Does anyone find that nights out trigger depression

sheepeasy · 01-09-2019 7:52pm #1

I used to love going out, all the way through college and for the most of the last 5 years or so.

But over the last couple of years I’ve lost a lot of confidence, my self-esteem has dropped a lot. I’ve become very self-conscious and introverted.

I find it harder and harder to click with new friends and I’ve become awkward and extremely self-conscious when talking to women whether during the day or on nights out. My minimal-human-contact office job doesn’t help (even though I love the job)

Anyway, I'm really starting to dread nights out. All my friends are now in relationships, and although this doesn’t stop them from going out, they are happy with their situation and sometimes their attention has turns to hooking me up with someone and I crumble with even the thought of being set up with someone and expected not to fail. They are bewildered and think I'm soft or useless when I run away.

I always feel inferior to everyone in a pub/club and I just can’t enjoy myself the way I used. I’ve cut down on drinking as much but it’s not really a solution.

As soon as I'm out, I just want to get home and get away from all these confident, good looking, fit, outgoing people and as soon as I'm home in bed, I start cursing myself and all my flaws.

I spend the night questioning myself. Outfit, dance moves, conversational skills etc. Comparing myself to pretty much everyone else and seeing all these couple and single people that I know I'll never have a chance with.

My friends are naturally eventually going to want to stop going out with me. I can’t blame them because I feel like I'm no craic anymore.

I feel that if I was I was in a relationship, my issues would be fixed and I’d be able to enjoy nights out again. But that feels impossible and a bit like a destructive circle at the moment.

antix80 · 01-09-2019 8:24pm

Well there's a few things going on. I think you just have too high of standards for yourself, and high expectations of what you want from a night out.

You have dance moves and an outfit.. Most guys have a clean shirt and no idea how to dance.

Not to mention that many girls who go out with their mates aren't really looking to pull on a night out until they're at least 31. They're just out for a night with their mates but have too many hangups to go any further.

Also.. Not sure about your alcohol intake but there can be a lot of negative thinking the next day that can chip away at your mindset

utyh2ikcq9z76b · 01-09-2019 8:30pm

As soon as I'm out, I just want to get home and get away from all these confident, good looking, fit, outgoing people

Where are you drinking? Back stage at a modelling show? Wherever it is, it's not reality that's for sure

Wanderer2010 · 01-09-2019 8:52pm

OP, I think your confidence has taken a nose dive in recent years and I think there might be more going on in the background than just your mates being in relationships that has triggered such a negative view of yourself and an anxious mindset in social situations. You seem to be slipping into a depression and this is affecting everything you see on a night out.

As others have said, your thoughts are not based on any reality. You say other people are fit and confident and good looking. Is it possible your self esteem is so low that its filtering out the heavier people in the pub or the lads/girls who are on their own? Plus please know that being in a relationship does not mean you are happy, no more than being single means you are sad.

I think it would be wise to look up a decent CBT therapist in your area, and outline to them events in your recent life which has caused you to feel so bad about yourself and social situations. It may be one thing which could be improved upon with different thinking styles and you can work from there. Good luck OP.

ILoveYourVibes · 01-09-2019 10:59pm

Just stop thinking so much and have more fun.

OP some people have a constant negative dialogue going on in their minds.

Constant negative thoughts. I am too tall too short those people don't like me etc etc .

Stopping these thoughts takes time. But it is stopping that negative pattern of thinking. That will help you.

Do try to stop having these thoughts. Do try to stop over analyzing everything.

Start building up a better pattern.

Do stop thinking so much and have more fun.

YOU control your thoughts don't let your thoughts control you.

Dtp1979 · 01-09-2019 11:44pm

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Zen65 · 02-09-2019 12:46pm

sheepeasy wrote: »

As soon as I'm out, I just want to get home and get away from all these confident, good looking, fit, outgoing people and as soon as I'm home in bed, I start cursing myself and all my flaws.

