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Mental block over sex

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  • 21-12-2020 2:44pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm a man in my mid thirties. I was late coming out and only really started accepting myself as gay when I was about 25. It was a very drawn out coming out process and I only told close members of my family just a couple of years ago. I think it largely came down to me not being stereotypically gay and was never asked the question by friends or family so I just continued living my life in secret.

    I've dated a few guys but I've only had sex twice. Ever. The last time must have been about 5 years ago. I think I've built up this mental block over it and I don't know why. I've been in a lot of situations with guys where it was leading to sex and I always steered things away from it by just fooling around or saying "not tonight".

    I now feel like I'm that guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin. I've left it so long now that it feels like such a huge thing to do. All the guys I date are so much more experience than me and I feel I can't even say it to them because I'd feel so foolish. I'm also worried that I'd do the wrong thing because of my inexperience.

    Just last week I was on a 5th date with a guy in his house watching a movie and he asked me if I wanted to go up to his bedroom. I turned him down because before all this it had come up about the number of relationships he had and how he first has sex when he was 17 or something. I was so intimidated by this, being a guy that first had sex when he was about 30 and hasn't had it since.

    I really need some advice because I think it's holding me back from any kind of intimacy and serious relationship.


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    #2
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,163 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    Op if the guy has had been on 5 dates with you then he's obviously prepared to put the effort in, it's not like it's a quick hookup. How did he react to being turned down like that, did you talk it out or just let it go? I'm absolutely not trying to make light of your situation or make you feel bad but honestly if I were in his position I would feel very confused and probably a little hurt too. Do you like him and actually want to have sex with him?

    There is nothing wrong with being less experienced than your partner but you seem to be building this up in your mind as a much bigger thing than it is. You don't need to tell anyone how many partners you have had, even if they ask (which is rude btw), and you have had experiences in the past anyway.

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



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    #3
    TP_CM
    Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭TP_CM


    It would be good to talk about it with your partner I think. Reveal it all. I think the most important thing is to get it outside your own head.

    2nd thing is to love that side of yourself. There's nothing worse than an ego in bed, someone who thinks they're God's gift to the world of sex. Sometimes a bit of inexperience can make the sex amazing for the other party because it help them forget about all their own insecurities (which he has by the way, because we all do). So look at your inexperience as a turn on. Maybe that's why he's with you actually.

    Finally, take it slow. Why not have rules? For example, you're only going first base and no more until you want to take it one step further. Then stay at that base until you're ready for the next step and so on. That way, there isn't any big event or series of events that need to happen. And it will be better when it does happen.

    Most important thing is communication between the two of you.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He reacted pretty well if I'm honest. We kept making out and it didn't seem to bother him. He apologised in a message the next day for suggesting it and said that we should take it slow.

    Do I want to have sex with him? I don't know. I've put off sex with guys for so long that I never even think of it as an option. As silly as it sounds, I don't even know if I would enjoy it because the last time it happened was so long ago it might as well have never happened.

    I don't know if I could talk to him about it. Delving into my mental block about sex with a guy I've only went on 5 dates with would probably drive him away.

    I have a feeling that this guy I'm dating has a high sex drive because I couldn't get him off me (not in an aggressive way) and he got very very into the fooling around, including fairly intense dry humping. Even if I had the confidence to have sex with him, I'm not even sure if we're a match as I feel that he's a top and I wouldn't be keen on even trying bottoming. Believe it or not, this question never comes up with guys I date!


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    #5
    Heebie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    I hope you work past it. Sex can be really wonderful.


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    #6
    Mr.Frame
    Registered Users Posts: 766 ✭✭✭Mr.Frame


    mentalblock wrote: »
    He reacted pretty well if I'm honest. We kept making out and it didn't seem to bother him. He apologised in a message the next day for suggesting it and said that we should take it slow.

    Do I want to have sex with him? I don't know. I've put off sex with guys for so long that I never even think of it as an option. As silly as it sounds, I don't even know if I would enjoy it because the last time it happened was so long ago it might as well have never happened.

    I don't know if I could talk to him about it. Delving into my mental block about sex with a guy I've only went on 5 dates with would probably drive him away.

    I have a feeling that this guy I'm dating has a high sex drive because I couldn't get him off me (not in an aggressive way) and he got very very into the fooling around, including fairly intense dry humping. Even if I had the confidence to have sex with him, I'm not even sure if we're a match as I feel that he's a top and I wouldn't be keen on even trying bottoming. Believe it or not, this question never comes up with guys I date!

    Youre lucky that your partner reacted so well. It shows hes not in it for a quick bit of sex but wants to have a relationship with you, you should embrace that.
    What is it that you are afraid of when it comes to sex? Is it because deep down you think that if you do have sex, it will "confirm" that you are gay?
    Are you afraid of penetrative sex?
    Do you have performance anxiety?
    FYI, just because one is gay doesnt mean you HAVE to have anal sex, you dont.
    Many many gay couples dont.
    Why dont you start off slow,with your partner, maybe **** each other off, then maybe BJs etc.
    Dont put yourself under pressure, sex is to be enjoyed, have fun.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I've fully accepted that I'm gay. I've no issue with that at all.

