Relationship issues during lockdown

LegacyUser · 26-02-2021 1:23pm #1

Hi All,

Posting this as I am looking for some objective advise, I feel with lockdown I am just getting slightly more irritated by things than I normally would, but I feel like my relationship is just at it's end/ falling apart.

We have been dating for 5 years, moved in with each other last year a couple of months before lockdown happened. I am working from home, my boyfriend isn't he is on the Covid Payment.

We no longer go to bed at the same time, he spends all day watching TV and then when I am finished work I go to the sitting room and we watch shows we both like and have dinner etc. come 10/ 11pm I go to bed, he stays up until 2am/ 3am playing computer games, comes up stairs often wakes me up (by accident) I struggle to go back to sleep.

He keeps saying "I know I must start going to bed earlier, but this is the first time I have ever had time off like this" he is loving lockdown.

I am trying to be understanding, but we no longer have sex..once every two weeks at the most..affection is out the window. We are living like housemates.

If I leave the house and say I'll be about 2 hours, but come back after an hour he seems visibly irritated. Gets a bit quiet, or says something like "you really weren't gone for very long"

This morning I had a medical appointment, it is an annual one I get quite nervous about as it is a follow up cancer check up -I was sick about 10 years ago all fine now, just a follow up.

Boyfriend knows I am anxious about it, the most affection I got was a slap on the knee going "you'll be grand" ...it just left such a sour taste in my mouth that he really doesn't care anymore.

I am actually convinced at this stage he has fully checked out of the relationship..I feel I am checking out ..I don't know what to do about this ..yes I know I need to talk with him, but I'm dreading it I can just see him getting extremely defensive ..and frankly I don't even know where to start...

Any ideas / tips on how to fix this rut/ am I being overly sensitive ?

Springfields · 26-02-2021 3:42pm

I think you know yourself that your relationship has come to / is coming to an end... for all the reasons you've listed above and that are clearly irritating you.
Yes lockdown has put an abnormal pressure on couples in lots of different ways but there should be ways in which it makes ye stronger too if ye are going to go the distance.
We are only hearing one side but he is not showing much understanding or empathy for you with his behaviour.
Is this what you want for yourself.
5 years is a long time but if you take lessons from it , it hasn't been wasted.
You need to figure out what you want from a partner and have a discussion with him
If he has checked out already you will know from his reaction
Good luck

ManOfMystery · 26-02-2021 4:03pm

Lockdown has definitely affected couples a lot. Some have really devoured all the extra time together, but that only works if they're both on the same page in terms of their intimacy and how they feel about spending time with each other.

For others, spending so much time together has been difficult and intense when they're used to the 9-5 routine of seeing each other only in evenings and weekends. Some people need their space and their time and solitude to do their own thing.

That is potentially only a temporary issue in itself (lockdowns will come to an end at some point) but his lack of affection and lack of intimacy hints at something deeper going on, which may have been exacerbated by lockdown. Not working is likely not helping either; as is all too often the case, when people have all the time in the world to pursue hundreds of interests or projects, they often don't - he's spending his time on video games and losing his motivation to do anything else.

I think it's time for a serious talk to see how he feels about the situation.

Yurt2 · 26-02-2021 9:10pm

Anecdotally, I've found this period of lockdown has put even the best of relationships under strain. You're boyfriend being out of work probably has knocked his self-esteem as well, even if he is being a snippy jerk about things. For whatever societal reason, men's self-worth is tied to what they do every day, and when that's taken away, personalities can change for the worse.

If you feel it's worthwhile, perhaps a few online relationship counselling sessions might be what's called for. They're very familiar with the patterns that restrictions have brought up in relationships at this stage.

Ticking and Bashing · 27-02-2021 1:45am

Maybe try switching the TV off in the evening and do some activity together - go for a walk, online yoga, online exercise from home, board games, cooking etc. Try something new each month. The never ending cycle of work TV work TV gets depressing. I'd suggest to switch the TV off for an hour or two each night and do something else together.

The DayDream · 27-02-2021 2:28am

In fairness some people find it hard to never have any alone time, even when they love the person. I'm like that, and I have in the past found that living with the person I'm in a relationship with can be hard, even when we weren't on lockdown. I just need my own space, and when I can't get it for long periods I feel a bit drained or irritated.

Your partner is probably like that, too, and is seeking that 'me time' by staying up later. However, that doesn't excuse him acting annoyed when you are around, especially when you can't help it under current circumstances. There is an element of taking you for granted here, and it is hurtful to you, even though he doesn't mean for it to be.