It sounds as though you've become your own worst critic. Ironically, because you don't hear the critics in everyone else's heads you see them as being confident, and you see that confidence as enabling them to behave in a confident manner. You see them as fit, good-looking and outgoing as if they had been given those attributes as a head-start to having confidence.

From my experience, it is the reverse which is true; acting with confidence allows one to build up confidence, and not the other way around. Acting with confidence can make people seem fitter and better-looking. Acting with confidence can make people seem interesting.

So how do you get to act with confidence? In truth once you can be confident at one thing you can 'rent' that confidence to allow yourself try something else, and become confident at that. Also, you do not need to be particularly good at something to be confident at it, you simply need to happy with your ability level.

You've said you love your job, so that's a great start. Maybe you should find some related activity to get involved in, in order to spread the size of your confidence? Maybe take up a totally different activity in order to more quickly widen your base of interest? Maybe take up a sporting activity which allows you to improve at your own pace? (Not a team sport, I'd suggest, but something like running, yoga, martial arts, or cycling). Once you take on these activities, and acquire a level of satisfaction in your abilities, you can borrow that confidence to bring into the rest of your life.

The critic in your head has found a battle ground that is not in your favour: nights out drinking with the lads. If you insist on meeting him there he will have the upper hand, so find other areas where he is weaker, and train your confidence there. You might find this lecture by Simon Sinek to be helpful (I often quote from it when I talk to younger members of my staff).

Be at peace,

zoobizoo · 02-09-2019 1:14pm

Maybe you've outgrown this type of night out or maybe they just don't suit you.

Most people would react the same when being set up with someone...…

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 02-09-2019 3:36pm

zoobizoo wrote: »

Maybe you've outgrown this type of night out or maybe they just don't suit you.

Most people would react the same when being set up with someone...…

This is could be it, OP maybe you are introverted and just prefer being at home or in small company. Nothing wrong with that at all and our interests can change over time.

If you've heard of FOMO (fear of missing out) but there's also JOMO (the Joy of Missing Out).

Alcohol is a serious depressant for some people as well, but I know you have already mentioned cutting back on that too.

Just be yourself, do what you enjoy doing and not what you think you should be doing.

Daisy78 · 02-09-2019 10:44pm

Being set up by friends or meeting someone on a night isn’t for everyone. It can take the enjoyment out of what should be a social situation. There are other ways of meeting someone, through clubs, online dating, etc I think you need to tell your friends to dial it back a bit, tell them that you are out with them to enjoy their company not necessarily to pull a woman. Once you take expectation out of it nights out become more about meeting people, chatting, etc. I would be fairly similar to you op, in that Im introverted and always fairly intimidated by people I’d meet on nights out. Worried that I didn’t look alright, that I came across as boring or stuck up with nothing of any interest to say. But over the years I’ve changed my attitude. For the most part people are nice (although there will always be the inevitable asshole) and are happy to get talking to someone new whatever their appearance.

cloudatlas · 08-09-2019 2:39pm

I think you need a change of scene, I used to go out to nightclubs, meet nobody be tired and hung over and depressed for the next two days, now I've joined a running club, meetup groups and learning a language, I'm much more comfortable meeting people in those environments than I ever was on nights out because I have time to get to know others. Also please look into CBT counselling you have self worth you are worth while and determine to find it.

sheepeasy · 11-09-2019 9:59pm

After some deep thinking and reading your comments, I do think this is a bigger issue and not confined to ‘being in a nightclub’

It’s not really just night clubs, I think I feel this way all the time only the feelings really peak when on a night out and everyone is at their best.

I would always have FOMO when the group heads out without me. It’s only when I’m out that the negative thoughts hit.

Work party’s / extended family get-together / weddings for example are never in nightclubs but after a few hours drinking with people that are not my close friends, I end to stop enjoying myself where as everyone else is getting more into it. And then people wonder why I went home just when the evening is kicking off.

Even sitting in the work canteen, I wonder to myself why I can’t be as confident as person X or as good looking as person Y and my biggest concern/issue is that I’m not on speaking terms with any girls! I just don’t have time to dwell on it I suppose because it’s during the day.

As slow and as awkward as I am at making new friends with lads, I could triple it when it comes to girls. This plays on my mind a lot more than it would seem from this post.

I go on loads of dates from dating apps (none of which have worked out by the way) which can make the feeling worse I suppose.

I love travelling but a lot of the lads go with their girlfriends these days. So the only people left to go with are the lads who want to spend the whole week partying as much as possible or to go off on a holiday on my own. I’ve done both lately and enjoyed neither.

Being introverted means its takes a long time for me to click with new people and a trip abroad becomes very lonely and draining after a day or two.

So yeah. A lot to work on I suppose

Rubberchikken · 12-09-2019 3:49am

i dont think that thinking its a lot to work.on is
helpful.

until you feel more positive about yourself nothing.will change.

the x or y sitting opposite you.in the canteen could be ridfles. with insecurity. maybe they've posted here questioning things too.

other peoples lives can appear perfect when we're convinced our is not

lastusername · 12-09-2019 4:27pm

sheepeasy wrote: »

I used to love going out, all the way through college and for the most of the last 5 years or so.

But over the last couple of years I’ve lost a lot of confidence, my self-esteem has dropped a lot. I’ve become very self-conscious and introverted.

I find it harder and harder to click with new friends and I’ve become awkward and extremely self-conscious when talking to women whether during the day or on nights out. My minimal-human-contact office job doesn’t help (even though I love the job)

Anyway, I'm really starting to dread nights out. All my friends are now in relationships, and although this doesn’t stop them from going out, they are happy with their situation and sometimes their attention has turns to hooking me up with someone and I crumble with even the thought of being set up with someone and expected not to fail. They are bewildered and think I'm soft or useless when I run away.

I always feel inferior to everyone in a pub/club and I just can’t enjoy myself the way I used. I’ve cut down on drinking as much but it’s not really a solution.

As soon as I'm out, I just want to get home and get away from all these confident, good looking, fit, outgoing people and as soon as I'm home in bed, I start cursing myself and all my flaws.

I spend the night questioning myself. Outfit, dance moves, conversational skills etc. Comparing myself to pretty much everyone else and seeing all these couple and single people that I know I'll never have a chance with.

My friends are naturally eventually going to want to stop going out with me. I can’t blame them because I feel like I'm no craic anymore.

I feel that if I was I was in a relationship, my issues would be fixed and I’d be able to enjoy nights out again. But that feels impossible and a bit like a destructive circle at the moment.

Hi OP,

You don't actually need to 'work on yourself'. The following will be different to what you usually hear, but it points to how we actually work as humans and our human psychology, so maybe read with an open mind

You might be surprised to see just how much of what you said is a cobweb of thoughts and feelings you've gotten tangled up in, and none of these are actually 'you' at all. I've highlighted most of these, and you'll see they make up your entire post, basically

They are just thoughts and feelings, and thoughts lead to feelings. That's just how it works - you will always feel your thinking!

They actually have no meaning. Another poster has even mentioned that your thinking about other people being so confident, outgoing and popular may not (and does not, really) conform to how things are.

It looks like all of this is very real, but what's happening is you've gotten tangled up in those cobwebs, and when you go on nights out it gets revved up even more (through no fault of your own).

But what will make the difference for you is seeing that these are all just thoughts, cobwebs of thoughts that you don't need to buy into or invest in. Your mind actually works like a projector, not a camera. What that means is whatever you think, you'll feel, even when this is not how things actually are. You perceive the world through your own thinking, and if that's a whirlwind of personal thinking that is analysing, assessing, comparing, wondering, worrying...you will feel the way you feel.

Just know that you are fine as you are, and that all of this thinking is what is generating these feelings. You don't need to stop or control them, just see that this is what's happening, and when you see this they will fall away naturally themselves, as that's just how we work.

Does anyone find that nights out trigger depression

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