The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 31-08-2018 9:04pm

Q: Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
A: It always went back for seconds.

Capt'n Midnight · 31-08-2018 9:29pm

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Its OK, she woke up

Capt'n Midnight · 31-08-2018 10:12pm

I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...

Capt'n Midnight · 31-08-2018 11:28pm

“Faculty”. It's a Cockney phrase for, “There’s no more PG Tips”

Hagar7 · 31-08-2018 11:28pm

A plane is on its way from Los Angeles to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section before sitting down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain to her that, because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her assigned seat. The blonde replies "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blond woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. Blushing slightly, she says, "oh I'm sorry." She gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he had said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot said, "I told her that first class isn't going to Houston"

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 01-09-2018 12:19pm

When my three-year-old was told  to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?

What is black, white, and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?

The collie wobbles!

milltown · 01-09-2018 2:47pm

When a Dublin woman met the pope in Phoenix Park, she asked if he could help with her son's hearing. El papa holds the boys head, kisses him on each ear and blesses him.
Then he asks "how is your hearing now my son?"
The boy replies, "I don't know. I'm not in court until next week."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 01-09-2018 5:05pm

Paddy walks in to a bar in London with his dog. He says o the barman i'll have a pint of Guinness and one for my dog. The barman says surprisingly your dog drinks Guinness? Yes answers Paddy so the barman gives him two pints of Guinness and the dog downs his in one go. The barman says jaysus Paddy he's some dog I never saw a dog sink a pint like that and I've been a barman for forthy years. Paddy says to the barman that's not all he can do he can also play the piano. Really says the barman I'd love to see that so Paddy instructs the dog to go over and play the piano. The dog sits up on the stool and starts playing the piano. The barman can't believe his eyes and says to Paddy I'd love to own a dog that could do that. Once again paddy says if you think that's good he's also a black Smith watch this. Paddy goes over to the fire place and picks up the poker and leaves it in the fire. A few minutes later he takes the poker which is red hot and says to the barman when i stick this poker up his arse watch him make a bolt for the door.

Paddy started work on a building in London and on the first day the boss said to him I want you to go accross the yard and bring over a wheel barrow. Paddy heads of accross the yard and a few minutes later returns with two wheel barrows the second one in the first one. The boss says I only want one. Paddy says I know but you hardly thought I was going to carry it.

I went to the doctor the other day when he asked me what was wrong. I told him I tried to swallow a viagra tablet and it got stuck in my throat. I also told him I have a stiff neck ever since.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2018 7:54pm

Did you hear about the sheepdog trials in Wicklow last week ?

Four of them were hanged.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-09-2018 8:15pm

natashaob6 wrote: »

A few minutes later he takes the poker which is red hot

Reminds me of a true Story.

Thaddeus Stevens (played by Tommy Lee Jones in Lincon) was asked by Lincon about Simon Cameron, a corrupt US senator.

During one interview with Lincoln, the president-elected questioned Stevens pointedly: ‘You don’t mean to say you think Cameron would steal?”

“No,’ said Stevens drily, ‘I don’t think he would steal a red-hot stove.”

Lincoln partly as a joke and partly perhaps by way of delicate warning, repeated the statement to Cameron. He was not amused.

Stevens later returned to demand of Lincoln: ‘Why did you tell Cameron what I said to you?”

“I thought it was a good joke and didn’t think it would make him mad.”

“Well, he is very mad and made me promise to retract. I will now do so. I believe I told you he would not steal a red-hot stove. I will now take that back."

Hagar7 · 01-09-2018 8:27pm

The Pope asks one of the Cardinals for help with a crossword in The Irish Times.
"I need a 4-letter word, commonly used to refer to women...it ends in -unt."

The Cardinal replies, "Aunt?"

The Pope says, "I don't suppose you have an eraser, do you?"

coolhull · 02-09-2018 11:40am

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Wack.

"Miss Wack, I'd like to get a €30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow €30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know ya did.)

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 02-09-2018 12:23pm

Jhonny has just been given a job as a labourer. On the first day he asks a fellow worker how could he keep his tea warm as he used to bring his tea to work in a glass milk bottle and by lunch time the tea would be cold. So his work mate shows him this container made from pyrax and says to Jhonny this is a great yoke to keep the tea not just warm but hot for hours. You should get one. On the way home Jhonny's scratching his head as he can't remember the name of the container but spots a sign outside a chemist advertising Durex. He says to himself I think that's the name of the container so goes in to the chemist and says I'll have a packet of those Durex things. The lady behind the counter asks what size would you like sir?

