What's the etiquette here??

TomasMacR · 23-04-2019 11:06am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.
The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.
Business as usual, what a glorious experience.

Thanks for the recommendation. If there’s two places you never want to take a dump in I’d say they’re a pub or a fast food restaurant. There’s a serious concentration of both of these around the Grafton street area. If you are ever stuck around here and you get that gurgle and your arsehole starts twitching there’s a hidden gem to take of matters, 4th floor of Brown Thomas. Pristine spotless shítter, tv with the news on, long thick heavy pine doors with no gaps above or below, thick concrete walls between traps...ultimate privacy levels. Highest quality Jacks roll that glides between your cheeks. After you’ve wrecked the toilet the sink area is another joy to behold. High quality bottled soap and thick quilted individual hand towels. Leaving thoroughly satisfied you’ve a nice trip down four sets of escalators where you can get some top notch perving done, exit with no awkward eye contact with a concierge that knows you just destroyed the jacks.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 11:11am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’d be a very regular visitor to Pat’s eatin’ houses - usually circa 1.30 and with a belly full of porter consumed.

I can confirm that 8 pints of porter, a snackbox, garlic and cheese chips, and onion rings is not a healthy combination for the digestive system the next day. Best to stay in base and sort out the issue in the comfort of your home, rather than have to find and invariably destroy a public convenience.

I too, am a pal of Pats cuisine subsequent to the imbibing of double digit porter.

It is fair to say that the following days 'deposits' can leave a man reeling. The initial movement is always fairly solid due to the soakage provided by the garlic cheese chips and burgers. Don't be fooled by this however as subsequent visits to the water closet will be a less static affair and tend to vary between scutter and solid.

Sh1t roulette, so to speak.

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 11:14am

Friend of mine went to China on a business trip once, he said some of the traps there were worse then the bookies toilet in Trainspotting.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 11:55am

TomasMacR wrote: »

Thanks for the recommendation. If there’s two places you never want to take a dump in I’d say they’re a pub or a fast food restaurant. There’s a serious concentration of both of these around the Grafton street area. If you are ever stuck around here and you get that gurgle and your arsehole starts twitching there’s a hidden gem to take of matters, 4th floor of Brown Thomas. Pristine spotless shítter, tv with the news on, long thick heavy pine doors with no gaps above or below, thick concrete walls between traps...ultimate privacy levels. Highest quality Jacks roll that glides between your cheeks. After you’ve wrecked the toilet the sink area is another joy to behold. High quality bottled soap and thick quilted individual hand towels. Leaving thoroughly satisfied you’ve a nice trip down four sets of escalators where you can get some top notch perving done, exit with no awkward eye contact with a concierge that knows you just destroyed the jacks.

The sort of excellent and practical advice that Boards.ie is known for.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 12:00pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The sort of excellent and practical advice that Boards.ie is known for.

Good advice indeed, though it should have included the warning that it takes about ten minutes to get up to the fourth floor from the front doors. You need to build this lead time into your plan, to avoid nasty incidents on the escalators.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 12:06pm

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Good advice indeed, though it should have included the warning that it takes about ten minutes to get up to the fourth floor from the front doors. You need to build this lead time into your plan, to avoid nasty incidents on the escalators.

That’s solid and practical advice for the novice as well. There’s a shortage of easy to access shîtters in the city centre in general, even though I’d also recommend O’Neills pub on Suffolk Street if the Grade A facilities such as Brown Thomas, The Shelbourne etc are unavailable. It has a downstairs facility with a solid wooden door, tiled walls, a good wide throat on the throne itself, and a good high cistern with a stainless steel and marble chain pull. Can move the heaviest of discharges and it’s half way to Ringsend by the time you belt up your mustard chinos.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 12:09pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s solid and practical advice for the novice as well. There’s a shortage of easy to access shîtters in the city centre in general, even though I’d also recommend O’Neills pub on Suffolk Street if the Grade A facilities such as Brown Thomas, The Shelbourne etc are unavailable. It has a downstairs facility with a solid wooden door, tiled walls, a good wide throat on the throne itself, and a good high cistern with a stainless steel and marble chain pull. Can move the heaviest of discharges and it’s half way to Ringsend by the time you belt up your mustard chinos.

