Friend thinks I'm loaded

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2021 3:24pm

Why are you still friends with these people? Why are you in regular enough contact with them that they feel entitled to be asking your wife to provide another blanket for their dog's bed? I'm sure you have had friends and other people in your life who you've drifted away from and lost/stopped contact with over time. I think it's time to add another 2 people to that list.

mr.anonymous · 02-06-2021 5:48pm

Some of that stuff would be a great hit with the Stingy thread in AH.

What I notice is that you spend your hard earned money on things to enjoy (food, coffee etc). The friend seems to spend on ostentatious things like flash holidays and cars. He might appear jealous of the money but I'd say that underneath there's jealousy about the meaning and purpose your purchases give you.

As others are suggesting, give as good as you get.

seenitall · 02-06-2021 6:17pm

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Just as well I'm English, huh? What I should have said was the fact they were pointing out what they gave each other for Christmas. But I didn't think that was necessary as most people seemed to understand what I meant.

Except for you.

I’d say Ads probably meant your one with the designer bag sounds very Irish, not you.

Lots of excellent advice on this thread, I’ll keep it in mind myself if I ever get “friends” like the OP’s. Good luck, OP!

LegacyUser · 03-06-2021 12:06pm

It's okay to move on from a friendship.

The fact that it's a long term friendship doesn't change that. Long term friends do get a bit more leeway, and we are more likely to look past the odd thing that would make us step away from a new or potential friendship.

However, both parties still have to bring something to the table. The 'cash in the bank' from years ago in a friendship should not be used to give one party free rein. And if one person is repeatedly being snide like in this instance, then it might be best to bring that pattern to a close.

Stepping back and withdrawing is one option. Personally, I would only do so after tackling the issue head on first. Next time a comment is made I would not let it go, let him know you're getting real fed up of his comments on that topic, tell him if he has something to say that he should just say it, and finish by letting him know he needs to drop it.

The guy could just be so self absorbed that it is all just stemming from a woe is me mentality and he mightn't even realise how irritating this is for you. Sometimes you need to be very direct with people like that. Next time, don't let him off the hook. You'll learn what kind of a friend he is (good, bad or in between) by how he responds.

Mad_maxx · 03-06-2021 2:09pm

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Time to put some distance between yourselves. You said yourself you don't get anything out of it anymore. If you don't want to confront them about it, I think you are doing well by ignoring them and redirecting them. Personally, I'd be telling them to mind their own business.

The attitude your friend has is one I've encountered among people who can't handle their money and don't understand how others do. Their only explanation is that you must be loaded and it gives them a focus point for their anger. That way they don't have to face up to the fact that they are wasting their money.

You shouldn't be made to feel bad about it, it doesn't come across as if you're rubbing it in people's faces and you have every right to enjoy what you've earned.

perfectly put

my mother law was up visiting this week and showing off her ninety euro boots , she bought them recently and buys at least four pairs of footwear at that kind of money per year

same woman always playing the poormouth and how she cant afford A,B and C

uttering noise like " its ok for the rich " etc

those kind of people lack personal responsibility

Aglomerado · 04-06-2021 9:36am

I had a friend like that, but the digs were about jobs, specifically my entry level management job at the time.

This friend never held a job down for longer than a year at a time. Her wealthy farmer dad bought her a four bedroom house, and made her rent out rooms. When we would get together she would always have some remark about my job, "Big responsibility" "Very Important" while she was on the dole at the time.

I had no house of my own back then but I saw how she treated our other friends at their houses. If asked to stay for dinner she would set one place at the table, for herself, instead of helping to set the table for everyone.

Another time we both stayed over at a friend's (A) house and the following morning A and her husband and kids were getting ready to visit family a good distance away. I got up, had a coffee with them and said I would get out of their way as they had a lot of packing and organising to do. As I was leaving, the other girl came downstairs in a long dressing gown, hair in a towel, made herself a cup of tea, grabbed a magazine off the rack and took herself back up to bed! A's husband almost had a stroke!

