Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

I am not physically attracted to my partner

Options
  • 18-03-2019 9:30pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, I have been seeing my partner for a few months. We seem to have hit it off reasonably well. We seem friendly of each other, emotionally enough in tune and we speak openly on honestly about most things.

    My partner has a high sex drive. That's fine. In my experience in life , I or my respective partner might have a higher sex drive than the other. It is what is it is and it's all good and healthy.

    I do not find my partner physically attractive. I haven't been able to shrug it off as irrelevant. I do not enjoy cuddly hugs with her. I'd prefer if she didn't sleep in the nude. I don't enjoy sex itself with her.

    I'm athletic from running quite a bit. I've politely been able to share that I respect fitness. I do not feel I can say anymore. I cannot say anything regards not finding her physically unattractive. It would be crude to do that.

    There has been a few times, it's on my mind that I do not want sex. She is making a move for sex and we do. I'm not enjoying it. I would like her to be healthier and fitter.

    I do not want to talk to my family or friends about this. Hence I am on here.

    Do I just subtly encourage her to get fit? Do I also subtly encourage her to wear clothes in bed? If she was wearing clothes at least there's a clear distinction between being in bed and being in bed for action so to speak. Thoughts from people of similar experiences would be nice to get.


«1

Comments

  • Options
    #2
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    To ask the obvious question, why the hell are you in a relationship with her??

    Why do you feel like you need to go out with someone that you're not sexually attracted to? It kind of needs to be on the list if you're going to get into a relationship with someone, it's literally the number one thing that distinguishes a relationship from a friendship.


  • Options
    #3
    368100
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭368100


    You need to finish it, if you're not physically attracted to her now, you shouldn't expect her to change just to satisfy you. How do you know if she was fitter that your opinion would change.
    It sounds like this is a new relationship and not that she was fitter when you met and has let herself go......so why get into a relationship with someone you're not attracted to?


  • Options
    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I would hate to be in relationship with a partner who secretly harboured these feelings towards me. End it with her now, she deserves better. Hopefully she will find a new partner who will love her as she is.


  • Options
    #5
    Calypso Realm
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭Calypso Realm


    Have you EVER found her physically attractive?


  • Options
    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    To ask the obvious question, why the hell are you in a relationship with her??

    Why do you feel like you need to go out with someone that you're not sexually attracted to? It kind of needs to be on the list if you're going to get into a relationship with someone, it's literally the number one thing that distinguishes a relationship from a friendship.

    The rest of our connection is above friendship IMO.

    I do not feel I have to go out with her. There's a beautiful connection apart from what I wrote in my original post.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    368100 wrote: »
    You need to finish it, if you're not physically attracted to her now, you shouldn't expect her to change just to satisfy you. How do you know if she was fitter that your opinion would change.
    It sounds like this is a new relationship and not that she was fitter when you met and has let herself go......so why get into a relationship with someone you're not attracted to?

    ... because of a connection and beautiful connection between us otherwise.


  • Options
    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Calypso Realm wrote: »
    Have you EVER found her physically attractive?

    I have not. There was a spark in some of our passionate kissing. I was content by that but it was a turn on for her for more. I do feel a strong connection and a beautiful energy between us. Being fitter would suit her. That's for her regardless of our relationship.


  • Options
    #9
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    guest190318 wrote: »
    Hi, I have been seeing my partner for a few months. We seem to have hit it off reasonably well. We seem friendly of each other, emotionally enough in tune and we speak openly on honestly about most things.

    ...

    I do not find my partner physically attractive. I haven't been able to shrug it off as irrelevant. I do not enjoy cuddly hugs with her. I'd prefer if she didn't sleep in the nude. I don't enjoy sex itself with her.

    Honestly OP those two statements don’t point to a healthy long term relationship. If I I found out my partner thought we got on “reasonably” well, and didn’t find me remotely sexually attractive I’d be devastated. It’s 100% unfair to remain in that relationship. You say you have a “beautiful” connection but your first post doesn’t show anything above friendship to me, to be honest.