I'll be honest, in my situations I didn't realize how much I took those people for granted until they were gone and with someone else. Suddenly when I had all the alone time I wanted, in some cases even after I was the one who dumped them, I subsequently missed them and regretted my irritation with them being around all the time, which I realize now must have felt horrible for them, to be basically rejected by your own partner. No one deserves that. I eventually came to accept that maybe I'm just a bit of a loner who is better off being single if I can't make the other person feel like their presence in my life is properly valued and appreciated.

You need to make it clear to your boyfriend what is about to happen if he doesn't start to appreciate the fact he has a partner who loves him: you'll find someone else who will, and he can see what it's like to be single if that's what he really wants. Being single is not a barrell of laughs during lockdown either, you are either totally alone or reduced to online dating. Ask any one trying that out at the moment what it's like, most will tell you it's a shítshow, especially for men.

Please don't blame yourself for the lack of intimacy or spark, it happens in a lot of relationships. That doesn't mean it's acceptable at all but don't take it to heart or think you are unattractive or something, he's just taking you for granted and selfishly putting his computer games and stuff above your needs. He doesn't mean to, but he is. Unfortunately talking to him about it will probably make him more annoyed like youre nagging him etc. But all you can do is try and tell him and if he doesn't fix the issue, leave him to his computer games. Get a new boyfriend who treats you right. Maybe he needs to be alone to learn that he needs to treat his next girlfriend better. I know I will, if I ever get another one!

LegacyUser · 27-02-2021 2:32pm

The DayDream wrote: »

I'll be honest, in my situations I didn't realize how much I took those people for granted until they were gone and with someone else.

This post really hit close to the bone for me. My last girlfriend sounds like you OP, and she left me eventually. Of course it wasn't until then did I realise that I had been withdrawn, and I hadn't been showing her affection, and I had forgotten why I fell in love with her in the first place.

She did try and talk to me a couple of times before the end, but I didn't take it on board properly. Of course when she eventually realised she had to leave as it wasn't making her happy, it was too late for me. It all floods back to you, how wonderful this person is, and you feel like the biggest moron on the planet for taking the person for granted.

I didn't do anything horrible, but I probably wasn't the nicest person to be around sometimes, and I had allowed myself to settle into a boring repetitive life, I should have been doing all the things I do now to keep life, and myself, interesting.
2 years have passed in my case and I still miss her every day, but she did the right thing, and all I can do from this is try not to let it happen again.

So OP your partner probably loves you, and probably does find you attractive, but he's in a funk like I was, and it's really only himself that can do anything about it. Try talking to him in clear terms, but it has probably gone too far south, and probably the best thing you can do for both of you is to end it. That's what it took for me to get my act together, and I'm a much better person now than I was in the dying months of my relationship, although I am still full of regret that I ruined everything.

leggo · 27-02-2021 4:04pm

OP to be honest I feel really unqualified to give any advice on assessing your relationship, I don’t think anyone here can, it’s something you guys have to sit down and decide if it’s the end or merely lockdown fatigue that so many are going through.

What I will say is that I’ve personally lived in two separate situations since the start of COVID: at home with the family originally, then with housemates. One of my best days of the entire period - sad as it may be - was when the entire family went out for the entire day and I had the place to myself! There came a point where I had to use the same amenities and space as them but I couldn’t bare talking to people, and since moving in with the housemates I’ve been very proactive in getting my own space, establishing boundaries etc. But still there are days I (hopefully silently) sigh when someone comes into the kitchen while I’m making food and so on.

That doesn’t mean I’m sick of my family or housemates, I’m quite happy with both and most days feel pretty lucky in my situation! But personal space and freedom is at an all-time low right now for most (and the rest are dealing with the flip side in loneliness!). So it’s entirely possible that this is the case here. It could be that he’s not sick of you and is just in a situation where it’s impossible to miss you, look forward to seeing you etc because you’re both always there. Different people who grew up or got used to different environments will see things differently, and this extraordinary (temporary) situation could bring up those differences in ways you could’ve gone your whole life never noticing if not for COVID. Some seek closeness, some seek solitude, some seek both, some sought one at the start and got used to another as time went on.

It’s possible that that’s all it is, or maybe this is just the beginning of the end. But I can’t tell you, nobody here can. I think a bluntly honest, calm and rational conversation would let you know where you stand here.

LegacyUser · 28-02-2021 1:27am

Do you ever initiate sex? Are you affectionate towards him? or is it a case of you don't do any of that because you assume he'll come up to bed at the same time as you if he wants to have sex?