Having seen this, I started to cut her loose as I was getting ready to buy my own place and I didn't want to be treated like this. She doesn't drive/ own a car and my place is not easy to get to by bus so I wasn't going to be ferrying her around. Friend A is also no longer in contact with her.

The last time I saw her was 2010 and the atmosphere was decidedly icy!

Anyway, OP, if a friend is making you feel like this, cut them loose. Cultivate friendships that make you feel good and supported whatever your status in life.

Floricwil · 04-06-2021 9:52am

Purple Mountain wrote: »

..starting with.. if he asks again about the blanket, tell him your wife needs to borrow the first one back to refresh herself on how she stitched the corners.

I like this idea!!!

grames_bond · 04-06-2021 12:32pm

I had a friend comment on what I spent my money on a while back. Was an (admittedly) expensive coffee grinder. I love coffee so the purchase made sense to me, but wouldn't to others - I have no issue with this nor do I feel bad for the money I spent.

My friend however kept commenting on it, laughing at the cost of spending that much "only on a grinder", laughing if I was deciding between 2 other things based on price ("ah yeah - you nit pick here but a grinder is fine") etc etc.

Came to a head and I told him in no uncertain terms to stop talking about money or referencing what I spend my own hard earned money on, it's none of his business in the slightest. I do what I want to do for me and my wife and that's it - not to appease anyone else.

He hasn't mentioned it since, not even in passing. I think that may be needed from your part. Straight out say it to him - he has an issue or comes back with any sort of snarky remark - drop him like a hot snot, and tell him as much. You said you feel bad about potentially losing a childhood friend, if that's true then give him this one final chance/warning.

Zebrag · 05-06-2021 8:44am

Hi OP

I remember having a situation like this with a friend before and I cut ties with them not too long after. It was the constant belittling and bemoaning of the fact that I save for what I want and spend on what I need, while they spent what they didn't have and didn't appreciate anything.

That's their choice and I couldn't change that but what used to infuriate me was when said friend would ask for a loan of X amount for rent or bills (sometimes food) and I soon found they bought a new car (albeit on finance but I used to question how they could afford the repayment if they couldn't afford to pay rent) Anyways this went on for a few years and a mention of myself and partner paying off our loans and progressing to saving for a deposit on a house made said friend lose the rag on me. Myself and partner are not high earners but we work hard and earn as much as we can to survive, live and appreciate what we have for the time being until we can afford a house. We spent nearly 3 years working to pay off loans before we decided to save for a deposit.

Said friend just didn't like the fact that we paid off our loans and couldn't understand why we choosed to use the loan repayments as a way to save extra rather than getting a new car (this among the fact that said friend doesn't understand why my parents won't let me buy their house baring in mind my parents are in their 50s and work full time and live the live of Reily so me buying their home and not being able to live in the house wasn't a concept friend understood) This resulted in my friend telling me my own family were horrible and wanted me to be homeless (?) (it was a decision I made myself to live outside of my parents home with my partner in our own place, I couldn't understand why I needed to validate or justify this but anyways) My friend then had a baby and soon they realised what reality was and what money actually ment and still didn't grasp the concept of buy what you need rather than want and asking people for loans usually means paying them back.

Safe to say I never lend friend any money throughout the years and somehow I'm the horrible one. Another friend lend money instead and years later are still waiting but hey, they are best buddies (it's cringy to see as an outsider it's clear as day that one argument will lead into a money argument)

My point being, money and people's concepts especially in a friendship don't often match up. While I made the decision to be debt free, ex friend is up to their eyeballs and walk around with the latest gadgets and gear that is clear as day they can't afford. I don't base my friendships on competition but if a friend is going to constantly bring money in conversation and try and change my ways and views on how I should live... Then by all means I walk away.

