He has a dating site account - and a baby under six months!

LegacyUser · 12-01-2021 11:27pm #1

Long story short is my partner of three years has a pof account. I just found out this evening. Our baby is under 6 months. I'm not here to ask what to do about the relationship. It's over obviously. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I didn't leave in these circumstances. I suppose my question is, are there women or men on here who've been through similar? And if so have you anything you'd like to offer by way of advice?

This is not a situation of an old irrelevant forgotten about account by the way (who hasn't got one of those?) It's obviously an account he's been logged into recently as he was flicking through the open web pages on his phone and closing some of them without realising I was tuned in to what he was doing. Neither was I to be honest, I wasn't really watching him, until up popped the pof page. My heart just sank and I knew on the spot my relationship was over. Trying to get my head around it and figure a way to cut ties and move on. I haven't said a word to him yet, but he knows there's something up with me.

I know some people on here can have strong opinions and like to start debates. I'm asking people not to do that here. This is my life, and it has just been upended, while I'm holding a baby not yet six months old. Advice appreciated, with thanks.

YellowLead · 12-01-2021 11:46pm

All is can say is - big huge hugs to you. I hope somebody else offers some better words.

TheW1zard · 12-01-2021 11:51pm

You will be ok

Loveinapril · 13-01-2021 12:07am

Fair play to you. It can't be easy thinking this straight with such a young baby. Well done you for doing what is right for you and your little one. Have you got friends or family you can lean on for support? It won't be an easy transition but you are clearly a strong woman x

LegacyUser · 13-01-2021 12:50am

Thank you all. This is just beyond the beyonds. Looking at the baby this evening was so sad; he was asleep and so peaceful looking, the image of his father. I'm glad I'm not confused enough to think the baby's something to stay for. The baby's the biggest part of the reason I need to leave. I think I can count myself lucky this happened when he was young enough not to remember his dad living with us, rather than a family break up later on down the line, which is inevitably much more traumatic for the kids. Still though, this is horrible.

rapul · 13-01-2021 10:42am

Did you ask him why or talk to him about it all?

bitofabind · 13-01-2021 1:15pm

It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back for you in this relationship OP. Would that be accurate? Or is this just a flat-out dealbreaker for you, without having all of the facts and the whys to hand?

I can understand if it's the latter as that is a common gut reaction. Trust is so fragile and this kind of thing can break it irrevocably. Without trust, there is no relationship. However, there's a difference between an otherwise trustworthy, loving, supportive partner engaging in this kind of behaviour and someone who is yet again backing himself as an unreliable, unsupportive, unavailable type. I can tell you what I would need to do as someone in a healthy relationship and that is go on a fact finding mission and talk to him about it. Understand the whys and gauge if there is a family here to save.

But what you do next is entirely your prerogative. I wish you the best of luck. Whatever happens, you will be ok.

Goodigal · 13-01-2021 3:21pm

A friend discovered her partner on the same app when their child was around the same age. They talked it out and he apologised etc. Said he felt neglected or something selfish like that. However, she never regained trust in him again. Sure enough, about 4 years later it emerged he was doing exactly the same thing again. So it all ended. She wishes she had ended it the first time it happened, and not lived through a number of years of mistrust.
You have already decided it's a dealbreaker, so fair play to you. Yes, it's going to be a sad transition to single parenting, but in my opinion, you won't be left wondering for years what your boyfriend is up to. Good luck, you sound strong, and you will manage.

Airyfairy12 · 13-01-2021 4:00pm

So sorry that this is happening to you.
I can only speak from experience, although my situation was not like yours in that I didnt have the added pressure, responsibilities and ties to an ex of a child or baby but I know how horrible it is to find out your partner is cheating or even thinking about it and then having to leave the person you love because of something theyve done.
Some people can forgive cheating and move on from it, I cant and reading your post it sounds like you cant either, in that case the best option is to leave now and dont look back. He will beg and plead for you to get back with him, he'll tell you everything you want to hear but he wont change and you'll end up going around and around in this endless cycle of deception and distrust with a child caught in the middle.
Id just suggest you have everything in order before you leave so you dont have to depend on him for anything.

Magicmatilda · 13-01-2021 5:22pm

Yeah I found an ex on pof. Really weirdly I just got a feeling and did a search on their for his age location etc and sure enough there he was. The account had been updated while we together and he referred to events that had happened while we were together in his profile. I confronted him and he said he was bored one day and set it up...we continued for maybe 2 months, when I found evidence of several physical affairs. I ended it straight away.

All I can is are you absolutely sure its a recent account, have you found the profile?

If you are then as stated, confide in some people you can trust, friend/family etc...

Have a plan for how you will move forward, both for you (where you will live, childcare etc..)but also for him and the baby (access, maintenance).

I am sorry this has happened to you, it helped me to know none of it was my fault other than staying longer than I should. He was just a damaged person and I got caught in that. I knew in my heart I couldn't have done anything (other than leave sooner) to change anything. But i suspect you know all that.

LegacyUser · 14-01-2021 2:33am

Thanks everyone for your kind comments, they're nice to read at a time like this. As to some of the questions, no, it isn't a last chance saloon scenario. I would never have imagined this before last night. I haven't asked why because I don't care why; some facts stand on their own two feet. No I haven't said anything yet. I've got my pof account set up and ready to go though and he'll understand the situation soon enough when he checks his inbox. Thanks be to God I'm a financially independent woman who doesn't need to be putting up with this sh!t.

Sonic the Shaghog · 14-01-2021 4:48am

Just to play devil's advocate here.

- he could have been logging in trying to delete an old profile

- a friend could have asked him to check out a profile of someone

- a friend could have spotted someone they both know and sent it on so he could have a nose

- a friend could have asked him to give their profile a once over to see if it looks ok

You really owe it to yourself to just ask and be sure before you just end it all. If he gives a I'm bored, neglected, etc at least you can end it then

Telly · 14-01-2021 10:13am

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Just to play devil's advocate here.

- he could have been logging in trying to delete an old profile

- a friend could have asked him to check out a profile of someone

- a friend could have spotted someone they both know and sent it on so he could have a nose

- a friend could have asked him to give their profile a once over to see if it looks ok

You really owe it to yourself to just ask and be sure before you just end it all. If he gives a I'm bored, neglected, etc at least you can end it then

All this could have been done with screenshots and not setting up an account!

YellowLead · 14-01-2021 10:24am

Telly wrote: »

All this could have been done with screenshots and not setting up an account!

That’s true. And OP probably has a gut feeling in general which she should trust.
However the one other possibility could be to do with account security. I recently had to log into a lot of old accounts (not just dating websites) as my password (I use the same few for everything really bad I know) had been compromised. Maybe he went on it to change password on inactive account or delete the account.

But That’s a slim chance - and OP will find out once she confronts him.

From my perspective there would be no excusing this. Trust would be gone. I’d be SLIGHTLY more forgiving if in general the relationship was otherwise great and on a night out he had sex with a stranger and told me right away - which is still AWFUL behaviour don’t get me wrong - but this kind of pre meditated actively looking (whether it’s sex, intimacy in general, an affair or lining up a new girlfriend) and hiding it from OP is completely unforgivable, how could there ever be trust.

rapul · 14-01-2021 10:44am

Talk, talk and talk.

You just never know OP.

Dial Hard · 14-01-2021 2:52pm

Helpmemoveon2828 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your kind comments, they're nice to read at a time like this. As to some of the questions, no, it isn't a last chance saloon scenario. I would never have imagined this before last night. I haven't asked why because I don't care why; some facts stand on their own two feet. No I haven't said anything yet. I've got my pof account set up and ready to go though and he'll understand the situation soon enough when he checks his inbox. Thanks be to God I'm a financially independent woman who doesn't need to be putting up with this sh!t.

Please tell me you're not planning to dump him via POF?

Username here · 14-01-2021 2:56pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Please tell me you're not planning to dump him via POF?

..... without having had a conversation about this with him? While the optics are poor, there MAY be an innocent or acceptable explanation for his behaviour. If not for yourself, you owe it to your child to have this conversation with him before walking away.

blue note · 14-01-2021 3:12pm

I think the most likely explanation is the bad one. That he was at a minimum testing the waters on it. However, there is a chance it's something more innocent.

I'm thinking back to a flight I was on and got chatting to the girl beside me on it. Turned out she was an escort (and in fairness probably looking for a new client). She was very nice and it was nice to have the chats on a flight, but that's a side issue. A couple of weeks after just out of curiosity I looked her up on the Internet. Turns out there's a website called escorts ireland. No intention of making contact or certainly no intention of making an appointment. But if my fiance at the time had looked over my shoulder she could have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

I think it's worth talking to him. Making contact on pof in a sting operation I actually don't think is a bad idea.

mea_k · 14-01-2021 3:16pm

Advice from what happened to me
- document EVERYTHING, screen grabs of the dating site profile, any messages between yee that is talking about it etc.

-obviously will need to confront him on what you have found when ever you feel like it's right time for you. I wouldn't do it streight away. Get yourself together and set out clear questions, calmly ask these questions.

- because child is involved, think with your head not heart.
And think what's best for yee.

- don't throw all relationship away - things can be worked out if this is only thing that is bothering you about him..

Tork · 14-01-2021 3:26pm

This is the sort of thing that really should be dealt with face to face. I can't think of any innocent reason why he'd be on POF but it is still a conversation that needs to be had. Sometimes we jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts and we find out we're wrong.

If you choose to split from him, you're still going to have to co-parent with him. You might want to string him up by the whatsits at the moment but you're going to have to move past that at some point and work out how to be civil.

Sonic the Shaghog · 14-01-2021 4:27pm

Dumping him via POF? Ye are both too immature to have a child ffs

Caryatnid · 17-01-2021 6:53am

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Dumping him via POF? Ye are both too immature to have a child ffs

Excellent, non-judgemental point. Hurt, shocked and broken-hearted adults, as we know, never ever have immature thoughts or ideas.
OP came here for advice on what to now/future, not whether she can delete her baby and go back in time and start all over again.

OP, you are strong - you will be okay. But I do agree with the others - you owe it to the relationship to confront him. While I would agree that your instincts are probably correct - there *could be* a innocent reason, especially if he was checking beside you. I think, you will know from his reaction if you were right or not. Good luck. x

17-01-2021 8:53am

OP, I find it odd you don't care what he was actually at on the site. Sure he could have clicked an ad for it by mistake. I'd simply insist on accessing the account and seeing what he's at on it.

LegacyUser · 17-01-2021 11:50am

This is all a fairly astonishing set of responses.

Key point 1: they've a 6-month-old child.

I've been with the same woman for almost 20 years. However, the first 6 months-year of our first child were the most lonely, isolating, darkest time of my life. I had no support, and no culture of asking for it. It wasn't merely that the child came first and all the rest, which I obviously expected. It was the total, abject anxiety of my wife, all day, every day. There was no kindness, no softness, no touch. No remission. Ever. It wasn't as if she had no help, the usual line used to shift blame to men - rather, she wanted to do everything, to micromanage everything which on top of everybody's tiredness exacerbated stress levels enormously. From the greatest love I've ever felt, to the greatest coldness. The shouting and panicing over the most trivial of things resulted in my retreat from the conflict and a sustained sense of loneliness.
Could it possibly be that this man is going through even some of this and is reeling from even some of the same treatment?

Key point 2: he may not be cheating

As stated, I've been with the same person for almost two decades. I've never cheated on her. Not once. However, in the past six months after years of trying - 'too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart' - I've come to the chilling conclusion that now that she has the kids she just wants this status of marriage and can live without love, intimacy and companionship. My cross to bear. I decided to see what's out there and in order to do so I had to set up some account on the website, so I set up a free one with a fake name, no photo, etc. Just to look. I'd never contact anybody. I just want some idea that I can find love, companionship and intimacy again. It's a cry for help, and I may or may not leave it open on the laptop some day. There's only so much loneliness and lack of touch a human can take. The guy here may be a a self-centred, etc man. I don't know. However, not taking into account the recent context of childbirth and its potential consequences for the relationship and deciding to break it off without even discussing it with him possibly indicates the tempestuousness and irrationality he's probably reeling from in his new sex-free, kindness-free home life.

wiggle16 · 17-01-2021 1:02pm

Mod:

The OP hasn't come back and seems to have reached a resolution a couple of days ago.

Thread locked.

He has a dating site account - and a baby under six months!

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