It's definitely normal to feel a bit irritated if you want to have the house to yourself for a bit and then you don't get much time. I would try to not take that personally if he is only having a momentary reaction to it.

How does he normally act when you have your annual appointment? Was he more sensitive and caring in previous years?

Xterminator · 01-03-2021 1:31pm

Hi Op

you are most definitely not being overly sensitive.

Its far from certain he thinks the relationship is over, but it could be. i would suspect he may just be a very lazy partner, who is treating you very poorly too.

The way to distinguish from the two, is to tell him you think the relationship is on the rocks, and suggest suggest one of you moves out.

If he fights for the relationship you can explain whats not working for you and work on it, Assuming you want to ty to repair it too. include couples counselling as part of the fix, if you go down that road.

If he doesn't want to save things, then the next step is to break up. Its hard, its sad, but given the state of the relationship, it may be a very wise decision long term.

padraig737 · 01-03-2021 1:38pm

Does he help out around the house while you work, make you food and clean up etc? Hopefully he does.

Talking about problems is so underrated! So many people who love one another will drift apart and split up due to a reluctance to say what's on their mind and look at things from the other persons point of view.

You both are stuck in the house. Conversations will die out about how your days were because let's face it, there is sweet FA you can take about at the moment. No annoying people on the bus or bad drivers if you drive to work, no workplace scandal etc.

The slap on your knee, you'll be grand. This doesn't mean he doesn't care. Men will say this and mean it in a reassuring way. I'm not saying it's acceptable but he didn't mean any harm I'm sure, just he's not great at emotional support, I certainly wasn't in my younger days. Tell him how you feel about it. Did you want him to accompany you in the car? Buy you flowers or a gift? Just tell him what you'd like.

Intimacy. Would you normally be in the mood at weekdays? Why not put on something nice and call him up to the bedroom. It's not always up to men to initiate sex. The different bed time routine isn't helping here.

Sleeping routine. When your off work for a few days, you must notice you sleep less. I would sleep 8 hours when working, 5 when not. It's understandable that he goes to bed later. Unfortunately he is waking you so this needs to be addressed. Does he get up the same time as you? If not, get him to start making breakfast for you so he has to get up earlier and will need to sleep earlier. There needs to be flexibility here though. It messes up your sleep but he will be tossing and turning because he can't sleep due to not being tired. This is where so household chores would help. The less you do the more he does, the sleeper he will be the fresher you will be.

I think its wrong to suggest the relationship is near the end. It needs a discussion about expectations. He needs to see it from your point of view and visa versa.

Would you consider playing video games. My kids (well adults), male and female play video games. It helps them unwind from stress much more so than watching a TV show. Video games will stimulate the brain compared to TV and may help bringing you closer as it's another shared interest. I never played video games until I was 60 and retired and was given a PS4 for Xmas a year ago. They certainly clear your mind at times but unfortunately there is negativity around them form closed minded individuals. Sure you'll be bad when you first play them, but that just means ye will laugh more.

Relationships hit periods of doubt and low attention to one another. Outside of lockdown, a night out at a nice restaurant or a trip etc will help but not right now. Maybe make a schedule for Saturday night, 3 hours with no phones or TV. Nice dinner, both of ye dress up a bit more than usual, drink some wine and see what happens.

I certainly wouldn't be throwing the towel in just yet. Talk don't argue, you are both adults.

Airyfairy12 · 02-03-2021 11:52pm

Maybe this is completely off but im just wondering if theres any chance that you & your boyfriend were either long distance or didnt spend allot of time with each other before you moved in together? Its just that after 5 years of a relationship and seeing each other everyday you surely would have seen this side to your boyfriend before moving in together? The only thing I can think of is that you wearnt used to being in each others company consistently over a long period of time.
Speaking from experience, I dated a guy long distance for 2 years and we got on amazingly well, when we met up it was for a few days/weeks at a time & it was like planning a holiday where we both put in effort to spend time together and then we had all that time inbetween to miss each other and plan our next visit or trip away. When we moved in together it was a totally different story and it didnt work out in the end.
If this isnt the case and you wearnt long distance and this lack of affection & communication is out of character, maybe it's just the lockdown? Routine, spontaneity and excitement are non existent right now for most people.

Could you plan a date night? Maybe you could order a nice takeaway, get a bottle of wine & a few beers and have a nice evening together? Sounds like you just need to communicate and have some fun together.

Hannibal_Smith · 05-10-2021 4:16pm

Mod note

Latest posts deleted as they offer no constructive advice and thread closed as OP hasn't been back since March.

HS

Relationship issues during lockdown

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