The goes for you OP. Your friend doesn't value your friendship in the slightest. It seems to me that this friend is liking you as their entertainment, to laugh at you behind your back and to your face for reasons that I can only assume is jealousy. It may sound childish but the point being, this friend just doesn't care about you or your wifes feelings, just that they could get what they want for free and abuse the kindness. It's as simple as that. A pushover maybe and when you stand up for yourself, said friend doesn't like this and thinks you're being defensive when reality is, they know full well their actions is awful and is being called out and they don't like it.

Personally I think you should walk away. For your own sanity. You don't need someone who's going to make you question and reason with anything. It's their lives and they can do as they please but when they start chiming in with comments that are unnecessary, it's clear as day they have an issue and are voicing the wrong feelings. Rather than being in awe or even being positive, they would rather belittle and laugh. Their choice.

You choice is to walk away, stress free friendship and no one to justify and validate too

Good luck OP

Ash.J.Williams · 05-06-2021 8:52am

I got “no recession here” once when I served a mate a t-bone , cnt.

leggo · 05-06-2021 8:59am

Yeah OP just to back up what the consensus is, why have you not pushed back on this even jokingly? Judging on the comfort level he has speaking to you and even the way your friend reacted, giving a taste for the level of acceptable ‘banter’ in your group, it should be handy enough and doesn’t need to be a confrontation unless you’re the punching bag of the group who doesn’t speak up for himself (in which case you’ve got a different problem).

Like I get how these things can be not as simple as ‘just end the friendship’ in an era where a lot of the day-to-day of friendships are conducted via WhatsApp groups and the likes. But if someone has the neck to be like “Get your wife to make me a blanket”, text them back asking if they just heard what they said to you and laugh at them.

If someone is being rude or unreasonable to you, it’s okay to tell them they’re being rude or unreasonable. Call out the individual behaviour first time and don’t make any grand comments about them.

If they don’t respond and start to come off as being obsessed about this issue, I’d react by saying “Why are you so obsessed with how much money I earn you actual weirdo? :laugh:” Give them a little dig of painful truth disguised as banter because they didn’t learn the first time when you were being diplomatic.

If they still don’t stop, next step is speaking to them in commanding language, so “Stop bringing up my finances, it’s rude and strange behaviour.”

None of this is unreasonable and, if you carry yourself this way, people will tend to learn to watch what they say around you and approach you with a measure of respect, which is what he doesn’t have right now by feeling like he can make these comments unchallenged. And the reason he feels this way is because that’s his experience.

fits · 05-06-2021 9:03am

Mad_maxx wrote: »

perfectly put

my mother law was up visiting this week and showing off her ninety euro boots , she bought them recently and buys at least four pairs of footwear at that kind of money per year

same woman always playing the poormouth and how she cant afford A,B and C

uttering noise like " its ok for the rich " etc

those kind of people lack personal responsibility

Eh that’s not really a lot for shoes. ! 4 pairs a year isn’t excessive either.

Ash.J.Williams · 05-06-2021 9:05am

Mad_maxx wrote: »

perfectly put

my mother law was up visiting this week and showing off her ninety euro boots , she bought them recently and buys at least four pairs of footwear at that kind of money per year

same woman always playing the poormouth and how she cant afford A,B and C

uttering noise like " its ok for the rich " etc

those kind of people lack personal responsibility

Docs are 120 euro at least

vikings2012 · 05-06-2021 3:20pm

OP - I imagine you would like to salvage the relationship and not cause any strife with your wider friend group.

What’s jumping out to me is the lack of communication between you and your friend. Can you just mention to him that this grinds your gears when he makes comments about your finances/wealth/purchases?

Like you, my childhood friend used to throw a few comments about my holidays/education/jobs. I was driving with him and just said to him;

‘I don’t appreciate your comments about xyz. Those are my choices and I worked hard for everything. I have never said anything about your lifestyle or how you spend (do not spend ) your cash’. He apologised and we laughed it off.

To this he has never mentioned anything about my spending/jobs and we get on great.

Really depends on the person though.

Good luck

Purple Mountain · 05-06-2021 3:48pm

vikings2012 wrote: »

OP - I imagine you would like to salvage the relationship and not cause any strife with your wider friend group.

