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wife on phone a lot

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    #62
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,764 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OK, thread reopened after 53 over-and-back off-topic tit-for-tat posts deleted.

    Bans and cards have been handed out to people who should by now know that Personal Issues is AN ADVICE FORUM.

    Hypothetical arguments and petty disagreements between posters offer nothing constructive to the OP and just serve to derail threads looking for advice.

    If anyone would like to advise the OP please read

    - his opening post here

    - and follow up post here

    Offer advice based on what he has posted. Any further off topic posts will result in a minimum 1 week ban from the forum. Length of ban will depend on whether or not the poster has previously been banned from the PI/RI Forum.


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    #63
    frozenfrozen
    Registered Users Posts: 7,878 ✭✭✭frozenfrozen


    Is she meeting up after playing pool where there's seriously limited reasons to befriend people other than loneliness vs an mmo with a mobile app like oldschool runescape which you could easily play for 4 hours a day talking to people and becoming friends you might meet up with?

    Replace both games with any other applicable names to make the same point. Hope that's not off topic but if its a proper game then I wouldn't see it as anything to worry about if she wants to meet them?


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    #64
    dubstepper
    Registered Users Posts: 592 ✭✭✭dubstepper


    I would be interested to know the context of some of the advice from people. I am in a similar situation to the poster in so far as I a married and have children. Most of the people I mix with are in the same boat. I have never heard of a married person flying to a different country to meet someone from the internet.

    Are the people whom are talking about this being common talking from a married point of view or a single persons? I'm struggling to see how someone could see it as anything other than very unusual.


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    #65
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    dubstepper wrote: »
    I would be interested to know the context of some of the advice from people. I am in a similar situation to the poster in so far as I a married and have children. Most of the people I mix with are in the same boat. I have never heard of a married person flying to a different country to meet someone from the internet.

    Are the people whom are talking about this being common talking from a married point of view or a single persons? I'm struggling to see how someone could see it as anything other than very unusual.

    Would you find it unusual if your other half went away for a weekend or holiday with their friends?


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    #66
    Diceicle
    Registered Users Posts: 1,799 ✭✭✭Diceicle


    OP -(if for some reason you're still reading this)

    IMO - your wifes behaviour raises some red flags.
    She's lonely (potentially vulnerable). Is isolating herself from you and family by investing her attention to her online community for 3+ hours a day.
    You need to sit down and talk to her about your concerns - both from an attention perspective and from (if she wants to meet people from online) - a cost as well as safety perspective.
    Gently push to come along to meet the couple in Dublin. Don't insist. If she is adament about going alone. Red Flag.
    At the end of the day, you don't know its a couple. You're told its a couple. Could be a single guy she's developed an online affair with. It happens.
    If she does go to meet someone, you need to decide whats next.
    As i said, maybe its all fine, all innocent. Also, maybe not.


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    #67
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,387 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    dubstepper wrote: »
    Are the people whom are talking about this being common talking from a married point of view or a single persons? I'm struggling to see how someone could see it as anything other than very unusual.

    This is crucial. OP, be careful whose advice you buy. Although well meaning, folks may have very different contexts and lives to you.

    Personally, the Dublin trip wouldn’t bother me too much. However, making plans to meet an online friend on another continent is very unorthodox and would make me extremely uncomfortable.


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    #68
    ztoical
    Registered Users Posts: 4,788 ✭✭✭ztoical


    Hamachi wrote: »
    This is crucial. OP, be careful whose advice you buy. Although well meaning, folks may have very different contexts and lives to you.

    Personally, the Dublin trip wouldn’t bother me too much. However, making plans to meet an online friend on another continent is very unorthodox and would make me extremely uncomfortable.

    The wife isn't Irish though which is something that seems to have been forgotten in this meandering thread. To someone whose lived their whole life in Ireland maybe it seems odd to travel to another country to meet people but she's already traveled to another country. Talking to people online may not seem so out of place to her if that is her main way of communicating with friends and family back home so she doesn't see it as 'strange' to make friends via something she may be use to communicating with people on.