    Why should your girlfriend change everything about herself because you decided to get into a relationship with her? Why change her to the woman you want instead of finding the actual woman you want? There’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone but there’s also nothing wrong with her that she should be forced to wear clothes in bed etc if that’s not what she wants to do.


  • Options
    #10
    screamer
    Registered Users Posts: 6,131 ✭✭✭screamer


    Be kind and leave now, and let her have a chance to find someone who will love her for who she is and not some super fit version..... a relationship with no attraction on one side or the other will end in tears, better sooner than later. Us ladies don’t have time on our side, biologically speaking.


  • Options
    #11
    Aoife2017
    Registered Users Posts: 19 ✭Aoife2017


    Beautiful connection or not, from reading your initial post you need to end the relationship. It’s unfair on her to keep these feelings hidden and given how relatively new it is, you need to give her the chance to find someone who finds her physically attractive.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    Dtp1979
    Registered Users Posts: 12,727 ✭✭✭✭Dtp1979


    Dunno, just getting a strange vibe from this.


  • Options
    #13
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    guest190318 wrote: »
    The rest of our connection is above friendship IMO.

    How? You are repulsed by her naked body. You hate physical affection with her. You feel minus sexual attraction. And yet you have a connection. That is nowhere near "above friendship"
    guest190318 wrote: »
    I do not feel I have to go out with her. There's a beautiful connection apart from what I wrote in my original post.

    ...which was about how you hate hugging her, you hate affection, you hate lying in bed beside her naked body and you hate sex with her. There's nothing 'beautiful' about that. There's just you stringing along a woman lying about how you feel about her and setting her up for long-term damage to her self-esteem because you think she needs to be slimmer and fitter.

    She's not going to change for you and if she does, she'll be miserable and insecure and will resent you for it.

    You're into fit and slim - nothing wrong with that, lots of people are. What IS totally wrong is getting into a relationship with someone who is not those things and expecting them to change.


  • Options
    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    Honestly OP those two statements don’t point to a healthy long term relationship. If I I found out my partner thought we got on “reasonably” well, and didn’t find me remotely sexually attractive I’d be devastated. It’s 100% unfair to remain in that relationship. You say you have a “beautiful” connection but your first post doesn’t show anything above friendship to me, to be honest.

    Why should your girlfriend change everything about herself because you decided to get into a relationship with her? Why change her to the woman you want instead of finding the actual woman you want? There’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone but there’s also nothing wrong with her that she should be forced to wear clothes in bed etc if that’s not what she wants to do.

    Hi, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I felt and feel a spark between us. I'm happy in our relationship bar the sexual side of things. She should not change for me be that fitness or wearing clothes. I think saying that I respect fitness reflects who I am. I think she has taken that on board and that's her decision. I don't want to end our relationship for physical reasons.


  • Options
    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    screamer wrote: »
    Be kind and leave now, and let her have a chance to find someone who will love her for who she is and not some super fit version..... a relationship with no attraction on one side or the other will end in tears, better sooner than later. Us ladies don’t have time on our side, biologically speaking.

    Apart from sex, I love her as she is. I'm not expecting super fit. She hasn't looked after her body. Her life. Her decision. I think it's ok to say I respect fitness? I can be told where to go if it's not welcome to be heard.


  • Options
    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Aoife2017 wrote: »
    Beautiful connection or not, from reading your initial post you need to end the relationship. It’s unfair on her to keep these feelings hidden and given how relatively new it is, you need to give her the chance to find someone who finds her physically attractive.

    She's pretty but bodywise not fit. There was a beautiful spark when we met. There was a beautiful connection as we got to know each other. I love our time together. It's bedtime that I do not like.


  • Options
    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You say you have a beautiful connection.
    Yet you are denying her the most basic need of all in a romantic relationship- physical intimacy.
    Don't think she doesn't have a 6th sense about your feelings already. Especially if she has a high sex drive & it's not being reciprocated.
    What you're actually doing is being cruel& selfish. If you have any love for her at all, you would break up with her& let her find someone who will want to tear her clothes off. It's great you connect with her mind or her soul and all that, but as an OH, there has to be that spark.
    You will destroy her if you continue to date her without it. Let her go.