M&S on the other side of the street have decent facilities too, though like BTs, you have to climb up to the upper levels to get there. Not quite the luxury of BTs, but any port in a storm.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 12:11pm

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Good advice indeed, though it should have included the warning that it takes about ten minutes to get up to the fourth floor from the front doors. You need to build this lead time into your plan, to avoid nasty incidents on the escalators.

You sound like a man in 'the know' Andrew.

Intuition is an integral part of toilet selection. One should do an on the spot risk assessment when pondering the facilities particularly if you have a live 'round' in the chamber.

Likelihood/risk of sh1tting oneself versus the hazard of opening the bomb doors in substandard conditions would give you a risk rating commensurate to all factors being considered. :cool:

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 1:05pm

I’d be hesitant to take advice on what public conveniences I should be using from people on this site. I don’t want to end up in some sort of “known spot” with my trousers down.

But, for what it’s worth, I’d recommend the more upmarket hotels around the city. I was very impressed with the Fitzwilliam on Stephen’s Green. With these establishments it’s best not be dressed like some sort of homeless.

Shuffling over in a dirty green coat with faded bootcut jeans and a pair of Converse All Stars just isn’t going to cut it. A nice haircut and a clean shaven face is a must.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 1:08pm

What do you mean by ‘known spot’, Emmet?

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 1:18pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

What do you mean by ‘known spot’, Emmet?

I'd imagine a cruising spot, like the jacks in DCU Henry Grattan - at least 20 years ago they were a notorious spot.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 23-04-2019 1:34pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I'd imagine a cruising spot, like the jacks in DCU Henry Grattan - at least 20 years ago they were a notorious spot.

Presume you know that from experience Hector? In there sticking you hand under the stall giving obscure hand signals and tapping your feet to the correct rythmn to indicate you're looking for a bear.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 1:54pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

What do you mean by ‘known spot’, Emmet?

I can only tell you what I’ve heard, Johnny. It’s not a “scene” I’m overly familiar with but there are men out there who will try to solicit sexual favours from strangers in public restrooms.

The “solicitor” will bring in a big carrier bag, like the reusable ones you’d get from a supermarket. He’ll open it out on the floor and the other lad will stand into it so that if anyone looks under the door they only see one pair of feet while they engage in a number of sex acts.

As I’ve stated previously, I’ve nothing against that sort of thing. I voted yes in the equality referendum but I really don’t want to have my toilet experience disturbed by the sounds of thighs slapping buttocks or a “cobbler’s crunch”.

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 1:58pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Presume you know that from experience Hector? In there sticking you hand under the stall giving obscure hand signals and tapping your feet to the correct rythmn to indicate you're looking for a bear.

No actually, I found out years after I left DCU, but it made sense looking back, the jacks were always packed with blokes even when there was **** all lectures in the place.

Weird atmosphere.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 2:13pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I can only tell you what I’ve heard, Johnny. It’s not a “scene” I’m overly familiar with but there are men out there who will try to solicit sexual favours from strangers in public restrooms.

The “solicitor” will bring in a big carrier bag, like the reusable ones you’d get from a supermarket. He’ll open it out on the floor and the other lad will stand into it so that if anyone looks under the door they only see one pair of feet while they engage in a number of sex acts.

As I’ve stated previously, I’ve nothing against that sort of thing. I voted yes in the equality referendum but I really don’t want to have my toilet experience disturbed by the sounds of thighs slapping buttocks or a “cobbler’s crunch”.

I believe that whole scene is known as cottaging. George Michael used to partake in the activity.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 2:30pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Weird atmosphere.

Yeah, the type where the air smells like a teenager’s bedroom.

I’ve an “odd” cousin who spends his days locked away in his room, he must be in his early 20’s at this stage but you can get the smell when you arrive into the house. It’s like a musty old mushroom soup that permeates down the stairs.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I believe that whole scene is known as cottaging. George Michael used to partake in the activity.

That’s right, I’d forgotten about that! You’d think that sort of thing would be dying out at this stage but I guess there’s a bit of a “buzz” that goes with it.

Ush1 · 23-04-2019 2:32pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I believe that whole scene is known as cottaging. George Michael used to partake in the activity.

He was a divil for it. Often known to treat himself to a sausage meat kebab...and then go for something to eat.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 2:44pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s right, I’d forgotten about that! You’d think that sort of thing would be dying out at this stage but I guess there’s a bit of a “buzz” that goes with it.

I don't see the 'buzz' in it. I can't imagine anyone enjoying getting their rocks off whilst an absolute muck savage like JohnnyFlash is empyting the rancid contents of his bowels in an adjoining cubicle.

TomasMacR · 23-04-2019 3:01pm

Speaking of Cottaging here's a true story and not one of my best moments, I was in the US in '98 during the summer doing barwork. Two of the other barmen who were american were into skydiving, as in the actual practice of jumping out of a plane with a parachute and not the below definition*. They asked would I be interested in doing one and they were sound enough so I said why not. The day before we were headed off I ate in a fast food sh*thole called Checkers, I knew as I was eating it wasn't going to end well. Next day I feel like sh*te but get collected by the two lads and headed off for the long drive to the skydive place. I'm in the horrors in the back of the car after an hour and ask them to pull over, we pull into one of those big trucker diner/rest areas. I was only 20 and I was totally oblivious to all this messing in jacks, especially in those trucker stops. I make it to the jacks and have a serious dose of the trots and am sat on the bowl in a state for about 20-30 minutes. Long story short, the two lads f*cked off and left me there as they figured I was some raging homosexual looking for or getting action in the jacks. Spent all parachute jump money getting a taxi back to the city. When I saw them in work they didn't give a toss and didn't believe a word of my protests. Got the p*ss ripped out of me for the rest of the time I worked there. I would like to add, although I had no idea about all this gay public jacks stuff I remember something wasn't right in there.

*Skydiving
A sexual action involving a pregnant woman and one or more male partners. The woman lies on her stomach with her hands and legs out in a "skydiving position" while the man kneels behind her. If there are multiple men they kneel in a circle around the victim. The men proceeds to fu*k the living **** out of the woman in either hole, whatever the male prefers. After 30 seconds he pulls out and spins the woman on her stomach. The woman spins until coming to the next man, or the same man who then proceeds to **** her.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 3:02pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Shuffling over in a dirty green coat with faded bootcut jeans and a pair of Converse All Stars just isn’t going to cut it. A nice haircut and a clean shaven face is a must.

So none of the U.35 tech barons who have about ten times the assets of you or me then?

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 3:03pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I don't see the 'buzz' in it. I can't imagine anyone enjoying getting their rocks off whilst an absolute muck savage like JohnnyFlash is empyting the rancid contents of his bowels in an adjoining cubicle.

You don’t see it and neither do I but what I was saying is that some out there would be “getting off” from the excitement they get “fooling around” in a public restroom.

I have no idea if Mr. Flash goes in for that sort of thing or not and, frankly, I don’t want to know. Although, if I were a betting man, I say it wouldn’t just be the “rancid contents of his bowels” that he’d be emptying in there. Probably brings in a little glass to press up against the cubicle divider.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 3:17pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

I don't see the 'buzz' in it. I can't imagine anyone enjoying getting their rocks off whilst an absolute muck savage like JohnnyFlash is empyting the rancid contents of his bowels in an adjoining cubicle.

Less of the personals please. I may be a muck savage and I sometime have rancid shîtes that would strip paint from a small airplane, but don’t forget I’m the dude who started this thread because of inconsiderate bastards in adjoining cubicles. I don’t want some colleague or relation of mine emptying his ‘prison purse’ in the dunny next door anymore than I want two perverts engaging in acts of felching, cottaging, figging, or space docking. No sir, no way.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 3:20pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Less of the personals please. I may be a muck savage and I sometime have rancid shîtes that would strip paint from a small airplane, but don’t forget I’m the dude who started this thread because of inconsiderate bastards in adjoining cubicles. I don’t want some colleague or relation of mine emptying his ‘prison purse’ in the dunny next door anymore than I want two perverts engaging in acts of felching, cottaging, figging, or space docking. No sir, no way.

The lady doth protest too much.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 3:20pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Less of the personals please. I may be a muck savage and I sometime have rancid shîtes that would strip paint from a small airplane, but don’t forget I’m the dude who started this thread because of inconsiderate bastards in adjoining cubicles. I don’t want some colleague or relation of mine emptying his ‘prison purse’ in the dunny next door anymore than I want two perverts engaging in acts of felching, cottaging, figging, or space docking. No sir, no way.

Is “figging” when they put their mickeys side by side and **** them as one?

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 3:26pm

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

So none of the U.35 tech barons who have about ten times the assets of you or me then?

If someone isn’t dressed appropriately for going into an upmarket hotel you would hope the doorman would do his duty and either stop them or get them to prove they are a guest/patron.

He wouldn’t have to do that to someone not dressed like a tramp or a crusty student.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 3:29pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If someone isn’t dressed appropriately for going into an upmarket hotel you would hope the doorman would do his duty and either stop them or get them to prove they are a guest/patron.

He wouldn’t have to do that to someone not dressed like a tramp or a crusty student.

I'd say if Mark Zuckerberg was going to the Shelbourne to take a sh1te, they'd probably be tipped off in advance.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 3:33pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Is “figging” when they put their mickeys side by side and **** them as one?

Not sure what that particularly activity is called, Emmet. Figging however is when a large piece of ginger is inserted into the anus to bring about a burning sensation, and therefore sexual gratification. Must be a different sort of burning sensation than one would experience after visiting the crapper after 5 days eating nothing only microwave cheese burgers and drinking nothing only strong Polish lager.

Strange people out there.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 3:37pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

If someone isn’t dressed appropriately for going into an upmarket hotel you would hope the doorman would do his duty and either stop them or get them to prove they are a guest/patron.

He wouldn’t have to do that to someone not dressed like a tramp or a crusty student.

That's a great way for the Shelbourne to make sure that the wealthiest of the up and coming generation who generally do look like a crusty won't become their customer.

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 3:45pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

You don’t see it and neither do I but what I was saying is that some out there would be “getting off” from the excitement they get “fooling around” in a public restroom.

I have no idea if Mr. Flash goes in for that sort of thing or not and, frankly, I don’t want to know. Although, if I were a betting man, I say it wouldn’t just be the “rancid contents of his bowels” that he’d be emptying in there. Probably brings in a little glass to press up against the cubicle divider.

Lads, I'm the one who brought up cottaging or cruising !!

Leave JF out of it.
If you have read about his many exploits with the ladies you would know he is a straight meat and potatoes man!

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 3:47pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

*Skydiving
A sexual action involving a pregnant woman and one or more male partners. The woman lies on her stomach with her hands and legs out in a "skydiving position" while the man kneels behind her. If there are multiple men they kneel in a circle around the victim. The men proceeds to fu*k the living **** out of the woman in either hole, whatever the male prefers. After 30 seconds he pulls out and spins the woman on her stomach. The woman spins until coming to the next man, or the same man who then proceeds to **** her.

WTF ?
Why does she have to be pregnant ?

What's the etiquette here??

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