    Honestly we are getting no where. I agree everyone has very different contexts. I'm in a long term relationship and travel by myself a lot as does my partner both for work for hobbies. My best friend is married and travels to go to concerts without his wife and meets other fans and shares hotel rooms etc My cousin regularly goes to the UK to meet people who are into escape rooms and puzzle games, husband has no interest and hates flying. Only the last one has kids. Equally I've friends who barely left their county let alone the country. It's pointless to keep talking back and forth with no additional feedback from the OP.

    What ever peoples opinions on the whole making friends online/traveling great distance to meet up, the OP and his wife clearly has communication issues within their marriage. They need to sit down and have an honest conversation. Is the wife happy in Ireland? We've no background other then she's lived her 15 years. Does she go home often? Has she family she misses? Has the locked down prevented her seeing them and that has pushed her into playing this game as a distraction? Did she move here to be with the OP or did they meet here? If she moved to be with him is that a factor in why she struggles to make friends? There is too much we don't know to passing judgment on the rights or wrongs of her or the OPs actions. They need to sit down and sort it out together. My only advice OP is don't be dismissive of her interest in this game, just because its something you don't like doesn't mean you should refer to it in a negative manor as she'll just get defensive and close down. Be open and listen.


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    #69
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    OP the fact is your wife is an adult you can't do anything. And you have to realize that.

    Do you support her hobbies etc? I Mean do you support her ..or do you just support what you like her doing?

    Don't tell her she spends too much time on her hobbies ...tell her she spends too little time with you.

    Is it slightly dangerous for her to meet people from anther country she doesn't know? Yes.

    If i were you I would offer to go with her and offer to show the couple around.

    It seems like you are isolating her ...you are not involved with her hobby ...tune into her more.


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    #70
    Dog day
    Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    ztoical wrote: »
    The wife isn't Irish though which is something that seems to have been forgotten.

    Hi ztoical, it hasn’t been forgotten & has been mentioned and contextualised a few times. Though I absolutely agree that the thread keeps losing its way. Keeping the OP top of mind in terms of practical advice is what’s needed. Clear & kind communication with what appears to be his lonely wife is what is sorely needed at this point & given the OP hasn’t returned (to my knowledge!) I’m really hopeful that this may have already happened.


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    #71
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    "Some points already established -

    "Online" friends are "real life" friends, and developing friendships with people online through shared interests, music, games, discussion boards, has been going on for a long time now. If people with shared interests who connect online eventually want to meet up in person its not weird. Its 2021 and the internet has been helping people make friends, even form relationships, for two decades now.

    So Here's my advice to you.

    Don't assume that your wife wanting to meet up with people she met online must be about sex, like some here seem to think! (rolls eyes). Not everything is about sex, or cheating.
    Stop treating your wife like a child.
    Don't ever make her "ask for permission" to invite friends to her own home, or to go on a night out with them. You're her husband, not her father. (Not talking about US trip here as obviously cost would have to be discussed).
    Don't ever shame her again like you did by calling her "sad" or her behavior "bizarre"
    Don't ever tell her that she embarrasses you. If you really believe that, that's your problem. Not hers. Don't put that on her.

    If you want to be included on the invite, then don't be a dick about it! Don't put her in the position where she excludes you because she thinks you might embarrass her in front of her friends.

    Don't play tit for tat games like "if you're going out, I'm going out" or try to use control tactics like being awkward over looking after your own children to try and shut her down.

    If this really is "concern" rather than "control", then try being a bit more open minded and supportive and keep your reservations on how she made friends with these people to yourself, and she might be more inclined to include you when she meets them.

    And finally, don't expect her to conduct her friendships on your terms.

    You don't have to like her friends, and you certainly don't have the right to pick them for her.


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    #72
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    bubblypop wrote: »
    Would you find it unusual if your other half went away for a weekend or holiday with their friends?

    She's never met them.

    Most of my friends are people I first met online and we have had the usual weekends away but always after we had met and established a relationship IRL.

    I'd at the very least be bringing someone with me when meeting a couple for the first time just to even out things a bit.

    I'm sure this couple are fine and the OP is just being over cautious but there is a world of difference between a friend you have met and spent time with in person vs one you have only ever spoken to on via a computer or phone.

    I can understand his concern.


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