    I don't have any problem with fooling around or oral sex or anything. I do enjoy thinking about penetrative sex but I never act on it. I can recall a few occasions where the opportunity for sex presented itself (quite literally) with guys and I kind of just rolled over and decided to "take a break" just to avoid being put in that position.

    It could be performance anxiety. I'm not really sure. Does being nervous about being clueless about what to do count? I do worry that I don't know what I'm doing and literally 99% of guys I would have so much more experience than me.

    Maybe I should take it slow with this guy and build up to sex when I feel more comfortable with him. But how do you even say that to someone? I got away with it the last time because it was an early date, but after a few more I don't think it will fly. I'm sure it will come up that he'll want to take it further but if I spurn him again he could just think I'm not into him at all, or will look for sex elsewhere.

    Embarrassingly I honestly considered going on Grindr and look for someone to help me out. Like a hook-up with the expectation that I've zero experience. At least then both of us would know what to expect and I wouldn't be embarrassed about doing something wrong.


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    #8
    Heebie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,302 ✭✭✭Heebie


    mentalblock wrote:
    It could be performance anxiety. I'm not really sure. Does being nervous about being clueless about what to do count? I do worry that I don't know what I'm doing and literally 99% of guys I would have so much more experience than me.

    ∆∆∆ Tell him that, right there. ∆∆∆

    If he's a good guy, he'll understand and let things happen at your pace. Maybe he'll offer to teach you what he can.
    Maybe he'll say he feels similarly. Maybe he'll see it as an adventure the two of you can experience together... exploring what you like and what you don't.

    You won't know until you talk with him.


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    #9
    Goodshape
    Registered Users Posts: 8,488 ✭✭✭Goodshape


    mentalblock wrote: »
    I don't have any problem with fooling around or oral sex or anything.

    You know, a lot of times when I "have sex" it would amount to fooling around and/or oral. Yes there is a special place for penetrative sex but that's not all of sex, often not the best part, and sometimes (not infrequently at all) not even included.

    As others have said, communication is key. You can enjoy the sex that you are comfortable with and see where that takes you. It is absolutely 100% okay to take it slow with anal sex, and to ask (tell) that things be taken slow.


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    #10
    Mr.Frame
    Registered Users Posts: 766 ✭✭✭Mr.Frame


    mentalblock wrote: »
    I've fully accepted that I'm gay. I've no issue with that at all.
    mentalblock wrote: »
    I don't have any problem with fooling around or oral sex or anything. I do enjoy thinking about penetrative sex but I never act on it. I can recall a few occasions where the opportunity for sex presented itself (quite literally) with guys and I kind of just rolled over and decided to "take a break" just to avoid being put in that position.

    So you avoided being put in that position. Ok, well first off never feel under pressure to do something you do not want to,never be forced into anything you dont want to.
    Again,if you dont want to have anal sex,dont do it and thats fine,its not a big deal. As I said before many gay couples dont engage in anal.
    mentalblock wrote: »
    It could be performance anxiety. I'm not really sure. Does being nervous about being clueless about what to do count? I do worry that I don't know what I'm doing and literally 99% of guys I would have so much more experience than me.

    Who said you were clueless about what to do?? There is no handbook, there is no right way or wrong way. Do whatever gives you pleasure or your partner pleasure.
    FYI you DO know what you are doing, stop being so hard on yourself.Sex is meant to be fun, it is meant to be pleasurable.
    You know how to kiss,how to ****, how to give head. If you want to go down the anal route,simply tell your partner that its your first time.He will understand. Take things slowly and plenty of lube and breath. That is if you are being the bottom.
    Again though, dont be thinking too much about it,do whatever feels right for you.

    mentalblock wrote: »
    Maybe I should take it slow with this guy and build up to sex when I feel more comfortable with him. But how do you even say that to someone? I got away with it the last time because it was an early date, but after a few more I don't think it will fly. I'm sure it will come up that he'll want to take it further but if I spurn him again he could just think I'm not into him at all, or will look for sex elsewhere.

    Do that, take your time and when you are ready for anal sex,then explain to him that it is your first time. Its no big deal to tell someone this.Tell him you feel nervous(again this is perfectly normal).
    mentalblock wrote: »
    Embarrassingly I honestly considered going on Grindr and look for someone to help me out. Like a hook-up with the expectation that I've zero experience. At least then both of us would know what to expect and I wouldn't be embarrassed about doing something wrong.

    The best person to help you out, will be the guy you are seeing. He from what youve said , seems nice and is into you.
    He will understand if you are nervous, he will understand if you say its your first time.You cannot do "something wrong".
    In the meantime, do other things and become more relaxed with yourself and stop beating yourself up, you will be fine.
    Have fun and lots of it


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    #11
    AllForIt
    Registered Users Posts: 8,269 ✭✭✭AllForIt


    Goodshape wrote: »
    You know, a lot of times when I "have sex" it would amount to fooling around and/or oral. Yes there is a special place for penetrative sex but that's not all of sex, often not the best part, and sometimes (not infrequently at all) not even included.

    I think this is such an important point. The idea that sex is just about *ucking, is something I always find frankly crude. Unless one is some kind of sexual deviant it is about for me anyway a special personal interaction with another human being, and the physical details of how that works out in practice are irrelevant.


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