What’s jumping out to me is the lack of communication between you and your friend. Can you just mention to him that this grinds your gears when he makes comments about your finances/wealth/purchases?

Like you, my childhood friend used to throw a few comments about my holidays/education/jobs. I was driving with him and just said to him;

‘I don’t appreciate your comments about xyz. Those are my choices and I worked hard for everything. I have never said anything about your lifestyle or how you spend (do not spend ) your cash’. He apologised and we laughed it off.

To this he has never mentioned anything about my spending/jobs and we get on great.

Really depends on the person though.

Good luck

This is where you're wrong poster.. OP, he is not your friend.

cloudatlas · 05-06-2021 4:12pm

In fairness the dog could have easily got a hold of the blanket and ripped it leading to it being given to him.

Having said that I don't think there is any point in confronting them about anything or starting a tit for tat back and forth over who has the most material wealth!

They sound exhausting. If there is no other value to be found in the relationship then I would phase it out. It doesn't sound like it's even worth it to bring up the dog basket especially if you've made a decision that the friendship is on the rocks.

I have experienced this snobbery before, someone in work said that a colleague was a snob due to where their house was, I pointed out she lived just up the road, 'oh but she lives in the nice houses'. Ye can't make it up sometimes. People have the wrong values in life.

December2012 · 05-06-2021 6:57pm

I think a very simple "thats rude" would shut him up. If he persists then stand up for yourself, stand up for your wife and tell them that talking about your finances is very crass and rude and you dont judge his lifestyle choices, so he shouldnt judge yours.

Panthro · 05-06-2021 7:29pm

December2012 wrote: »

I think a very simple "thats rude" would shut him up. If he persists then stand up for yourself, stand up for your wife and tell them that talking about your finances is very crass and rude and you dont judge his lifestyle choices, so he shouldnt judge yours.

Or even a very direct "what the fooks my finances got to do with you? From now on you look after your lot and I'll look after mine"
He won't be long realising there's a line he's crossed and you're not afraid to stand up for yourself.
Personally I don't know why you're even bothering with him and his missus tbh. I'd even hazard a guess if you mentioned it to one of yer other mates discreetly the situation you'll probably find they don't like that side of said friend either.
One of them jumped to your defence for a reason.
Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2021 9:32am

Thanks for all the replies. Too many to get back to all of them individually.

To those asking why I'm still friends with him, I guess it's because we are friends for so long and it seems sad to end it over something stupid like this.

I also have slagged him back the odd time when he says something about my money and say well look sure i'm not going on holidays as much as you.

In future I'll be more direct with him and say that I really don't appreciate it and see what happens from there. If he continues it even after I've said that then there's no salvaging this friendship.

December2012 · 08-06-2021 11:14am

MoMoneyMoProblems wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Too many to get back to all of them individually.

To those asking why I'm still friends with him, I guess it's because we are friends for so long and it seems sad to end it over something stupid like this.

I also have slagged him back the odd time when he says something about my money and say well look sure i'm not going on holidays as much as you.

In future I'll be more direct with him and say that I really don't appreciate it and see what happens from there. If he continues it even after I've said that then there's no salvaging this friendship.

If you're saying it back then maybe he thinks it's lads banter.

It seems a wierd thing to end a friendship over if that's the only thing.

Why does it bother you? If you're happy with your spending and you value your wife's work like the knitting etc then just do as you've beeb doing. Stand up for yourself a bit more if you need to.

bitofabind · 08-06-2021 3:25pm

MoMoneyMoProblems wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Too many to get back to all of them individually.

To those asking why I'm still friends with him, I guess it's because we are friends for so long and it seems sad to end it over something stupid like this.

I also have slagged him back the odd time when he says something about my money and say well look sure i'm not going on holidays as much as you.

In future I'll be more direct with him and say that I really don't appreciate it and see what happens from there. If he continues it even after I've said that then there's no salvaging this friendship.

Google "sunk cost fallacy", it applies to friendships as well as business decisions, relationships, etc. It's when people continue to invest in something solely because they've invested so much time already, despite it yielding little to no reward, and it's a big driver behind the bad decisions we can make it life.

Don't invest any more time in a dead-end friendship with a childhood 'friend' who continually crosses boundaries because he has a big fat chip on his shoulder about money. Doesn't matter if ye know each other years - people outgrow each other all the time. I'd have feck all in common with some of the folks that I was joint at the hip to 20 odd years ago. People change and evolve, that's life. What do you get from this friendship beyond judgement, resentment, jealousy and violation of your privacy? Anything at all?

Time to seriously evaluate whether or not this is a person you need to cut out of your life. In the meantime, throw some questions in his face when the line of probing starts. "Why are you asking me that?" "Do you think that's appropriate to ask me?" "Is that any of your business?"

HildaOgdenx · 08-06-2021 6:14pm

Agree with what bitofabind said. I also would be inclined to say 'ah change that tired ould record would you' in a bored way, next time he trots out the same old baloney.

Sometimes people like that are just needling for a reaction, so they can then go into what I call 'hurt bunny' mode and try to make it look like you're the one in the wrong, if you snap.

As has been said, friendships change and move, and sometimes die. I realised one day for example, that someone I thought was a friend, was really only watching all the time to put me down. Or if I said something implying that I was putting myself down, she was happy.

We are long out of touch now. And I am sure we miss one another equally, ie not in the slightest.

08-06-2021 6:33pm

I certainly wouldn't consider them friends, jealous users imo. I would have dropped them long ago, please don't get a baby present for them, cheek of them asking for a blanket and 'forgetting ' to get presents for your children. Ease away from them gently if you find it easier, don't invite them to your house to benefit from your 'expensive ' purchases and make an excuse if they invite you to their house . They're definitely jealous for some reason but seem to have no problem benefiting from what you've purchased, they bring nothing but annoyance imo, let them off to annoy someone else.

bitofabind · 08-06-2021 6:36pm

Yup. Have ditched a few of those bad eggs over the years, the ones that almost derived satisfaction or an ego boost from doing me dirty in some way, be it talking me down, judging me, making jokes at my expense, comparing my successes to theirs etc. Someone that puts you down all the time is not a friend, no matter how far ye go back in time OP. Look for the people that raise you up and are happy for your successes, those are the friends you need.

Faith · 09-06-2021 8:57am

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't get back to sleep until I had located and cuddled the crocheted blanket someone made for me when I was a baby. My husband had pulled it on to his side during the night.

I'm 34.

Gifts like that should be considered bloody priceless, and I'd be beyond raging if I'd be in your position. I've been considering learning to crochet just so I can give blankets to friends' kids because mine means so much to me.

I'd definitely be ditching those "friends".

Ms. Newbie18 · 09-06-2021 11:37am

Hi OP,

Does the wife mark similar remarks to yours? Your friend was spot on with his Mr. Holiday comments. Maybe he is getting on their nerves with his BS too. So if you have to pull him up again you may have back up. Though if the same thing is going on within the group of wives you will have more problems.

lisasimpson · 11-06-2021 6:19am

Years ago i worked with a woman money obbessed. Was always on the poor mouth mortage, childcare etc. Now a family member minded her kids compared to other working mums in the office with no such help. The type if they won the lotto would have it spent in no lenght. Drove everyone mad.
Anyway she go this fixation i was loaded and more than one occassion asked me what salary was I on to afford 2 long haul holidays in 12 months and paying rent. Would have been same wage as her.Eventually i turned to her 1 day when she bought it up and said i dont smoke, i dont need to drink every night out ive no kids im a bit young yet to staying at praying for a peaceful death at 30. Work colleagues bust out laughing and she never bought it up again. Some people just have no concept of money or basic financial skills. D
Mike you friend a few digs back would do no harm. Yourself and wife work hard enough. Whats the point if you not going to spend some money on rewarding/enjoying yourself

Friend thinks I'm loaded

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