  • Options
    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    How? You are repulsed by her naked body. You hate physical affection with her. You feel minus sexual attraction. And yet you have a connection. That is nowhere near "above friendship"
    Thanks for sharing your opinion. I feel our connection is above friendship. There's a spark, beautiful time together above friendship. That's what I feel.

    I don't find our naked body attractive. Slimmer and fitter in a healthy way, without changing for anyone except for someone's own self.

    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    ...which was about how you hate hugging her, you hate affection, you hate lying in bed beside her naked body and you hate sex with her. There's nothing 'beautiful' about that. There's just you stringing along a woman lying about how you feel about her and setting her up for long-term damage to her self-esteem because you think she needs to be slimmer and fitter.

    She's not going to change for you and if she does, she'll be miserable and insecure and will resent you for it.

    You're into fit and slim - nothing wrong with that, lots of people are. What IS totally wrong is getting into a relationship with someone who is not those things and expecting them to change.

    I do like to give a hug. There is a beautiful energy. Again, fitter and slimmer would feel better in the physical sense. Again that has to be for anyone for them.

    I have said that I respect physical fitness - Do I get told to get lost? Is that taken on board? I have already communicated as I saw was appropriate and sensitive.

    If she does change, I want it to be for her. I told her about a woman who was interviewed on the Late Late a few years ago. When that woman on the Late Late became slimmer and fitter, she found it affected her friendships. Some of her female friends found her to be a love rival and resented that. People in anyone's circle can react differently to positive change. Any change in my partner has to be for her. Any new found fitness could give her clear mind of thought even about our relationship. I'm comfortable with that. If she is the best person that she can be for her, regardless of me, I would like to see that.

    My partner and I have had good open conversations about everything else. This is the one area that I have beat around the bush about. I am not stringing her along. I am trying to get clarity of mind.


  • Options
    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I find your posts very disturbing OP. I suspect if your GF turned in to a gym bunny you'd still find some other area of her life needing improvement.

    I hope your GF gets out of what sounds like a very unhealthy “relationship” before you destroy her self confidence.


  • Options
    #20
    ginandtonicsky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 710 ✭✭✭ginandtonicsky


    guest190318 wrote: »

    If she does change, I want it to be for her.

    Not true. You have posted a thread entitled "I am not physically attracted to my partner" on a message board. This is a personal issue for you. It's entirely about you.

    You are not accepting your girlfriend for who and what she is. You are dating her for the potential that she could achieve with respect to her body in the future. A potential that you are projecting onto her, just because you happen to be athletic and interested in fitness. What if she doesn't want to lose weight and get fit? it's a priority to you, maybe not for her. Maybe she likes herself just as she is, and why wouldn't she. If you really actually respected her, you'd accept that and walk away.

    Even if you're actually happy to compromise on the sex stuff and have a crap sex life in exchange for this "special connection", your girlfriend clearly has a high drive and deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her in that way. You are really setting her up for a lifetime of poor self esteem and body image issues with this repulsion for getting physical with her (which she is 100% picking up on) and these not-so-subtle hints about the virtues of health and fitness.

    Do you "respect physical fitness" more than you respect your girlfriend?


  • Options
    #21
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    guest190318 wrote: »
    I do like to give a hug. There is a beautiful energy. Again, fitter and slimmer would feel better in the physical sense.

    If she does change, I want it to be for her.

    My partner and I have had good open conversations about everything else. This is the one area that I have beat around the bush about. I am not stringing her along. I am trying to get clarity of mind.

    I'm sorry OP, I don't want to be mean, but this is all a load of fluff and filler. It doesn't mean anything. The way you are talking about this is just really, really odd.