Jhonny says make them long and wide as i want to fill them with at least a pint as i'll be on the job all day.

One morning two women were arguing over who's dog was the smartest. The first women says my dog runs over to the paper boy gets my newspaper runs back and gives it to me.
The second women says I know. The first woman then asks how do you know?The other woman replies my dog told me.

CarrickMcJoe · 03-09-2018 8:28am

Postman is on his last round before retiring and as he approaches one door it swings open and he's greeted by a woman in a dressing gown. She invites him in and sits him down at the table before making him a big fry. She watches as he finishes by scooping the juices up on the fried bread and licks his fingers.
She then leads him upstairs where she drops her gown showing off her fantastic body, and proceeds to strip him. They make passionate love for hours.

Later, after catching his breath, he goes to get up, when she says, " just one more thing", and presses a coin into the palm of his hand.

"Jausus, the fry was lovely, the sex was super, but why the coin"? he quizzed..

"Well, " she started, " last night I was telling my husband about you retiring and asked what he thought of me making you breakfast, and his reply was,fock him and give him a pound!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 03-09-2018 8:26pm

Paddy was out of work so he decided he head over to London to find work. Before heading he said he'd ring his friend Mick who was working over there to see if the money was good. He rings his friend Mick and tells him he's thinking of heading over to look for work. Mick says be God come on over there's plenty of work over here and the streets are paved with gold. A week later Mick and Paddy are walking down the street when Paddy sees two ten pence pieces. Paddy picks them up looks at them and throws them away.

Mick asks why did you throw them away and Paddy replies f**k it I'll start again in the morning.

Eph1958 · 04-09-2018 9:35am

Mammy, mammy.....quick.....daddy cut off his finger in the lawnmower..

Oh my God....the whole finger?????
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. No....the one next to it!!!!!!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-09-2018 9:43am

Why did the dietition send her clients to the paint store?

She heard you could get thinner there.

What did the leopard say after eating his meal?

That hit the spot.

Do you think glass coffins will become the in thing?

It remains to be seen.

Why was the belt sent to prison?

For holding up a trousers.

whiskeyman · 04-09-2018 10:46am

natashaob6 wrote: »

Why was the belt sent to prison?

For holding up a trousers.

I thought the judge would buckle and pass a suspended sentence.

TheBody · 04-09-2018 2:06pm

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

frag420 · 04-09-2018 2:48pm

whiskeyman wrote: »

I thought the judge would buckle and pass a suspended sentence.

Apparently he pleated with the judge for a short sentence but was told to brace for something longer...

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-09-2018 6:05pm

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Infernum · 04-09-2018 6:06pm

I once heard a ghost story about a French baker.

It gave me the crepes.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 04-09-2018 6:17pm

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

What did the ocean say to the ship? It didn't say anything it waved.

I never buy anything with velcro because it's a ripp off.

milltown · 04-09-2018 10:16pm

Infernum wrote: »

I once heard a ghost story about a French baker.

It gave me the crepes.

I read a book about a french couch.
It was a shade long.

Hagar7 · 04-09-2018 10:48pm

Q: Why do Women have legs?

A: Have you seen the mess snails make?

Hagar7 · 04-09-2018 10:54pm

Bloke goes to doctors having problems with premature ejaculation is told when you feel yourself cumming then give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.
2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went, bloke says not good doc,i did a 69er then felt my self starting to cum, so i fired the gun, my wife **** on my face, bit my bellend off and the milk man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up.

byrner88 · 05-09-2018 12:03am

Son: "Dad, can i borrow £50?"
Dad: "Come back and ask when your dick touches your arse"
Son (after checking): "Dad, my dick touches my arse"
Dad: "Good, now you can go **** yourself"

M.T. Cranium · 05-09-2018 10:39pm

Why do rabbits give away their offspring?

They want to avoid a hare raising experience.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-09-2018 10:58pm

If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it.

It's a trap......

K.Flyer · 06-09-2018 1:48am

We went for a meal in the new local restaurant called Karma.

There's no menu, you get what you deserve...

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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