incredibly sensitive boy

seamus wrote: »

This is all a manifestation of anxiety. He needs to be in control of what's happening in his world, and when he's not he feels lost and scared.

He doesn't understand this of course, and that anxiety reveals itself as tantrums, anger, stubbornness and sometimes even obsessive behaviours.

It's quite common and kids tend to grow out of it. "Tough love" is not appropriate here, it will likely only make it worse. Imagine in work you were stressing about the work that you were doing, whether you were doing it right, and your boss came up and showed you some "tough love" as a motivational tool. It would make you worse, and you'd think your boss was an idiot.

The way through this is to educate yourselves on how to help him deal with his anxiety. Rule number 1 is keeping your head. If you get annoyed with him, he will get more anxious and you spiral.

Give him choices in his daily life; simple, appropriate choices. Do you want the blue plate or the green plate? Do you want your runners or your wellies?
Let him make wrong choices. Let him choose the runners even though he's going to get soaked and have cold feet. The important thing is that he made the choice.
Be clear about what is and isn't a choice; avoid overloading him with choices. He eats what's put on the table or het gets nothing at all. But he can choose to help you make it or he can choose to play with his toys.
Reward good choices, do not punish bad choices; bad choices should have consequences, not punishments. So in the example above, if he wears his runners and gets them soaked and his feet wet, he has suffered the consequences. Don't add a punishment on top of it. Punishments just increase the anxiety; make the child afraid to make any choices.

It would be worth talking to someone. A child psychologist might be overkill, but a suitably qualified parenting coach can help. Look for books and other resources specifically in the areas of anxiety.

seamus wrote: »

Some of this is really normal, you wouldn't even bat an eye if it wasn't for the other stuff. My eldest likewise used to say thing like, "I got 3 My Little Ponys for my birthday, but I didn't get all of them", after we'd killed ourselves making sure she had plenty.

She also wasn't delighted when her baby sister came along, but she did come around pretty quickly. It's only now they're a bit older and her baby sister can invade her space that they're starting to properly fight.

She's 8 now and we've really only gotten to grips with this anxiety bit in the last year. She always had many of the behaviours you talk about with your son, but we were able to sidestep/tolerate it. It was only in the last year for various reasons that it became unbearable, a constant fight, and we had to do something for everyone's sanity.

I do think the eldest has the hardest time adjusting, especially if they've had their parents' undivided attention until their sibling came along.

So as the father of an 8-year-old with some anxiety issues, I strongly recommend you deal with it now and don't leave it alone for 4 years!

I probably can't tell you what you should do, but I can definitely tell you what you shouldn't do!

shesty wrote: »

Your child has a smattering of qualities that each of mine have OP.


As someone else said, it sounds like there are indications of fairly high anxiety or a need to control his environment there. Whether it is coming since the arrival of the baby sister, or just a need in himself to have a very tight control of things (and possibly the arrival of his sister pushed the boundaries of that need more than it would with other children, and it manifested in him disliking the sister), who knows.


My only thoughts would be the need for the control in games - there is an element of "just being 4" there ,but equally it sounds more intense than many 4 year olds and probably does need to be addressed. I would talk to the preschool on this, as they are well placed to help him deal with not always winning, not always being in charge, and not always being the centre of every game. But be aware, this is a slow process - I only saw the change in this behaviour in my eldest as she pushed towards 5 and got into Junior Infants, and even still, it pops up (her personality mainly) but he needs to learn how to cope if it isn't going his way. Time will teach that, but the preschool could really assist. The other thing that could help would be you and your wife playing games with him - card games, simple board games - where he doesn't always win, and asking him how he feels when he loses. Or role playing it with teddies or something.


The playground thing. The best thing I can say to you here is keep your mouth shut and stay well away. Don't get frustrated, don't offer to help, don't push him into it, just stand mute. At most I would say to him well it's ok if you don't want to play, you can stand with me until you feel ready. And if you want help, you can ask me calmly. And if he never feels ready, pass no comment. None. He may be scared but it could also be partly a form of attention seeking (and getting). (A tactic I know well from my eldest) I don't know how you were with him as a child, but if he was constantly told to be careful and that he needed help to do anything in a playground, then he now needs to be able to learn to risk assess basically - to be let try things out by himself and see what is actually dangerous and what isn't. And you know, as he gets bigger, he will one day surprise you by just going down that slide himself with no fuss and will feel great about it - but I would think that, from you, less is more on that one.


I have a 2.5 year old boy and a 4 year old girl (and an anxious 6 year old). My younger 2 fight like absolute tigers the last few months. Viciously. They play ok together but the rows are inevitable and angry. I have a vague memory of it from my older 2 and it definitely softened as they got a bit bigger and the younger was able to better understand the more complicated rules of the games with the older (and the younger was also able to hold their ground far better). I mean it's not acceptable and you tell them that, but it is pretty normal.


Like the last poster, my eldest is an anxious child - totally hyperactive, but very keen to please. She absolutely has a few sensory issues, which I have known from very young. She is a lot MORE than other kids, and takes a lot more input from us. But equally, if we let her, she would demand all of our attention all of the time. The anxiety has been hidden, but was always underlying and since she turned 6, it is popping up. We deal with it as it arises - I mean to be fair, there has been a lot of upheaval in her world in the last year - and I hope we are teaching her to manage it better. The teacher has commented on it here too, so it is a work in progress. I will say though that I have noticed my 2 year old boy is the most inflexible and absolutely relentless of the 3 of them. He HAS to do things the way he always does them - I can't tell if it is just him, or a boy thing. I lay down the law with him quite regularly, so he knows that no means no and a tantrum gains no sympathy, but jeez, some days ...:(



I'd ignore the Santa thing - Santa brings what is on your list, if you want something else ask for it next year (end of story).



There are lots of books out there which you could read to him and might help. If you look for Niall Breslin, I think his first book was actually about a boy who was worried about swimming. (if you haven't got it already) and how he dealt with it. I have "My Monster and Me" which my four year old likes (totally goes over her head though, the child is horizontal relaxed and just came with the coping skills for life.) I know there are good books for kids on what emotions they feel and how to manage them too, the preschool might make some suggestions to you. It might be worth getting in touch with OT or even your GP, who might give you some suggestions as to who you could contact that might be able to assist him, if you feel you need more help.


Some kids just need more input OP, and it is exhausting as a parent. I have had a lot of moments worrying about my eldest in particular, but as time has passed, I have seen big improvements in her, which has been such a relief. I think 4 was the age where my concern was at its height for her, I honestly thought she should be diagnosed with something, but like you, the preschool told me all was fine there and as time passed, I could see the changes in her. It is really hard with your eldest though, especially if they are like that, because you have no idea what is normal. The only thing I will say is really mean what you say to him. Draw a very strong line, some kids just need those boundaries to be very strong (within reason) and know that you will hold the boundary for them, when they can't. It is so much work, but the moments where you are watching them and you see the tiniest improvement and your work paying off, are the best. I would go back to the preschool and just say to them look he might be fine here, but we do need some pointers as there is behaviour to work on at home, and they might be able to assist you.