    For a moment, forget the "spark", forget the "beautiful connection" you say you have. You're not attracted to her. She thinks you are and you know this. So she is being deceived. It doesn't matter how open you are with other things: if you are keeping something like this from her, you're not open.
    If she knew how you felt it's likely she would not be in this relationship - that is the definition of being strung along.
    Beautiful or not, your connection isn't enough for you, because if it was you wouldn't be posting here. You feel strongly enough about this to post online about it, so much so that you don't want to be intimate with her and want her to wear clothes in bed. That's not a lack of attraction, that's finding someone repulsive. You want her to be physically different, so that you can be attracted to her.

    Even saying it like that is dressing it up. Let's be honest - you want her to lose weight.

    Saying if she does change, you want it to be for her, doesn't mean anything, because you do want her to change - it doesn't matter if she does it for herself or for you. So it's an infinitely expanding tautology with nothing in it.
    What's the relevance of some woman on the Late Late Show who had jealous mates? That has nothing to do with her.

    You keep talking about how you feel. What about how she feels? She wants something from you that you can't give her, because you find her repulsive. With respect, you need to stop telling yourself empty phrases like "she needs to change for her" and having "beautiful energy". If you're not attracted to her, that's fine. You can't help that, that's no crime. But it's wrong to string someone along, letting them think you are attracted to them, because you enjoy their company, or for whatever other reason.

    No one here is going to tell you that it's okay to try and change her. Take her as she is, or let her go. If you really care about her, you'll let her go and find someone who fancies the árse off her, and go find someone who is physically your type.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #22
    RoyalCelt
    Registered Users Posts: 2,529 ✭✭✭RoyalCelt


    If he's not healthy and that's an issue then you're entitled to leave. Alternatively you are entitled to let her know you are not enjoying the sex because of her physical shape. She might decide to get healthy then happy days for you both. Or she might not an you can go your separate ways.


  • Options
    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Edffc wrote: »
    You say you have a beautiful connection.
    Yet you are denying her the most basic need of all in a romantic relationship- physical intimacy.
    Don't think she doesn't have a 6th sense about your feelings already. Especially if she has a high sex drive & it's not being reciprocated.
    What you're actually doing is being cruel& selfish. If you have any love for her at all, you would break up with her& let her find someone who will want to tear her clothes off. It's great you connect with her mind or her soul and all that, but as an OH, there has to be that spark.
    You will destroy her if you continue to date her without it. Let her go.
    Our mind and soul connection is why I got together and it's beautiful. I thought I would get over the physical side. It's clear I have not.
    I am giving her physical intimacy. I think I have communicated in a fair and sensitive way that I respect fitness. Thanks for sharing your perspective.


  • Options
    #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Run GF Run wrote: »
    I find your posts very disturbing OP. I suspect if your GF turned in to a gym bunny you'd still find some other area of her life needing improvement.

    I hope your GF gets out of what sounds like a very unhealthy “relationship” before you destroy her self confidence.
    If it's true that I would find some other area of her life needs improving, that would be disturbing behaviour from me alright.

    If our relationship is unhealthy, I hope she gets out. It doesn’t feel unhealthy.

    Before our relationship started, she shared physical insecurities. I respected that she was aware of it. I think I offered comforting support and sensitive advice.


  • Options
    #25
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ginandtonicsky wrote: »
    Not true. You have posted a thread entitled "I am not physically attracted to my partner" on a message board. This is a personal issue for you. It's entirely about you.

    You are not accepting your girlfriend for who and what she is. You are dating her for the potential that she could achieve with respect to her body in the future. A potential that you are projecting onto her, just because you happen to be athletic and interested in fitness. What if she doesn't want to lose weight and get fit? it's a priority to you, maybe not for her. Maybe she likes herself just as she is, and why wouldn't she. If you really actually respected her, you'd accept that and walk away.

    Even if you're actually happy to compromise on the sex stuff and have a crap sex life in exchange for this "special connection", your girlfriend clearly has a high drive and deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her in that way. You are really setting her up for a lifetime of poor self esteem and body image issues with this repulsion for getting physical with her (which she is 100% picking up on) and these not-so-subtle hints about the virtues of health and fitness.

    Do you "respect physical fitness" more than you respect your girlfriend?

    Yes, I have posted this on a message board. I do not want to talk about this with my family and friends. Thank you boards.ie for the opportunity to speak anonymously.

