M. She was buying tealight candles, 20 for a pound. The stall lady gave her the bag and let her work away. I stood beside her fascinated counting along. At the end I said in a kind of nudge-nudge wink-wink way to M that, "I saw". Her, shocked, "What?". I stage whispered that she had put twentyone candles in, thinking it was all great fun. The stall lady was looking on and was as embarrassed as Auntie M saying that it was okay and it didn't matter. Never forget the mortification all round as M emptied out the bag and counted each candle back in aloud to prove her honesty!

"Mammy's a bisexual"

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