Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

Guilt over past decision

  • 19-01-2021 2:25pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My story:
    I'm male, 48, and ended a long relationship a couple of years ago. It was the most significant relationship I ever had, where I felt I really belonged. The last couple of years of that relationship cooled off the spark, as it happens a lot, although there was nothing major against it. I ended it. She was devastated.
    We kept in touch, as it was not one of those ordinary "never speak again" at all. She never wanted to end, and made it very clear that up to this day she would like to try again.
    Time has passed since we broke up, and it slowly started sinking in that just because the spark was gone, there were many positive sides on that relationship. Of course I was in denial for a while, and fooled by the butterfies on the stomach when you meet or chat somone up. That always fades.
    I have since had some health issues, you look at me and know I'm not at my best.
    And I have wanted to go back. And I know she always told me that she felt we should try again and solve our issues together, especially now we knew the pit falls.
    But I am ashamed. I have this huge guilt inside for ending it, even though it felt to me it was the thing to be done back then. And I'm afraid of always having that guilt inside, for having done that to her. If we get back, I wonder if she will always have on the back of her mind "this is the guy who left me". Can this be mended?


Comments

  • #2
    Funk It
    Registered Users Posts: 663 ✭✭✭Funk It


    Its a tough one. But to use a cliche term, you should follow your heart on this.

    Understand that you feel guilt, which isn't good, but this looks to be at the front of your mind for a while.

    Whether or not it'd be on her mind, nobody can know. But as you have both stayed amicable, that's a massive positive if anything.

    "You miss 100% of the shots you never take"


  • #3
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,659 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I suppose there are two things at play here -
    1. Your feeling of guilt
    2. The other party’s trust in you
    I would argue that that trust your partner would have in you is the critical piece.
    It’s only really through having conversations with her that you would establish that. She may always worry that you might do the same again in future - feel the spark was gone and dump her again married or not.

    You also need to honestly ask yourself do you want her back because you miss being in a relationship and haven’t found another, you’re maybe worried about your health and growing old alone - or because you are genuinely in love with her specifically.

    I think if you do want to try again and the lady involved is telling you she wants to and will trust you, that your guilt would fade quite quickly when back together and you shouldn’t let guilt hold you back.


  • #4
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,727 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    I think there's always an element of romanticism of the past in these cases. It would probably just go back to how it was after a while if you were to get back with her, you left for a reason.
    Imagine how guilty and sad you'd feel then, and the position you'd put her in?


  • #5
    Caranica
    Registered Users Posts: 10,000 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    I've found that if you go back, it's only a matter of time before you realise just why you broke up. Especially if it's spark related, that's so hard to manufacture.


  • #6
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    When you say spark... do you mean the spark that relationships have at the start, that wanes quickly enough...

    OR.....

    That you weren't suited?


    If it's the former, then you could find that you still enjoy each others company, companionship, mutual interests etc

    If it's the latter, than the same issues will arise for you, you'll get bored/irritated/stuck/annoyed/frustrated after a while and you'll also give her false hope.



    So if it's the former, why not give it a go. If it's the latter, then better to leave it be.



    Is any of this due to "I have since had some health issues"... you're getting old, you're lonely and you're reaching out to someone who would be with you, even if you didn't really want to be with them?


    If you can have


  • Advertisement
  • #7
    Lesalare
    Registered Users Posts: 342 ✭✭Lesalare


    What do you love about her?

    Have you had many relationships since?


  • #8
    ShatterAlan
    Registered Users Posts: 2,807 ✭✭✭ShatterAlan


    Do you miss her touch?

    Does she miss yours?

    Would you prefer to be without her because you think you hurt her
    than to be with her and her telling you that you are being silly and that she
    can't wait to see you again?


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi I created this thread. Thanks for all your inputs, and to be clear, I was only talking about the initial spark that faded. And I am now very positive she is the one I want to spend my life with. I dated a bit since we split, I tried but could not forget her and never progressed too far with anyone. like I said, at the time I felt I should end, but now I can see we should have found a way to overcome that bump together.


  • #10
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    hi op

    your thread title is about guilt. of all the reasons to try again, guilt is the worst! if you want to try again because you miss her, and you found out the grass is not greener etc then i say go for it.

    But the spark will always 'fade' in time. Hopefully you are mature enough this time to work at the relationship to keep it healthy and to appreciate what you have, and cherish it. That way the spark can become a more enduring permanent love that gets you over the rocky moments.


  • #11
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    Anon2021 wrote: »
    Hi I created this thread. Thanks for all your inputs, and to be clear, I was only talking about the initial spark that faded. And I am now very positive she is the one I want to spend my life with. I dated a bit since we split, I tried but could not forget her and never progressed too far with anyone. like I said, at the time I felt I should end, but now I can see we should have found a way to overcome that bump together.


    Well then go for it.


    The real loving starts when that spark goes (According to The Road Less Travelled anyway).


  • Advertisement
  • #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    This post hit me on the spot, I've been there myself. Woman in late 40's, broke up on a similar way, and after a few years of trying to pretend all was fine while single or having short term things, one day it just hit me that deep down I was bottling up real feelings for my former partner, who was the first guy who really connected to me. I talked to him and said he had all the right to tell me to get lost, but that I had to be honest and say I would like to try again and work on us. He hugged me and we've been together since. That was 7 years ago.

    I am not saying everything always ends well, but go with your feelings. Don't let pride or past decisions become "rules" just because they seemed right at the time.

    Best of luck!


  • #13
    Granadino
    Registered Users Posts: 729 ✭✭✭Granadino


    How do you get that spark back? Or can it exist without the spark....


  • #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Granadino wrote: »
    How do you get that spark back? Or can it exist without the spark....

    In my opinion the spark can "mature" and turn into something much stronger, which I don't know how to call it. It doesn't mean it will always turn into that, but when it does, it's much deeper than the spark alone (which by itself is already great).


  • #15
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    Icanrelate wrote: »
    In my opinion the spark can "mature" and turn into something much stronger, which I don't know how to call it.


    LOVE!


    You start loving the person for who they are and for what you have with each other.


  • #16
    Granadino
    Registered Users Posts: 729 ✭✭✭Granadino


    I mean loving someone, but losing the attraction. You can still do that, but does ti work....


  • #17
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Whatever about you feeling guilty about dumping her before, just make sure you don't end up hurting her twice.

    Either get back with her or don't, but certainly don't waste anymore of her time.

    Good luck.


  • #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So we had a very honest chat, we have talked about this all and we are going to start doing some things together, just as if we were starting to go out. Very slow, no pressure, even joining for a quick walk. The one rule we set is absolutely no rushing anything. We are also not going to consider anything until enough time has passed and we feel this could be moving forward. Thank you all for the thoughts! I might post here how this will turn out, but I would be lying if I sad I'm not smiling :)


Advertisement