    That's true, I am not accepting my girlfriend for who she is in the physical sense. I have shared that I respect physical fitness. I am being physically intimate when I do not want to be. I'm not sure what to do next. I'll figure it out.

    If she doesn't want to lose weight or get fit, that's her choice. I accept or sling my hook in the best interests of us both.

    Someone's physical appearance is a sensitive issue. I do respect her. I am respectful. I do respect people looking after their bodies. It's often a sign of a sack of self love. I am not shunning her for it but I'm finding it hard to look past it also. I need to sensitively and respectfully figure it out.


  • Options
    #26
    leggo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    OP you don't have a connection above friendship. You don't accept her for who she is. She wouldn't be with you if she knew how you really felt about her. Both are essential for a relationship to work. So no, you're friends, and even then if she knew you felt that way that mightn't be the case. This is all a sham and you're being cruel wasting her time by pursuing it further, so you're not even being a good friend tbh.


  • Options
    #27
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    "I do like to give a hug"
    If that's as much physical contact that you can tolerate with her, this is a friendship. Maybe a deep soulful one, but 100% NOT a romantic relationship. Please do the right thing here.
    End it.


  • Options
    #28
    Dalomanakora
    Closed Accounts Posts: 608 ✭✭✭Dalomanakora


    Something to bear in mind, OP, is that she may never have a fit looking body anyway, even if she does lose weight.


    I lost a lot of weight, for me. And I'll never have a tight, fit, athletic body. What I have is loose skin and faded stretch marks and wobbly bits.



    Even if she loses weight, exercises lots and tones up, if she's been bigger for all of her life, her body will never be your ideal, because long term weight gain messes with the skin's elasticity.




    Ultimately though, you don't want her to lose weight for her. You keep saying that, but your posts are about your lack of attraction to her body. At least be honest, you want her to lose it for your sexual pleasure.


    It's absolutely fine to have a specific body type you find sexually attractive. But it's not okay to date someone with the intention of changing them.


  • Options
    #29
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    How do you know she’s not healthy, OP? Plenty of overweight people are healthy. They might not look it on the outside, but I have plenty of friends that are overweight that can run a 10k no bother, lift a pile of weights and have zero issues with their heart etc. assuming something because of her weight is a pretty ****ty thing to do.

    Likewise I can gaurentee she’s not happy with your sex life. If she has a higher sex drive than you then she will have picked up on your lack of enthusiasm. As someone who has dealt with this in the past there’s almost nothing worse than thinking your partner doesn’t fancy you. In your case it’s actually true so I’d really advise you to stop being selfish and let her go find happiness somewhere else as she is and then you can too.

    Can I ask a question? Do you felt anyone sexually attractive? So you masturbate, fantasize, all that on the regular? You talk a lot about connections etc and tbh it’s reminding me of how my asexual or grey sexual friends talk. And yeah, of course a deeper connection is really important in a long term relationship but you’re only together a few months. This is the time you cement your connection physically- especially if your partner is a sexual being like you describe.


  • Options
    #30
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    OP, let's say that in response to you hinting that she lose weight, your girlfriend said "I'm happy how I am and don't want to change". Would you be satisfied with that and accept a relationship without physical affection? It sounds like your girlfriend with her high sex drive wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship. It's weird you'd get into a relationship with someone you don't fancy and expect it to effectively remain platonic unless they change in the way you want.

    Put yourself in her shoes. Would you be happy to stay with someone who was choking down vomit at the thought of your naked body? Whatever weight she is, she can do better.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #31
    LolaJJ
    Registered Users Posts: 289 ✭✭LolaJJ


    Honestly can't get my head around this at all.

    End the relationship, give the girl an opportunity to meet someone who will appreciate all of her.

    Part of being in a loving and healthy relationship is being able to love someone and their imperfections, not try to change them or encourage them to be more like ourselves.

    God forbid your relationship was to encounter any real issues

    Also, what you perceive as a beautiful connection is actually not a connection at all, so I would revisit that if I were you


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement