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How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,548 ✭✭✭Micky 32


    Risky at 35? My ass.
    A cousin of mine is 3 months pregnant and is 50 years old :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,343 ✭✭✭ChippingSodbury


    Kids are like farts: your own are just about tolerable


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,763 ✭✭✭✭Potential-Monke


    I'm with Zaph on this. I'm now 36 and luckily, everyone who had the gall to ask me (or worse, try to make me feel bad) if I'm having kids has been made aware of my stance, which is that too many people are having them without thinking, and I dislike children quite a lot. I was in 2 minds in my 20s, even doing the whole naming the kids thing with the then missus. But the older I get, the more solid I am in my stance that I don't want them.

    They smell. They're loud. They require constant attention up until a certain age. They literally **** themselves (special shout out to you ***** who post the ****e covered baby pictures on t'internet, literally no one wants to see this). They cost a crap load of money. They take the majority of your spare time. They cost even more money in their teens. If you have a boy, you've only to worry about 1 mickey, but if you have a girl you have to worry about all the mickeys.

    Load on top of that the amount of people using gaming/tv to distract their children for a few minutes and then blame said game/tv because they won't stop playing/watching. Parents are getting worse at parenting, and your own child can sue you for stupid **** now. And you can't smack them anymore - yes, I'm pro-smacking, get over it.

    On top of all of this, I have quite a few friends and family who are married. My best friend, married 12 years (in a relationship 17 years). When they initially got together and when they got married, neither wanted kids, but her clock started ticking when her sister had a kid, so after a lot of back and forth he agreed to try 1. They now have 2, he's gotten the snip and is a constant reminder to me to not have kids (his own words). The relationship is stressed since the kids came along and if he could go back he would. Same with my sister and at least 1 brother (if not 2 of 3). Other people I know report similar situations, and most seem to have had kids because "that's just what you do" - mortgage, kids, pets. Crazy.

    I'm getting more and more people who are dead set against them, like myself. And it's great to see that having kids is no longer a priority in life for a lot of people, as it should be. And I'll leave ye with this:

    Is it better to not have kids and regret it, or have kids and regret it?


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,807 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    Micky 32 wrote: »
    A cousin of mine is 3 months pregnant and is 50 years old :)

    There's hope for me yet so!

    :eek:


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,578 ✭✭✭JDD


    So I'm 42 and I've counted this up...

    Out of a circle of friends of 28, 7 don't have a partner or children (4 guys, 3 girls), 1 has a fairly serious girlfriend which could either end up in marriage and kids or could equally implode any second, knowing his history. Two couples are married but have chosen not to have children. The rest are married either with kids or trying for them. 1 is divorced with children.

    As to the 7, I can't exactly say whether they are single because they refused to compromise and settle for a partner, or whether they've genuinely never met anyone that they felt they could even hope to have a happy life with. Definitely two out of the three girls would like to have had children. One just never wanted them. None of the 7 seem particularly unhappy with their lot - at least, no more or less happy than those who have married with children. The unhappiest seems to be those that do want kids but can't have them, or those who really wanted kids and settled in their choice of partner in order to have them. If I'm being honest, the happiest seem to be the couples without kids. They have jobs they love and are the kind of jobs that give back to society. They travel a lot, have a lot of hobbies and are healthier. I dunno, maybe the couples with kids are genuinely happier and more fulfilled - it's just harder to show it under the layers of tiny sacrifices and frustrations and years of lack of sleep.

    So in my unscientific, based on what's happened to me, opinion, it's rare for someone who wants a relationship and is willing to compromise to actually not find someone, but it does happen. No one I know has rejected a relationship or the prospect of having children for their career - they might have limited the number of children, that's all. The scale of happiness goes like this:

    Married couples who never wanted kids (and therefore probably married their soulmate) > Couples who married their soulmate and had kids > Single people who are agnostic about kids > married people who settled and had kids > Married couples who wanted kids and couldn't > single people who wanted kids but never met the right person.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,739 ✭✭✭scamalert


    lol OP goes on dates feels bad about others not finding love or having kids :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,343 ✭✭✭ChippingSodbury


    I'm with Zaph on this. I'm now 36 and luckily, everyone who had the gall to ask me (or worse, try to make me feel bad) if I'm having kids has been made aware of my stance, which is that too many people are having them without thinking, and I dislike children quite a lot. I was in 2 minds in my 20s, even doing the whole naming the kids thing with the then missus. But the older I get, the more solid I am in my stance that I don't want them.

    They smell. They're loud. They require constant attention up until a certain age. They literally **** themselves (special shout out to you ***** who post the ****e covered baby pictures on t'internet, literally no one wants to see this). They cost a crap load of money. They take the majority of your spare time. They cost even more money in their teens. If you have a boy, you've only to worry about 1 mickey, but if you have a girl you have to worry about all the mickeys.

    Load on top of that the amount of people using gaming/tv to distract their children for a few minutes and then blame said game/tv because they won't stop playing/watching. Parents are getting worse at parenting, and your own child can sue you for stupid **** now. And you can't smack them anymore - yes, I'm pro-smacking, get over it.

    On top of all of this, I have quite a few friends and family who are married. My best friend, married 12 years (in a relationship 17 years). When they initially got together and when they got married, neither wanted kids, but her clock started ticking when her sister had a kid, so after a lot of back and forth he agreed to try 1. They now have 2, he's gotten the snip and is a constant reminder to me to not have kids (his own words). The relationship is stressed since the kids came along and if he could go back he would. Same with my sister and at least 1 brother (if not 2 of 3). Other people I know report similar situations, and most seem to have had kids because "that's just what you do" - mortgage, kids, pets. Crazy.

    I'm getting more and more people who are dead set against them, like myself. And it's great to see that having kids is no longer a priority in life for a lot of people, as it should be. And I'll leave ye with this:

    Is it better to not have kids and regret it, or have kids and regret it?

    If your Mam & Dad are still around, I hope you'll be especially nice to them the next time you speak to them!


  • Registered Users Posts: 991 ✭✭✭TuringBot47


    it's great to see that having kids is no longer a priority in life for a lot of people, as it should be.

    It's not for everyone.
    You need to be emotionally mature, responsible, patient, able to share, compromise, support others and a whole lot of other adult soft skills that definitely develop your personality positively.

    It's only dropping in priority as the housing crisis delays younger couples until they have a stable home. Also women tend to want to have fun, travel etc in their 20's before the settle into family life, so they delay it longer than previous generations.




  • @The potential monke..
    I honestly don't think I've ever heard of anyone regretting having children..

    At this stage tbh it's probably not looking too likely that I'll have them, and it makes me quite sad really..

    Like, it's the one thing every lifeform everywhere strives to do..

    People going "yeah, I don't care, live for me, travel etc" strikes me as fairly grim really..




  • And yeah, children are probably a struggle..

    But their children repay you for that struggle..


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  • Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭zedhead


    @The potential monke..
    I honestly don't think I've ever heard of anyone regretting having children..

    At this stage tbh it's probably not looking too likely that I'll have them, and it makes me quite sad really..

    Like, it's the one thing every lifeform everywhere strives to do..

    People going "yeah, I don't care, live for me, travel etc" strikes me as fairly grim really..

    You wouldn't hear about it because it wouldn't be received well. How would you react if one of your friends genuinely told you they regretted their children and wished they never had them?

    But people neglect their children all the time due to disinterest, people abandon their children, some even murder their children. And some just live a quiet miserable existance alone with their feelings of regret.

    It's not like they are in the majority, but it is naive to think they don't exist.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,807 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    @The potential monke..
    I honestly don't think I've ever heard of anyone regretting having children..

    At this stage tbh it's probably not looking too likely that I'll have them, and it makes me quite sad really..

    Like, it's the one thing every lifeform everywhere strives to do..

    People going "yeah, I don't care, live for me, travel etc" strikes me as fairly grim really..

    That's why it's different strokes for different folks.

    Having the freedom to do what you want, when you want is not grim. Its great and I would not have it any other way.

    I also know a few people who regret having children.

    They love them now they are here and of course would not change them, but feel they signed up to something they may not have been best suited towards.

    There's really no such thing as normal.

    There's your normal and my normal, they can be both different and that's fine.


  • Registered Users Posts: 201 ✭✭Sir Guy who smiles


    Cina wrote: »
    Nonsense.

    People want kids because they like kids and want their own kids, just like people want pets because they love dogs/cats and want them. People also don't want kids for plenty of reasons (I'm sort of torn, myself) and that's fine too.

    Why does one side or the other have to be better? It seems people without kids can't accept that having kids can be a really good thing, and likewise people with kids seem to often look down on those without them. There's no wrong decision, either way.

    Let people do whatever the f*ck they want and stop making sweeping generalizations, basically.

    I think this sums it up.
    Each to their own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 DingDongDitch


    They smell. They're loud. They require constant attention up until a certain age. They literally **** themselves (special shout out to you ***** who post the ****e covered baby pictures on t'internet, literally no one wants to see this). They cost a crap load of money. They take the majority of your spare time. They cost even more money in their teens. If you have a boy, you've only to worry about 1 mickey, but if you have a girl you have to worry about all the mickeys.


    I accept most of the points in your post but the above is either a strikingly immature attitude for a 36 year old or some kind of mental gymnastics you've used to validate your decision not to have children.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭ Talia Late Crosswalk


    Cina wrote: »
    Nonsense.

    People want kids because they like kids and want their own kids, just like people want pets because they love dogs/cats and want them. People also don't want kids for plenty of reasons (I'm sort of torn, myself) and that's fine too.

    Why does one side or the other have to be better? It seems people without kids can't accept that having kids can be a really good thing, and likewise people with kids seem to often look down on those without them. There's no wrong decision, either way.

    Let people do whatever the f*ck they want and stop making sweeping generalizations, basically.

    To be fair the people who like pet, get pet don't usually start on about how life's not complete without a pet, what's the point if you're not going to have a pet etc and then when you say no I just don't want a pet but my life feels perfectly complete start saying yes I understand, you do have to be a mature, giving, selfless person for it to work. All right here in this thread. Tends to be less direct in real life (unless you're my fcuking parents) but it is natural to bristle slightly at that attitude and its implications even when it's said in a generalised way.

    In my experience in most things in life, the people happiest and most secure in their own choices are the people least likely to bang on about how happy they are with their own, or comment negatively on the opposite choices and the people who make them, I bear that in mind when these discussions come up and it makes it pretty easy not to get annoyed.

    But yeah I agree with you, neither is objectively better or worse, each to their own.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭Franz Von Peppercorn II


    I accept most of the points in your post but the above is either a strikingly immature attitude for a 36 year old or some kind of mental gymnastics you've used to validate your decision not to have children.

    It’s how all people who don’t have children probably feel. Very few single or childless people like children in the abstract but most people will no doubt love their children when they get them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 731 ✭✭✭Butterface


    Recently married and neither of us want children.

    We discussed it to death prior to getting married, and even thinking back about how much we discussed it, it was really quite obvious that both of us did not want children. The desire was just not there.

    We both have good jobs, in the process of buying a house, travel a lot for both fun and work, and both play sports/have hobbies.

    We both have young nephews and nieces, and plenty of friends with young children. We enjoy hanging out with them, but equally do not feel like we are missing out on parenting, because it is just not something we're interested in.

    It's not something we really discuss with friends or family, but we are on the receiving end of so many rude questions/assumptions about our future plans. Even work colleagues directly ask me when we are planning to have children... I would never dream of asking that to anybody, not even my siblings!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,799 ✭✭✭Iseedeadpixels


    Risky at 35? My ass.

    My ma was 36 when I was born, I'm an oddball....the risk was not worth it :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,377 ✭✭✭NSAman


    Risky at 35? My ass.

    Oh come on, why is your ass risky?

    Some people may want kids but never find the right people, other people may be happy in no relationship or a casual relationship. If someone wants something, normally they can find it.

    The other side of this is how many people in relationships are unhappy with that relationship?

    People are complex, and not always able to put themselves out there to find what they actually want....it is all about knowing yourself and being able to know what you want and how to satisfy those wants.

    Each to their own I suppose.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I love my kids, I would do anything for them, the love I feel for them is like no other but to say that they have given my life purpose is a massive insult to all the other amazing people and things in my life.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 11,807 ✭✭✭✭anewme


    Butterface wrote: »

    It's not something we really discuss with friends or family, but we are on the receiving end of so many rude questions/assumptions about our future plans. Even work colleagues directly ask me when we are planning to have children... I would never dream of asking that to anybody, not even my siblings!

    It is so rude when people think its within their remit to start asking people this. It is a topic that should be steered away from. Mind yer own business, ye nosy fooker.

    In cases where people might want children, but can't have them, to have this pushed in your face constantly must be very upsetting.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    worded wrote: »
    Chill out there it’s just my own opinion.

    I don’t speak for others

    I have got great joy from being a parent and couldn’t imagine it any other way.

    Me thinks thou doth protest too much

    You are now on my list of enemies :-)

    Which direction is it you're rowing in again?? oh yeah backwards!!
    you never said Joy, you said purpose and if that's true then should we assume
    you're one purpose prior to this was netting some sap , so you could "find your purpose" in life.. I'll bet you're some hit round the barbecue, here we go folks, the incessantly annoying paedo-centric de jour!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    I accept most of the points in your post but the above is either a strikingly immature attitude for a 36 year old or some kind of mental gymnastics you've used to validate your decision not to have children.
    Looks pretty contortion-free to me. What's immature about saying exactly what happens? They seem very good reasons not to want to be a parent.

    And then others consider all of the above worth it, and more power to them too.

    I could add - the worry about bullying at school (or being the bully), illness, and bloody social media.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,701 ✭✭✭jam_mac_jam


    Jesus you can find meaning in life without kids.

    Are people with kids so insecure about their chpics that they have to be critical of others.

    Describing peoples lives as grim or saying they protest too much or are I mature.
    Jesus judgey much. Some people don't want kids. Why do you have to justify not wanting kids.

    Is it really that hard to believe.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,111 ✭✭✭This is it


    Each to their own. I always wanted kids and fortunately things worked out a few years ago, unfortunately things didn't work out with his mam but sure, these things happen.

    People are into different things, having kids, traveling, doing whatever the fûck they want.

    Whatever floats your boat :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,482 ✭✭✭Gimme A Pound


    A friend of mine is nearly 41 so the ship has likely sailed. She's gutted, as she always wanted children. She has been in three serious relationships but single since 35 (thought he'd be the one but he was cheating on her, and she didn't meet him until she was 33/34) - last relationship before that one ended when she was 28.

    She goes out a lot and is the very woman whom the malcontents would call desperate because she put it off for years, and now she's a saddo going out all the time. Whereas the actual facts are: she didn't put it off, it just didn't happen for her. She is not a career woman. She goes out a lot because she wants to meet someone. She is extremely attractive and looks after herself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,701 ✭✭✭jam_mac_jam


    Some people just don't meet somebody or the timing is not right.

    I also know a couple of pepole who don't want kids.

    I'm at an age now where friends are either acepting it's not going to happen or trying to have a child on their own. It's sad if you wanted one and you can't.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,644 ✭✭✭Wanderer2010


    Not all people actually want kids or a long term relationship but this point seems to be instantly devoured by the "That's just bravado, deep down everyone wants kids or a partner" brigade which kind of ruins the discussion. But I know there are people who may just prefer their own company and not want to be with one person every day of the week, its just not their thing, they need space.

    That's not to say that some people who like their own company don't want even a casual relationship, just to fill some social needs but there is a huge impasse between people who don't understand anyone else who doesn't have the same needs as them in terms of relationships and those folks who just like to do things on their own but are still normal and balanced people. There is too much stigma and misinformation out there regarding being single/having kids.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Always Tired


    worded wrote: »
    Ever the romantic there kid :-)

    It gives life purpose having a kid or kids

    The same joy can’t be got from material things

    I like kids in small doses. Some are cute and lovely, some are wee brats.On the whole though, I find them annoying and don't want the responsibility or expense. I have a dog that I spoil that I prefer to children and is much cheaper.

    Having a child is, I'm sure, amazing in lots of ways. But not having one doesn't make me unfulfilled. I can sleep in.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,942 ✭✭✭topper75


    No kids, no problems.

    The only thing that makes me uncomfortable occasionally is other peoples' discomfort at my poorly concealed smugness.


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